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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Entitled AIBU

103 replies

Fuckallthewayoff · 26/08/2023 15:08

Long back story, I apologise. DM likes to make a repeated comment during arguments that I am entitled because I expect my partner to support me financially. And I do, but this is why:

I do not have any diagnosis but I have trained in SEN and it has literally been my job to flag up where I think children need to be referred to the ASD pathway and other concerns like possible ADHD and other causes developmental delay or difficulties. After 10+ years of this I am fairly certain I am on the spectrum, have ADHD and due to the emotional abuse I received from my pre teens to this very day, I also meet all of the criteria for BPD.

I have been failed by my parents, the schools I attended and the NHS. I was a child who slipped through the cracks because I was so good at masking it and the behaviours that weren’t so hidden were made to be other things. I was accused of being lazy but I’d have stayed awake all night using sleep procrastination as a form of self harm. I was called unmotivated even though I’d spend 8+ hours staring at a blank page not knowing why I couldn’t put my intelligence onto a page. I am still called explosive for lashing out when I was so unbearably overstimulated but didn’t know that’s what it was. I grew up to be an adult who can’t hold down a job, has failed relationships because my partners can’t understand why sometimes I can’t bare to be touched even by them, self medicates with alcohol and drugs because it makes my sensory issues easier to handle. I don’t even know what my real personality is because I am so angry and resentful for the abuse I received that my family attempt to gaslight me didn’t happen and all I know is depression and anger and I could never understand why until my realisations that I was neurodivergent. Those are only some examples, I still am coming to terms with what is coming from the true me and what are behaviours caused by being ND.

The NHS advised a 6+ year waiting list for an assessment and then wouldn’t even put me on the list. When I work full time, it’s horrendous. My alcohol and drug usage to cope increases, I am not a nice person as I’m so irritable and burnt out by being in an over stimulating environment all day with no escape and no diagnosis to be entitled to help or any accommodations.

I work part time now and this has helped so much. I can manage a lot better and since meeting my partner I have been honest about why I work part time and he realises that he would have to subsidise what j would be earning if I was FT. AIBU to think this is okay since I was upfront about what I can contribute financially and he is happy with it and understands it’s not laziness? I recently had to cover full time hours in my job after one week of it and seeing the affect it has on me he understood more than ever why I don’t work FT. He also understands that I carry the mental load of household things and organising and agrees I deserve to be compensated for that.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 26/08/2023 15:15

It does sound a bit entitled, yes. You’ve been upfront with him, but you haven’t really explained why he should be subsidising you other than vaguely alluding to doing more around the home.

I’m not saying he shouldn’t subsidize you if that’s what you’re both happy with. But to think he ought to subsidize you does sound entitled.

thecatinthetwat · 26/08/2023 15:19

Perhaps you could find the money to get some private health care / therapy / diagnosis. This would pay off in the longer term, not just financially but for your health and your relationships.

Gazelda · 26/08/2023 15:29

I think it would be very helpful for you to get some therapy and a diagnosis. Any way you could save towards this?

It would help you navigate relationships and provide you with confidence that your decisions are being made for the sake of your overall wellbeing.

Can you go to your GP to explain that your medicating with alcohol and drugs and see if that helps to get support faster? Or could you try to reduce your reliance on substances to enable you to save for private diagnosis?

But in answer to your question, what you and your partner agree in terms of workload is no one else's business. So long as your both happy with it, ignore anyone else's opinion.

LaurieFairyCake · 26/08/2023 15:34

Drop the parents - and any other twats who are negative towards you Flowers

Pay for a diagnosis, get medication for the BPD and CBT therapy for coping skills for autism

Yes, work part time when you can

(No one else has treated you kindly so you're going to have to do that for yourself Flowers)

Original poster
Fuckallthewayoff · 26/08/2023 16:14

It’s not necessarily that I think I’m owed it. But I’m upfront about the fact that I cannot contribute financially in a way that others can. I don’t maintain a lifestyle of a full time wage. I live on absolute buttons and accept that I can’t buy myself new clothes or things and get by on the bare minimum.

I cannot afford a private diagnosis or treatment

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 26/08/2023 16:22

It doesn’t matter what unsupportive people think: by definition they will not support your decisions or choices.

It sounds like you and your partner gave an agreement that works for you both. It is no one’s business but yours.

If I might add: try to use this time to get in a better footing with your life and work because partner may not always be there. Not because of something you do or they do but just random fate . In addition untreated BPD is a huge risk factor for the relationship tanking. If you believe you have it get treated or join a support group to manage it.

drpet49 · 26/08/2023 16:57

NumberTheory · 26/08/2023 15:15

It does sound a bit entitled, yes. You’ve been upfront with him, but you haven’t really explained why he should be subsidising you other than vaguely alluding to doing more around the home.

I’m not saying he shouldn’t subsidize you if that’s what you’re both happy with. But to think he ought to subsidize you does sound entitled.

This. What if you and your partner split up? Then what?

SunshineAndFizz · 26/08/2023 17:06

It's completely up to you and your partner how you split things financially etc., no one else's business. Loads of couples have one person running the home/looking after the kids and that works for them.

But I don't think you should expect anything just because you've been upfront.

What did you do before you met/would you do if you split? Can working part time support yourself?

CherryMaDeara · 26/08/2023 17:10

Your mum is a shit mum if she begrudges her own dd working part time due to her health. It’s not like she’s funding you, so it’s not the twat’s business. Ignore her and spend the bare minimum time with her you can.

Fairygoblin · 26/08/2023 17:11

Could it be that you come across to him as ungrateful? Not saying you are but potentially he could see it that way? Maybe he feels taken for granted?

iminvestednow · 26/08/2023 17:11

Agree with pp, how you decide to split finances is nobody else’s business. On the other hand you do come across as difficult. Nothing is your fault as you are ND. People should not get upset at you ‘lashing out’ at them as you have issues… life is so much harder for you than anyone else etc etc…

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2023 17:13

He also understands that I carry the mental load of household things and organising and agrees I deserve to be compensated for that.

I’m wondering how you were both coping before you came to this arrangement. You were presumably earning enough to support yourself while he was keeping his clothes clean and making his own meals. How much is there to organise for two adults with no dependents that you need paying for your services and he thinks they’re worth paying for?

How long have you been together? What’s the back up plan if you split up or he goes off the arrangement? It sounds like you’re already very vulnerable and relying on a man you’re not married to because you suggest neither of you has another choice seems unwise.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2023 17:15

Do you lash out at him? It sounds like your good humour is dependent on him paying for your time and conditional on you not having to work full time.

Fairygoblin · 26/08/2023 17:16

Fairygoblin · 26/08/2023 17:11

Could it be that you come across to him as ungrateful? Not saying you are but potentially he could see it that way? Maybe he feels taken for granted?

Apologies! Completely misread DM for DP. Ignore me!

FasciaDreams · 26/08/2023 17:18

YABU OP. You are mixing up 2 different things here.
a) Effect of working on your MH
b) Your entitlement to his support in exchange for doing housework.

a) is fine. If your mental health is impacted so much then work PT.

b) is not. With no children you're not doing near enough to justify being paid to stay home.

It's your partner's choice to support you despite your issues. If he doesn't want to at some point then that's fine. You are not 'justifying' it by doing all the housework, with no kids there can't be that much to do.

DrManhattan · 26/08/2023 17:18

Also think it's a bit entitled. I think I'm from the generation where you just get on with it. Alot of people with mental health issues work full time and I doubt its through choice.

CherryMaDeara · 26/08/2023 17:19

FasciaDreams · 26/08/2023 17:18

YABU OP. You are mixing up 2 different things here.
a) Effect of working on your MH
b) Your entitlement to his support in exchange for doing housework.

a) is fine. If your mental health is impacted so much then work PT.

b) is not. With no children you're not doing near enough to justify being paid to stay home.

It's your partner's choice to support you despite your issues. If he doesn't want to at some point then that's fine. You are not 'justifying' it by doing all the housework, with no kids there can't be that much to do.

What judgemental twaddle. These are consenting adults, they can organise their finances how they wish.

Honestly, some people here just sound jealous of OP.

Redlarge · 26/08/2023 17:21

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2023 17:15

Do you lash out at him? It sounds like your good humour is dependent on him paying for your time and conditional on you not having to work full time.

Wow. This is such an unfair comment.
Please dont take this to heart OP

FasciaDreams · 26/08/2023 17:24

CherryMaDeara · 26/08/2023 17:19

What judgemental twaddle. These are consenting adults, they can organise their finances how they wish.

Honestly, some people here just sound jealous of OP.

Show quote history

And where did I say that they can't?
OP can do what she wants. So can her partner. Nobody said otherwise and it's not anybody else's business.

However if a man and woman have kids, and the woman stays home to care for them she is definitely entitled to support from her partner, father of said kids. That is why child maintenance if they break up exists (although woefully inadequate).

If they don't have kids nobody is obliged to support anybody else. They choose out of free choice.

If you take it one step further... if OP gets so ill that she can't do any housework at all, her partner should still support her if he chooses to stay! If he doesn't want to he should leave.

It is not 'housework' in exchange for support. It's his choice.

Mummy08m · 26/08/2023 17:27

I'm not making a judgement on whether you're entitled but I think you need to explore more options, for the sake of your long term security.

I have two close family members who have similar diagnoses and behaviours to the ones you describe (they are inherited). As part of this, they find it hard to hold down long term relationships, which is why I mention long term security.

One of them has a lifelong career/job that enables him to work entirely remotely, which was rare when he started in the 90s, and with minimal interaction with other people. He made a good income before semi-retiring, and could support himself. The other family member has only found piecemeal work so far but also remote. The both work in non-fictional writing (along the lines of publishing, magazines, advertising, translation).

There are definitely work solutions out there that will sidestep your specific challenges but you need to find them. Relying on your boyfriend, esp unmarried, is (sadly) most probably not sustainable.

jonglejingle · 26/08/2023 17:29

NumberTheory · 26/08/2023 15:15

It does sound a bit entitled, yes. You’ve been upfront with him, but you haven’t really explained why he should be subsidising you other than vaguely alluding to doing more around the home.

I’m not saying he shouldn’t subsidize you if that’s what you’re both happy with. But to think he ought to subsidize you does sound entitled.

But he doesn't have to, it's his choice.

OP I can empathise with you. I have ADHD (diagnosed) and have worked part time since having DCs. From a practical POV I could now work full time. But I know that I just couldn't cope. Even with reasonable adjustments my job drains me so if I did it full time I'd burn out and likely not work at all. My DH understands and accepts this. He works full time but knows that the mental effort o put into my shorter week is is much greater than he has to put into his longer week. Luckily we are financially stable and I earn a reasonable amount three days a week. But to me working part time is in itself a reasonable adjustment.

Mummy08m · 26/08/2023 17:29

Where I will make a judgement is when I say you don't sound half appreciative enough of your BF. He's your lifeline, don't take him for granted.

jonglejingle · 26/08/2023 17:30

And I wonder what people's responses would be if the OP had a physical disability that meant that she couldn't manage full time hours?

FasciaDreams · 26/08/2023 17:31

Fuckallthewayoff · 26/08/2023 16:14

It’s not necessarily that I think I’m owed it. But I’m upfront about the fact that I cannot contribute financially in a way that others can. I don’t maintain a lifestyle of a full time wage. I live on absolute buttons and accept that I can’t buy myself new clothes or things and get by on the bare minimum.

I cannot afford a private diagnosis or treatment

Being upfront is fair enough but why are you and your DM repeatedly arguing about who support who anyway?
We don't know why she said. On the surface it's none of her business but if, say she is raising concerns that you'd be screwed if he leaves you she is very much correct.

We really don't know.

Vallmo47 · 26/08/2023 17:32

No one is entitled to pass judgment on other people’s life choices OP and I don’t think it’s helpful for you to ask strangers online either, because only you and your partner see the full story. People are so jealous of people who don’t work and very often quite horrible to them- I do not understand this. Sometimes in the past I’ve had to point out to people that I am not claiming any benefits whatsoever, I never treat myself to luxuries and I’m not asking anyone for anything. Even then they share their unwelcome opinions. It’s got nothing to do with them. If you are also encountering people like that I would simply say “Yes I work in XY. You?” and that’s the end of the conversation, no need to include how many hours you do. Honestly people need to butt out of this conversation full stop! We all have reasons why we do what we do and unless I’m asking your advice on it, STFU quite frankly.

Your partner is the only one who is allowed to discuss with you. Yes you were honest up front but that doesn’t mean he can’t get fed up from time to time and worry about money, that’s normal. Maybe he’s hoping one day you could go back to full time work, he’s entitled to feel that.