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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I taking it too far?

123 replies

losingmoreweight · 27/08/2023 13:05

I've name changed for this.

Just want some perspectives on this please.

I'm 5' 8" and before I began trying to lose weight I weighed 11 stone. I appreciate that with a BMI of 23.3 that didn't put me in the overweight category. However, it was a personal thing to me as I didn't feel that I looked "myself" after having a baby a couple years ago, so wanted to get back the "old me" (who was always a very slim and toned size 8). So I began trying to lose weight by eating in a calorie deficit and increasing protein, and weight training, with the support of a qualified PT and nutritionist. Fast forward to 8 weeks later and I am now 9 stone 12 with a BMI of 20.9. This is roughly where I was pre baby, give or take maybe 2-3lbs. I didnt weigh myself often pre baby but I think my weight was around the 9 stone 7 ish mark back then.

I've been saying to DH and family / friends that I want to lose just a little bit more to get back to pre baby size and weight- so only around 4-5lbs more to go. I've done the bulk of the hard work already by losing just over a stone in a couple months, so not far to go. DH however thinks I'm getting a bit obsessed with it and is asking me every day what my calorie intake was today etc, as he thinks it's too low (it's been set my a nutritionist, so it's not). He says I'm taking it too far and am fine where I'm at now. My argument is that, I weighed less than this pre baby and no one looked at me and said "gosh you're thin, you need to put weight on". I was just a normal weight. So if I get back to that, what's the issue? Others (family members and friends) have also made similar comments to the effect "surely there's not much less to lose? You'll disappear" etc.

AIBU to want to get fully back to my pre baby weight and shape and not just stop here? If I reach my goal of 9 stone 7 my BMI will be 20.1 which is still firmly in the healthy range. So I don't understand the comments I'm getting. It's really demotivating when I actually need support to get where I want to be, as this will make me feel so much better in myself.

Any thoughts? AIBU??

OP posts:
BasicDad · 27/08/2023 15:25

It's ridiculous that people get annoyed if you want to track your calories and macros, and it's probably more from a place of insecurity than anything else.

You're not hurting anyone else with your goals for your own body.

You're doing it assisted by a PT with your diet on point for losing fat while maintaining muscle mass.

It all sounds healthy. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get lean healthily.

Spanne · 27/08/2023 15:28

I think the last 5-10lbs can be the difference between relaxing a little and enjoying time spent with friends and family and letting weight loss take over your life

dikwad · 27/08/2023 15:31

OP, to answer your question no it is not unreasonable of you to drop a bit more weight if that's what you want. I've lost 4 stone-ish since may doing exactly the same. I get the comments too. I just ignore them.

MassiveOvaryaction · 27/08/2023 15:31

Interesting you didn't respond to my last question.

If you read your posts as a dispassionate observer would you honestly think there was no hint of obsessive behaviour?

MrsB2603 · 27/08/2023 15:36

MassiveOvaryaction · 27/08/2023 15:31

Interesting you didn't respond to my last question.

If you read your posts as a dispassionate observer would you honestly think there was no hint of obsessive behaviour?

Maybe no one else she’s with is trying to lose weight at the minute?

Original poster
losingmoreweight · 27/08/2023 15:36

MassiveOvaryaction · 27/08/2023 15:31

Interesting you didn't respond to my last question.

If you read your posts as a dispassionate observer would you honestly think there was no hint of obsessive behaviour?

Well most of your comments were hyperbolic or made up. So I didn't respond to your question of whether anyone else I'm with is doing those things, because I'm not even doing those things. Certainly not in the skewed way you've presented it there, anyway.

OP posts:
TGGreen · 27/08/2023 15:36

If you're asking for the calories and insisting on logging them immediately in front of others, I'd be concerned if I was your DH. I say that as someone with a BMI of 16 through illness, so I get those comments constantly.

Original poster
losingmoreweight · 27/08/2023 15:41

I'm not sure I understand why logging calories in the presence of others is so unacceptable? Im not making an "announcement" about it, at times I will scan barcodes on packaging as that's usually the quickest way to log what I'm eating, but again I don't announce this in any way. If people ask me what I'll tell them; as I don't see my weight loss as something I should seek to hide from others as though it's taboo or shameful? I don't understand that mentality at all. I log with and without others around, without thinking as it's become so second nature. But I don't do it in a "performative" way and I certainly don't ever make comment on what anyone else is eating, or anything rude like that. So why on earth does it matter so much if I log what I'm eating around others? Confused

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/08/2023 15:41

losingmoreweight · 27/08/2023 14:32

Also if you're eating out with others and calories aren't on the menu, you need to ask for the calories. So obviously that will make others aware, as they can hear me ask and are then curious etc. Using words like "performance" is just silly, I am in no way making an announcement about it. It's just a part of my life that others are naturally aware of.

But if you have to record like that maybe avoid meals out till you're where you want to be?

Personally I think you're on the edge of taking it too far.

(You did ask...)

Uglyducklingswan · 27/08/2023 15:43

Ignore everyone, don’t discuss it with them. What you’re doing is perfectly reasonable and personal to you. I had the same experience when I lost my baby weight. MIL and DM kept telling me I was getting too thin when I was still a size 14! I realise that was their problem and I knew what was right for me.

well done by the way! It isn’t easy.

bladebladebla1 · 27/08/2023 15:43

roarrfeckingroar · 27/08/2023 14:41

It sounds performative when you're asking the waiter. Just make an educated guess or don't eat out.

Ffs you really can't do that if you want to do it right. They might use loads of butter or whatever. Stop being argumentative for the sake of it

Original poster
losingmoreweight · 27/08/2023 15:44

It's also interesting how hyper focussed on the logging of calories this discussion has become. When my AIBU was actually whether I was unreasonable to want to lose more weight than I've lost, not whether I'm unreasonable to log calories as part of that.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/08/2023 15:45

losingmoreweight · 27/08/2023 15:41

I'm not sure I understand why logging calories in the presence of others is so unacceptable? Im not making an "announcement" about it, at times I will scan barcodes on packaging as that's usually the quickest way to log what I'm eating, but again I don't announce this in any way. If people ask me what I'll tell them; as I don't see my weight loss as something I should seek to hide from others as though it's taboo or shameful? I don't understand that mentality at all. I log with and without others around, without thinking as it's become so second nature. But I don't do it in a "performative" way and I certainly don't ever make comment on what anyone else is eating, or anything rude like that. So why on earth does it matter so much if I log what I'm eating around others? Confused

Because people want to just go out and enjoy what they're eating. They don't want to think about the calories or fat content.

Either choose and enjoy or don't go!

I have similar with a friend - she has a very small appetite now and it's murder trying to find something she can eat. I love her company but it might have to be just for coffee not dinner from now on.

supersonicginandtonic · 27/08/2023 15:45

You sound really annoying about it all to be honest. I'd be annoyed wit you too.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 27/08/2023 15:48

losingmoreweight · 27/08/2023 14:40

Haha "making an announcement" to say to the waiter "please could you tell me the calories in x or y?" 😂 ok then. If I had a megaphone, you'd have a point. How ridiculous.

I think getting this defensive about your habits is an indication that your friends and family may be correct here - you have asked people's opinions but you aren't listening with an open mind .

Original poster
losingmoreweight · 27/08/2023 15:48

Just to add, I log the calories party for my PT as he sees them and gives me feedback on my macros and where I can increase / decrease in different areas, etc. I find that feedback really informative and useful.

OP posts:
KajsaKavat · 27/08/2023 15:48

some men would see you bettering yourself as a threat… you might realise he isn’t in great shape and look elsewhere. That sort of thing.
when my sister lost weight her bf at the time was very negative the whole way. I’m the end she did leave him.

as someone who got back to pre baby weight and got very very fit (abs and all) I recognise that people felt uneasy about this and really only the other mums who were for were supportive, the rest were (jealous?) not.

I would ignore them as long as you are still healthy and food and eating isn’t the only thing you think about.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 27/08/2023 15:50

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/08/2023 14:50

Are n’t restaurants and takeaways required to mark calories in menus now? Or have I made that up?

Only if they are chain restaurants - a restaurant which is a personal business wouldn't have to.

Original poster
losingmoreweight · 27/08/2023 15:56

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea

I've listened to comments. I was correcting that poster's ridiculous hyperbole about making an "announcement", and I stand by that. It's ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
losingmoreweight · 27/08/2023 15:57

Because people want to just go out and enjoy what they're eating. They don't want to think about the calories or fat content.

Eh? They don't have to! Its just me who does 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
losingmoreweight · 27/08/2023 15:58

Uglyducklingswan · 27/08/2023 15:43

Ignore everyone, don’t discuss it with them. What you’re doing is perfectly reasonable and personal to you. I had the same experience when I lost my baby weight. MIL and DM kept telling me I was getting too thin when I was still a size 14! I realise that was their problem and I knew what was right for me.

well done by the way! It isn’t easy.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Belles28 · 27/08/2023 16:00

@losingmoreweight in answer to your original question OP, YANBU to want to lose a touch more weight if you feel that's right for you & you're still in healthy range. The comments from family/friends etc come from love & natural concern but you've done fantastic & if you feel those extra 4-5lbs would make you happier then go for it. Well done!

willWillSmithsmith · 27/08/2023 16:00

As long as there’s no danger of you wanting to lose ‘just a couple’ more pounds after you’ve reached 9 stone 7, which I think is a nice weight for your height. By now though you should have stopped the calorie counting and just eyeball what you’re eating. Calorie counting can become a very unhealthy obsession.

TheAOEAztec · 27/08/2023 16:01

bladebladebla1 · 27/08/2023 15:43

Ffs you really can't do that if you want to do it right. They might use loads of butter or whatever. Stop being argumentative for the sake of it

Show quote history

You do realise the kutchen doesn't just suddenly sit down and calculatea it but gives a guesstimate based probably on quick google so... Same thing.

bladebladebla1 · 27/08/2023 16:02

@TheAOEAztec say what now?