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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

434 replies

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:16

I have a DSD. We previously had her 2-3 nights a week in general. Sometimes it was more and sometimes less.

Her Mum has decided to retrain in a different career and this has meant late nights and early starts so we now have DSD more like 4-5 nights a week.

DSD has her own room with us and has friends round and we take her to all her hobbies and clubs etc.

DH pays for half her uniform and we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc.

DH has approached DSD mum and suggested that maintenance shouldn't be paid anymore. He's happy to go half's on anything she needs as well as continue to buy her things but really monthly maintenance is no longer appropriate.

DSD mum doesn't agree and is really shocked he has suggested this as we are a 2 income household and she will really struggle without it.

DH has suggested paying a lesser amount for now as a transition period which I think is really reasonable. DSD mum is really unhappy about it and can't even believe its been suggested.

My PILs also think DH is unreasonable and should continue to pay.

Am I going mad? Maintenance isn't appropriate in these circumstances is it? Or are we wrong?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/08/2023 16:11

if the mum continues to expect maintenance she’s taking from her child twice. Once the payment to her, and second the amount she should be paying for the child.

Excellent point.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:12

Stopping maintenance will probably lead to you spending more on the child.
It is perfectly normal if you are poor to not pay for lots of after school activities, to only have basic clothes and electronics for your children. So be aware she may simply not be able to pay half of what you would want to give this child.
I am not saying you should pay maintenance, I would be surprised if you did. Just be aware there are some complexities around the situation

LifeIsShambolic · 27/08/2023 16:12

babyproblems · 27/08/2023 15:46

I also think you should ask CMS and officially decide who is the primary carer.
I always feel there is an underlying note of cruelty in these posts - it’s their child fgs. He should be happy to pay and also ensure her mum is not some run ragged woman which I suspect she is. There’s always an element of keeping the single parent in a tough place which I think is horrible. You said you can afford to pay - I personally think you should just continue paying it. If you are primary carers officially then you could rethink it but her mum clearly needs more support.

In what way are they being cruel?
The child is living with them, they pay for clothing, footwear, electronics etc. They do pick ups/drop offs.....almost as if they are the resident parents and the mother is the NRP no? Isn't it normally the NRP (usually dad) that pays maintenance?
Honestly the double standards on here sometimes are mind blowing. Mum will have to do what other adults do and live within her means or put the training on hold until her daughter is older.
The father of her child is not an income stream to allow her to live a certain lifestyle, now the child is with the father the majority of the time the money can be spent directly supporting her.
The OP has already said they intend to let the mother continue to claim child benefit which I think is more than generous considering they will now have to pay the majority of the costs associated with dsd.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:14

@FloydPepper only one parent receives child benefit. This should legally be the resident parent.

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 16:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

drpet49 · 27/08/2023 16:15

StrawberryLemonade2 · 27/08/2023 13:20

If you're having her 4-5 nights a week then you've got her more often, so the maintenance should stop and in theory, you could claim it against the mum.

This

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 16:16

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:12

Stopping maintenance will probably lead to you spending more on the child.
It is perfectly normal if you are poor to not pay for lots of after school activities, to only have basic clothes and electronics for your children. So be aware she may simply not be able to pay half of what you would want to give this child.
I am not saying you should pay maintenance, I would be surprised if you did. Just be aware there are some complexities around the situation

The thing is if OP and her DH are financially stretched their other children might not have all this either. Actually it would be really odd to have DSD practically living there, getting all of these extra benefits at the expense of her siblings.

Of course this is speculation but OP has said they have to be fair toe everyone... including their other children so I suspect there's a bit of an imbalance already. Would it be 'morally' ok for the other kids to go without to fund non-essentials for DSD? If the entire family has had to cut back, that includes her, as part of it.

MeridianB · 27/08/2023 16:17

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/08/2023 16:11

if the mum continues to expect maintenance she’s taking from her child twice. Once the payment to her, and second the amount she should be paying for the child.

Excellent point.

This is true. Plus OP and her DH still have to cover the costs of having DD with them.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 27/08/2023 16:17

Did she compromise her career to enable your husband's earning power?

If so, then it is right he supports whilst she retrains. He has benefited from her raising his daughter until now.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 16:18

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 27/08/2023 16:17

Did she compromise her career to enable your husband's earning power?

If so, then it is right he supports whilst she retrains. He has benefited from her raising his daughter until now.

Another one who cant' RTFT!. chrissakes

MeridianB · 27/08/2023 16:18

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 27/08/2023 16:17

Did she compromise her career to enable your husband's earning power?

If so, then it is right he supports whilst she retrains. He has benefited from her raising his daughter until now.

OP says this is not the case.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 27/08/2023 16:18

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 27/08/2023 16:17

Did she compromise her career to enable your husband's earning power?

If so, then it is right he supports whilst she retrains. He has benefited from her raising his daughter until now.

No. She's always worked full-time and it was OP and her DH who changed their hours to do pick ups and drop offs for the little girl.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:19

@LifeIsShambolic they pay half the cost of items like school uniform. It is a shared cost.
I agree they need to decide legally who is the primary carer.
From what the OP says her DP clearly is. So I wonder why OP and her DP are acting as if it is unclear.
OP are you and your DP resisting being primary carers? Or is this posted simply to claim MN is sexist against men?
Because it is a very odd situation

LifeIsShambolic · 27/08/2023 16:19

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 27/08/2023 16:17

Did she compromise her career to enable your husband's earning power?

If so, then it is right he supports whilst she retrains. He has benefited from her raising his daughter until now.

Read the flipping thread.....the mental gymnastics some people will do to make the father the 'bad guy' and beholden to the mother for life are astounding sometimes!

FloydPepper · 27/08/2023 16:19

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:14

@FloydPepper only one parent receives child benefit. This should legally be the resident parent.

Agreed. In this case, the father

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 16:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 16:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

If she doesn't want to do that then OP and her DH will probably just have to stick to their original plan and stop paying.
But logically.. let's says DSD activities cost £100 a month with each parent paying half. Cutting that by £50 means that an expense is reduced so why should OP's DH continue to pay?

As they have her so much and she seems to want for nothing they definitely have an idea of what they could cut back on with naturally reduces the amount needed and can go towards utility bills/food/whatever.

Original poster
Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 16:22

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:19

@LifeIsShambolic they pay half the cost of items like school uniform. It is a shared cost.
I agree they need to decide legally who is the primary carer.
From what the OP says her DP clearly is. So I wonder why OP and her DP are acting as if it is unclear.
OP are you and your DP resisting being primary carers? Or is this posted simply to claim MN is sexist against men?
Because it is a very odd situation

I'm not sure how it's odd. I know we're the primary carers and we are certainly not resisting. DSD can live here full time permanently if she wants.

However even though it is legally clear that maintenance should just stop etc, most of the time life isn't that black and white.

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 27/08/2023 16:24

"I have to say my mind is absolutely blown by the double standards shown in some of these posts. The father has the child the majority of nights, why on earth would be paying the mother, the money should be going on the child? There is no way on earth anyone would say that a mother who has a child 4/5 mights should pay maintenance to the NRP, even if her household had more money. It’s bonkers.

👏 couldn't agree more. I'm astounded at the double standards."

Perhaps it's because it's usually the mother whose career is affected by having children?

FloydPepper · 27/08/2023 16:24

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 16:22

I'm not sure how it's odd. I know we're the primary carers and we are certainly not resisting. DSD can live here full time permanently if she wants.

However even though it is legally clear that maintenance should just stop etc, most of the time life isn't that black and white.

Show quote history

I do wonder if you’re only reluctant to progress being the RP, getting the child benefit and claiming cms is that society conditions us to believe it’s the mothers role and that a father as RP is somehow odd.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:26

It is an odd situation because legally you are all acting as if the DCs mum is primary carer. She gets child benefit, UC and maintenance.
Personally I would change everything so this all lined up with your DP being the primary carer. And if you and DP want to give his ex money regularly or as a lump sum, then just do that. It's not unusual to gift money to relatives to help them out.

Offyoupoplove · 27/08/2023 16:36

In my experience it’s very rare even with 50-50 time spent with daddy that the father is actually meeting 50% of their needs. Unless they really are, they should pay maintenance in my view.

Who books the dentist? Who schedules a repeat prescription? Who books the hobbies or makes sure they have the right kit? Who knows when it’s parents evening? Who knows what reading level their child is on and what sounds they are working on? Who know’s their best friends names and what they should buy them for their birthday?

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:38

Which is why I asked if OP and her DP were resisting being the primary parent. It means basically doing everything and the DC only going to mum for contact.

GrannyGoggins · 27/08/2023 16:39

Offyoupoplove · 27/08/2023 16:36

In my experience it’s very rare even with 50-50 time spent with daddy that the father is actually meeting 50% of their needs. Unless they really are, they should pay maintenance in my view.

Who books the dentist? Who schedules a repeat prescription? Who books the hobbies or makes sure they have the right kit? Who knows when it’s parents evening? Who knows what reading level their child is on and what sounds they are working on? Who know’s their best friends names and what they should buy them for their birthday?

My DH has his son about 40% of the time and he does all that you have listed. Some fathers are very involved in their child's life despite not being the RP.

FloydPepper · 27/08/2023 16:39

Offyoupoplove · 27/08/2023 16:36

In my experience it’s very rare even with 50-50 time spent with daddy that the father is actually meeting 50% of their needs. Unless they really are, they should pay maintenance in my view.

Who books the dentist? Who schedules a repeat prescription? Who books the hobbies or makes sure they have the right kit? Who knows when it’s parents evening? Who knows what reading level their child is on and what sounds they are working on? Who know’s their best friends names and what they should buy them for their birthday?

Brilliant

so now, if the resident parent is a dad, they they’re probably not doing it right so should pay the non resident parent money!

some posters seem determined that a father can never be the main parent