To be appalled at how this woman is treated

[justtrees]

My best friend and I were chatting today. His partners mum has broken her leg after a nasty trip over her dog.
She was in hospital for a couple of days following a bone reset and cast and the staff rang to collect her to bring her home.
Her adult children refused point blank.

His partners attitude was that the government could pay for her care and rehabilitation and meals as that is what they paid taxes for.
Her mum is 65, fit and generally healthy and lives alone.
Her mum is devastated as she has now been moved to a care home miles away from anyone of her family . They visit her once a week and refuse discharge until she is 'perfect' again.
Their mum was a SAHM all her life and devoted her life to her kids. Their Dad is dead. She needs minimal care but physio three times per week. She is mobile on crutches and
Can self care.

They are all shift workers, one with no kids, the others with teens so I'm pretty sure they could have supported her in her own home and offered her lifts or organised taxis between them.

Now my best friend and I go back thirty years and know each other inside out and each others families and hell would freeze over before he would allow that for his own mum and mine for the matter !
He was embarrassed telling me , probably not helped by my face showing absolute disbelief.
It has made me think about my own children and what they would do.
His partner is ok, a bit of a cold fish but he loves her so that's what matters .
AIBU to be appalled or is this becoming the norm now.

OP it doesn't make sense because we simply don't live in a world where adults with full mental capacity need the permission of NOK in various medical situations. What you're describing is some kind of George Orwell fantasy.

Adults are allowed to discharge themselves and arrange their own care, unless they're in a situation where they aren't actually capable. If this is the case this lady must need so much more care than that your friend has described.

Exactly this, she would be sent home and carers organised if it was minor. I bet the hospital have asked the kids to have her they have said no because they don’t have the capacity to look after her needs with working and children and that’s why they can’t take her not that they don’t care. They probably want her getting the full care she needs to recover.

Unless she’s mentally incompetent, she doesn’t need a NOK to discharge her, no one has ever needed someone to discharge them unless they’re physically or mentally incapable of leaving the hospital under their own steam.

MN verdict.
It must be all her own fault that her children don’t give a fuck about her.
No other explanation possible.

not unclear but it doesn't tie in with what I (background in hospital discharges) and others on this thread have commented which suggests you don't know the whole story (given you are hearing it third or fourth hand).

If someone is well enough to manage at home with minimal care they can't be forced into a care home. The mum could organise her own care to come in as needed and pay privately, if her needs are that minimal, including paying for taxis to her physio. Or if she couldn't afford to do so it would be much cheaper for the hospital to organise care visitors for her once a day or whatever she needs than for her to go into a care home.

Even if both she and the hospital refused to organise any at-home care, as long as she has mental capacity the hospital can't force her to go into a care home. As long as you're mentally capable you can discharge yourself against medical advice. Therefore the mother must agree she needs a lot of help and wouldn't be able to manage at home, even with carers, which suggests she needs more care than her children could easily provide.

Does that make it 'right' that the children won't put themselves out for a few weeks if they otherwise have a good relationship with her? Maybe not, but it's not as clear cut as 'she only needs someone to take her some shopping and give her a lift once a week and all her kids are refusing to even do that.'

That's not a thing, they cannot "refuse discharge". She's an adult woman, she makes her own life choices not them. Unless you are suggesting she does not have mental capacity.

Noone goes into a care home for a broken leg. She would just have been asked if she could manage and if not then might have arranged a carer.

There's other stuff going on here, there has to be.

None of this makes any sense.

if all her kids treat her like that there must be a reason

No.

The overwhelming Mumsnet verdict is that facts, as the OP is presenting them, are simply not true and would not happen, so she is either talking nonsense or has been fed misinformation/an incomplete story.

You've been clear OP. From what you know, her kids sound awful.

She could discharge herself, get a taxi home, eat something from the freezer until Tesco delivered.

Who is looking after the dog?!

I think you've been given a version of events here OP that are about 50% true.

A piece of the jigsaw is missing...

This doesn’t make sense to me. I think she must need more care than you’ve been led to believe. If someone doesn’t need full time care, I think they are usually sent home with a care package.
My aunt (89) has just had a knee operation - normally very mobile but not at the moment. She’s been discharged home and carers are visiting 4x daily to help make meals/personal care.

Yes very unclear/contradictory

At the same time you are saying that this lady is independent on crutches and needs no help with personal care. You have inferred she has capacity - lives alone usually for example. You say she only needed a lift home from hospital and the odd lift to an appointment.

In the next breath you say the hospital won't discharge her without a care package. Suggesting she needs care unless your third hand information assessment of her health is better than the judgement of the hospital. And you also say that a competent, independent adult with capacity went to a care home where they are really upset because of no lift home - rather than ring a taxi. Unlikely.

It sounds infinitely more likely that this lady requires care and her children do not feel in a position to give it. They may work, have small children, have health issues themselves, live far away or for whatever reason not feel able to. And yes they feel that the NHS should care for their mum in this circumstance as our society isn't geared up to adults taking unknown amount of time off work and child raising for caring responsibilities.

My MIL broke her hip and went into catastrophic decline of health. It is ongoing 6 months later. My husband , myself and his siblings are in no position to offer full time care with jobs, children and for one sibling distance. Her husband is a carer 24/7 except the odd hour an adult child can give him respite. If the lady in your story were fine she would be home - she has been given a care home place because she requires care at the moment.

OP is correct, if you can’t be discharged home then it’s small local hospital or care home. The level of care can be very low, my friend was told she could have a shower once a week as that was the only time they’d have a staff member to wheel her to the shower which was in another building. This was in England about 9 years ago, not a developing country !
I always invent a relative at home to care for me.
OP this lady can discharge herself, but depends on her house layout how she’ll toilet, wash , sleep etc…

I'm sorry, OP, but it really does sound like the mum's needs must be greater than you say. If she's an otherwise healthy 65 year old, lives alone, can manage on crutches and doesn't need help to care for herself, why can't she discharge herself and get a taxi home? (Obviously it would be nicer if family came to collect her and settle her back into her own home.)

And if she does need more help than you've suggested, as terrible as it is, I can understand her family's point of view. Perhaps they don't live near their mum? Drs and physio appointments aren't always close by or at convenient times. If they're all in full time employment, how do you expect them to drop everything each time she needs medicines collected or to be taken to the GP for a blood test or a check up or driven to wherever the physio is, wait for the session to finish and be driven home (and that's assuming it starts on time). It really isn't that simple being even an occasional carer. I'd reserve your judgement on this one.

This doesn’t sound right at all.When my DM was 72(same age I am now).she was visiting my sister in Sheffield when she tripped on the pavement and fractured her hip.She was admitted to the General Hospital and had an operation to pin her hip.After spending a week in hospital she was ready for discharge but she decided she would rather be in her own home than stay longer with my sister so the hospital arranged a taxi to take her back home to Bedford.Age Uk delivered a walker with a tray so she could get around her flat.We did her food shopping but she refused all other help as she was very independent.She actually managed to do all her cooking and personal care.

All I know is what he told me and I took him at face value. He has no reason to lie but may not know the whole story. Regardless of why she is there , it was his partners attitude that astounded me.

This.

We've been through a situation where an elderly relative did exactly this. Was discharged home with broken leg, because all she needed was "a little bit of help", she also said her children would do it.
Became very quickly evident that her children popping in a couple of times a day (they lived 40 minutes away so an hour's visit took them over 2 hours) was draining them, plus they couldn't be there due to shift work at the times she really wanted them.
Ultimately she decided that she needed something and couldn't wait for the next time they were in, which was an hour or so later, and fell down the stairs and had to have a double hip replacement.
Not something you'd wish on anyone.

If she really was okay at home with the odd popping in and out, then the NHS would have provided a carer to come in for that rather than a home. If she's in a care home then she needs far more care than her children can reasonably provide.

A lot of patients are entitled to 6 weeks rehab in a care home as a step down from hospital. My local hospital has bought a former care home for this purpose.
It frees up an acute bed on a ward and gives a bit more time to recover.

His partner's attitude of not wanting to give up her job (and therefore likely endangering her finances and the roof over her head), her family life, her time with her children, her social life, her other commitments etc to become a full time unpaid carer? I think that's quite reasonable tbh.

If you are so very worried, perhaps you like to volunteer to be an unpaid carer for this person?

Do you have any idea whatsoever how utterly exhausting, difficult , life altering and soul destroying being a full time carer to an elderly parent is?

I lost count of the number of patients who assured me their family would be able to do X,Y and Z for them once discharged home, but when you spoke to family members this wasn't something they would be able to manage due to work/family/distance. You had a patient telling you one thing, relatives being told something completely different by the patient and the relative stuck in the middle trying to figure out the truth.

That's shit. My dad hurt his knee and was in hospital for a week. I dropped everything to help my mum, as she doesn't drive. It was covid and she wasn't allowed to visit and was really lonely without him.

perhaps she couldnt get community carers
perhaps her home wasnt suitable