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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be appalled at how this woman is treated

134 replies

justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:09

My best friend and I were chatting today. His partners mum has broken her leg after a nasty trip over her dog.
She was in hospital for a couple of days following a bone reset and cast and the staff rang to collect her to bring her home.
Her adult children refused point blank.

His partners attitude was that the government could pay for her care and rehabilitation and meals as that is what they paid taxes for.
Her mum is 65, fit and generally healthy and lives alone.
Her mum is devastated as she has now been moved to a care home miles away from anyone of her family . They visit her once a week and refuse discharge until she is 'perfect' again.
Their mum was a SAHM all her life and devoted her life to her kids. Their Dad is dead. She needs minimal care but physio three times per week. She is mobile on crutches and
Can self care.

They are all shift workers, one with no kids, the others with teens so I'm pretty sure they could have supported her in her own home and offered her lifts or organised taxis between them.

Now my best friend and I go back thirty years and know each other inside out and each others families and hell would freeze over before he would allow that for his own mum and mine for the matter !
He was embarrassed telling me , probably not helped by my face showing absolute disbelief.
It has made me think about my own children and what they would do.
His partner is ok, a bit of a cold fish but he loves her so that's what matters .
AIBU to be appalled or is this becoming the norm now.

OP posts:
Alwaysdecorating · 29/08/2023 18:34

And how have the hospital stopped her discharging herself?

You are missing a huge piece of information. I also have to wander….if yours friend is so embarrassed by his partner’s actions, why did he tell you at all?

Hobbesmanc · 29/08/2023 18:34

justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:29

There really is no more to this .
NOK refused discharge. Hospital needed bed. Care home was only option. That's it .
No one would mind her.

If she's 65. Otherwise fit with mental capacity then she doesn't require next of kin to discharge. There's no way they'd put someone in a nursing home. Too expensive. They'd arrange patient transfer home with a reablement care package. Unless where she lives has no homecare available. I think there's only half a story here.

Original poster
justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:34

I expect she needs transport to physio and appointments but has these raised these children so will not be able to go.
The government are paying of course.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 29/08/2023 18:34

Clefable · 29/08/2023 18:32

But that's the thing, she doesn't have to be minded by anyone surely? She's not elderly, she's not unwell in other ways, she doesn't need to be babysat, she can just go home? Why can't she just discharge herself? A lot of single people have to manage health conditions or injuries at home with minimal help and no family around. Can't she just go home and arrange for carers to come in if she needs? Presumably she has her own capacity?

Indeed. If it's such a straightforward case and she doesn't need care from her children, why can't she discharge herself?

Nagado · 29/08/2023 18:35

If I were your friend, I might be wondering what lay in store for me if I ever found myself in a similar situation to his partner’s mum.

SecretVictoria · 29/08/2023 18:35

Trouble is, care is very often not provided at home. If hospitals/doctors think family are doing it then it won’t often be provided, or will be much reduced. And very often you have to kick and scream to get the bare minimum.

Its the awful state of our care system. There was a lady on here within the last few weeks saying that her morning home-care call was nearer to lunchtime and she missed an appointment because of it. At least in a home, they HAVE to do something.

InternetSafe · 29/08/2023 18:35

Sounds pretty appalling to me too

Original poster
justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:36

She can't discharged herself because she doesn't have anyone to help her .. at all.. with anything. She needs physio, appointments presumably, a little help here and there by the sounds of it but they're not in any way involved in her care. His partner thinks the government should provide all of this because she knows they won't throw her out onto the street with no care package available or support system.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 29/08/2023 18:37

justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:34

I expect she needs transport to physio and appointments but has these raised these children so will not be able to go.
The government are paying of course.

But why should the children necessarily do these things? Most people work and/or have family responsibilities so couldn't necessarily help in this way. I live hours away from my parents so couldn't provide this sort of assistance.

Alwaysdecorating · 29/08/2023 18:37

justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:36

She can't discharged herself because she doesn't have anyone to help her .. at all.. with anything. She needs physio, appointments presumably, a little help here and there by the sounds of it but they're not in any way involved in her care. His partner thinks the government should provide all of this because she knows they won't throw her out onto the street with no care package available or support system.

Unless she lacks capacity she can discharge herself.

mrsm43s · 29/08/2023 18:37

justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:34

I expect she needs transport to physio and appointments but has these raised these children so will not be able to go.
The government are paying of course.

Still nonsense.

Physio and appointments can happen in the home, or if necessary patient transport would be arranged.

You're either talking rubbish or have been spun a line.

Original poster
justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:38

Fair enough but would you not help to organise support for your mum if she had no one ?

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 29/08/2023 18:38

She is only 65, isn’t bed bound, can self care and doesn’t need intensive rehab. I don’t understand why the hospital are asking her adult children about discharging her. What does it have to do with them? She’s an independent adult.

My two adult children are both at university miles away. If my dh was dead and this happened to me, would the hospital call them to ask about discharging me? I don’t get it.

Goldbar · 29/08/2023 18:39

justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:36

She can't discharged herself because she doesn't have anyone to help her .. at all.. with anything. She needs physio, appointments presumably, a little help here and there by the sounds of it but they're not in any way involved in her care. His partner thinks the government should provide all of this because she knows they won't throw her out onto the street with no care package available or support system.

It may be better for her though to have proper, consistent care provided in a care home, then to have to rely on the scraps of care that her family can provide around their everyday lives.

Newmumatlast · 29/08/2023 18:39

justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:26

The hospital rang to discharge her home. His partner's words were that the hospital had to get her a bed somewhere as they all refused to take her and anyway they pay enough in taxes. She does not need rehab or care to that extent.
You're all right. I don't know too much i
But I know they see her mum very regularly, socialise and holiday with her so I'm guessing things aren't too bad usually.
I'm biased also as I care very much for my friend and know him so well. I shudder to think what's ahead of him with her. It was so cold and clinical. But yea, I judged.

I may be nieve but I really don't think a good parent ends up with all kids being shits unless they were a shit. Maybe one child may go astray... but all of them? So there's more to it.

Original poster
justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:40

They admitted her and the hospital wouldn't discharge her without care in place. The family refused to care for her , leaving the hospital with no other option than sorting out a care home as there are no immediate carers available.
Am I being unclear. Genuine question?

OP posts:
Silentmama2 · 29/08/2023 18:40

Trust me if a care package can be put in place for her to go home - there would be no choice but for that to happen.

My MIL broke both wrists and was sent home- with a care package (and she could not manage self care). Her children could not be there to wipe her every time she needed to go - they both work.

There is more to this situation than you are being told.

Livedandlearned · 29/08/2023 18:42

Often care homes have rehabilitation beds and people stay there as independent patients receiving physio.

The physio is probably no better than if she was an outpatient.

CheshireCat1 · 29/08/2023 18:42

She could have gone home herself with patient transport, this could also be arranged to take her to hospital appointments.

WeWereInParis · 29/08/2023 18:42

justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:38

Fair enough but would you not help to organise support for your mum if she had no one ?

No? My mum is a bit younger (60) and with a broken leg would still arrange all this herself. I mean, I guess I would if she asked, but I'd think she'd gone a bit mad. She doesn't need me to arrange her life now. She's a full time teacher and perfectly competent. I'd be a bit confused as to why the hospital was contacting me tbh.

NameChangeEmbarressed · 29/08/2023 18:43

I wouldn't be able to do it if it was my parent. I have a demanding job, young children and can't drive.

That said, I would help out by having her stay in my house and have carers until she was able to go home, or if she wanted organise carers to go to her home

cruffinsmuffin · 29/08/2023 18:43

As PP have all stated - this makes zero sense about her being put into a care home with just the facts you've stated - it doesn't tie up with what happens when someone is actually discharged.

Her children, who work shifts and have DC, don't owe her providing care at home / trips to physio etc. Her being a SAHM has no bearing on this.

At 65, with full mental capacity - why couldn't she discharge herself and arrange her own care? A broken leg wouldn't have prevented that at all?

mrsm43s · 29/08/2023 18:43

justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:36

She can't discharged herself because she doesn't have anyone to help her .. at all.. with anything. She needs physio, appointments presumably, a little help here and there by the sounds of it but they're not in any way involved in her care. His partner thinks the government should provide all of this because she knows they won't throw her out onto the street with no care package available or support system.

Physio can happen in the home, so can medical appointments.

Home help can be bought in.

The local authority simply WILL NOT pay for residential care if a patient could reasonably be discharged their own home with carers and home visits, if it is a simple care need. They always choose the cheapest option.

What is possible, is that she has gone to a specialist NHS re-ablement placement. These are sometimes funded, for up to 6 weeks by the NHS, based on clinical need, if it is deemed that it is the most appropriate setting for recovery. It is not for care needs. It will have been a clinical decision designed to give the best ongoing outcomes - to make the patient most likely to recover full independence. It would not have been done without the patient (not the next of kin's) full consent, and it is a form of treatment (with excellent outcomes).

Goldbar · 29/08/2023 18:44

justtrees · 29/08/2023 18:38

Fair enough but would you not help to organise support for your mum if she had no one ?

I would, but that might involve a care home if that was the best option for her. And if I couldn't afford it myself (and she didn't have the resources), then I might resort to essentially playing chicken with the system. I have a job and two young children, one in school. We live hours from my parents. The help I could realistically offer would be to coordinate a team of carers to make occasional visits. And I would not like to think of them vulnerable and alone at home potentially with insufficient support. Her children are perhaps in a different situation, but they will have their own life pressures.

Papillon23 · 29/08/2023 18:44

Hospitals don't send patients to care homes who don't need any care. If she didn't need care at home she could be transferred home on hospital transport, and the same for getting to hospital for physio.

I can see it sounds like a horrible and difficult situation, but people on here are regularly advised not to accept their parent home if they don't have the capacity to take care of them - because hospital discharge is the best time to get them into the system urgently, rather than being left til breaking point.

It may be an unusual situation, and that the hospital are paying for unnecessary care. It may be that the person's children are terrible people. Or it may be that the circumstances are a lot more complex than they appear to you and we don't have all the information.

If the person in question is capable of taking care of themselves I suggest they discharge themselves from the care home, book a train ticket with assistance, a taxi to the station and head back to their house. If they can't do that, are they truly capable of managing without care at home?

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