To think anything I did was also his fault?

[Naomi189]

I'm about a year into recovering from my DH having an affair. We stayed together, and there's been generally good progress but we keep having the same argument and I get insanely angry when we have it and I just want to know AIBU.

After he cheated, for the first couple of months I was fairly calm. I was devastated, but I wasn't chucking his clothes out of windows or screaming and shouting.

The first 12 weeks was hell, but in a lot of ways we were closer than ever before and I felt like it would be a lot road but we'd recover from it. We'd been to counselling and attended an online infidelity course and things had been really positive.

One thing drilled into him was the need for total honesty going forwards. During that period, he met the OW for drinks to give her "closure" he felt she "deserved", after he'd expressly promised not to speak to her ever again.

To me, that was actually worse than the affair itself and I went absolutely postal, chucked him out, went on Tinder, got insanely drunk and gave a random date a blow job in the garden and texted DH to tell him.

I'm not proud of that, but he'd had an affair that went on for months and while I was in the process of giving him an opportunity to make amends (and while he'd seen me clearly devastated), he betrayed me again.

So we got through it all eventually, but now as we're trying to do the work on the affair, he keeps banhing on about how I "hurt him too" and how much what I did, damaged HIM.

To which I roll my eyes, go absolutely postal again and tell him HE is responsible for his affair and breaking our marriage and HE is responsible for betraying me again when I was devastated and therefore HE is responsible for any fallout or consequences.

He says I need to take responsibility and just because he screwed someone else 50 times while I was home cooking his dinner, that I still had "choices" and didn't need to behave in ways to deliberately hurt him.

I think I have absolutely zero responsibility for damaging our relationship and that he's lucky I didn't do worse.

Am I wrong here?

Largely we are doing well, but he just will NOT stop bringing this up during arguments which they turn very ugly because it feels like he's trying to act like I'm to blame for reacting to his shit behaviour.

@cherry2727 I wasn't trying to repair my marriage 🙄I DGAF about my marriage at that time. It had just been obliterated.

People write these books and offer this counseling to MAKE MONEY. There is no getting over or healing this. It's a waste of a life.

@MrsElsa As I have said several times, things are largely going well. Of course I like him Of course he doesn't think he's justified. He thinks everything he did was horrific, including meeting OW.

"You're not getting much in the way of human connection from him"

Where does this come from? I get absolutely loads of human connection from him 😟

You can't make a fairytale with this total loser. FFS he doesn't love or respect you or he wouldn't have gone elsewhere. You are kidding yourself on.

I don't care what others do I own my decisions and only have myself to blame if I act wrongly

But seriously what benefit is it for either of you to be together you both sound weird

Seems it went okay for tinder guy at least

Fucking hell if this is stronger then I'm lost for words. How old are your children? Are they aware?

What I actually FEEL is "fuck you. I am glad I sucked his cock and with hindsight I am sorry I didn't shag him for 6 months and tell you later".

This isn't because I don't love my husband - it's because in truth, he is absolutely never going to know how what he did made me feel, and that will always suck.

Walk away now, this is never going to work. You are clearly not going to get past this in the short or even medium term. You're both going to feel like shit for a long time. Your talk in another post about your marriage being even stronger now is clearly nonsense. It's over, accept it.

I am very sad I didn't get the fairytale, but I didn't. I have to make my own now.

You’re trying to paint this appalling saga as something worthy instead of just tragic. You might have decided to stay but you can change your mind. Anytime.

Choose peace, serenity, happiness, calm. Not pain, drama, fighting, resentment and anger.

You only get one life. You’re choosing a really damaging path here. It’s not bravery making you do it, it’s fear.

I think you can admit that what you did hurt him, after all that was the point, but that doesn't mean that you broke your marriage. And you wouldn't have acted that way without his double betrayal, although you are responsible for choosing what you did.

It sounds as if neither of you is quite hearing the other. I know you have said that you are not going to leave him because of the affair but that doesn't mean there are not other valid reasons to end the marriage. However long you think this healing process might take you need to not be back in the same argument every 6 weeks

I think you do need to take self responsibility too. You damaged your relationship too, you caused damaged to your dh. Because he hurt you doesn't mean he wasn't hurt by your actions - you have to own that.

It's not only the OWs fault he repeatedly put his dick in her orifices

His choices

His actions

His decisions

Repeatedly

Your plaintive cry of "he told her he loved me" is one of the saddest things I've read on MN :(

On one hand you say your marriage is mostly brilliant and then you talk about these arguments about the past. If you want to make your marriage work then why keep going over old ground - what is the point? You’ve made your decision to stay with him despite his betrayal so what is to be achieved by it? He can’t undo what he’s done and if you can’t forgive & move on ( no judgement if you can’t as many people wouldn’t be able to) then you’re just flogging a dead horse and torturing each other.

Why on earth did you have to do it in the garden? Unless you have a vast garden surrounded by impenetrable trees…..

Please don’t tell us it was because your children were in the house.

Its like a pair of gladiators fighting to the death.

You either forgive him, completely and move on together. Or you don’t and move on apart.

Personally, infidelity is a red line I could never forgive.

He hurt you once then when he was meant to be fixing the damage, he met the OW again. There’s (imo) no fixing this, it will eat away at you. Like a smashed vase, you can glue all the pieces back but it’s never the same & is always fragile.

Stop reading the books op. Stop using the language of grief. Agony, excruciating, gruelling, pain. See your situation for what it is, a year in. Romantic relationships are more disposable than you realise. Move on with him now, or away from him. This ongoing drama isn't healthy for anyone

Whose garden did you suck the other guy's dick in, your own?

I hope your kids didn't see their mother with a mouthful of another man's cock.

The cheater has to change their mindsets from being the selfish person they were when a bit of attention made them feel good

Quit with theory. This will not happen

I don’t understand why people stay together after an affair. That would be the ultimate betrayal for me. No way would I have sex with anyone who’d slept with someone else when they were married to me but that’s probably just me…

I think I have absolutely zero responsibility for damaging our relationship and that he's lucky I didn't do worse

He shagged someone, you gave someone a blow job, is this relationship REALLY worth saving? You text him to tell him you’d given someone a blow job in the garden? Grow up.

This relationship will always be filled with mistrust and tearing each other apart. I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live like this. It’s a toxic relationship.

@Jackydaytona There's pretty much nowhere on this thread any person could have got even the slightest impression I thought it was "only the other woman's fault". Is there?

What is your ‘ideal’ response (in words and actions) from him? How far away from that are you really and would a joint counselling session help you bridge that communication gap. As another poster said, you’re not hearing each other, understandably you’re both hurt (no matter who is ‘right’ or caused hurt first) but if you want to save this marriage you need to find a way to listen and say what you each need to ‘fix’ the relationship.

You are very articulate and insightful, OP, and I’m not sure you’re going to find much input of value here on AIBU

You are not at ALL unreasonable to feel the way you feel.

However I suppose if you’re committed to healing the relationship there is an argument for SAYING “I’m sorry I hurt you too” even if you’re THINKING “fuck you I wish I’d sucked 4959274849 cocks and given you VD!!!!!” 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Marriage can survive all sorts of horrors, that’s literally the point of it. If this marriage is what you want then I wish you luck with it.

You blamed her for sleeping with a mm with kids

Your h slept with a woman knowing he was married with children

He's been incredibly cruel to both of you, tbh seeing as how he's so in love with his wife

Good luck, op. I think you'll need it:(

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen Thank you for the lovely, helpful post. No, my children were not in the house. I did it in the garden because I was pissed and had been driven mad and felt like reacting in kind but also felt weird taking another man into my house because there was a shred of decency there that he probably didn't deserve. Cheers though.