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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

434 replies

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:16

I have a DSD. We previously had her 2-3 nights a week in general. Sometimes it was more and sometimes less.

Her Mum has decided to retrain in a different career and this has meant late nights and early starts so we now have DSD more like 4-5 nights a week.

DSD has her own room with us and has friends round and we take her to all her hobbies and clubs etc.

DH pays for half her uniform and we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc.

DH has approached DSD mum and suggested that maintenance shouldn't be paid anymore. He's happy to go half's on anything she needs as well as continue to buy her things but really monthly maintenance is no longer appropriate.

DSD mum doesn't agree and is really shocked he has suggested this as we are a 2 income household and she will really struggle without it.

DH has suggested paying a lesser amount for now as a transition period which I think is really reasonable. DSD mum is really unhappy about it and can't even believe its been suggested.

My PILs also think DH is unreasonable and should continue to pay.

Am I going mad? Maintenance isn't appropriate in these circumstances is it? Or are we wrong?

OP posts:
asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:44

@FloydPepper why do you think OP and her DP are behaving the way they are? From everything the OP says her DP is clearly the primary parent, and yet financially they are not acting that way.
It is very odd behaviour. No wonder people are casting around for scenarios that would explain it.

Insommmmnia · 27/08/2023 16:46

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:44

@FloydPepper why do you think OP and her DP are behaving the way they are? From everything the OP says her DP is clearly the primary parent, and yet financially they are not acting that way.
It is very odd behaviour. No wonder people are casting around for scenarios that would explain it.

Well given the ex thinks they are being mean, her DHs parents think they are being mean and at least 1/4 of the posters think she is mean and petty I would imagine they are not financially acting that way because enough people are telling them that the DH is responsible for supporting his ex financially regardless of where the child lives

FloydPepper · 27/08/2023 16:50

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:44

@FloydPepper why do you think OP and her DP are behaving the way they are? From everything the OP says her DP is clearly the primary parent, and yet financially they are not acting that way.
It is very odd behaviour. No wonder people are casting around for scenarios that would explain it.

I’ve hypothesised why

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:51

But that does not ring true. In real life people would be telling OP and her DP to act in all ways, including financially as primary parent. If it's true that they are not, that suggests more going on than OP has admitted.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 16:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:53

Generally in real life people are very supportive of dads who are primary carers. In this situation they tend to criticise the mother for not being the primary cater and praise the father.

Original poster
Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 16:53

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:51

But that does not ring true. In real life people would be telling OP and her DP to act in all ways, including financially as primary parent. If it's true that they are not, that suggests more going on than OP has admitted.

You can believe what you want. I haven't omitted anything and the reason we're 'behaving' the way we are is because if we suddenly stop maintenance, claim child benefit and claim maintence off DSD's mum she would be financially crippled. If you think that's odd behaviour then fine.

OP posts:
asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:54

@Milkkbottles well done for your comment. I think the chance to post that type of comment is the whole point of the thread.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 16:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

GrannyGoggins · 27/08/2023 16:55

@Tiamaria86 You sound like a very caring and kind person which is admirable. Crippled in what sense? Are we talking not being able to afford food etc?

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 16:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:56

@Tiamaria86 but you can as I said act financially as primary parent, and if you wish gift her money to help out. I understand not everyone hates their ex and some of us would still want to help out. So why not just do that?

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 16:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 16:58

@Milkkbottles behave yourself. How can you read MN and claim people think mums can do no wrong. If the mother in this situation posted on MN she would be heavily criticised for not having her child with her more.

Original poster
Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 16:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Yep you're not wrong.

I am just pointing out what the dilemma is as a pp seems to think I have some weird agenda and I'm lying.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 27/08/2023 17:00

Why are your PILs chiming in on this, OP?

How do they even know about financial arrangements between your DH and the ex?

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:01

I understand not wanting to financially cripple exes. I gave ex his maintenance backin cash and some cash to pay for costs of taking our child out for the day. He was unemployed for a bit, a decent man, and struggling to cope financially.
But they were gifts that I controlled. I did not act financially as if I was not the primary parent.
And yes I do think it is idd behaviour

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 17:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:04

@Milkkbottles then you are reading a very different MN to me.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 17:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

BungleandGeorge · 27/08/2023 17:08

How long have you been having her the extra nights? I think csa calculations use quite a long time period so she would be entitled to a reducing rate and it would be based on average nights including school holidays etc. if she needs the money perhaps she’ll just reduce the number of nights down again as a 12 year old would be fine with early start/ late finish shifts and possibly grandparents will help
out if they think it’s unfair

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 17:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

tiredmama23 · 27/08/2023 17:13

GrannyGoggins · 27/08/2023 15:11

Let's reverse this:

NRP father wants to retrain and further his career so he asks his ex (who has the kids most of the time) if he can stop his maintenance payments to her and she pay it him instead so he could afford to retrain even though he wouldn't be having the kids much.

There is no way anyone on here would agree to the above.

Exactly this. You can imagine the outrage!

Embarrassingparent · 27/08/2023 17:14

If you are now resident parents (4-5 nights a week) she owes you maintenance...

Thisismynewusername1 · 27/08/2023 17:15

Insommmmnia · 27/08/2023 16:46

Well given the ex thinks they are being mean, her DHs parents think they are being mean and at least 1/4 of the posters think she is mean and petty I would imagine they are not financially acting that way because enough people are telling them that the DH is responsible for supporting his ex financially regardless of where the child lives

Show quote history

Why is the man responsible for supporting the woman?

why doesn’t a mother have a financial responsibility for her child or her ex?