Inheritance worries

[MrsB2603]

I want to start by saying I realise this is more of a concern to my husband and siblings than it should be to me, they have voiced concerns privately but not to my father in law.

so….my father in law recently invited his girlfriend of 4 years to move in with him, to my husbands childhood home, his girlfriend is 25 years younger than him (he’s 68 and she’s 43, only a few years older than my husband and I) she has never been married or had children. My husbands siblings and him have started to express concerns amongst themselves about inheritance, they haven’t mentioned it in a while but it’s playing on my mind. The home they now share is one that my mother In law bought, decorated etc before she died, she raised her children there and I was very close to her once before she got ill. I do worry that all of that will go to my father In laws girlfriend one day and not my husband and his 2 siblings. We are Scottish and I know inheritance laws are slightly different than English ones. My father in laws friend supposedly told him once to never add his girlfriend to his will when he was drunk once, as it will take away money from their children. I think my husband and his siblings expressed this concern once or twice and then didn’t mention it again, it plays on my mind frequently though even though it’s not my battle to fight. AIBU for worrying and knowing it’ll be truly awkward if it ever gets brought up? One thing my husband did say is that he wants his dad to be happy but would express his concern if his dad ever wanted to re-marry. Has anyone been in this situation? Ps - we live very comfortably and have good jobs, we don’t need to rely on inheritance but my husbands mum worked hard on the home in question and he knows she wouldn’t want it to go to some younger woman instead of her children, that’s my husbands main concern, I just think I think about it a lot more than the family do and maybe I shouldn’t

It is immensely distasteful to be carving up someone elses assets and money based on what you think you are entitled to receive. Personally, if I thought my kids / their partners were doing this, I'd leave the entire lot to the dogs home. Dressing grabby-ness up in faux concern for the feelings of a person long dead, or describing it as a "childhood home" (it's a house, end of - it's not going to become a museum of their childhood, you are talking about selling it for money) doesn't make it any better.

You keep talking about "my husband's childhood home".

So it would be ok if he downsized, or sold up spent the money on traveling?

Also... If your DH has siblings, wouldn't they immediately sell up and divide the proceeds anyway? So it's not really about sentiment, is it? Of course it's nice to inherit a nice tidy sum, but it seems quite far removed from the image of your MIL decorating the house back in the day. Presumably she did that to create a nice home to live and raise a family in, like we all do when we pour our heart and money into a family home - she won't have been focusing on how much they would each get upon inheritance far into the future. Her objective was already achieved.

Four years is not new
I was widowed.
When i met someone else it was four years into the relationship that i married him. He was not my new boyfriend after 4 years

Your FIL is in a long term relationship with this woman. She has presumably made changes to her life/assets to move in with him. Assuming they stay together I don’t think it would be unreasonable for her to inherit their joint home or a life interest. Assuming FIL lives another 20 years, she would be in her 60s if he dies first.

Obviously your DH and siblings had an expectation of an inheritance once their dad dies but 68 is not that old. Of course their memories of their mum are bound up with the house, but surely it would be sold eventually.

I think they should appreciate this woman makes their dad happy and build a relationship rather than seeing her as a gold digging interloper.

Your FIL likely has 20+ more years.

And it may be that in due course your DH and his siblings are very happy that a woman who is younger with hopefully more energy and health will be there to care for him and save them the worry and work of supporting an elderly parent.

And it would be pretty bad if at that stage and herself in her late 60s she was chucked out and made homeless after maybe 30 years of relationship and 5 years as a carer.

Instead of side-eying the inheritance you and your DH and his siblings could focus on building a good relationship with FIL’s partner, making her part of the family, encouraging her to enjoy her partner’s children and grandchildren.

If she does then inherit she will be likely to pass it on to them all in her own will.

If your mil had wanted to ensure something went to her children she should have endorsed her will to say so 🤷‍♀️.

if your mil left everything to fil it is now his to do with as he pleases.

i have left my house and own assets to my kids, In trust for dh.

I don’t want it going to anyone else, so have made sure it won’t.

leaving everything to one person and expecting them to leave it to who you would have wanted is stupid. Naive at best.

No plotting. I’ve always said she is well liked and we would be happy to see her have a fair share should be around in 20 or so years (or whenever this situation becomes a reality)

Sorry, OP, but I think you're dressing this up as concern for what your MIL would have wanted because it's uncomfortable to acknowledge that you are actually concerned for your own potential "loss".

You don't actually know what MIL would have wanted. For all you know, she might have been keen for him to find another partner that he could be happy with and she would have expected him to make provision for that partner in any wills. But regardless, it is FIL's decision now.

It sounds like you and your DH don't actually need the money, so just be happy for your FIL that he has found someone who makes him happy. And be aware that everything might get swallowed up in care home fees in any case.

If you want your children to have an inheritance, you make provision for that based on what you and your husband 'comfortably' earn. It's not your FIL's job to provide for your children. (Would you ask him to bank roll them whilst he is alive?)

In terms of providing for his own children, maybe he views it that they are comfortable, with their own lives and incomes and therefore he doesn't need to provide for them. Maybe he would like his partner, who has helped him enjoy life again after the death of your MIL, to benefit. I don't know his motivations. Nor do you. It's his money. His choice.

If your MIL wanted her children to get something, she should have left it to them. It was HER choice and him choosing not to leave anything to their children was always a possibility. You don't get any say in it. Nor should you. I don't think you're being grabby but I do think you are being unreasonable to even think about the rights and wrongs of what someone else does with their money.

i hear what you are saying. I’d hate it had my husband’s new lady love inherited everything I had worked harder than him for which was meant for my children.

I don’t know if that’s unreasonable or not.
maybe if she looks after him in his declining years it’s different.

Then you make provision for them
It's the whole point of writing a will

My Scottish aunt made her will in the 1960s before she married. She left everything to her parents (our grandparents), but if they pre-deceased her it was to go to my siblings and me.
She never changed her will. She married, was then widowed and then married again.
When she died she was separated, but not divorced from husband number 2. He contested the will and got half under Scottish law. As none of us was expecting anything it was no skin off our noses, but clearly not what my aunt intended.

It is not the kid’s house
what anyone does with their assets is entirely up to them
you say you don’t need the money but are obsessing over it
greedy entitled

Right, but how would you feel in her shoes...

You have met a nice man, you have been with him four years and you two love each other. You do things together, have your routines, your jokes, your social events etc. He has adult kids who you see from time to time. But your relationship with him obviously does not revolve around them, as they are grown functioning adults.

Now...

His DIL, having given it lots of thought, thinks that it is OK if you eventually inherit what she considers a "fair share", but she doesn't think it's fair on your partner's late wife for you to inherit more.

Would you not just laugh and want to tell her to get a life?

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that would be my reaction in her shoes and if I could read your thoughts!

But what you think is not important

Thing is your MIL is no longer sadly alive .Therefore although you say she paid for and decorated the home, she isnt here now, and it has become solely your FIL house to do with as he pleases Im afraid .He is 68 not 88 ,so unless sick is likely to have a good 10/20 years left.This could be eaten up anyway, if he were to need a Nursing home for example in later years .I would try not to worry ATM, and enjoy spending time with him .

I would think that if anything changed ur fil would surely tell them. So I wouldn't be worrying about something that may or may not happen.

It's 4 years, I wouldn't expect him to have changed his will. Maybe in another 10yrs that might be a different story. Surely he would include her though and not leave everything to her and nothing to them.

My mil had the will set up that it was left to her 2 kids only. Despite being with her partner for over 20yrs. It was noted she wanted her partner to live in the house until he died but he didn't get anything. This was all made clear to the family.

This was changed though when she became terminally ill and he became her full time carer. She split everything 3 ways. I think it was a thank you for looking after her. Her 2 adult children were absolutely fine with this. Well they had to be it was done and was her wishes.

I think your real test is this: would you be genuinely happy if she were willing to sell y'all the childhood home at full market value? And, the other way around: would you feel okay if she paid out market value to you to stay in the house? If the answer to the first is "no" and/or to the second is "yes", I think it's not actually about the childhood home. It's about the money. Which is fine, many people would feel that way. But yeah, that's not yours to worry about or feel entitled to.

It is immensely distasteful to be carving up someone elses assets and money based on what you think you are entitled to receive. Personally, if I thought my kids / their partners were doing this, I'd leave the entire lot to the dogs home

Cone on, do you really think that adult children don’t ever think about this issue? It’s very common. Your own kids probably won’t ever discuss it with you but you can bet your last penny they won’t be hoping you leave your house to a dogs home.

You need a new hobby. There is no guarantee even if he produces a copy of the will leaving it all to your DH. He could live for another 20 years. That "younger woman" may be the one in her 50s/60s providing all the care whilst you all pop in for an hours visit. She could easily spend a decade of her life or more caring for him. Why should she be tired out on her ear so you can all fatten your already cushy bank accounts?

You keep talking about a 'fair share', but that's not how it works - the fair thing is actually for your FIL to do what he likes with his house and his money.

Your husband and his siblings are adults, no longer reliant on their parents, and aren't owed anything.

At 43 there's still time for her to have a child with him...

Thank you, I agree. It crosses peoples minds, a huge insult to not want your children or grandchildren have a portion in that situation

I’ve responded to this already as others have brought this up, she is dead against ever having kids, never wanted them, I don’t think she’d go through with a pregnancy to be honest should that happen unintentionally