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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do about ex bil at christmas

99 replies

SavBlancTonight · 28/08/2023 08:13

This is a bit fraught so will try to explain.

SIL and exBIL broke up almost 2 years ago. It was a difficult relationship and he was emotionally abusive, controlling etc. She was very reactive too so all round bad. She earned all the money with one of their ongoing issues being he worked minimum hours for minimum wage while also NOT doing childcare, home stuff etc. The relationship end wad therefore even worse and his behaviour has been pretty appalling to her as well as to the rest of us - he blames us and has form for sending long rants aggressive messages, being rude in person etc.

They continued to live together for a while so we all had Christmas together at their house 2 years ago. Last year we had Christmas at our house and we were asked to include him for the sake of their dc. He still regularly is there for SIL led family activities including of course things like their dc's birthday.

But I hate him. I hate how he treated and treats SIL. I hate the way he has treated me and dh. I hate the fact that his attendance drags everything down as he walks around with a long face, doesn't make any effort, and largely ignores his own dc. Made worse as they need constant supervision which he refuses to give. Him and SIL inevitably also get into arguments as a result of his uselessness.

So don't want to see him this Christmas. My view is that it's supposed to be a out spending time with people you love. But dh, understandably, feels conflicted as he doesn't want to upset sil and their dc. We did talk about going away for Christmas to.avoid the issue but cash and other logistics mean we can't.

It's causing tension. I honestly have no idea what to do.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 08:17

We don’t tend to see adult siblings on Xmas day-just say you’re having Xmas home alone this year.

TenThousandSpoons · 28/08/2023 08:17

Are you hosting? If not it won’t really be up to you. If you are I think you can say you’d rather not extend the invitation again after how it went last year, to SIL and she might be relieved. However if BIL doesn’t come for Xmas he would then probably get the kids every other Xmas so you wouldn’t see them either.

Original poster

SavBlancTonight · 28/08/2023 08:24

TenThousandSpoons · 28/08/2023 08:17

Good points. The issue is that he will never have the dc for alternate Christmases as he doesn't actually ever take them- he has no money and nowhere to take them. One of the many reasons I have issues with him.

Broadly, I would like to take this approach but dh knows it will cause a lot of problems with and for SIL. It might be 2 years on ans she is so much better at not getting sucked into exbil's BS, but she still feels responsible for managing his relationship with the dc.

I think at rhe end of the day, he was controlling and has found new ways to control her (and us). But making a stand for myself causes a lot of knock on issues for everyone else.

OP posts:

AmandaHoldensLips · 28/08/2023 08:26

That would be a firm no from me. Just say "ExBIL is not welcome in our house", put your foot down, and let the fallout happen. Otherwise you set a pattern for the future and that's not what you want for Christmas.

AmandaHoldensLips · 28/08/2023 08:27

And maybe suggest to your SIL that she does The Freedom Programme and gets counselling to help her with boundaries and healthy relationships.

Azaeleasinbloom · 28/08/2023 08:27

If you are expecting/ expected to host, talk to SIL now about your thoughts.
I would say simply that while she and her DC are welcome, if it means ex BIL must be included then the invitation is rescinded and you will be spending Christmas with your own immediate family.

You do not have to host anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home, and your DH needs to grow a spine. Ultimately SIL and her DC do not gain anything from having the twat there.

wowthatsharsh · 28/08/2023 08:33

Your SIL knows better than anyone they he's a nasty piece of work, so simply
say the following ...

"I'm sorry but at Christmas we want to have a lovely, happy and relaxing time. We therefore no longer want to spend it with ex-BIL".

It's therefore up to her what she decides to do.

However, don't back down!

LadyBird1973 · 28/08/2023 08:35

It's your Christmas too - the world can't revolve around sil's messy relationship. The upside to divorce is getting rid of annoying in laws. I'd tell sil that she and the kids are welcome but ex bil is an arsehole and not welcome.
She must then do whatever works best for her, but you are not compelled to have someone who was nasty to you, in your home at all, let alone at Christmas

Original poster

SavBlancTonight · 28/08/2023 08:37

It's good to see people agree I should be able to say no.

Dhs family us unusual in that his parents are divorced but have got to a good place and can do christmas etc together. His parents have also maintained a cordial relationship with ex SIL. So there is a pattern of including exes.

I want to put my foot down but the fallout will he catastrophic and I don't think I cN face it. Even while I am resentful that MY boundaries are being ignored.

OP posts:

MagpiePi · 28/08/2023 08:38

Did SIL ask for him to be included last year or other family members? If it was SIL then it sounds like she is still being manipulated by him.
If he was such a miserable fucker then I’m sure the DC would be relieved he wasn’t there.

Ponoka7 · 28/08/2023 08:39

You refusing to put up with his BS might help her to realise that she doesn't either. My DD has been were she is. If they won't step up as Dads, as they should then the DC suffer anyway. She made a bad choice, it's time for everyone to make the best decision for everyone.

Azaeleasinbloom · 28/08/2023 08:41

I think then you really need to focus on getting your DH onside. Point out that, presumably, his parents, though divorced , did not have a toxic relationship like his sister and her ex. Point out that it’s not good for any of the dc to see this behaviour as being accepted within the family. And point out that it is your Christmas too. I would be telling my DH it’s ex-BIL or me, and I would mean it.

trulyunruly01 · 28/08/2023 08:41

If she feels that strongly about the dc seeing their father on Xmas day, perhaps she can 'brunch' with him and then come on to you for the rest of the day.
It's a hard decision about ex in-laws when a break up has been amicable with no violence or abuse but in this case it's not hard at all. You can't have him stuck in the corner every year like the harbinger of doom.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 08:42

DH’s family can be the ones to host them then. You can choose to go or not go.

TenThousandSpoons · 28/08/2023 08:43

Yes split the day if SIL wants to see him, maybe first thing in the morning then she can come to you later without him.

Ponoka7 · 28/08/2023 08:43

X post, your DH needs to higher the bar on acceptable behaviour towards children. Would he cut a Mother as much slack? There's been and is abuse and neglect going on. There's complete disrespect towards you, as his host. He doesn't get an invite, he brings nothing to the table.

Teajenny7 · 28/08/2023 08:50

Rather than having Christmas with your DH's family. Could you have it with your extended family?

catrescuelady · 28/08/2023 08:51

This is coercive behaviour. The only person to stop this is SIL. He's going to dictate her whole life. What will happen when she meets a new partner. ?

ZebraD · 28/08/2023 08:51

If you can’t go away perhaps you could book a meal at a restaurant. Plenty of time to save for that. Just all meet up there, have your meal and then go separate ways. People tend to behave a little better in public.

romdowa · 28/08/2023 08:53

To avoid the drama could you say that you are going to do your own Christmas this year?

Kitkatcatflap · 28/08/2023 08:53

Absolutely no way would I tolerate this, you must say No. It won't be 'catastrophic' to say no to hosting an lazy, manipulative, charmless oaf in your home. You can easily use last year's scene as a reason. And the fact you hate him.

Your family does not deserve to suffer because SIL cannot set proper boundaries. He is not your responsibility. If you are not hosting, decline the invitation where he will be present. See your family on boxing or Christmas Eve. What about BIL's family, can he not take the DC to his family for Christmas?

Velvian · 28/08/2023 08:55

I would suggest a family meeting (for want of a better description!) with PIL and SIL. Say some of what you've said in your OP.

Say out loud that in the case of their divorce, it is not possible for it to work out like PIL's divorce. Ex BIL is abusive, controlling and does not make any contribution to the family event. He is passed off when he is included, so he may as well be passed off and excluded.

The best way that you can all supports SIL and her DC is breaking the dominance Ex BIL has over all events.

Original poster

SavBlancTonight · 28/08/2023 08:57

Dh would like to exclude him too. But a) doesn't want to not see his family and.b) doesn't want to make SIL's life harder.

I do love the "harbinger of doom" reference. Very accurate.

The idea re brunch then ours actually MIGHT be an option. Sil is not oblivious to the issue, she's just stuck in a difficult situation. So that could be a good compromise.

But then, this is the man who a few months past break up, after he had physically threatened her and had been endlessly having a go at her because she dared to buy a car he didn't approve of, sent dh a stream of abusive messages when he wasn't invited to our house for a casual weeknighy pizza supper for dh's birthday. To this day he is still LIVID about this, mostly blaming me. But the really weird bit is that the rest of the family are still not sure it was the right decision to exclude him.

OP posts:

LlynTegid · 28/08/2023 09:00

Even if it means spending Christmas in your house with no guests, you should say no. SIL can I am sure explain her children not seeing you at Christmas in a neutral way if they are too young to be told how abusive/controlling ex BiL is. Perhaps depending on distance you can visit SIL and children at another time over the Christmas holidays.

Bonbon21 · 28/08/2023 09:04

I dont see that this will be so difficult or so unexpected really as you have already set the precedent by not inviting him to your husband birthday pizza supper.
Surely everyone knows about the fallout to that and can appreciate his behaviour has been out of order since.
I wouldnt have him under my roof for the sake of MY children getting mixed messages about bad relationships. I certaimly would not tolerate verbal abuse from this waste of space.

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