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AIBU?

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Original poster

Marriage

103 replies

Mrsmcgeeh · 27/08/2023 05:16

I was single for a long time before meeting my partner. I have two DC and he has one. I currently earn 2.5 times his salary, and own my own home which I've reno'd split into two self contained flats and am renting out. I want my children to inherit this.

I also jointly own a rental property with my siblings. Myself and the children live with my grandmother who has dementia, so a familiar face (me) while she remembers us is with her all the time. She always told us not to put her in a nursing home and we promised. the children go to schools nearby and I work from home to stay with her, and she has carers through the week but not one full time, and sometimes she gets agitated because she doesn't recognise who they are. She is mortgage free, I pay bills.

My partner is renting a flat with his best friend and pays a lot with his ex for childcare for their under 5. I don't pay any childcare as my eldest is a teen and babysits my youngest should I need or my wider family help to care for my children as I am caring for our grandmother. I have savings, no debt except uni student loan. He has credit card debt.

Anyway my partner would like us to get married and move in together. He also wants another baby so we have one together. I'm not so sure. I do love him very much but not sure if it's practical financially to get married? Or am I being too harsh. He says I'm being too feircely independent. I'd love a wedding just the party but not the legal side. Is that a thing?!

OP posts:
N4ish · 27/08/2023 05:20

I wouldn’t get married in your position. There’s nothing wrong with being fiercely independent!

Brown888 · 27/08/2023 05:31

Wow. Your partner definitely has more to gain financially from the marriage. If you do get married then I would recommend a water tight legal protection for your assets - maybe you could put it into a trust for your children?

Alwaysdecorating · 27/08/2023 05:34

Honestly, from what you wrote I wouldn’t be getting married or moving in.

I also cared for a grandparent and I wouldn’t have moved them or moved someone in while they were suffering from dementia. It would have taken a long while for them to be ok with new people there all the time. And as dementia progresses, your relative will likely stop remembering people they see all the time it’s very distressing and very difficult. It’s draining and I would expect a partner to be able to deal with that well when they have no prior relationship with them. It could also be potentially distressing for your partners young child when they stay, as well as the relative.

When it come to finances, I absolutely wouldn’t get married. It’s a decision I made in my own life. I won’t be getting married. There’s no financial benefit to you but there is a Substantial risk. He would have financial gain and no financial risk.

I wouldn’t move in due to finances either. If he earns less and has more outgoings, how is he going pay towards bills? Or will these be split so you are taking on the vast majority of bills too? Again, lots of benefit to him. Little benefit to you.

personally, no, I would have another child either. Because that would mean living together. Between your older kids and caring for your relative, being the main wage earner etc I think bringing a baby into the mix would put far more pressure on you and (sadly) the job of caring for your relative will get harder. Not easier.

Reading your Op getting married, living together and having a baby (or even just 2 of those) isn’t a great proposition for you, your kids or your relative. Emotionally or financially.

ZekeZeke · 27/08/2023 05:36

What exactly would you gain by being married?
And the baby thing? He can't afford another baby. He can't provide for another baby.

Alwaysdecorating · 27/08/2023 05:37

Oh I am very independent too. Sometimes too much. I find it impossible to reach out and ask for help, for example.

But there’s nothing wrong with financially and emotionally independent. Take this example. You aren’t rushing into getting married because it’s romantic and you love him. Not being emotionally dependent on him is allowing you the time to really look into wether this is the right thing for you.

I suspect what he means is ‘you aren’t making me the centre of your world when making this decision’.

Alwaysdecorating · 27/08/2023 05:37

ZekeZeke · 27/08/2023 05:36

What exactly would you gain by being married?
And the baby thing? He can't afford another baby. He can't provide for another baby.

That’s an excellent point.

TeeBee · 27/08/2023 05:40

In a word 'no'. I wouldn't be getting married, I wouldn't be leaving my grandmother, I wouldn't be forcing my children to live with a 5-year old and then a baby that I wasn't sure I wanted in the first place. You have way too much to lose and little to gain.

ZekeZeke · 27/08/2023 05:42

He says I'm being too feircely independent
that really struck a chord. How dare he!

Original poster
Mrsmcgeeh · 27/08/2023 05:46

Yes I wouldn't move my grandmother, it would be that I'd have to ask another relative to move in with her and I move out but that may not work either. She is used to us and she has her routines.

Thank you for the replies, yes I feel like if we divorce I lose financially. It sounds crazy talking about divorce when not married but I don't want my children to be disadvantaged because of this. He is very religious and goes to church every week which is fine but also why I think marriage is so important for him.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 27/08/2023 05:48

I'm not getting married for very similar reasons. If this is a dealbreaker for him, maybe you're not compatible. I wouldn't risk my children's' financial security for the prize of living with a bloke.

CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeMaybeATea · 27/08/2023 05:51

Why would you want to even start all over again with a baby?

I agree looking after a grandparent with dementia is going to be hard enough as the years progress, you would end up a shell of yourself doing that and potentially having 4 kids to look after!

and as pp put it, he can't afford(or only just afford) the child he's got!

don't be emotionally pressured into this.

A friend lost everything after, wanting a pre-nub. Her STBH emotionally bombarded her about not loving and trusting him for wanting one.(he had nothing to bring to the table apart from debt and his own DC(EOW) Less then 2 years married he had an affair and took her to the cleaners. she had to sell up and move into rented with her DC.

Don't.do.it.

HamishTheCamel · 27/08/2023 05:52

How long have you been together OP? It sounds like you've got a good setup for yourself and your kids, don't let him rush you into making any changes.

Do you actually want another child? To start again with a baby when your eldest is a teen isn't something I'd want personally.

Alwaysdecorating · 27/08/2023 05:55

Mrsmcgeeh · 27/08/2023 05:46

Yes I wouldn't move my grandmother, it would be that I'd have to ask another relative to move in with her and I move out but that may not work either. She is used to us and she has her routines.

Thank you for the replies, yes I feel like if we divorce I lose financially. It sounds crazy talking about divorce when not married but I don't want my children to be disadvantaged because of this. He is very religious and goes to church every week which is fine but also why I think marriage is so important for him.

How religious is he?

Are you sure he isn’t just religious when there’s benefit to him? Would he move in without marriage for example? Do you have sex?

Of course marriage is important to him. Because it benefits him hugely. He can’t afford the child he has but wants another?

If marriage is important due to religion, I assume he was married to the mother of his child and he didn’t want the divorce? But also he isn’t going to be happy with a party but no actual marriage.

Aprilx · 27/08/2023 06:05

I don’t really like the double standards on mumsnet with regard to you must get married for financial security but as soon as the women is in a better position, it is definitely don’t get married. But that said, it doesn’t sound like you want to get married, or have a baby, so don’t!

But no, you can’t have a “wedding party” and not bother with the actual wedding. That is not a thing

Hollyppp · 27/08/2023 06:07

Have a big 40th birthday party or something instead!

no I wouldn’t be getting married or having another baby until you’d spent a lot longer considering it and all the implications

JazzHandsYeah · 27/08/2023 06:08

Nope, I wouldn’t be getting married in your position either.
Me and DP have been happily not married for 24 years, (we jointly own a home & our DD’s are now in 6th form/Uni.) and I’ve never felt we were missing out on anything by not being married. Unless he’s religious, how would getting married benefit him, versus how would it benefit you? If his ‘pro’s’ list is longer than yours, don’t do it.

Whyohwhywyoming · 27/08/2023 06:11

Aprilx · 27/08/2023 06:05

I don’t really like the double standards on mumsnet with regard to you must get married for financial security but as soon as the women is in a better position, it is definitely don’t get married. But that said, it doesn’t sound like you want to get married, or have a baby, so don’t!

But no, you can’t have a “wedding party” and not bother with the actual wedding. That is not a thing

But that advice is given when the woman is taking a financial risk being the primary caregiver for shared children. Not just to gain access to a partner’s assets

Aprilx · 27/08/2023 06:13

Whyohwhywyoming · 27/08/2023 06:11

But that advice is given when the woman is taking a financial risk being the primary caregiver for shared children. Not just to gain access to a partner’s assets

Show quote history

No I have seen it hundreds of times. It is always the same. Women better off, don’t get married, man better off, you must get married.

CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeMaybeATea · 27/08/2023 06:16

the double standards thing, is more to do with women who don't have dc to begin with and quite often sacrifice there career/income to have DC whilst the man continues to progress in there career because the woman has taken on the most part looking after their dc.

Something that if the man was the sole parent, he wouldn't be able to do unless paying ££££ in childcare.

so for a new family it's right there should be financial protection.

I think blended families are trickier and are whole different ball game.

Alwaysdecorating · 27/08/2023 06:17

Aprilx · 27/08/2023 06:05

I don’t really like the double standards on mumsnet with regard to you must get married for financial security but as soon as the women is in a better position, it is definitely don’t get married. But that said, it doesn’t sound like you want to get married, or have a baby, so don’t!

But no, you can’t have a “wedding party” and not bother with the actual wedding. That is not a thing

I don’t really like that people don’t understand the difference and nuance of situations.

Women are advised to get married if they are going to have children and live with their partner in their partners house. Because having children overwhelming impacts a woman’s career and ability to earn or increase their earnings. It does not impact men in the same way.

Men are also far less likely to be a sahp. Women are far less likely to believe they need a sahp to progress their own career. Women rarely require a sahp to continue their own careers. Where as many men encourage and support their females partners being a sahp to ‘concentrate’ on their careers.

If Op wanted to live in with her Dp, have a child and wanted him to be a sahp, then I think marriage would be the right thing. He would deserve some financial security. Except he can’t just not work as he has another child he is financially responsible for. Quitting work would mean he would no longer be financially contributing to his own child. And who wants to be with that man? Who in their right mind would want a baby with a man who quits work to look after step kids and have a new baby and choosing to not contribute to his existing child?

Women are advised to marry because financially they will take a massive hit, where kids are involved.

However, in all honesty if a man posted that he was independently wealth and his female partner struggled to afford the child she had, lived in a flat share, wanted to live in with him, have another child and get married I would also be advising them not too as well. Especially if he wasn’t keen on having another child and was the carer for a relative with dementia, that he would have to leave

Alwaysdecorating · 27/08/2023 06:18

Aprilx · 27/08/2023 06:13

No I have seen it hundreds of times. It is always the same. Women better off, don’t get married, man better off, you must get married.

Show quote history

No, you haven’t seen where kids are not involved.

landbeforegrime · 27/08/2023 06:18

I'm not sure he'd want all this if you didn't have the stability and financial independence that you do have. Presumably he's factored in that his living situation would improve and you would be able to pull up the family finances so he would live more comfortably. But you will find more has to stretch further with extra people in the house. Will your children like living with him and another child, will his child? I would think they all prefer things as they are now and that alone is reason to say no thanks. How long have you been together? Is he rushing this? Get married and no prenup will protect anything with cast iron certainty for your children. If you divorce the starting point is 50/50 of everything. You could put the flats in their names pre marriage and give them a huge chunk of your savings. It probably helps with IHT if you do it all now. But I wouldn't get married if the assets for your children are exposed. Seen it go horribly wrong too many times.

Original poster
Mrsmcgeeh · 27/08/2023 06:20

We have been together for three years. No he has never been married before, so when we were discussing he said and I quote he "wants to do it right and have a baby with his wife". That's his dream and ideal.

I would consider a baby and starting again. I'd have the discussion and weigh it up with my grandmother's situation etc. but I'm not absolutely determined to have one.

Yes he has asked for us to move in before but it was very early in our relationship and I declined.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 27/08/2023 06:22

How long have you been together?

I don't really think any couple should get married until they have first lived together for a few years beforehand!
Would it be feasible to examine him moving into the current place for stability for your grandmother?
As for a baby do you want another child?

The deeply religious thing is a complete red herring if your having sex and he says he can't live with someone without marriage then he's picking and choosing which aspects.

It does sound like there maybe some fairly large questions to resolve way before a proposal.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 27/08/2023 06:24

The double standard thing is usually when dc are in the mix (or they are being planned) and the woman will be the primary carer, sahp or not.

In your case op id not get married, id also think v hard about another dc, do YOU want one? Can he afford another one? Who would be the primary carer, what would happen to your grandmother?

It's ok to move in if that's what you want, have a commitment ceremony, change your name by deed poll if thats what you want to do, but I'd not get married if it's not important to you.