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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance worries

127 replies

MrsB2603 · 26/08/2023 20:18

I want to start by saying I realise this is more of a concern to my husband and siblings than it should be to me, they have voiced concerns privately but not to my father in law.

so….my father in law recently invited his girlfriend of 4 years to move in with him, to my husbands childhood home, his girlfriend is 25 years younger than him (he’s 68 and she’s 43, only a few years older than my husband and I) she has never been married or had children. My husbands siblings and him have started to express concerns amongst themselves about inheritance, they haven’t mentioned it in a while but it’s playing on my mind. The home they now share is one that my mother In law bought, decorated etc before she died, she raised her children there and I was very close to her once before she got ill. I do worry that all of that will go to my father In laws girlfriend one day and not my husband and his 2 siblings. We are Scottish and I know inheritance laws are slightly different than English ones. My father in laws friend supposedly told him once to never add his girlfriend to his will when he was drunk once, as it will take away money from their children. I think my husband and his siblings expressed this concern once or twice and then didn’t mention it again, it plays on my mind frequently though even though it’s not my battle to fight. AIBU for worrying and knowing it’ll be truly awkward if it ever gets brought up? One thing my husband did say is that he wants his dad to be happy but would express his concern if his dad ever wanted to re-marry. Has anyone been in this situation? Ps - we live very comfortably and have good jobs, we don’t need to rely on inheritance but my husbands mum worked hard on the home in question and he knows she wouldn’t want it to go to some younger woman instead of her children, that’s my husbands main concern, I just think I think about it a lot more than the family do and maybe I shouldn’t

OP posts:
HoppyOne · 26/08/2023 22:13

Inheritance is a lottery, you can’t be pissed off if you don’t win.

Original poster
MrsB2603 · 26/08/2023 22:15

Boomboom22 · 26/08/2023 22:11

A 68 is very young to be thinking about inheritance, I doubt a 43 Yr old married an elderly man so assume he's pretty much the same as any other adult if not fitter so expected to go beyond avg life expectancy of 84.
B Scotland you cannot disinherit your children even if you write in your will, not sure of percentage they are entitled to but it is law.
C she might accidentally get pregnant and think it's the menopause.

We had a conversation once about my sister in laws husband getting a vasectomy, FIL gf joked that FIL will need to get that and her birth control is iron clad, she really is very against having kids of her own but happy to help babysit her siblings kids and my kids with FIL

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsB2603 · 26/08/2023 22:17

HoppyOne · 26/08/2023 22:13

Inheritance is a lottery, you can’t be pissed off if you don’t win.

I like that quote!

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 26/08/2023 22:18

I do understand it being something they have thought about. There’s a bit to unpack with her being more their age than their parents ages too.

Of course your FIL could live for decades more, of course your MIL could have psychically known she was going to die relatively young and put particular things in place, but both are as much “what if’s” as your FIL passing and his new partner/wife ending up with the majority of the estate.

It’s not entitled to wonder or worry, it is human nature.

Original poster
MrsB2603 · 26/08/2023 22:20

Pammela2 · 26/08/2023 21:11

We have had a similar situation but my fil ended up divorcing his second wife..so there’s now far less inheritance (they married when retired and he brought all the money:properties)

I think people are being unfair when sesicribibg it as nothing to do with you. My husband and siblings felt they were pushed aside during the marriage and he did anything that the second wife wanted- including having a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ with her for the will regarding his children. That’s moot now that they’re divorcing, but her attitude during the divorce has clearly shown the concerns were valid.

It isn’t always about money, rather than showing priority and care for your children, which is a natural need for offspring.

I hope your situation ends a bit happier than ours!

Thank you for this reply, I think it is a valid concern as you said, it doesn’t have to be a money driven decision but rather taking care of your family after you’re gone, not because your children are vultures! I want my children and grandkids looked after when I’m gone. I’m sorry this was a source of stress in your own family

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsB2603 · 26/08/2023 22:21

SemperIdem · 26/08/2023 22:18

I do understand it being something they have thought about. There’s a bit to unpack with her being more their age than their parents ages too.

Of course your FIL could live for decades more, of course your MIL could have psychically known she was going to die relatively young and put particular things in place, but both are as much “what if’s” as your FIL passing and his new partner/wife ending up with the majority of the estate.

It’s not entitled to wonder or worry, it is human nature.

Thank you, I agree, human nature, not meant to be taken as greedy as it may come across

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsB2603 · 26/08/2023 22:23

category12 · 26/08/2023 21:09

What if she and your FIL have a long and happy relationship for the next 20-odd years and she cares for him in his declining years, will you still think she shouldn't get to stay in their shared home and shouldn't inherit from him? 🙄Boot her out in her sixties with a fuck you very much?

What your Dh's mum would have wanted is irrelevant - she's gone and not up-to -date with the situation.

Stop fretting over what might happen with a man's estate - none of you are entitled to it and as you've said you're all doing OK, it's kind of gross to be mentally planning out to have his money.

Certainly not, in that situation of course she’s be entitled to a fair share, I never once said she wouldn’t be, my husband and his siblings would never see her out on her ear if that were to happen, we actually do think she’s very nice, in case that didn’t come across

OP posts:
2jacqi · 26/08/2023 22:29

is there any chance your FIL could be persuaded to put your DH and his siblings on the title deeds? this would make it a lot easier and should also mean that house cannot be sold to pay for future care by DSS!

Original poster
MrsB2603 · 26/08/2023 22:31

2jacqi · 26/08/2023 22:29

is there any chance your FIL could be persuaded to put your DH and his siblings on the title deeds? this would make it a lot easier and should also mean that house cannot be sold to pay for future care by DSS!

He would perhaps be open to this, but it’s a bit too awkward to bring up unless necessary to be honest

OP posts:
category12 · 26/08/2023 22:33

I think you should think more about the positives of this situation -
living with him she's likely to support him through any illness and infirmity which lifts the burden of care from family and will probably save care-home fees and carer fees that could wipe out any inheritance anyway; she's company for him so you don't have to be worried about him being lonely or needing to check up on him; she'll keep him active and interested in life longer.

She's not so old that a new sibling is impossible either 😂

Original poster
MrsB2603 · 26/08/2023 22:35

category12 · 26/08/2023 22:33

I think you should think more about the positives of this situation -
living with him she's likely to support him through any illness and infirmity which lifts the burden of care from family and will probably save care-home fees and carer fees that could wipe out any inheritance anyway; she's company for him so you don't have to be worried about him being lonely or needing to check up on him; she'll keep him active and interested in life longer.

She's not so old that a new sibling is impossible either 😂

I am glad he’s very happy after being widowed! Other people have brought this up 😂 she is very against ever having kids, never wanted them, that’s one thing I don’t think we worry too much about 😂

OP posts:
Rewis · 26/08/2023 22:43

Did your husband inherit anything when his mother died or did all of it go to the dad ? And is the problem that mom's inheritance would go to the new girlfriend? Or just the general emotional feeling of dad not leaving anything to his kids?

My partners mother died long before we met and he got an inheritance from her. FIL re-married and the wife moved to his house. FIL has been very open and said he will leave everything to his wife (she's younger and healthier and will likely outlive him) and his wife is leaving everything to her nieces and nephews. Partner was initially a bit hurt but nothing he can do about it. But since his mothers money is not going to 2nd wife's nieces and nephews he's okay with it. Otherwise I think he'd be a bit more upset.

Lantyslee · 26/08/2023 23:16

You're overthinking this. Even if FIL hadn't met a new partner it's quite likely the family home would be sold and the money used to pay for a smaller retirement flat and, in turn, care home fees. This is what's happened with my DM. Someone else now lives in my childhood home and the care home fees mean there won't be anything left for me and my siblings to inherit.

Your FIL having a younger partner, who could end up as his carer, means this is actually less likely to happen to your DH and his siblings.

Neodymium · 26/08/2023 23:30

If he does leave it all to her, then your husband and siblings would have a claim on her estate when she passed away.

i have a great uncle who fleeced his partner after she got brain cancer. He knew her intention was to leave her house to her children, but he hid her will and then claimed a majority share by saying they were partners living together. he wanted more in his estate to leave to his children, which he admitted. Her 2 girls can (and I hope will) make a claim on his estate when he dies as he make himself their stepfather by his actions.

they only lived together in the last few months of her life when she was sick, prior to that they each had their own house own money and just saw each other on weekends or holidays as companions.

MustBeGinOclock · 26/08/2023 23:42

I get what op is concerned about as we too are in the same situation. There's not much we can do is there other than leave them to it. It might all fizzle out anyway.

AquaButton · 26/08/2023 23:56

my father in law recently invited his girlfriend of 4 years to move in with him, to my husbands childhood home No, he asked her to move in to HIS home.

Bohoboo · 27/08/2023 07:33

I get it OP. This situation has just happened to me. I hadnt given it much thought until my Dad passed but then quickly realised that everything has been left to his wife (who i like very much). She is only a few years older than me.
I had never thought about what I might inherit so was really surprised how hurt I felt. The estate is/was substantial and I will be helping my stepmum with sorting things out which include selling properties and she is family so I will look out for her. Just before my Dad died he told me to look out for her because she has a family history of Alzheimers. So i am now assuming that the estate may well be used for her care at some point in the future. But its also pretty likely that she will remarry.
I think the reality was that the will was 20 years old and he just hadnt thought about it recently - or thats what i tell myself anyway.

fedupnow2 · 27/08/2023 07:45

MrsB2603 · 26/08/2023 20:27

I knew someone would say that and was prepared for that response. It’s not that anyone is being entitled, if he wanted to spend it all tomorrow travelling the world we’d be happy for him, it’s more about the “kids” childhood home their mum put money towards, worked on and raised children in going to someone else other than the people she’d have wanted it to go to, my husband and his siblings do very well for themselves and work hard and I promise they aren’t entitled people

This doesn't make sense op. Yes your mil made it into a home, but that is what anyone would do? Your home is what you made it into but it will go on after you. At present, it's his home and he is alive. Why is it playing on your mind so much. If there are sentimental items, can't your dh just ask his father for them? If it's not sentimental items then it's clearly the money that you are concerned about.

Selfesteem23 · 27/08/2023 07:47

I’m kind of glad my dad doesn’t have anything to leave tbh. Inheritance can cause such drama and stress.

They need to have the conversation with their dad over their concerns if it’s bugging them so much. He may be wrapped up in finding a new relationship and hasn’t even given dying and leaving inheritance a second thought.

Aprilx · 27/08/2023 08:00

I just think about it a lot more than the family do and maybe I shouldn’t

No maybe about it, you definitely shouldn’t. You ask has anybody been in this situation, yes, my husband’s father remarried about ten years ago. Yes she is younger than him, yes they live in his childhood home, the one his mother (deceased 20 years ago, bought and decorated with his father).

But it’s his fathers house. My husband and his siblings are glad he had a second chance of happiness and has companionship in his old age. So on the whole, they are not giving it much head space. And I am definitely not.

category12 · 27/08/2023 08:04

Selfesteem23 · 27/08/2023 07:47

I’m kind of glad my dad doesn’t have anything to leave tbh. Inheritance can cause such drama and stress.

They need to have the conversation with their dad over their concerns if it’s bugging them so much. He may be wrapped up in finding a new relationship and hasn’t even given dying and leaving inheritance a second thought.

It's not even a new relationship, they've been together four years! They've been taking it really slowly by seems of it to now be living together. (Perhaps to be sensitive to the family's feelings about the mum).

It's not like she's popped up from nowhere. Family have had plenty of time to get used to him having a partner.

Honestly think it's a bit grabby to be grumbling about possible loss of inheritance.

Konfetka · 27/08/2023 08:28

Well aren't you a peach.

This woman didn't come to the party empty-handed; on the contrary, she's sold her own property and become a contributing member of a partnership. And now she's doing unpaid childcare for children whose parents are secretly plotting against her!

Brumbies · 27/08/2023 08:40

These threads annoy me. I'm a widow, could move my new man in, leave everything to him. My choice. How dare anyone question what I do with my assets. Especially a daughter in law!

Whiskerson · 27/08/2023 08:42

I think you really have to let go of this.

You are thinking of the house as your late MILs, and you are seeing yourself as the guardian of her wishes.

For your own sake, let go of those notions.

As everyone has said, it is your FIL's house and nobody else's. I'm sure if he is a sensible man he will have thought of all this and will put appropriate measures in place. But maybe he will surprise you and leave it all to a cat's home, or sell up and spend his twilight years on luxury cruises. Let go of trying to control this. It's out of your control. And tbh it's a bit patronising that you see yourself as the better guardian of his own late wife's wishes. He's the one who built that home with her. It must mean more to him than to you.

And... I know what it's like to be sentimental about a house, but most of us say goodbye to our childhood homes at some point. You keep the memories and move on, create new ones. Enjoy it while you have access to it, instead of fretting about losing it. If it stays in the family, that's a bonus, but don't cling to it, it will mean you don't even enjoy it now.

Shepandawing · 27/08/2023 08:48

There is no real way for you to express these 'concerns' without looking money grabbing. As previous posters have said, it is his money and his property, not inheritance yet.

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