Marriage

[Mrsmcgeeh]

I was single for a long time before meeting my partner. I have two DC and he has one. I currently earn 2.5 times his salary, and own my own home which I've reno'd split into two self contained flats and am renting out. I want my children to inherit this.

I also jointly own a rental property with my siblings. Myself and the children live with my grandmother who has dementia, so a familiar face (me) while she remembers us is with her all the time. She always told us not to put her in a nursing home and we promised. the children go to schools nearby and I work from home to stay with her, and she has carers through the week but not one full time, and sometimes she gets agitated because she doesn't recognise who they are. She is mortgage free, I pay bills.

My partner is renting a flat with his best friend and pays a lot with his ex for childcare for their under 5. I don't pay any childcare as my eldest is a teen and babysits my youngest should I need or my wider family help to care for my children as I am caring for our grandmother. I have savings, no debt except uni student loan. He has credit card debt.

Anyway my partner would like us to get married and move in together. He also wants another baby so we have one together. I'm not so sure. I do love him very much but not sure if it's practical financially to get married? Or am I being too harsh. He says I'm being too feircely independent. I'd love a wedding just the party but not the legal side. Is that a thing?!

But he wouldn’t be doing it right.

He can’t afford to support the child he has. Or just barely. How is bringing another child into the world that he can’t afford to contribute fairly to ‘doing it right’.

This is what I mean about religious when it suits. He wasn’t religious enough to have a baby and not be married. But now using his religion as the basis of why marriage is now so important to him. Coincidentally when there’s a huge financial benefit to him.

Did his ex earn a lot more than him and have a lot more in assets?

Hi OP

As the title suggests I’m in a lot of financial trouble and I’ve poasted here because there’s nowhere like this for men.

So I’ll talk about this from that perspective.

Though your wishes when you die “could” be protected by a will, it won’t protect you in a divorce. Plus, if your husband just tears up your will if you pass before he does and says there isn’t one then he gets the lot. No one knows any different, and you’re dead so can’t argue.

You've got a lot more than him, that includes children. And you haven’t said if you want anymore.

He may be genuinely into you and he may well want more children, but that isn’t the same as contractually binding your money to his which is what marriage does (and I know, I’m in my 3rd marriage)

By all means move him in, and by all means have more children.

But remember that the number one cause of divorce is marriage lol..

I’ve seen it done. Blokes from the gym, work through women one at a time marry them, clear them out and move on to the next.

good luck!

Thank you all, I'm going to raise with him the things raised here and think about a commitment ceremony. I'm not sure what his ex's financial situation is except that they find childcare fees a real strain on the two of them.

Marriage is a legal contract. Sounds like a bad idea for you and yours, and all to gain for him. I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole.

I wouldn't. If you really want to I would wait, then live with him for 5 years +, then consider it. I'd also look at what legal steps I could take (pre-nup, wills etc.) to protect my assets, knowing some of these may be of limited effect. I also wouldn't appreciate being told that I'm too fiercely independent. Seems patronising and paternalistic imo.

Call his bluff - explain you will be happy to do all those things, but it will mean you leaving your job to be a sahp and carer for your grandmother. He will have to financially support all of his brand new family - you, the kids, the new baby. See if he’s still as excited about it then 🤔. If he is, then you know it’s the real deal, just seek legal advice on your will first!

Again OP what exactly will YOU gain by marrying this man?

Then I suspect she isn’t a high earner OR has a lot in assets.

You really need to ask the question, why didn’t he marry her. But now is saying it’s important he has a wife, now he is with someone who would make his life financially easier…….even though it would make that potential wife’s life harder.

how much childcare is it costing? because if you've been with him for 3 years the dc are definitely over 3 more like 4 - 5 up? (or did he leave in the first year? and move straight on to you)

So if 4 + should be in school so looking at wrap around care which is significantly less then full time private nursery fees.

Of course you can! You can have your own commitment ceremony/ party but not get legally married.

I would not get married OP or have a baby.

As others said, you have nothing to gain and a lot to lose.

You have made the decisions you have for very sensible reasons and have built the financial security you wanted for yourself and your children. It is obvious this is important to you . These are clearly your core values. Don’t let him let him emotionally pressure you into undermining your own values and throwing all that security away.

Exactly. Women being advised to get married because ‘that way your entitled to half’

Leaving the points others have already raised aside, as a very first step, I would want to move together. Without living together for a good amount of time, I wouldn't consider marriage in any case.

For me the baby issue would be the hardest to resolve as there is no compromise. You either have a joint child or don’t and you don’t exactly sound keen. You need to talk through that and if he is desperate for a child and you aren’t then there is no point worrying about the money.

Assuming you do agree on that, I would see a solicitor for advice on the financial side. As others have said you could put the flats into a trust or find other ideas but if you are planning on staying with your DGM and don’t want a baby (and that’s perfectly ok, I don’t think I would want to start again if I had a teenager)

It also sounds like he is the one driving this relationship and whilst I can see his suggestions are in his best interests, I’m not sure they are in yours so make sure you take things at your speed and put yourself and your DC first

I only recommend that a woman should get married if she wants children with the man and it would protect her financially (as women are often the ones to go part-time etc). You obviously would not benefit in this situation. He can't be that religious if he's had a child out of wedlock. I'd leave the relationship before marrying him.

This. It's a tad suspicious that he didn't marry his ex but suddenly wants to marry someone with assets and a good wage. Plus the 'fiercely independent ' thing feels like a red flag, if you were to get married would he expect you to be less independent and hand over all financial decision making to him? There was a thread on here recently where the wife was the breadwinner and the husband took it upon himself to fire the cleaner without consultation her leaving her with more on top of a already heavy load.

What the fuck is wrong with being independent?

Are you sure he is right for you? The right man would respect that you have a full and self sufficient life.

And I agree, all very well offering babies when he is unlikely to pay much towards it. He should focus on clearing his debt and supporting the child he has.

Date him, have a commitment ceremony if you want a party, but you would be mad to compromise everything you've built by marrying him.

I wonder if he'd be rushing the alter if the shoe was on the other foot.

You have a great set up and a lot to lose if you get married. You could do a pre nup to protect yourself but personally I'd be wary of legally tying myself to a man who isn't financially stable.

Then there's the living situation presumably you can't move him in to your grandmothers so you would have to make alternate arrangements for her. Which would be massively disruptive for her.

Do you want another baby? It sounds like it would mainly be you providing for it how would you feel about that?

I can see why he would want to change his living arrangements but not sure why you would want to change yours?

No. You and your children have far too much to lose.

*and I would and have said that about men in the same position too.

Just saw he wants marriage because he's religious.

But has no issue with pre marital sex with you, and even having a child out of wedlock with his previous partner. So he wasn't in a rush to marry this other woman who has trouble paying childcare fees? Even though she was pregnant. But he's keen to marry you, a woman who owns three properties.

It sounds like he's picking and choosing his beliefs when it suits him.

No such thing as watertight. As for him wanting to get married..well I bet he does

I am the higher earner always have been, I'm married.

However I think it's different for both sexes when we're talking about marriage later in life or second marriages where people already have lots of financial and other responsibilities. I chose to throw my assets into the pot and if all had gone wrong the only person to lose would've been me (DH had a job and no debt, but didn't own property). We'd also already lived together for several years and didn't have a family to blend. You haven't lived together and blending children can be very difficult. Even with all the best will in the world. You also have additional care responsibilities on top.

Now I have to put DS first, so if something happened to DH I don't think I'd marry again.

Of course he wants to get married.
He's basically a grown man living like a student, no ambition, no savings, no property, and a pile of debt.

Does he have vices?

This is an excellent idea!
At the moment he is happy for you to do all the heavy lifting in theory. See how appealing it is to him when he has to financially support everyone.
Btw, he previously suggested moving in together ( he moving in with you?)
How early in the relationship was that suggested?
Is he very eager to get out of his flat share?

Also he wasn't fussy about being religious and 'doing it right this time round' when he wanted to move in with you in the early days.

sounds more like, he's throwing the marriage in there now to help sway you, so he can move in.

My view is that when you have DC still living at home then their needs come first. How would they feel about you having another baby and having your partner move in?

I would be focusing on that first. Your post is all about what he wants. Not even what you want. Just him