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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Inheritance worries

127 replies

MrsB2603 · 26/08/2023 20:18

I want to start by saying I realise this is more of a concern to my husband and siblings than it should be to me, they have voiced concerns privately but not to my father in law.

so….my father in law recently invited his girlfriend of 4 years to move in with him, to my husbands childhood home, his girlfriend is 25 years younger than him (he’s 68 and she’s 43, only a few years older than my husband and I) she has never been married or had children. My husbands siblings and him have started to express concerns amongst themselves about inheritance, they haven’t mentioned it in a while but it’s playing on my mind. The home they now share is one that my mother In law bought, decorated etc before she died, she raised her children there and I was very close to her once before she got ill. I do worry that all of that will go to my father In laws girlfriend one day and not my husband and his 2 siblings. We are Scottish and I know inheritance laws are slightly different than English ones. My father in laws friend supposedly told him once to never add his girlfriend to his will when he was drunk once, as it will take away money from their children. I think my husband and his siblings expressed this concern once or twice and then didn’t mention it again, it plays on my mind frequently though even though it’s not my battle to fight. AIBU for worrying and knowing it’ll be truly awkward if it ever gets brought up? One thing my husband did say is that he wants his dad to be happy but would express his concern if his dad ever wanted to re-marry. Has anyone been in this situation? Ps - we live very comfortably and have good jobs, we don’t need to rely on inheritance but my husbands mum worked hard on the home in question and he knows she wouldn’t want it to go to some younger woman instead of her children, that’s my husbands main concern, I just think I think about it a lot more than the family do and maybe I shouldn’t

OP posts:
MrsB2603 · 27/08/2023 09:41

SleepingStandingUp · 27/08/2023 09:37

You need a new hobby. There is no guarantee even if he produces a copy of the will leaving it all to your DH. He could live for another 20 years. That "younger woman" may be the one in her 50s/60s providing all the care whilst you all pop in for an hours visit. She could easily spend a decade of her life or more caring for him. Why should she be tired out on her ear so you can all fatten your already cushy bank accounts?

I have already stated we would never let that happen. My issue was her potentially having everything, not an equal portion of (which would be well deserved if she is his carer of course)

OP posts:
benfoldsfivefan · 27/08/2023 09:43

2jacqi · 26/08/2023 22:29

is there any chance your FIL could be persuaded to put your DH and his siblings on the title deeds? this would make it a lot easier and should also mean that house cannot be sold to pay for future care by DSS!

This could mean that the OP’s DH, his siblings and the father could get investigated for deprivation of assets if the father goes into a home. It’s unlikely, as most people don’t go into care homes. But still, this isn’t great advice.

PosterBoy · 27/08/2023 09:46

I'd suggest his children talk to him.

We are from a family where all this is openly discussed so it would be quite usual to discuss this kind of thing.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/08/2023 10:14

I'd stay out of this Op, if anyone talks to your FIL it should be his DC but I don't imagine it will go well. No matter how you phrase it, it still comes over as grabby. I hope your FIL lives a long and happy life with his GF

category12 · 27/08/2023 11:07

One thing my husband did say is that he wants his dad to be happy but would express his concern if his dad ever wanted to re-marry.

I also think this is pretty awful. We're happy that dad is happy, but only as long as our interests are protected - we don't want him to be so happy he remarries.

Butchyrestingface · 27/08/2023 11:14

if he wanted to spend it all tomorrow travelling the world we’d be happy for him

I hope he does just that, and takes the girlf with him. Then your concerns will become academic. Smile

Cosyblankets · 27/08/2023 11:50

The only reason they would express concern if he wanted to remarry is a financial reason

MrsB2603 · 27/08/2023 12:42

Butchyrestingface · 27/08/2023 11:14

if he wanted to spend it all tomorrow travelling the world we’d be happy for him

I hope he does just that, and takes the girlf with him. Then your concerns will become academic. Smile

If that’s what he wanted to do then great, I fully believe in people treating themselves after working hard all their days, and I would fully expect him to take her! Travelling alone doesn’t sound much fun!

OP posts:
FarEast · 27/08/2023 12:53

I understand totally @MrsB2603 although most posters will call you greedy and "grabby."

I've seen this happen in a friend's family - except that his father lived to 93. Up to 91 in excellent health (for his age) then needing care. Because he'd spent money on various girlfriends after his divorce, this man had very little money in the end and had to take up whatever council-supported care home place he could find (or rather my friend could find).

Whiskerson · 27/08/2023 13:26

FarEast · 27/08/2023 12:53

I understand totally @MrsB2603 although most posters will call you greedy and "grabby."

I've seen this happen in a friend's family - except that his father lived to 93. Up to 91 in excellent health (for his age) then needing care. Because he'd spent money on various girlfriends after his divorce, this man had very little money in the end and had to take up whatever council-supported care home place he could find (or rather my friend could find).

Right, but how are you going to stop a man in good health and presumably compos mentis from "spending money on various girlfriends" after getting divorced? Unwise as it may be, it is his money to spend and maybe he considered it well-spent. Are we going to say that after age 60, a person's money is to be considered the moral property of the next generation?

Also, I don't think the OP was concerned about him spending money on this woman in his lifetime (and it doesn't sound like he needs to). She's worried about the woman inheriting. That wouldn't even be a possibility if he frittered it away in his lifetime. Which, apparently, the OP is quite happy for him to do if he wants to go travelling... Just as long as his girlfriend doesn't end up with more than the grandchildren!

category12 · 27/08/2023 13:28

FarEast · 27/08/2023 12:53

I understand totally @MrsB2603 although most posters will call you greedy and "grabby."

I've seen this happen in a friend's family - except that his father lived to 93. Up to 91 in excellent health (for his age) then needing care. Because he'd spent money on various girlfriends after his divorce, this man had very little money in the end and had to take up whatever council-supported care home place he could find (or rather my friend could find).

This isn't "various girlfriends" - it's a longstanding girlfriend of FOUR years who he's now living with.

His house and his money are his, not the next generation's.

caringcarer · 27/08/2023 13:45

I thought in Scotland they had a law about 'the Bairns share' which means you can't disinherit your children.

MrsB2603 · 27/08/2023 15:27

Whiskerson · 27/08/2023 13:26

Right, but how are you going to stop a man in good health and presumably compos mentis from "spending money on various girlfriends" after getting divorced? Unwise as it may be, it is his money to spend and maybe he considered it well-spent. Are we going to say that after age 60, a person's money is to be considered the moral property of the next generation?

Also, I don't think the OP was concerned about him spending money on this woman in his lifetime (and it doesn't sound like he needs to). She's worried about the woman inheriting. That wouldn't even be a possibility if he frittered it away in his lifetime. Which, apparently, the OP is quite happy for him to do if he wants to go travelling... Just as long as his girlfriend doesn't end up with more than the grandchildren!

Edited

You’ve pretty much got it right, if he spent it all in his lifetime having fun after working for nearly 50 years then fabulous! What a great life lived, having none left for anyone is ok with me if he lives a fulfilled and long life post retirement. I want my husband his siblings and our children and nieces and nephews to have something left ALONGSIDE the gf if they’re still in a relationship come that time. I just wouldn’t think it would be right for her to have everything - that’s all, I don’t think I’m really the worst person for thinking that seems fair??

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/08/2023 15:54

MrsB2603 · 27/08/2023 15:27

You’ve pretty much got it right, if he spent it all in his lifetime having fun after working for nearly 50 years then fabulous! What a great life lived, having none left for anyone is ok with me if he lives a fulfilled and long life post retirement. I want my husband his siblings and our children and nieces and nephews to have something left ALONGSIDE the gf if they’re still in a relationship come that time. I just wouldn’t think it would be right for her to have everything - that’s all, I don’t think I’m really the worst person for thinking that seems fair??

It doesn't matter what you think is fair though, OP. It isn't your money to divvy up in the first place.

This is your FIL's decision. The chances are pretty high that he will consider his children and/or grandchildren in his will anyway, but you are wrong to feel that you are somehow entitled to it.

Whiskerson · 27/08/2023 15:55

MrsB2603 · 27/08/2023 15:27

You’ve pretty much got it right, if he spent it all in his lifetime having fun after working for nearly 50 years then fabulous! What a great life lived, having none left for anyone is ok with me if he lives a fulfilled and long life post retirement. I want my husband his siblings and our children and nieces and nephews to have something left ALONGSIDE the gf if they’re still in a relationship come that time. I just wouldn’t think it would be right for her to have everything - that’s all, I don’t think I’m really the worst person for thinking that seems fair??

I think the point is...

  1. Your FIL and MIL probably discussed this.
  1. Your FIL is presumably a man of normal intelligence who loves his family.
  1. He is only 68 and hopefully has a long life left in him.

Yet you are coming across like he's a vulnerable old man being targeted by Anna Nicole Smith. You are overstepping by seeing this as something for you to be worrying about. Yes, it would be nice if your kids inherit something and there is no reason to think that won't happen, but no good can come of (essentially) worrying about someone else's money as if you have any claim on it, because you don't. It's quite patronising and controlling towards your FIL. Again, how would you feel in his/his GF's position to know that the DIL was this focused on the likelihood of a potential inheritance (and the likelihood of the GF seeing through a hypothetical pregnancy, and so on)? For your own sake as much as anything... Let go of this worry.

MrsB2603 · 27/08/2023 16:12

Whiskerson · 27/08/2023 15:55

I think the point is...

  1. Your FIL and MIL probably discussed this.
  1. Your FIL is presumably a man of normal intelligence who loves his family.
  1. He is only 68 and hopefully has a long life left in him.

Yet you are coming across like he's a vulnerable old man being targeted by Anna Nicole Smith. You are overstepping by seeing this as something for you to be worrying about. Yes, it would be nice if your kids inherit something and there is no reason to think that won't happen, but no good can come of (essentially) worrying about someone else's money as if you have any claim on it, because you don't. It's quite patronising and controlling towards your FIL. Again, how would you feel in his/his GF's position to know that the DIL was this focused on the likelihood of a potential inheritance (and the likelihood of the GF seeing through a hypothetical pregnancy, and so on)? For your own sake as much as anything... Let go of this worry.

The pregnancy thing is literally never something that has crossed my mind, I only responded to other posters saying they could have a child together as she is young enough, and I have never once labelled her as gold digger, I know they’re together out of love, my FIL is comfortable enough but not rich by any means

OP posts:
ManchesterLu · 27/08/2023 16:34

Me and my partner have a similar (slightly less) age gap, and we've done it as tenants in common - with a clause in the will that whichever of us lives longest gets to live in the house, but it passes to our beneficiaries after the second of us dies.

This protects their inheritance in the case of remarriage etc.

Whiskerson · 27/08/2023 17:08

MrsB2603 · 27/08/2023 16:12

The pregnancy thing is literally never something that has crossed my mind, I only responded to other posters saying they could have a child together as she is young enough, and I have never once labelled her as gold digger, I know they’re together out of love, my FIL is comfortable enough but not rich by any means

Point taken, I appreciate you didn't bring up the idea of pregnancy. But you know, he could have a second family - very unlikely, but it would be his right to do so. It's not his responsibility to live in a way that keeps "the inheritance" intact.

moomoosaka · 27/08/2023 17:14

If she becomes his wife then why shouldn't it all go to her when he dies. He loves her and would want her to be safe.

towriteyoumustlive · 27/08/2023 17:16

YABU.

He is 68 and bagged a girl 25 years younger than him! His kids should be proud!! (or at least happy he has found someone that makes him happy).

If he was 86 then I'd say she might be hoping he dies of a heart attack soon, but at only 68 he has perhaps another 20+ years in him, so there is no way she would wait out 20 years just to get an inheritance pay out. It is more likely she has moved in because she likes him.

bluegreygreen · 27/08/2023 17:28

Inheritance is something that is passed on when a person dies.

Before that you are talking about a person's own possessions. It seems at least in poor taste for a daughter-in-law to try to dictate what a man in his sixties should do with his own money.

Brumbies · 27/08/2023 17:38

I do agree with you. It's incredibly distasteful

MabelFurball · 27/08/2023 17:51

You might not even be around yourself OP if you and your husband divorce, remarry etc.

MrsB2603 · 27/08/2023 18:55

towriteyoumustlive · 27/08/2023 17:16

YABU.

He is 68 and bagged a girl 25 years younger than him! His kids should be proud!! (or at least happy he has found someone that makes him happy).

If he was 86 then I'd say she might be hoping he dies of a heart attack soon, but at only 68 he has perhaps another 20+ years in him, so there is no way she would wait out 20 years just to get an inheritance pay out. It is more likely she has moved in because she likes him.

I think you’ve missed the point of the original post, I know they are 100% together out of love, I’ve literally never stated or alluded to otherwise

OP posts:
Zipps · 27/08/2023 19:05

Yabu, he's not even old! You'll be probably around his age before you get a penny if you're still married/alive.
I'm all for dc inheriting but this thread is really distasteful and it's not even your dad.

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