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Original poster

To be thinking about leaving work so DS goes back to college?

82 replies

ruslan2495 · 29/08/2023 00:19

I have a 17yo DS, hes got a now 1 year old son born last year just after he finished his GCSEs. He wasn't with the mum but he wanted to be involved in his sons life. When grandson was a few months old, his mum decided she wanted to have him adopted. DS refused and said he could live with us (I was also in agreement) he was due to start college but he wanted to care for grandson so we agreed that he could put it off for a year. He did get a job working part time and he still works there now. He is a good dad to grandson, I help out but because I work he takes care of him during the day and makes his meals etc. I keep an eye on him while DS showers and look after him when DS goes out with friends (which is rare) and whilst he's working. The college has a nursery which grandson was going to attend on the days DS has to go. Anyway, the issue is DS is now saying he doesn't want to go to college because he wants to stay at home with grandson and doesn't want him to go to nursery yet as he feels he's too young. He also said he doesn't want to do the course but I know he does. I've now been thinking of quitting my job so he can go and I can look after grandson but will I BU? I don't know what else to do as I want him to attend college.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 10:40

@SecretVictoria I can see this young man is trying to be responsible but he does need adult intervention to make the right educational choices. He could work and study. He could part time study. I guess he’s fallen off anyone’s radar!

Layinwait · 29/08/2023 10:45

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 29/08/2023 10:40

Who is going to support you all?

The tax payer

Needmorelego · 29/08/2023 10:45

@TizerorFizz but there's no reason to "study" if it's just a vague subject that doesn't lead to a plan. The OP said her son doesn't have anything particular he wants to do at college.
You can study at any age. His toddler is only going to be a toddler for 2 more years - you can't do that again at any age - it's happening now.

Needmorelego · 29/08/2023 10:47

@Layinwait the "tax payer" will be paying for college if he goes. It's free up until the age of 19. But what pays for state education - taxes !

BerryGoodPudding · 29/08/2023 10:52

He needs to think of the future. Right now he is able to work part time because he lives with his parent. How will he fund a home for himself and his child? The best thing he can do is go to college, do the course you have said he wants to do to be able to provide a better future for himself and his child.

Yes he can go back into education at any time, however, right now it is funded and he has the safety net of living at home. He has to think of the bigger picture. Lots of children go to nursery. Based on what my son's hours are at sixth form he won't even do a full day there.

shiningstar2 · 29/08/2023 10:57

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. As a grandmother of teens I have thought this morning how any of us could end up in a position like this. I think it is very important he goes to college this year. College course are only free up to the age of 19 and the older he gets the less inclined he may be. I think it's admirable that he is a good dad at his age ...just as it is admirable when young mothers step up. Can you afford to give up work? Would you regret it. I think he needs supported in going to college and getting his child to nursery but, I personally wouldn't want to give up my job to facilitate this. I would encourage him to give the course plus nursery a try. He may enjoy being around other young people once he starts and staying at home all day every day could impact on his mental health. 💐

CremeEggThief · 29/08/2023 10:59

Yes, YWBU to do this, but you'd be doing the wrong thing for what you think are the right reasons, if that makes sense! Argh! I admire you doing your best to support your son and grandson and being prepared to do this, but college is only a couple of years and what will you do about work after that, especially if you have a permanent job at present? Basically think of the long-term financial implications for yourself (and ultimately DS too!)

pilates · 29/08/2023 11:03

Bad idea
You need to work to put food on the table.
He needs to go to college to improve qualifications to facilitate job opportunities in the future.
It will be good for your GS as he will benefit social skills, independence, etc
Your DS needs to see the bigger picture here

Caerulea · 29/08/2023 11:07

Sometimes things just don't work out how you planned & you find ways to deal with it.

Honestly I'm quite impressed by your son being so responsible in quite extreme circumstances - the world needs more men like that, not less because MN thinks money/income is more important.

He's very young, if his instinct is to look after his son & put off college, then that's his call & it's not a bad one. Presumably this child is growing up without a mum, that's quite a major thing & will likely have a lasting effect so getting security into their little world right now is more important.

You don't need to give up your job, let your son be the dad he clearly wants to be & be proud you raised such a young man. Maybe he doesn't get a fancy career but instead his life is fullfilled by being a present dad. If him working PT without support from you works, then go for it!

Needmorelego · 29/08/2023 11:14

Why does everyone think you have to go to college to get a job that you can move up in?
A relative of mine "dropped out" of college after about a term (he was just turned 17). He turned his part time job in retail to full time, joined the management training scheme and now at 23 is a trainee manager earning a good wage.

Caerulea · 29/08/2023 11:14

*with support from you, not without

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 29/08/2023 12:02

Layinwait · 29/08/2023 06:06

What you son doesn’t want to do

is study, work, earn money.

and that OP, is the long and short of it

I don't think that's really very fair!
He has stepped up to the plate and taken on his responsibilities in a way that not all lads would have.
We don't criticise women who want to be at home with their little ones until they are a bit older. Nor do we criticise their anxieties about sending their DC to childcare - quite the opposite!
Yes the best option for him is to go to college in September this year but to label him as work shy is completely unnecessary and nasty.

QuillBill · 29/08/2023 12:09

I think lots of us would like to stay at home and be stay at home parents but in reality that's not realistic. Most people work.

Presumably you are financially secure as you can afford to not work and your son should be able to look at you and want the same.

I don't think going to college is the only way he can be successful but them having a day care in site is a big plus point.

Rosebel · 29/08/2023 12:10

I wouldn't. Is there a reason why your son has to go to college now? Can he wait another year? His son will be older, maybe entitled to free hours and your son still has plenty of time to train /get a career.

Original poster
ruslan2495 · 29/08/2023 12:14

He knows what he wants to do as he was going to do the same course last year until we agreed he goes this year instead, but he's now saying he doesn't want to do the course, I don't think he'd want to do the job he's doing currently long term. I want him to go this year as agreed, I also think it will be good for them both. Grandson still wakes in the night crying and they end up co sleeping and they're with each other all the time apart from when DS is out with friends or working which is when I have him. He's never been left alone with anyone else. He sees his mum occasionally but DS is always with them.

OP posts:
EinyLinky · 29/08/2023 12:14

I was out of college at that age, went back when I was 19 (worked part time between) and am now in a good job after getting a degree. Him taking some time out of education isn't the end of the world, especially to be there while his son is little. It makes more sense for him to stay home and go back to college later, than for you to

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2023 12:17

How old are you? When you plan to go back to work?

user1471538283 · 29/08/2023 12:21

He needs to go to college. As a user said upthread he needs to take advantage of the funding available for him. And the hours at the college will not be 9-5 every day. He needs more structure not less if he is to provide for his DS in the future.

I do understand his concerns about sending his DS to kindergarten but we all have to do that and usually it really helps the little ones. My DS throughly enjoyed kindergarten.

I know it's hard to not be with the little one but he will eventually need to get a full time job.

If you give up work who will support you all? And this will have an impact on your pension and future career/work.

Sirzy · 29/08/2023 12:22

Can you take a few weeks off to help with settling your grandson into nursery?

it’s a big change and I can understand your sons hesitance. But as is so easy he is focusing on now so some help with him figuring the long term plan is probably needed.

EinyLinky · 29/08/2023 12:28

user1471538283 · 29/08/2023 12:21

He needs to go to college. As a user said upthread he needs to take advantage of the funding available for him. And the hours at the college will not be 9-5 every day. He needs more structure not less if he is to provide for his DS in the future.

I do understand his concerns about sending his DS to kindergarten but we all have to do that and usually it really helps the little ones. My DS throughly enjoyed kindergarten.

I know it's hard to not be with the little one but he will eventually need to get a full time job.

If you give up work who will support you all? And this will have an impact on your pension and future career/work.

He can get funding for a while yet, even if he doesn't return right now

Balloonhearts · 29/08/2023 12:41

I think I'd put my foot down on this one as its important that he gets an education and establishes a career now while the baby is young. They only get more expensive and less portable as they get older.

The on site nursery is a rare opportunity and he should jump on it. The course won't be completely college based, you finish early most days as you just attend the lesson, complete that days work and leave when you're finished.

He's going to want his own home for him and his son and a decent standard of living so he needs to get his career/trade off the ground ASAP.

Balloonhearts · 29/08/2023 12:43

Plus babies need socialisation and thrive on new experiences. Chances are the baby will love nursery. New friends, new toys, endless 'educational ' opportunities to get absolutely filthy. 😆

LIZS · 29/08/2023 12:51

There is no guarantee that even if you gave up work and looked after dgs that ds would stick at his college course.

Needmorelego · 29/08/2023 12:57

@Balloonhearts not everyone needs a career though. Some people just need a job.

RaininSummer · 29/08/2023 13:06

If there is nursery available for him to attend college then that's what he should do. Maybe look at different courses if the original one no longer floats his boat. Or sign up for an apprenticeship and find a childminder?

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