To be appalled at how this woman is treated

[justtrees]

My best friend and I were chatting today. His partners mum has broken her leg after a nasty trip over her dog.
She was in hospital for a couple of days following a bone reset and cast and the staff rang to collect her to bring her home.
Her adult children refused point blank.

His partners attitude was that the government could pay for her care and rehabilitation and meals as that is what they paid taxes for.
Her mum is 65, fit and generally healthy and lives alone.
Her mum is devastated as she has now been moved to a care home miles away from anyone of her family . They visit her once a week and refuse discharge until she is 'perfect' again.
Their mum was a SAHM all her life and devoted her life to her kids. Their Dad is dead. She needs minimal care but physio three times per week. She is mobile on crutches and
Can self care.

They are all shift workers, one with no kids, the others with teens so I'm pretty sure they could have supported her in her own home and offered her lifts or organised taxis between them.

Now my best friend and I go back thirty years and know each other inside out and each others families and hell would freeze over before he would allow that for his own mum and mine for the matter !
He was embarrassed telling me , probably not helped by my face showing absolute disbelief.
It has made me think about my own children and what they would do.
His partner is ok, a bit of a cold fish but he loves her so that's what matters .
AIBU to be appalled or is this becoming the norm now.

We are just going through the discharge process with mum, she’s 88 and has had a severe stroke.

There is no way a fit, 65 year old woman, who can self-mobilise has been sent, against her will, too a care home, for the duration it will take for her bone to heal.

You haven’t got the whole story and neither has your friend (after all it isn’t his mother) so I would reserve judgement. Are you sure that you aren’t jumping on this because you don’t really like his partner and are looking for yet another thing (I’m sure there are others) that proves that she’s a bit of a cold fish?

@Goldbar so sorry. I quoted you by mistake.

I wouldn't be surprised to find out that the DM has wider health problems that the family have been trying to get sorted for years and are now taking the opportunity to push for better support. I've had this situation with a friend where a group of us were supporting someone who was unwell who kept getting discharged then having a health crisis shortly after which we would have to drop everything to deal with and they would end up being readmitted. The friend was part of the problem and would tell the hospital they could stay with friends. At the last crisis I pretty much dumped them at A&E and we all told the friend we weren't going to help - they ended up in hospital for 6 weeks which got their health stabilised. It can be easier to set up formal ongoing post-discharge support services if you are in a healthcare setting.

It could be something as straightforward as the DM having osteoporosis (hence the break) and they are concerned that another fall in the home environment whilst unsteady could cause life changing harm.

No probs - I agree 😊. Nowadays with the pressures of life, very few family members are geared up to take on substantial caring responsibilities, even if they wanted to. Most people would do what they could but are often struggling themselves.

I think the SAHM point is a total red herring. That was her choice/ hers and her late husbands. Not that of their children.

It does sound odd that she would be put in a care home when so little is needed, almost as though it can’t be right.

Generally speaking, you’d expect adults to be able to arrange a visiting shift between them but maybe they can’t make it work with the shift work.

With due respect I have a feeling that this woman needs much more than that so there is probably no real comparison. But it is very good that you have all done that. It will be very useful when the care needs increase and entail more than evening and weekend commitment.

"The government are paying of course"

I wonder if this isn't really the crux of your chagrin at this situation. It is of course only right that the government of a civilised country should step in and provide care to frail/vulnerable/unwell people when there are no alternatives. As has been highlighted by PPs, it's exceptionally unlikely that a care home stay was arranged for this lady without very definite need.

My gut feeling is that you're miffed at the concept of "the government paying" for something you personally deem unnecessary, while not being abreast of all the facts.

I'd stop worrying about this if I were you; you're definitely not seeing the full picture.

I’m with the others that there is much more going on in this situation. Hell, 65 is still working age where I live. Unless it’s a significant injury requiring significant rehab you’re being discharged home (and back to work!) at that age.

Now sure they’re going to ask about the home situation, but as a 65 yo with sound mind if I say I can manage my tri-level house with spiral staircases and floors carpeted in marbles and banana peels, they may offer me services but at the end of the day they can’t stop me from discharging home.