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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I think my 21 year old son prefers his girlfriends mum over me.

103 replies

DarkandStormy77 · 26/08/2023 18:29

He's been going out with his girlfriend for over 4 years. She's a lovely girl. Both her parents have good jobs, lovely house, cars etc. Can afford to go to fancy restaurants and also holidays few times a year. His dad and I are working class, live in an overcrowded damp council house and have never been able to afford to take our kids on holiday abroad. Anyway I'll cut to the chase. For Christmases & birthday's, he'll get me like a Yankee Candle, cheap plonk/chocolates or item from Next. For the gf mum he will get her clothes from the white company and stuff from the rituals in one gift or expensive wine etc. I know I probably sound jealous but it really hurts. I was in tears when I found out what he spends on her. It's not about the money though as I really do appreciate what he gives me as it's the thought that counted. It's just when I discovered he must vaule his relationship with gf mum more than the one that actual carried him for 9 months, spent 9 hours in labour and has scrimped and saved to give him the best of everything well it really cut deep. Sorry if I'm not wording this right, kinda in tears writing this but aibu?

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 26/08/2023 18:33

Do you even like the posh stuff he buys her? He probably thinks you like the stuff he buys you. YABU

Problesolving · 26/08/2023 18:34

Money doesn’t equal love.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 26/08/2023 18:34

It sounds like a 'keeping up with the Joneses' situation. I assume it's his GF who is guiding his choice of gifts which doesn't make it any fairer. Ask him how he'd feel if you did the same to him with a sibling for example.

Riverlee · 26/08/2023 18:35

Maybe the gf suggested what he should buy for her.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 26/08/2023 18:35

Ime ds's can take us for granted! On the other hand he is shaping up to be a decent sil! What kept my ds's happy was a regular slot for a cooked supermarket breakfast! Chance for a catch up and proper 1-1 conversation! Ds is 28 and still loves a meet up! Find your niche with your ds op! He must be a confident ds to be happy in his gf's home! Remember you raised a good lad there!

SummerEnding · 26/08/2023 18:35

I would assume she spends more on his gifts than you do on his so he is trying to reciprocate.

HamishTheCamel · 26/08/2023 18:36

Maybe he feels that he has to give her something "posh" because that's what she gets from other people? He might be embarrassed to give her cheap plonk but he knows you won't mind and will enjoy it. Some people are snobbish about wine and chocs while others don't care. Honestly it doesn't mean he likes her more.

Jellycats4life · 26/08/2023 18:38

YANBU and it’s a dynamic I’ve seen play out in my own familiar several times over the generations.

BCBird · 26/08/2023 18:39

It unusual to di his but itbis not show he prefers girlfriend's mom.to u. He probably trying to make sure he keeps up whth the Jonses- keeping everything sweet because of his girlfriend. Sometimes we take our parents for granted.

7Worfs · 26/08/2023 18:40

The in-laws likely have very different customs regarding presents and he’s joining in appropriately.
If you spend quality time together and are close, there’s nothing more you could possibly ask for.

cherryassam · 26/08/2023 18:42

Is he choosing and paying for the gifts for his GF’s mum or is she choosing and paying for them and he’s just putting his name on the tag?

Ivyusername · 26/08/2023 18:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

pilates · 26/08/2023 18:45

I can understand why you would be hurt. He may feel a bit pressurised to spend more on her because they are well off and not because he likes her more. FWIW I think White Company is overrated.

Spendonsend · 26/08/2023 18:46

One of the oddest things i've noticed about gifts is people give more expensive gifts to richer people. Like the cost of the gift relates to the recipient rather than the giver, particulary if they might get a gift back. Its not universal but very common.

So i think he is just fitting in with that trend and isnt attaching love to it.

But i would still be bit sad if my son gave me a less nice present than his gf's mum

Dellarobia · 26/08/2023 18:47

Yes @Spendonsend I have noticed that too. It doesn't make any sense.

cruffinsmuffin · 26/08/2023 18:48

I think the issue here is you're assigning emotions to monetary spend - in one sentence you say it's not about the money, in the next you're saying he must value the relationship with his MIL more than you (I mean the time you spent in labour doesn't automatically mean he'll buy you things from the white company 😂).

Would you like something from rituals? Or the white company? Lots of the things from rituals are similar priced to Yankee candles tbh. Maybe his GF is going halves on the gifts with him? Are your presents things you like and enjoy, regardless of monetary value? Would you rather he bought you the same things from the same shops just so you can feel equal?

GreenEyedGiant · 26/08/2023 18:50

Agree with PP that this is a 'keeping up with the Jonses' thing. I buy one of my sisters something a little more expensive as she has expensive taste and only uses good brands so me buying her Primark PJs isn't going to cut it. On the flip side she buys me things from brands she loves and it's a little taste of luxury for me.

He's just trying to impress her and doesn't want to gift her stuff that she might think was cheap. However I do understand that getting cheap stuff from him stings but other than bringing it up with him there;s not much you can do.

CuteCillian · 26/08/2023 18:52

Does the GF spend more on you than on her own DM?
My DD's boyfriend is generous at Christmas and birthdays. We tell him that it isn't necessary, but he insists on this because we refuse to accept payment for the meals/holidays we provide the rest of the year. So I actually find it thoughtful.

KajsaKavat · 26/08/2023 18:53

He buys her nicer things because she likes nicer things. He probably thinks you like cheap booze and Yankee candles…?

honeyandfizz · 26/08/2023 18:55

YANBU I have a son the same age and would be upset if he treated his gf mother better than me.

DarkandStormy77 · 26/08/2023 19:03

TeaKitten · 26/08/2023 18:33

Do you even like the posh stuff he buys her? He probably thinks you like the stuff he buys you. YABU

I've never tried any of it, so I honestly wouldn't know. Not even stepped foot inside any of those type of shops because just too costly for me. I would feel outside my comfort zone.

OP posts:
FasciaDreams · 26/08/2023 19:04

Why does he get gifts for GF Mum but you get nothing from GF?
Is it because the family subs him a lot w.r.t meals out, holidays etc and he's trying to repay them (and not seem like a gold digger)?
It must hurt OP but I don't think his intention is to snub you. If anything, regardless of price none of his gifts seem particularly thoughtful or imaginative so I highly doubt that he's trying to show any extra love here with the extra cost.

It could be also that GF family consider them a serious couple and so the gift is from 'them' rather than your son. By the time I'd dated DH a year (albeit much older than 19) we gave gifts as a couple when we visited his family at Christmas.

TeaKitten · 26/08/2023 19:05

DarkandStormy77 · 26/08/2023 19:03

I've never tried any of it, so I honestly wouldn't know. Not even stepped foot inside any of those type of shops because just too costly for me. I would feel outside my comfort zone.

So why are you crying that he’s bought you stuff you do like?

Lilithlogic · 26/08/2023 19:07

TeaKitten · 26/08/2023 19:05

So why are you crying that he’s bought you stuff you do like?

Why are you being antagonist towards OP, do you like kicking people when they are down?

HectorSalamanca · 26/08/2023 19:08

My husband's mum is into expensive stuff and we get her stuff from the white company, posh cosmetics etc.

My mum couldn't give a shite about stuff like that, so although we spend the same amount of money at Xmas, there is a disparity in birthday presents, because dh's mums expectations are much higher than my mum's.

If I spent £50 on a candle for my mum, she would be fuming lol.