Inheritance worries

[MrsB2603]

I want to start by saying I realise this is more of a concern to my husband and siblings than it should be to me, they have voiced concerns privately but not to my father in law.

so….my father in law recently invited his girlfriend of 4 years to move in with him, to my husbands childhood home, his girlfriend is 25 years younger than him (he’s 68 and she’s 43, only a few years older than my husband and I) she has never been married or had children. My husbands siblings and him have started to express concerns amongst themselves about inheritance, they haven’t mentioned it in a while but it’s playing on my mind. The home they now share is one that my mother In law bought, decorated etc before she died, she raised her children there and I was very close to her once before she got ill. I do worry that all of that will go to my father In laws girlfriend one day and not my husband and his 2 siblings. We are Scottish and I know inheritance laws are slightly different than English ones. My father in laws friend supposedly told him once to never add his girlfriend to his will when he was drunk once, as it will take away money from their children. I think my husband and his siblings expressed this concern once or twice and then didn’t mention it again, it plays on my mind frequently though even though it’s not my battle to fight. AIBU for worrying and knowing it’ll be truly awkward if it ever gets brought up? One thing my husband did say is that he wants his dad to be happy but would express his concern if his dad ever wanted to re-marry. Has anyone been in this situation? Ps - we live very comfortably and have good jobs, we don’t need to rely on inheritance but my husbands mum worked hard on the home in question and he knows she wouldn’t want it to go to some younger woman instead of her children, that’s my husbands main concern, I just think I think about it a lot more than the family do and maybe I shouldn’t

I know deep down you’re right, hence posting

Very common situation. It’s called the sideways disinheritance trap. Surviving spouse from first marriage remarries and leaves whole estate to second spouse - who leaves to their family, leaving the children from the first marriage with nothing.
I’d be worried too. You can only hope that FIL has taken proper legal advice re: estate planning. I’m assuming MILs share passed directly to FIL rather than being left in trust for the children. It’s why people should be more open about wills, estate planning and ensuring their wishes are legally binding rather than just hoping the surviving spouse will do the right thing.

I don't get all this angst over "the childhood home". Where I live it's quite rare for people to live in the same house forever, so the childhood home is usually long gone by the time a parent dies. It's only a house, and as for memories, well they are in your head, not in bricks and mortar.

Back to you OP. I'm sorry, but your FIL can leave the house to whoever he wants to. All these adults fretting over "their" inheritance, it's only your inheritance if your parents choose to leave it to you. If FIL leaves everything to his new girlfriend that is his business. Honestly, these inheritance threads make me angry. Your FIL is 68 for goodness sake, you may well have 20 or more years of "worrying" about this - just enjoy your own life and forget about who is getting what.

@MrsB2603 the laws in Scotland are different so I am not able to advise regarding wills etc. You have time to familiarise yourself with the law not just for wills, intestacy but also Power of Attorney for both health and wealth.

If your DH and his siblings have a good relationship with their Dad they should continue to keep in regular contact, try to get to know his new partner, make sure they are not excluded etc. After all she could be in his life, and their lives, for 20+ years.

What I can say is the things that can hurt the most are those that are of sentimental value e.g. jewellery and often these are also nominal value e.g. photos, pictures etc. When the first parent dies it is difficult to ask for these as they are also sentimental to the remaining parent. Over a period of time I would be asking my Dad for the odd momento, going through photos with him and taking a copy, asking for personal items still stored at his parents e.g. toys, books etc. Perhaps asking for a piece of Mum’s jewellery as a birthday present etc. I have some very cheap items that trigger childhood memories - no one would ever steal them but I smile every time I look at them. I take photos of photos so I have a copy etc.

I completely understand where you are coming from, but I think the only one who has answers will be your FIL unless one of the children helped with execution of your late MIL will to understand how it was structured. Obviously if and when a new partner moves in (depending on Scottish law) it would be wise to bring it up

I understand the mentality of its all passed to your FIL and should be to do with as he pleases but in a honesty when I pass I wouldn't want my half of an estate going to my husband's new wife and then to her family but rather my children and their children. After all I put my life into building it so my children should benefit. However that would only be 50% and I whilst I wouldn't like it it's fair for him to do whatever he wants with his 50%

If your mother in law wanted her children to inherit the home she invested time and money in she should've taken steps to ensure that was the case whilst still alive. There are ways to do this without having the surviving spouse left high and dry upon becoming a widow/er.
She didn't so the property is your father in laws to do with as he pleases. This is why my will splits my estate 3 ways as as much as I love my DH and he's a good dad I know how feckless he is at life admin and if I dropped dead tomorrow and he remarried I doubt he'd think to make a will that accommodated our 2 children.

People don't like to talk about inheritance, OP, but it's an important thing to talk about as you can end up with situations where someone's children are basically disinherited after their death because their spouse remarries, and money makes people do weird things. We all like to think our spouses would never do that, but people can do all sorts of things we would never imagine, especially when love/lust is involved and especially as they get older and things like early dementia and cognitive decline become a risk factor.

It's a lesson to us all to make sure our wills and affairs are set up in the way we want them to be and not trust in someone doing what we believe they will. If you want your children to inherit your share of your estate one day, then you need to put in place measures to ensure it.

In this case it's up to FIL, as MIL either didn't want to or didn't realise she could or that it would potentially be needed.

You have no idea what might happen in the future and whether there would be anything left to inherit.

My PILs, in their 90s, are both in a care home. This is diminishing their assets (savings and house) at the rate of £100,000 each year. There will be nothing left, but we are happy that they can be well looked after, and safe.

My friend's Dad was in a similar position to your FIL, he lost his wife and later married his younger housekeeper. But she looked after him every day of his life, at home, no need for any external care or support. He died in the home he loved (rather than a care home). My friend's brother was pissed off about some of the decisions in his dad's will, but he was NEVER going to be around and offer personal care to his Dad, or even visit more than once a month.

When your FIL gets very old and perhaps needs care, would your husband and his siblings be providing the care he needed? Would they pay for care to be brought in? Would they want him in a care home?

If your mother in law wanted her children to inherit the home she invested time and money in she should've taken steps to ensure that was the case whilst still alive

This. Anything else you say she ‘would have wanted’ is pure conjecture

Why shouldn't he leave his house to whoever he wants? I hope he leaves it to charity given how you're all sniffing around.

What's fair is what he wants to do with his money.

Agreed.

And why are you saying we

It’s nothing to do with you

What if she and your FIL have a long and happy relationship for the next 20-odd years and she cares for him in his declining years, will you still think she shouldn't get to stay in their shared home and shouldn't inherit from him? 🙄Boot her out in her sixties with a fuck you very much?

What your Dh's mum would have wanted is irrelevant - she's gone and not up-to -date with the situation.

Stop fretting over what might happen with a man's estate - none of you are entitled to it and as you've said you're all doing OK, it's kind of gross to be mentally planning out to have his money.

Absolutely this. OP, your dh and his siblings really just need to have a conversation with your fil. It may be something he has thought about and will let you know what he wants to do. It could be he says that should the relationship progress, he will leave a portion, or even all of his assets, to his GF. But if that’s the case, at least you can just stop thinking about it, because you will then know what his plans are instead of second guessing.

We have had a similar situation but my fil ended up divorcing his second wife..so there’s now far less inheritance (they married when retired and he brought all the money:properties)

I think people are being unfair when sesicribibg it as nothing to do with you. My husband and siblings felt they were pushed aside during the marriage and he did anything that the second wife wanted- including having a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ with her for the will regarding his children. That’s moot now that they’re divorcing, but her attitude during the divorce has clearly shown the concerns were valid.

It isn’t always about money, rather than showing priority and care for your children, which is a natural need for offspring.

I hope your situation ends a bit happier than ours!

With that age gap, she’s very likely to end up caring for him, possibly for a long time. Better that than care home fees.

They aren't married yet. She's moved in with him.
All the rest of it is speculation.
They might never marry. They might split up in 6 months when they realize they aren't compatible. They might marry and divorce. They might marry and live happily ever after until he dies aged 98 having been fit up to the last minute. He might become very unwell and need care and a lot of the inheritance is eaten up by care home fees.
Really it is far too soon to be worrying about inheritance. With inheritance I think you always have to assume you will get nothing and that if you were to get something (or DH because it's not your inheritance....) it's a bonus.

If your MIL had wanted to protect her children's inheritance she should have put steps in place while still alive. My parents split their property (is it tenants in common?), with each leaving their half to me (only child), and a life interest for the surviving spouse. That meant that should my Dad (who outlived my Mam) have wanted to marry someone else and leave his money to her, I had received something from my Mam. As it was he only outlived her by a few years and there was no sign of him marrying again, although there might possibly have been a girlfriend on the scene in the last year.

I think you should forget about it for now and should they get to the point of marrying, one of his sons could possibly bring up the subject with him. But at the end of the day it's his property to dispose of as he wishes when he dies.

That’s lovely, and a great idea

We are not “sniffing around” I have parents myself who are very much alive and well and I don’t think about my inheritance from them at all, this is purely out of concern that my late MIL probably (and yes I can only speculate but I believe this is a common wish from most people) would want her pension, home etc to go to her children and not a woman she’s never met, wouldn’t you want your home to go to your kids and grandkids one day??

This was part of my original post, I did say I think about this more than I should, just because I got on very well with my mother in law, that’s all, I think about what she would likely want

Unfortunately OP a person's will doesn't have to be fair or equal, no matter how much you might think it should be.

Your FIL is entitled to change his mind, and as your MIL is gone and he fully owns the house it's his to leave to whomever he wishes. There may not even be anything left, you never know what the future brings.

You need to leave this alone, or it will eat away at you - there's nothing you can do really, if you bring it up with him it will likely cause a rift between him and his children.

I wonder how you would feel in your later years if you knew a daughter in law was overly concerned with what you planned to do with your money?

i Do agree with you wholeheartedly to be honest, it really could be any one of those scenarios you laid out, and yes I realise it’s not my inheritance, the whole point of my post is that I am definitely giving it more thought than I should

A 68 is very young to be thinking about inheritance, I doubt a 43 Yr old married an elderly man so assume he's pretty much the same as any other adult if not fitter so expected to go beyond avg life expectancy of 84.
B Scotland you cannot disinherit your children even if you write in your will, not sure of percentage they are entitled to but it is law.
C she might accidentally get pregnant and think it's the menopause.

How come in this threads the partner moving in with or marrying the widow or widower seemingly never has any property or wealth themselves? No matter what age they are?

She sold her flat to move in with my father in law, it was a one bedroom but she’s still of course made money from it, I’ve never stated that she didn’t have money of her own, she has a job