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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be appalled at how this woman is treated

134 replies

justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:09

My best friend and I were chatting today. His partners mum has broken her leg after a nasty trip over her dog.
She was in hospital for a couple of days following a bone reset and cast and the staff rang to collect her to bring her home.
Her adult children refused point blank.

His partners attitude was that the government could pay for her care and rehabilitation and meals as that is what they paid taxes for.
Her mum is 65, fit and generally healthy and lives alone.
Her mum is devastated as she has now been moved to a care home miles away from anyone of her family . They visit her once a week and refuse discharge until she is 'perfect' again.
Their mum was a SAHM all her life and devoted her life to her kids. Their Dad is dead. She needs minimal care but physio three times per week. She is mobile on crutches and
Can self care.

They are all shift workers, one with no kids, the others with teens so I'm pretty sure they could have supported her in her own home and offered her lifts or organised taxis between them.

Now my best friend and I go back thirty years and know each other inside out and each others families and hell would freeze over before he would allow that for his own mum and mine for the matter !
He was embarrassed telling me , probably not helped by my face showing absolute disbelief.
It has made me think about my own children and what they would do.
His partner is ok, a bit of a cold fish but he loves her so that's what matters .
AIBU to be appalled or is this becoming the norm now.

OP posts:
MamaGhina · 29/08/2023 18:12

They don’t owe her because she was a SAHM!

That said, yeah it’s pretty shitty. I’d move mountains to get my mum to me for a couple of weeks because of a broken leg, rather then see her go into a home.

minou123 · 29/08/2023 18:16

I wouldn't be so quick to judge.

It could be all the adult children are terrible, awful people, who won't look after their mum.

Or, it could be she was a awful mum. Maybe she treated her children terribly and this is the consequence.

You are appalled?- I think its likely you don't know the full story.

MidnightOnceMore · 29/08/2023 18:18

You've no idea of the full story, I'd reserve judgment.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/08/2023 18:19

That’s appalling. So low. I couldn’t have any respect for people who behave like that.

WeWereInParis · 29/08/2023 18:20

I think it's really impossibly to say, given that you don't know the details of the relationship between them and their mum, and you don't know what else they may have going on it their lives. Maybe you know more where your friend's partner is concerned, but you don't know about the siblings.

The mum is devastated - presumably your friend's partner told him that? Did she tell him like she didn't care, or like she cared but couldn't help.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 29/08/2023 18:21

If it required a care home stay rather than arranging carers to help at home then the care requirements would be to much for full time working adults. They may have been very aware of their own limitations. Besides the physio is probably a lot better than she would have got if discharged home.

moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 18:22

It's not always as simple as it sounds to an outsider

TakeMe2Insanity · 29/08/2023 18:24

Well I’d definitely look at my friend differently.

Dolores87 · 29/08/2023 18:25

You probably don't know the whole story. My mum was a sahm but we don't have a good relationship. She has never one helped me when I have really needed her help. Wouldn't put myself out to help her now. You kind of reep what you sow.

Parentingmishaps · 29/08/2023 18:25

I would be looking at my partner through different eyes if they spouted that view with that attitude. Yes there is help through the state but the attitude from the partner is not a nice one.

Original poster
justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:26

The hospital rang to discharge her home. His partner's words were that the hospital had to get her a bed somewhere as they all refused to take her and anyway they pay enough in taxes. She does not need rehab or care to that extent.
You're all right. I don't know too much i
But I know they see her mum very regularly, socialise and holiday with her so I'm guessing things aren't too bad usually.
I'm biased also as I care very much for my friend and know him so well. I shudder to think what's ahead of him with her. It was so cold and clinical. But yea, I judged.

OP posts:
Clefable · 29/08/2023 18:27

Seems unusual for an otherwise healthy 65yo to go into a care home for this reason. A fair few people are still working at that age! I'd be interested in why she requires that level of care.

Balloonsandroses · 29/08/2023 18:28

I would be absolutely astounded if she is able to fully self care and has been given a care home bed - I have never known that happen, if it’s possible to get someone home with carers that’s what happens

I think there’s more to this story than meets the eye.

Original poster
justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:28

She doesn't require that level of care but they refused her discharge home as her next of kin so the hospital had no choice but to find her a care home.

OP posts:
Clefable · 29/08/2023 18:29

I would imagine that she requires actually quite a lot of care if she's been admitted to a care home, and perhaps her children have told the hospital they are unwilling/unable to manage that level of care. The comments about money could just be venting that they were expected to carry out a high level of care when they feel it should be provided for their mum.

Original poster
justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:29

There really is no more to this .
NOK refused discharge. Hospital needed bed. Care home was only option. That's it .
No one would mind her.

OP posts:
FOJN · 29/08/2023 18:30

I understand why people are saying they would reserve judgement but in the OP the friends partners reason for not collecting her mum and supporting her at home is because they have paid taxes and she feels the state should provide for all her mum's care needs.

The OP's friend was also embarrassed; presumably he would know if there was a relevant back story and wouldn't be appalled by his partners actions if there was a justifiable reason for the children's behaviour. Assuming the OP isn't going to drop a massive drip feed about how the mum neglected or abused the children.

Hard to know for sure but it appears to be an incredibly shitty thing for the family to do.

Goldbar · 29/08/2023 18:30

Difficult to say. They may be refusing to take responsibility as the only way for their mother to get the assistance she needs. If she can't be discharged home without their cooperation, can she really care for herself?

sleepyscientist · 29/08/2023 18:31

Their more to it OP. DH could near enough look after himself (if he wasn't male he would have been fine) in a cast and didn't need anyone at home with him. Only thing he couldn't do was cook but would have happily lived on ready meals vs sitting a stool to chop some veg.

Gellhell · 29/08/2023 18:31

It's disgusting. What a betrayal. Yanbu. Whose paying care home fees?

LindorDoubleChoc · 29/08/2023 18:31

Well this is crazy. Is she bed-bound? If she can move around on crutches she does not need to be in a care home! I hope the state are bloody well NOT paying for her to be in a care home.

Original poster
justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:32

The comments were breathtakingly arrogant and entitled in my opinion . She feels that the governement should care for and feed and provide all care for her mum until she is perfect again because that's what they pay their taxes for! She is holding up a care home bed at the end of the day.

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 29/08/2023 18:32

She needs minimal care but physio three times per week. She is mobile on crutches and* Can self care*

And she's been put in a care home? Rather than having carers at her own home? That isn't done unnecessarily, she must have some more involved needs.

Clefable · 29/08/2023 18:32

But that's the thing, she doesn't have to be minded by anyone surely? She's not elderly, she's not unwell in other ways, she doesn't need to be babysat, she can just go home? Why can't she just discharge herself? A lot of single people have to manage health conditions or injuries at home with minimal help and no family around. Can't she just go home and arrange for carers to come in if she needs? Presumably she has her own capacity?

mrsm43s · 29/08/2023 18:34

Sorry, but this doesn't make sense.

If she has capacity and didn't need extensive care, then she makes her own decisions about where she goes. Her "next of kin" has no say in the matter. The idea that someone in their sixties has to get their children's permission to be released back to their own home is both preposterous and ageist.

If they are expecting someone to do significant care, then they would have to get the potential carer's agreement, but it is quite reasonable for someone not to have the space or capacity to become a carer. That doesn't make them uncaring or a bad person. No-one owed their parents several decades of servitude because they were a SAHP!

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