Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Marriage

103 replies

Mrsmcgeeh · 27/08/2023 05:16

I was single for a long time before meeting my partner. I have two DC and he has one. I currently earn 2.5 times his salary, and own my own home which I've reno'd split into two self contained flats and am renting out. I want my children to inherit this.

I also jointly own a rental property with my siblings. Myself and the children live with my grandmother who has dementia, so a familiar face (me) while she remembers us is with her all the time. She always told us not to put her in a nursing home and we promised. the children go to schools nearby and I work from home to stay with her, and she has carers through the week but not one full time, and sometimes she gets agitated because she doesn't recognise who they are. She is mortgage free, I pay bills.

My partner is renting a flat with his best friend and pays a lot with his ex for childcare for their under 5. I don't pay any childcare as my eldest is a teen and babysits my youngest should I need or my wider family help to care for my children as I am caring for our grandmother. I have savings, no debt except uni student loan. He has credit card debt.

Anyway my partner would like us to get married and move in together. He also wants another baby so we have one together. I'm not so sure. I do love him very much but not sure if it's practical financially to get married? Or am I being too harsh. He says I'm being too feircely independent. I'd love a wedding just the party but not the legal side. Is that a thing?!

OP posts:

MrsJamin · 27/08/2023 07:53

I think if you're using financial reasons not to marry then you can't really be ready to share your whole life with him, which is what marriage is. Your gut is saying "no"?

user1492757084 · 27/08/2023 07:54

Three questions ...
Are you happy with the arrangement as it stands now?
Do you want to marry or move in with a partner again?
Do you want another baby?

If you would prefer no live in partner and no baby then you need to break up with this man as he is looking for a wife and child.

If you want a live in partner, is this the man you want to live with - he wants a baby?

Would this man live with you without a baby?
Would he easily fit into your home with granny? He could live in part time and not change the arrangements he has in place for his 4 year old child.

Peony654 · 27/08/2023 07:56

I wouldn’t get married in your situation. And I’d really seriously consider whether another baby is right, especially if he’s struggling to provide child support for his other child. It doesn’t make your relationship less valid if you don’t have a child together. Focus on your existing children, and see how the relationship goes but no rush.

unsync · 27/08/2023 07:59

Nope. You have too much to lose. The comment about your independence and the fact he is religious are two big warning signs for me. Ask him his opinion on the patriarchy.

Whataretheodds · 27/08/2023 08:02

Why didn't he get married to his ex?
How much time does he spend with his existing child.
What is his vision for his financial contribution to a married life and baby with you? How does he think it's going to work?
You've promised not to put your mother in a home. What will be the care arrangements, and how will it be paid for? Will you continue to live with her? So would he move into your (your mother's) home? And then have the baby there?

You sound confused about whether you would want another baby or not.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 08:06

It really does read like he’s using religious justifications to move in, marry, and solidify his position with a baby. In the event of a split, a joint child prevents a clean break. It also provides a basis for a claim on your assets.

I imagine he would be very resistant to any suggestion that you put measures in place to protect your assets. Perhaps that is something you could suggest to him, and see what his reaction is.

Cadenza12 · 27/08/2023 08:13

I would think about getting some legal advice about the financial implications of marriage. I would imagine that you would like to secure the future of your existing children before making a commitment, especially bearing in mind the imbalance. This knowledge may help you decide what you want to do.

sodthesodoff · 27/08/2023 08:15

So he's religious. But not that religious he didn't go off and have kids out of wedlock. And not that religious that he wouldn't move in with you straight away in the relationship.

The cynic in me says he wants a baby to tie you to him.

The fact he wanted to move in so early on is such a red flag.

I'm not getting great vibes off this one. I also don't like how he used fiercely independent as an insult when you wouldn't say yes. I'd keep eye on his reactions to be honest as that'll be nearer the true him.

Cadenza12 · 27/08/2023 08:17

Why is having a child within wedlock so important now when it wasn't just a few years ago? That's one question I would be asking myself. You've been together 3 years and he has a preschooler with his ex so what has changed?

livinglifetothefull · 27/08/2023 08:20

The only thing you gain when married is a word that says husband and a piece of paper.
I really would not marry or even have a baby . You have a good life will it be the same after the wedding some men change after the word I do. Your choice but do really think about it.
How long have you been seeing him?

MagpiePi · 27/08/2023 08:23

The criticism of you being fiercely independent is a big red flag.
I suspect along with everything else, he wants a nice traditional wife who will cook and clean for him.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 27/08/2023 08:44

Cadenza12 · 27/08/2023 08:17

My thoughts also.

Newnamehiwhodis · 27/08/2023 08:46

Do not do it. Your gut here is correct. Do not let this man wreck your future and that of your children.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 27/08/2023 08:51

Do not get married, it offers many advantages to him and none to you. You will lost money in the event of a divorce.

FWIW I think it's also too soon to have a baby. Do you even want one? Again, most of the disadvantages will be bourne by you, not him.

Igmum · 27/08/2023 09:09

I too am worried that in this context fiercely independent = not wanting to subside him.

Can you blend families and live together without disrupting your grandmother? Do you/your kids want to do this? If you really want to take it to the next level then this might be an option but with him paying decent rent and contributing to bills. See if that works before marriage but personally I wouldn't. It isn't broke, don't try to fix it.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 27/08/2023 09:18

So, who will benefit and who will lose out from this marriage and child? Grandma? You? Children you already have? Him? Overall, it's out more damaging or more beneficial?

And pre-nup. If you decide to ignore all the good points on this thread.

Justleaveitblankthen · 27/08/2023 09:19

If he sees his children ROW he's paying CS. Only from what I have read on Mumsnet, won't his ex take your earnings into the calculations of how much he will pay? 🤔

Justleaveitblankthen · 27/08/2023 09:19

EOW No APP edit button yet

VaddaABeetch · 27/08/2023 09:28

I see no benefit of a marriage to you, your kids, your grandmother.

I see massive benefit to this man.

When did he become aware of your financial stability?

If somebody called me fiercely independent I’d say thanks.

FloweryName · 27/08/2023 09:34

There is nothing ‘fiercely independent’ about your situation, you have just done what made sense at the time.

You’re in a good position so no wonder he wants marriage and all the rest of it when his position isn’t quite so good.

If he genuinely wanted the best for you and your family then he wouldn’t want anything to change for you all right now. You would be crazy to marry anyone who has less than you financially. Not very romantic but it’s the reality when you already have children.

Alwaysdecorating · 27/08/2023 10:02

Justleaveitblankthen · 27/08/2023 09:19

If he sees his children ROW he's paying CS. Only from what I have read on Mumsnet, won't his ex take your earnings into the calculations of how much he will pay? 🤔

No. The non residents parents partners earnings are not taken into account for CMS

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 27/08/2023 10:30

Though your wishes when you die “could” be protected by a will, it won’t protect you in a divorce. Plus, if your husband just tears up your will if you pass before he does and says there isn’t one then he gets the lot. No one knows any different, and you’re dead so can’t argue.

This really isn't true unless you live in a dickens novel or rely on a diy will (not recommended) a legally binding will is held by the solicitors who draw it up and you should make sure your beneficiaries know where that is.

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/08/2023 10:33

In your position, this is a very bad deal. No way would I marry him, let alone bring another child into the mix when you already both have your own children. It's unfair to the existing kids, and a very bad deal for you.

BrawnWild · 27/08/2023 10:41

A few things jump out to me

What do you want? Your posts are all "he wants to move in/marry/have a baby"

It sounds horribly controlling in an almost subtle way to want to marry and impregnate you and like it's all about wanting to tie you to him rather than him wanting a baby..the baby sounds like a side effect of coercing a commitment out of you.

I don't think you have time in your life at the moment to accommodate what he wants from the relationship. And you dint have to. You have a choice. Just because a man puts an offer on the table, it doesn't mean you have to take it because you want to be nice and not offend.

He stands to gain a lot and is turning up the pressure and I'm not sure he is acting in good faith.

BrawnWild · 27/08/2023 10:45

To be crude, he sounds like he wants to consume you, to have you all to himself. A baby is his way to tie you to him and he sounds like he will push his and your other kids and grandma out and make your world smaller.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread