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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be thinking about leaving work so DS goes back to college?

82 replies

ruslan2495 · 29/08/2023 00:19

I have a 17yo DS, hes got a now 1 year old son born last year just after he finished his GCSEs. He wasn't with the mum but he wanted to be involved in his sons life. When grandson was a few months old, his mum decided she wanted to have him adopted. DS refused and said he could live with us (I was also in agreement) he was due to start college but he wanted to care for grandson so we agreed that he could put it off for a year. He did get a job working part time and he still works there now. He is a good dad to grandson, I help out but because I work he takes care of him during the day and makes his meals etc. I keep an eye on him while DS showers and look after him when DS goes out with friends (which is rare) and whilst he's working. The college has a nursery which grandson was going to attend on the days DS has to go. Anyway, the issue is DS is now saying he doesn't want to go to college because he wants to stay at home with grandson and doesn't want him to go to nursery yet as he feels he's too young. He also said he doesn't want to do the course but I know he does. I've now been thinking of quitting my job so he can go and I can look after grandson but will I BU? I don't know what else to do as I want him to attend college.

OP posts:

TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 00:30

At 17 isn’t it a requirement to be in education? Or training? It’s a luxury being a stay at home parent. He needs to get moving with a career!!

NailyDale · 29/08/2023 00:34

I think you need to gently explain that the best way he can be a good dad to his son is by going to college and getting a qualification. Being a good dad is not only about right now, it's also about being in a position to support his son going forward. He's not thinking ahead because he's still a kid himself and can't see that far ahead. I think the parenting you need to do right now is see around that corner for him.

HeddaGarbled · 29/08/2023 00:37

Absolutely not. There are limits to how much you can sacrifice yourself, your financial security and life satisfaction to the stupidity of your children and I’d say this is definitely one of those limits.

Gliomes · 29/08/2023 00:41

Absolutely what @NailyDale said.

And giving up your job to look after your grandson would, in the long run, model giving up work to stay home. You don't want him to do that, so don't model it yourself.

Staying home with a little one is a luxury most of us don't have. My HV told me the anticipation of going back to work and putting them in childcare is worse than the reality for most, and I found that to be true. When they are little is absolutely the time to invest in your training or work, because it gets a lot more complicated and difficult when they are in school.

WandaWonder · 29/08/2023 00:47

Normally I would say do not do this very easily but in this case as there is a plan, I would be more open to it, BUT financially how would it work for your son and grandson and you if you did this anyway? what other income do you have in? and would it be easy for you to go back if you needed too?

If you have the income sorted and as he is a decent parent and not lazy and leaving it all to you if you are all in agreement this is not a long term thing and you are all open and honest about it all your feelings and there is an end plan, and it would seem to make sense that he could earn and contribute more in the long if he went to college which is no guarantee but more likely than not

then it could work

ThingsgetbetterwithalittlebitofRazzmatazz · 29/08/2023 00:51

If you can afford it then I would.

shitt · 29/08/2023 00:52

Ridiculous suggestion. You are the primary source of income for your household! He works part time in a presumably entry level role. It is irresponsible of you to give up your income to essentially be a stay at home parent, which is the same thing you’re begrudging him from doing. His income surely wouldn’t support 2 adults and a baby. He can attend college part time surely, and I’m sure he could even find online courses.

Workingmumchaos · 29/08/2023 00:53

You can tell from the username it’s absolutely fucking chaos. But my boy is thriving being in nursery. He also started around 1. He was unsure at first but now he loves it! Has friends he plays with, play dates etc. He learns so much from the other babies. And being at the college! That’s perfect. He can pop in and see him in blank periods. You don’t get many opportunities like that.

I also miss my son when I work. I feel awful about it at times. But I want to give him all the opportunities and experiences in life I can. Whether that’s going to the local national trust egg hunt, peppa pig land, swimming lessons, a holiday abroad, school trips, extra curricular like sports or music, skiing, a tutor, driving lessons, a car, support at university, help with a house deposit. That all costs money. He needs to put his oxygen mask on first otherwise he can’t help anyone. Sadly in this day and age love does not conquer all.

NewName122 · 29/08/2023 01:02

Yes yabu.

Murdoch1949 · 29/08/2023 05:21

Talk to the college about the timetable for the course he's thinking of. You will probably find that the hours are only around 15 per week, and depending on the timetable your son would have 2 free days or maybe afternoons off. I know my granddaughter, who is on her 4th year at college (having progressed through from BTEC Level 3 to HND) has always had 2 free days a week. She used this time to work p/t but your son could use it to have 2 days with his son. Having 4 days pw with his son would ensure continuity and continued bonding, while the 3 days in nursery would give your grandson excellent socialisation. It would also mean that your son is able to get back into education and able to gain further qualifications, getting on the pathway to a career that will fulfill him and provide for his son. Do your very best to get him to college.

Poppyblush · 29/08/2023 06:02

Your dd needs to grow up and face the fact that he needs an education to pay for his kid :put him in the nursery.

Poppyblush · 29/08/2023 06:02

Layinwait · 29/08/2023 06:06

What you son doesn’t want to do

is study, work, earn money.

and that OP, is the long and short of it

HamishTheCamel · 29/08/2023 06:11

I don't know what else to do - sorry OP, but I think you need to be a bit firmer here. It's important for your son to go to college, and his son will be fine in childcare. As you're doing him a massive favour by housing them both and helping out with babysitting etc you do have the right to insist.

BBno4 · 29/08/2023 06:16

I honestly would do it for 1 year, just to see ds get back into the routine of college and for him to be around people his own age and to feel the possibility of a future.

I did an apprenticeship at 24 and felt like I had gained back some identity for myself instead of just mum. I enjoyed the banter and environment.

After a year I would then encourage nursery, he would hopefully be in the flow of a course, new group of friends etc and would welcome the idea.

Lillianofthevalley · 29/08/2023 06:21

I would not give up work. What course us your son going to do and how many contact hours is it?

lostinmymess · 29/08/2023 06:24

How would you make a living without an income? It's a bonkers idea. Most babies have to go to nursery young because parents have to work and are fine. Bonkers idea on so many levels.

TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 09:35

The college won’t be 9-5 every day. It won’t be much different to the job. I guess as he’s working he could carry on doing that and a part time course? That’s not impossible.

LIZS · 29/08/2023 09:54

I think you need to insist dgs goes to college nursery while ds studies. It won't be more than a few sessions a week and give both you and ds a break. It would be risky for you to give up work now. Are ss involved in which case they would probably agree and support him.

Spacecowboys · 29/08/2023 10:02

As others have suggested, it is important for your son to realise that being a good parent also means being able financially support your child. An education and career is the best way to do this. ‘Full time ‘ college courses are typically only 15-18 hours a week so hardly taxing. If it was financially viable, I would look to reduce hours at work but I wouldn’t leave completely.

Dolores87 · 29/08/2023 10:06

I wouldn't. He has a part time job so he isn't doing nothing. He is only 17. He'll be fine looking after his kid for a couple more years and then going back to college in a few years time if that is what he wants to do. Might give him some time to really think about what he wants to do at college too to make sure he is making the right decision.

Needmorelego · 29/08/2023 10:17

It's only 2 more years until the baby is 3 and go into Pre-School nursery (which pretty much all 3 year olds do).
Your son could return to college then if he wants but the only issue is funding. He will have missed his 16-19 funding so would probably have to get a student loan.
But does he actually want a career that needs a specific qualification? If he hasn't got something in mind that he actually wants "be" but is happy to just have a job then he doesn't really need college.
A lot of 16-18 year olds do college for the 2 years because they feel they "have" to but it's just a time filler and they get a job as soon as college is done.
What is the job he is doing now? Could it turn into full time in a couple of years? Could he then train up within the job to a higher level (ie a management training scheme).
If all this is a possibility then I think he should stay home with his son for the next 2 years.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/08/2023 10:21

He needs to go. I think he's probably scared, college will be so different to what he had planned.

Is going part-time an option for him?

SecretVictoria · 29/08/2023 10:24

@TizerorFizz it is, but no one does anything if it doesn’t happen. There’s no checks done and no consequences if you drop out.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 29/08/2023 10:40

Who is going to support you all?

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