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Original poster

To be thinking about leaving work so DS goes back to college?

82 replies

ruslan2495 · 29/08/2023 00:19

I have a 17yo DS, hes got a now 1 year old son born last year just after he finished his GCSEs. He wasn't with the mum but he wanted to be involved in his sons life. When grandson was a few months old, his mum decided she wanted to have him adopted. DS refused and said he could live with us (I was also in agreement) he was due to start college but he wanted to care for grandson so we agreed that he could put it off for a year. He did get a job working part time and he still works there now. He is a good dad to grandson, I help out but because I work he takes care of him during the day and makes his meals etc. I keep an eye on him while DS showers and look after him when DS goes out with friends (which is rare) and whilst he's working. The college has a nursery which grandson was going to attend on the days DS has to go. Anyway, the issue is DS is now saying he doesn't want to go to college because he wants to stay at home with grandson and doesn't want him to go to nursery yet as he feels he's too young. He also said he doesn't want to do the course but I know he does. I've now been thinking of quitting my job so he can go and I can look after grandson but will I BU? I don't know what else to do as I want him to attend college.

OP posts:
NellyBarney · 29/08/2023 13:06

Could you go part time, maybe go down to 4 days? I'd insist your ds goes to college, and dgs goes 2/3 days/week to nursery, but as your ds will need time to study/do work placements/ do a bit of teenage stuff, he'll still need your help. If you could help without risking your job/long term earning potential, that would obviously be ideal.

TallulahBetty · 29/08/2023 13:12

Does the mum pay CMS? He needs to open a claim if she doesn't.

Vinrouge4 · 29/08/2023 13:13

Well done on your son and you in providing a secure home for your grandson. Personally I would move heaven and earth not to have any of my grandchildren adopted. I think you are right in trying to persuade your son to have a life outside of his son. It is more healthy and would give him a chance to learn a trade. If you can afford it then giving up work for a year would mean your son can go to college confident that his son is being looked after by you. In another year you can reassess the situation.

Original poster
ruslan2495 · 29/08/2023 14:36

DS’s dad pays child maintenance for him and he gives DS extra for grandson. He also wants DS to go to college, the nursery at the college is also free but DS doesn't want him to go yet, I didn't send him until he was 3, and that was to a school nursery.

The mum doesn't pay as DS has said he doesn't need her help

OP posts:
LIZS · 29/08/2023 14:40

I suspect you were not a 17old single parent when your ds was 3. Circumstances change, needs must. There is nothing wrong with using a college nursery place to improve his longer term prospects. Has he got any qualifications?

Easystuff · 29/08/2023 14:49

ruslan2495 · 29/08/2023 00:19

I have a 17yo DS, hes got a now 1 year old son born last year just after he finished his GCSEs. He wasn't with the mum but he wanted to be involved in his sons life. When grandson was a few months old, his mum decided she wanted to have him adopted. DS refused and said he could live with us (I was also in agreement) he was due to start college but he wanted to care for grandson so we agreed that he could put it off for a year. He did get a job working part time and he still works there now. He is a good dad to grandson, I help out but because I work he takes care of him during the day and makes his meals etc. I keep an eye on him while DS showers and look after him when DS goes out with friends (which is rare) and whilst he's working. The college has a nursery which grandson was going to attend on the days DS has to go. Anyway, the issue is DS is now saying he doesn't want to go to college because he wants to stay at home with grandson and doesn't want him to go to nursery yet as he feels he's too young. He also said he doesn't want to do the course but I know he does. I've now been thinking of quitting my job so he can go and I can look after grandson but will I BU? I don't know what else to do as I want him to attend college.

I'm.only replying to the op . I got about 6 posts down and the nastiness starts.

It sounds like your son is a fantastic dad. He's working and doing his best to look after his son . Alot of grown men don't even do that.

Reassure him that the course will be really good for him and lead to better things for him. Ie better job pay etc which in turn is better for his son. Also nursery will be really good for his son it will do his development really good and mixing with other children is really good for him to.

JobMatch3000 · 29/08/2023 14:51

Quote: "The mum doesn't pay as DS has said he doesn't need her help."

Child maintenance is for the baby/child. It's great that your son says he doesn't need help but he needs to put in a CMS claim and if he doesn't need the money now, he can put it in a savings account for the baby for when he's older.

Also ensure he's claiming Child Tax Credit/Child Benefit etc.

Sirzy · 29/08/2023 14:52

Would he agree to try it between now and Christmas and see how it works and take it from there?

Original poster
ruslan2495 · 29/08/2023 15:32

LIZS · 29/08/2023 14:40

I suspect you were not a 17old single parent when your ds was 3. Circumstances change, needs must. There is nothing wrong with using a college nursery place to improve his longer term prospects. Has he got any qualifications?

He didn't get the best grades for GCSEs, but not the worst either. However, he'd still need to resist English and he did want to resit maths also as he was disappointed with the grade he got for that.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 29/08/2023 15:35

He needs to be responsible for his child now and work hard to provide for him. That involves going to college or getting an apprenticeship (which will still involve college work).

I wouldn't dream of giving up my own job but would tell him to set a good example to his son.

LIZS · 29/08/2023 15:38

He should definitely resit English asap in that case, probably alongside a level 2 qualification with a view to level 3 or an apprenticeship next year. That probably won't be timetabled for more than about 12 hours a week in college, so time to spend with the baby and pt work.

Needmorelego · 29/08/2023 15:55

@OhComeOnFFS or he can get a job to support his son.... which he already has.
You don't always need college for a job

LaviniasBigBloomers · 29/08/2023 15:57

I'm not surprised he's hesitant about changing the status quo and I think some posters are being a little unfair. His life has changed irrevocably over the last 18 months, he's stepped up to look after his kid, he's done a great job from what you say. He should be applauded for that.

I think you both need to take a step back and work out his short and medium term goals. Things like not claiming CMS from the mother - that's an immature response (which I totally get, he's only 17). But, for example, if he claimed CMS he could probably give up his part-time job, which would mean he'd have time to focus on the baby outside of college. Baby will do great in nursery, you're there in the background to support, and DS is able to finish his qualifications while he's eligible for funding - that's a win all round.

I also agree with pps who say he won't be in that many hours. And actually, it will do him good to have a bit of time away from parenting, I think.

What I actually suggest is that he contacts the student union at college and makes time to sit down with the welfare adviser, who will have seen it all and have some really good ideas for supporting DS.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 29/08/2023 16:00

But you absolutely shouldn't give up your job. This is not your baby. Your baby is now an adult, in the most adult way possible. Your job now is to support him to parent his child while you parent him appropriately - ie by helping him figure things out, separate from you and stand on his own two feet. It's a toughie for sure but you both sound like practical, caring people - you can figure this out together.

Caterina99 · 29/08/2023 16:23

No I wouldn’t give up my job in this situation. I assume you are the main earner for the household? Also I was a sahm when my kids were small (not v long ago) and I found it quite isolating and boring, so no chance I’d go back to that unless there was absolutely no option. If I were you I’d be as supportive as possible in helping with childcare as much around my own commitments. Plus you are presumably housing them both.

Not everyone can be a sahp. Especially if he’s single. He needs to earn money to provide for his child. It sounds like he’s doing great, but if the college offers free childcare on site he should take that opportunity. It won’t be full time and it will most likely be beneficial to them both.

Original poster
ruslan2495 · 29/08/2023 17:42

I've tried to speak to him again but he's adamant he doesn't want to go, he thinks the college course will be boring etc - although he's been saying for a while what job he wants and he wants to do the course. I would suggest him doing the course online but its more of a practical course so I don't think that'd be possible.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 29/08/2023 17:48

I think you need to politely put your foot down and tell him he either needs to be working more hours or in college. I get why he is reluctant but basically tough he has a baby to provide for and he needs to realise that is more than staying at home with the baby.

the availability of on site free childcare is something he won’t get often!

HowlingPig · 29/08/2023 18:19

Layinwait · 29/08/2023 06:06

What you son doesn’t want to do

is study, work, earn money.

and that OP, is the long and short of it

The lad has a part time job- that is work.

He is bringing up his baby (and not dumping it on his own mum to carry on like a normal teenager)- that is work.

He sounds like a lad who made a mistake and is trying to do the best he can. He is 17, he doesn’t have a lot of life experience to work with- it’s not surprising he doesn’t have all the answers.

@ruslan2495 - is there anyway he could defer for 1 more year and then go to college and put the baby in nursery when it’s a bit older? Or do a collage course part time?

Original poster
ruslan2495 · 29/08/2023 18:27

Sirzy · 29/08/2023 17:48

I think you need to politely put your foot down and tell him he either needs to be working more hours or in college. I get why he is reluctant but basically tough he has a baby to provide for and he needs to realise that is more than staying at home with the baby.

the availability of on site free childcare is something he won’t get often!

I would suggest that he try and work a few more hours if he definitely isn't going but it isn't that possible, he works a few evenings a week. He could work during the day but I'm obviously working then and he's said he doesn't want to work on a weekend, it's rare he works on weekends at the moment but he doesn't enjoy it.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 18:32

Has he visited the nursery? Is he really turning down free child care? I suspect he doesn’t understand what a bonus this is.

He won’t get a student loan. He cannot access higher education with his qualifications. Getting on with them is important for his and his child’s future.

TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 18:35

@Needmorelego No. He needs his basic maths and English gcse. He had a plan where college was needed for the job he wanted. It’s not vague at all. He’s really going to struggle to improve his earnings without better grades.

CremeEggThief · 29/08/2023 18:45

How old is the mum? Is she even old enough or earning enough to pay any CMS, realistically?

Would you consider telling him he has to work more weekends (when you're available to help out with DGS) if he doesn't go to college this year, OP?

I commend him in how well he seems to be attached and caring for his own son at such a young age, but he does also seem to want a lot of things his own way, which I don't think he can have. He needs to be willing to make some compromises too.

Emmelina · 29/08/2023 19:04

He needs to make use of the college nursery and do his course. It’s absolutely insane for you to quit your job and the money and social interaction that comes with that to look after his child while he goes to college part time at best and enjoys all the perks of a young carefree lad.

plenty of single parents have to make use of paid childcare to even make ends meet, he has the chance of free childcare and improving his career prospects with professional training to give him and his son a good chance in life and he CBA.

This isn’t your millstone to carry, OP.

Needmorelego · 29/08/2023 19:10

@TizerorFizz the OP says he needs to redo English and Maths - he didn't fail them. Just got lower than wanted grades so yes maybe he could do that (he might be able to do a online course) but he already has a job (part time) so they employed him with the grades he has. If the job is something that could lead to permanent full time when baby is older it would make sense to stay put.

TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 19:20

Minimum grades are needed for lots of courses. It’s best to get them while he can. Having actual tuition is better too so gaps can be addressed. It’s not great for his future to not have these qualifications as it limits choice.