Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my 21 year old son prefers his girlfriends mum over me.

103 replies

DarkandStormy77 · 26/08/2023 18:29

He's been going out with his girlfriend for over 4 years. She's a lovely girl. Both her parents have good jobs, lovely house, cars etc. Can afford to go to fancy restaurants and also holidays few times a year. His dad and I are working class, live in an overcrowded damp council house and have never been able to afford to take our kids on holiday abroad. Anyway I'll cut to the chase. For Christmases & birthday's, he'll get me like a Yankee Candle, cheap plonk/chocolates or item from Next. For the gf mum he will get her clothes from the white company and stuff from the rituals in one gift or expensive wine etc. I know I probably sound jealous but it really hurts. I was in tears when I found out what he spends on her. It's not about the money though as I really do appreciate what he gives me as it's the thought that counted. It's just when I discovered he must vaule his relationship with gf mum more than the one that actual carried him for 9 months, spent 9 hours in labour and has scrimped and saved to give him the best of everything well it really cut deep. Sorry if I'm not wording this right, kinda in tears writing this but aibu?

OP posts:
Theborder · 26/08/2023 20:51

Honestly? Take it as a compliment. He knows he doesn’t need to impress you. He knows you and him are secure, irrespective of gifts. He’s probably still in the “trying to impress the in laws stage” and feels like he has to buy his GFs mum this sort of thing. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for feeling a bit sad, but you are his mum and a mother in law won’t replace that. ❤️

Clymene · 26/08/2023 20:52

How shit to be ashamed of who he is and what his parents have supported him to achieve.

I'd be ashamed of him too. Ungrateful rude oik.

Thelonelygiraffe · 26/08/2023 20:53

7Worfs · 26/08/2023 18:40

The in-laws likely have very different customs regarding presents and he’s joining in appropriately.
If you spend quality time together and are close, there’s nothing more you could possibly ask for.

Don't dismiss the op's feelings. She can ask for anything that she wants.

SauronsArsehole · 26/08/2023 20:57

Right OP. I am a working class raised kid just like your DS raised with 7 other siblings in a council house.

went to uni and felt massively massively out of place. I was judged and mocked and bullied through school and uni because I didn’t do brands, bought basics food etc. I was common. Spoke a bit weird. I either had to keep up with everyone else or accept the rejection.

your DS will be feeling out of place too. He’ll be sandwiched between two worlds and won’t quite fit into either of them anymore. So he’s not really ‘embarrassed’ as such he’s trying to find his feet in a weird new position he’s in.

I think I would make a comment about the gifts but do so tactfully in the ‘oh I’ve always fancied trying X I went to buy some once and felt uncomfortable’

are your finances still squeezed or are things improving? Could you try some of those things yourself?

xyz111 · 26/08/2023 21:02

He probably feels like he has to spend that. He might feel judged that if he got her a Yankee candle, she would look down on him. It doesn't mean he likes her more than you.

Thelonelygiraffe · 26/08/2023 21:03

Does his gf buy you gifts too, op? What does she get you?

I totally get why you're so upset. You feel your ds is rejecting you, all his family and all you stand for.

But I guess he will meet people from all walks of life over his life, and he's trying to fit in with his gf's family.

Can you talk to him? Say how upset you are?

How do you get on with his gf?

Breakingpoint1961 · 26/08/2023 21:13

Haven't RTFT but I can honestly say, he is so secure with you that he doesn't need to impress however..that does not mean it's right.

I think my DS (25) would be the same, but I'd call him out on it, sorry but I would, because it's shallow and superficial, and I'd not like my DC to possess traits like this.

I'd expect to be treated a bit special by my DC, and you're not feeling special, when actually you are incredibly specialFlowers

23hol · 26/08/2023 21:16

Its almost definitely due to pressure OP, whether directly or indirectly. He's trying to fit in / impress etc largely for the girlfriends sake but also to save his face. Its all about how he is perceived. You are his mum, he knows you love him and that he deosnt need to impress you.

Ghosttofu99 · 26/08/2023 21:22

It seems you are very caught up in brands and what everything costs so could be why he feels the need to impress this other family. Once he is older and has increased earnings it’s more likely he might start spending more on you. Maybe he thought that because you are his closest family he didn’t have to impress you and you would be happy with presents he could afford. Either way I’d judge the value of your relationship on how you treat each other rather than gift value. If there are significant problems with how he treats you then that is a problem.

Wiccan · 26/08/2023 21:24

My DD did this to us with every boyfriend she had and went out of her way to make us feel left out or not good enough . I know how you feel OP it really hurts. I always thought I was imagining it until a friend pointed out to me that my DD treats us like shit when there's a boyfriend on the scene. Cheaper gifts than his family , making fun of things in our life and my personality. Spending time with them but not us. It affected me greatly she was horrible to us. I don't understand how people can treat their family this way .
I do feel for you OP 💐

cherry2727 · 26/08/2023 21:25

@TeaKitten
So why are you crying that he’s bought you stuff you do like?

Oh do bugger off!

Are you really struggling to understand the op's plight ?

Op- I have a wide range of friends. A few who prefer lush/ expensive items than others . I would spend a bit more for those who prefer such lush items primarily because I think those items will be appreciated and liked and I'd rather spend a bit money on an item they would prefer . It doesn't mean that I like them anymore or less than my other friends.

Your ds is probably trying to impress the family and is also being encouraged by his gf on his gift choice for her parents . I do understand why you'd feel this way though!

Hawkins009 · 26/08/2023 21:28

DarkandStormy77 · 26/08/2023 19:18

Yes, she always buys him designer clothes. Like CK boxer's, £100 T-shirts, niche brand's etc So do the gf grandparents. Which also upset me because when he started university last year I bought him some necessities, he barely said thanks. The grandparents also got him lots of things for university, better brands and he came and showed me, excitedly saying, look at all the stuff they got me, isn't that's so nice of them. My purchase got stuffed in a drawer.

Show quote history

With that context I can understand your perspectives, not sure what words would be of comfort.

I guess sometimes we can only try our best and then it's a mix as to how the offspring turns out.

TeaKitten · 26/08/2023 21:31

cherry2727 · 26/08/2023 21:25

@TeaKitten
So why are you crying that he’s bought you stuff you do like?

Oh do bugger off!

Are you really struggling to understand the op's plight ?

Op- I have a wide range of friends. A few who prefer lush/ expensive items than others . I would spend a bit more for those who prefer such lush items primarily because I think those items will be appreciated and liked and I'd rather spend a bit money on an item they would prefer . It doesn't mean that I like them anymore or less than my other friends.

Your ds is probably trying to impress the family and is also being encouraged by his gf on his gift choice for her parents . I do understand why you'd feel this way though!

Bugger off yourself, there was nothing outrageous about my comment at all. We were basically making the same point!

5128gap · 26/08/2023 21:45

Is he a good son to you OP? Is he respectful, considerate, does he help you out, care about your welfare? These are the things that matter, and there's every chance his GF picks her mothers gifts from him and he just goes along with it, but chooses yours himself.
On the other hand if he's dismissive, sneering towards you and is displaying some snobby tendencies it's possible he's had his head turned a bit. The chances are he'll get over it when he matures enough to value what really matters.

Hawkins009 · 26/08/2023 21:47

TeaKitten · 26/08/2023 21:31

Bugger off yourself, there was nothing outrageous about my comment at all. We were basically making the same point!

Show quote history

Sometimes it's not what you say but more the way and the words that's used to say it.

Some companies even have training courses on how to give constructive critiquing etc.

Fallingthroughclouds · 26/08/2023 21:47

Definitely trying to find a gift that fits in, nothing to do with level of affection at all.

InSpainTheRain · 26/08/2023 22:47

Perhaps he can't really afford the posh stuff but feels he has to keep up the appearance and buy the type of stuff she usually gets. Honestly i do not think it means he prefers her.

booksandbrooks · 26/08/2023 22:54

Spendonsend · 26/08/2023 18:46

One of the oddest things i've noticed about gifts is people give more expensive gifts to richer people. Like the cost of the gift relates to the recipient rather than the giver, particulary if they might get a gift back. Its not universal but very common.

So i think he is just fitting in with that trend and isnt attaching love to it.

But i would still be bit sad if my son gave me a less nice present than his gf's mum

But in another way it does make sense. Giving people expensive gifts that they couldn't reciprocate can be embarrassing. It's not that they're less loved or deserving, just depending on the person it can be a social minefield. Not taking about this instance but in general. Sometimes it's fine but definitely not always and you don't want someone feeling obliged to reciprocate beyond their means.

Hawkins009 · 26/08/2023 23:05

booksandbrooks · 26/08/2023 22:54

But in another way it does make sense. Giving people expensive gifts that they couldn't reciprocate can be embarrassing. It's not that they're less loved or deserving, just depending on the person it can be a social minefield. Not taking about this instance but in general. Sometimes it's fine but definitely not always and you don't want someone feeling obliged to reciprocate beyond their means.

Show quote history

Like sheldon and penny with the napkin and Sheldon's bath items?

Zanina · 26/08/2023 23:19

It's happening in my family as well and my sibling is not as young. Can't win with disloyal twats

SgtPercyTwentyman · 26/08/2023 23:51

I think it simply boils down to the fact that he doesn't want his presents to look cheap and tatty compared with the other stuff she gets.

It's all down to how HE appears to THEM, not how much he loves you or whether he prefers his g/f's Mum.

Alargeoneplease89 · 26/08/2023 23:57

I sort of understand how you feel, my twin brother slowly cut me out of his life because 'he went up in life'. It must really hurt seeing your son like this but if you want to keep the relationship you are going to have to stop comparing. Remember he is young and seeing life differently and you will always be his mum who will be there through thick and thin.

PinkChampange · 27/08/2023 00:03

If this was my son I wouldn't be upset because I would rather a cheap bottle of plonk that I like than an expensive bottle of rubbish that I couldn't stand

Goldbar · 27/08/2023 08:54

He's very young and he's trying to navigate unfamiliar social territories. Also, his "job" now, after the great start in life that you've given him, is both literally and emotionally to start separating from you and making his own way in life and deciding who he wants to be. He's going to make lots of mistakes and will probably be a bit of a twat at times, but your role now is to step back and just be there for him, not layer on the guilt.

TuesdayQ · 27/08/2023 09:04

Honey, you are not wasting anyone's time.
My eldest son is 19, and these young people really do often take their own Mums for granted; especially if we've done a good job, and they know we love them unconditionally.