I think my 21 year old son prefers his girlfriends mum over me.

[DarkandStormy77]

He's been going out with his girlfriend for over 4 years. She's a lovely girl. Both her parents have good jobs, lovely house, cars etc. Can afford to go to fancy restaurants and also holidays few times a year. His dad and I are working class, live in an overcrowded damp council house and have never been able to afford to take our kids on holiday abroad. Anyway I'll cut to the chase. For Christmases & birthday's, he'll get me like a Yankee Candle, cheap plonk/chocolates or item from Next. For the gf mum he will get her clothes from the white company and stuff from the rituals in one gift or expensive wine etc. I know I probably sound jealous but it really hurts. I was in tears when I found out what he spends on her. It's not about the money though as I really do appreciate what he gives me as it's the thought that counted. It's just when I discovered he must vaule his relationship with gf mum more than the one that actual carried him for 9 months, spent 9 hours in labour and has scrimped and saved to give him the best of everything well it really cut deep. Sorry if I'm not wording this right, kinda in tears writing this but aibu?

I would be pissed off at this as well and I would bloody tell him so 😡

Do you think he is trying to keep up with them financially and so buys the same type of gifts that her family buys? He might be afraid of looking poor or stingy if he spends what he usually would?

Maybe he is really trying to impress his gf family. I really wouldn't take it as a slight against you, he probably thinks you may chastise him for spending so much on you. Your his mum, he loves you, that's worth more than any trinkets.

Or he feels the need to keep up appearances with his gf family.

Agree with others, before I read the replies I thought he probably buys her expensive things because she would turn her nose up at 'cheap plonk' so he has to make a good impression.

Some people really equate money and gifts with love but that's really not the case for everyone.

You might feel like you're losing him a bit to his girlfriend and girlfriend's family if he's spending lots of time with them? But even then, you're still his mum and almost definitely mean more to him than his girlfriend's mum.x

Maybe they spend a lot in him and he feels he needs to reciprocate?

I think you should try to put the presents issue out of your mind and focus on how he is with you. Does he speak kindly to you, not take you for granted, do things for you? Those are the important things.

Yes, she always buys him designer clothes. Like CK boxer's, £100 T-shirts, niche brand's etc So do the gf grandparents. Which also upset me because when he started university last year I bought him some necessities, he barely said thanks. The grandparents also got him lots of things for university, better brands and he came and showed me, excitedly saying, look at all the stuff they got me, isn't that's so nice of them. My purchase got stuffed in a drawer.

Not sure you know the meaning of "antagonist" or "kicking." PP raised a pertinent question. I've no idea why you chose to take such deep offence to it.

I think that’s most likely your answer then!

Why would he buy these things for you that you have no interest in? It’s like me buying items from Flannels and wherever else because that’s what my MIL likes but my mum is happy in H&M!

I think you’re comparing too much. It seems that his GF’s family can afford to do much more then you’ve been able too. I don’t think it means that he’s getting her more expensive presents because he likes her more. It could be that they spend quite a bit on their daughter and your son too so he wants to try with the gift giving

Maybe he feels the need to buy his GF's mum expensive stuff?

Maybe I read the tone wrong. Are you suggesting I'm stupid btw?

I don't think I'd worry about it too much.

With your son in uni, he'll likely be a high earner and if they get married they both will be, as well have have her parents financial backing.

It could mean a step up for you too if you accept it.

It's a difficult age and, no reflection on you at all, but he's probably feeling somewhat insecure about the differences in their backgrounds. One of the things about progressing into early adulthood and coming across a wider range of people is that you slowly realise that others have had completely different childhoods and experiences from you. He hasn't had sufficient life experience to put this in perspective yet and he's trying to do what he feels would be viewed as the "correct" thing in the circumstances. I can understand your hurt but I think you're being a bit mean-spirited to attribute this to liking her more or anything like that when it probably has nothing to do with that.

They go out gift shopping together, but they buy the gifts separately.

It's a bit weird for them to buy him boxers imo

He’s clearly been accepted into her family if both her parents and Grandparents bought him gifts for starting Uni. Just be pleased that they are so happy to have him in their family. You obviously raised him well. I’m afraid young adults can be a bit insensitive but as long as he still spends time with you and buys you gifts I would try not to take it personally.

Oh OP, I feel for you. I understand why you've drawn the conclusion that he likes them more, but that really isn't what this is!

You're his mum. Of course he loves you. Perhaps he takes you for granted a bit, but I would be willing to bet that he loves you the most. It's just that he is slightly in awe of his gf's wealthier and very generous parents and grandparents. He appreciates stuff from them more because he doesn't expect it. But it doesn't change how he feels about you.

Yes, you're his mum. It's the fate of parents (but particularly mums) to be taken for granted. You are just default. That's just how it is.

He'll probably grow up and come to appreciate everything that you've done and do for him sometime in his 30s, particularly if he has children and is involved enough with them to realise how relentless and often thankless being a parent is. It was after I had my first DC that the light dawned on me that my mum was actually a bit of a hero while we were growing up, and my appreciation for her has only grown since.

It's not that he values his relationship with gf's mum more than you, it's just that he's trying to fit in with the family. He's trying to impress them. It's normal unfortunately. You're his mum and supposed to love him unconditionally and he probably takes that for granted.

I said I'd feel outside my comfort zone shopping in there. Not that I wouldn't appreciate a gift from there. I was in a posh shop once as I had birthday money saved up so thought I'd treat myself. It was many years ago but it still fresh in my mind, the security guard followed me about for over 10 mins and the staff kept on looking over at me. I wasn't the only one in the shop but it was me they choose to keep a close eye on. I felt so anxious I had to leave.

That has nothing to do with how your 21 year old son buys presents though, he’s bought you stuff he thinks you will like, and he’s bought his girlfriends mum stuff he thinks that she will like (or that his girlfriend has told him to buy). You are placing too much value on this. Out of interest though, what did his girlfriend buy you?

I presume the girlfriend tells him what to buy

I've never tried any of it, so I honestly wouldn't know. Not even stepped foot inside any of those type of shops

So logically; if he's never seen you in those shops, or using products from those shops, why would he buy you presents from them? And if he did, randomly, he'd run the risk of looking like he was implying you needed "better' things...

He's just buying what he knows people will like. It sounds like you've raised a lovely young man. Focus on that over presents. It's really easy to pass on financial anxieties and discomforts and it sounds like you haven't done that, despite being clearly quite affected yourself, so that's an absolute credit to you.

I do feel he's embarrassed by us. Had an argument with him last year as he untagged himself from any of the family pic's on Instagram and deleted any he had. Saying he was clearing up and they were embarrassing as his friends had mocked him. I got really upset because one included my mum (who died back in 2021) standing proudly with her grandchildren (he was her favourite) on her birthday. Felt like he's deleting us from his life. I feel like I'm not worthy enough or whatever..God I'm overreacting, I just know it and my mh right now is at an all time low so that isn't helping. Thank you all for your replies/advice. I'll stop wasting your time now. Sorry.