Entitled AIBU

[Fuckallthewayoff]

Long back story, I apologise. DM likes to make a repeated comment during arguments that I am entitled because I expect my partner to support me financially. And I do, but this is why:

I do not have any diagnosis but I have trained in SEN and it has literally been my job to flag up where I think children need to be referred to the ASD pathway and other concerns like possible ADHD and other causes developmental delay or difficulties. After 10+ years of this I am fairly certain I am on the spectrum, have ADHD and due to the emotional abuse I received from my pre teens to this very day, I also meet all of the criteria for BPD.

I have been failed by my parents, the schools I attended and the NHS. I was a child who slipped through the cracks because I was so good at masking it and the behaviours that weren’t so hidden were made to be other things. I was accused of being lazy but I’d have stayed awake all night using sleep procrastination as a form of self harm. I was called unmotivated even though I’d spend 8+ hours staring at a blank page not knowing why I couldn’t put my intelligence onto a page. I am still called explosive for lashing out when I was so unbearably overstimulated but didn’t know that’s what it was. I grew up to be an adult who can’t hold down a job, has failed relationships because my partners can’t understand why sometimes I can’t bare to be touched even by them, self medicates with alcohol and drugs because it makes my sensory issues easier to handle. I don’t even know what my real personality is because I am so angry and resentful for the abuse I received that my family attempt to gaslight me didn’t happen and all I know is depression and anger and I could never understand why until my realisations that I was neurodivergent. Those are only some examples, I still am coming to terms with what is coming from the true me and what are behaviours caused by being ND.

The NHS advised a 6+ year waiting list for an assessment and then wouldn’t even put me on the list. When I work full time, it’s horrendous. My alcohol and drug usage to cope increases, I am not a nice person as I’m so irritable and burnt out by being in an over stimulating environment all day with no escape and no diagnosis to be entitled to help or any accommodations.

I work part time now and this has helped so much. I can manage a lot better and since meeting my partner I have been honest about why I work part time and he realises that he would have to subsidise what j would be earning if I was FT. AIBU to think this is okay since I was upfront about what I can contribute financially and he is happy with it and understands it’s not laziness? I recently had to cover full time hours in my job after one week of it and seeing the affect it has on me he understood more than ever why I don’t work FT. He also understands that I carry the mental load of household things and organising and agrees I deserve to be compensated for that.

There must be a reason you aren’t on the diagnosis waiting list if it’s this bad and you have attempted suicide 3 times.

Unfortunately, it’s very common for people with BDP to not work with the diagnosis process and I suspect this maybe the case here.

But besides which, that’s not carry mental load for your partner. I am ND, I do get that simple things can be mentally taxing. Though, since he doesn’t work every day, I am sure if this one task is so demanding of you he could go with you or do it himself.

Again, how long have you been with your partner?

Also to add as there seems to be some people who are thinking it. I’m not behaving negative to anyone else. My conditions hurt myself and myself only. I actually have worked very hard to not let my behaviours affect anyone else and manage them better in that regard. I’m not a toxic person to others.

Again, how long have you been with your partner?

Almost 2 years.

So you’re doubling down that there is no mental load in a household with no kids?

Don’t be so superior.

You are not being unreasonable. Please ignore all the horrible ppl on this thread saying otherwise. They clearly have no understanding or experience of living with chronic health problems, mental health or otherwise, or of the damage narcissistic parents can do.

Your parents sound awful. Your partner sounds lovely and understanding. I’m so glad he is supporting you.

It is not remotely “entitled” in a loving partnership for one partner to support the other. Couples with unequal earnings do this all the time. The fact your earnings are less because you are only able to work part time due to your health doesn’t change that. In fact it makes it more reasonable, not less. The arrangement where you take on more of the household load sounds like a good balance.

Good luck with eventually getting a diagnosis and more support. I know the waits are horrific, but worth trying again with GP etc to get a referral

OP, you don't need a diagnosis in order to claim PIP.

Also, there are a lot of ADHD and Autism assessment providers who accept NHS referrals from GPs via the 'Right to Choose' pathway. This is how I was referred, assessed and diagnosed with both.

A lot of areas have a service for people with either suspected or diagnosed BPD (also known as EUPD).

I used to self-medicate with alcohol, as it was the only thing (I believed) that subdued my locomotive of a brain and extreme anxiety. However, I eventually became a belligerent, explosive, abusive arsehole on the stuff. I have been abstinent for quite some time now, luckily for everyone around me.

Unless you've had therapy for your unresolved trauma (both childhood and adulthood), it's likely that you'll stay stuck in the same destructive patterns. No diagnosis miraculously takes away maladaptive coping mechanisms and/or behaviours. We have to do the work on ourselves (consistently).

That's great that you have found a supportive partner, but I don't think anyone SHOULD expect someone to support them; it's lovely if he is able to support you emotionally and financially, but what happens if the relationship ends (untreated/unmanaged BPD and potentially being ND without having had therapeutic support around the latter don't often create the mindset for sustainable relationships)?

Hi Op, I really empathise with you over this - it's so hard to realize in later life that you are Neurodivergent.
Unfortunately I have seen how ablest Mumsnet can be, especially towards those with ADHD so please don't take too much of any negative comments.
At the end of the day you and your partner are who has to decide what works for you, it's no one else's opinion. If working part time and managing the house whilst he works full time works to support you then absolutely you are not being unreasonable. No one would look down on someone with ME or a physical disability working part time - in fact it would probably be seen as a positive thing that they weren't relying on benefits.

I really recommend trying to go low/no contact with your parents whilst you're figuring this out. If in England, also see if you can get support earlier through right to choose with Psychology UK. You're also entitled to reasonable adjustments from work and /or benefits of you qualify even if you don't have an official diagnosis.

Op, you can't use your work knowledge to self-diagnose, it's clearly biased.

If you look for something specific you are convinced fits, you will find it. But usually whilst doing so a whole raft of other stuff gets ignored.

Until you have a diagnosis you are working on biased supposition - and those beliefs are being used to guide your entire life.

You need to request a referral. And stop diagnosing yourself.

How did you finance yourself before you met your partner and can you return to that if you split up?

most of all it does seem like you are blaming others for your mental health and expecting your partner to pick up the pieces financially.

That. You're acting as if it's your DH who owes you something. No, you're not 'entitled' to his support, to make up for what you perceive others as having done to you.

You've not been with him long, yet you seem to expect him to make up to you for what your life has been.

Do you show any gratitude for him subsidising you so early in your relationship? Did you only go part time once you had a partner to help pay for it?

If you're using him as a cash cow, then it's understandable if he's feeling resentful at times

You are an adult, just tell your DM your financial set up with your partner is between you and him and it's private. Why are you even trying to justify and defend yourself? It's none of her business unless you want it to be.

In the similar situation of my close relative (which I appreciate may in fact be different from op but I'm sharing anyway in case it helps her) - my relative relied financially on her mum for most of her adult life so far. Big blown up arguments with huge recriminations about emotional abuse in childhood (in my relative's case I was there, there was no abuse), and she'd go no-contact whenever a supportive boyfriend or temp job came up. Then the BF/job would fall through and the mum would welcome her back, pay her debts, resume her allowance.

I've seen this pattern among a couple of friends as well.

Her (my relative's) diagnoses and MH struggles are real. What wasn't useful or productive was the blame-apportioning, it paralysed her from finding other solutions. Once you're an adult, imo, it's best to just move on as much as you can from blaming your childhood for your misfortunes and instead find sustainable strategies.

In the case of my older relative, he really alienated all his family with his toxic outbursts and manipulation but it didn't matter because he had a sustainable and medium-income full time career that fit around his special needs.

This is what op needs to work towards, imo. It's fruitless to argue with the DM. Once you no longer need her (financially or emotionally) then you won't have to struggle to get on with her any more.

😫

OP I think it's a false economy not to get a diagnosis privately (though can't see why your Gp wouldn't investigate possible BPD, that's their area). If you had medication or even support following a diagnosis you could possibly work more - and could soon pay back the fee - and could also ask for reasonable adjustments as you would have a recognised disability.

You do sound as if nothing is your fault.
You know you have mh problems but you are not addressing them.It is off that a Dr will not add you to a waiting list,can a mh charity help you find a job with more flexible conditions that you can cope with?
You need to think about your financial security now and in the future and push to get yourself diagnosed and offered treatment.
Being angry and unpleasant and having had a horrendous time does not mean that as an adult you do not have to be accountable for yourself.
If you were treated you could look at a fantastic future doing things you love to do as a career.And have a wider social circle where you are not nasty to people if that is an issue now.
Take responsibility for who you are now.

OP you may be better off posting on the Stately Homes thread in relationships.

I understand why you can only work part time. I’m older than you and have raised two ND children with the help of personality disordered mother ….my mental health has been destroyed. And now I have to live with my mum because my tax credits and maintenance have stopped. Imagine that!! It’s absolute torture!!

Unfortunately you’ll probably find that even if you get a diagnosis, you won’t be entitled to PIP. I’ve applied twice and have an nhs diagnosis of Asperger’s. It’s soul destroying. There’s no safety net anymore for people who can’t cope in this system and thousands have committed suicide because of it. (No the government doesn’t publish figures.)

You do need to be careful because the problem with relying on other people is that they have too much power over you and if they have an abusive nature they’ll use that power to control you. You come from an abusive background which means that you’re more likely to be abused as it’s all you’ve known.

That sentence in brackets was for fans of the DWP!

You do need to be careful because the problem with relying on other people is that they have too much power over you and if they have an abusive nature they’ll use that power to control you. You come from an abusive background which means that you’re more likely to be abused as it’s all you’ve known.

This is very true

You don’t necessarily know that. Even my brother has no idea how much my mum has abused me.

Have you heard of flying monkeys? People who the abuser gets onside to help defend them? Maybe you’re one.

If you haven’t been abused yourself then you’ve no right to judge.

@tofutti no idea what your beef is, just because I have a different opinion to you. I'm not being superior at all.

OP has been really clear she does not have the money for private assessment or treatment, and no GP's do not "investigate" suspected BPD.

There is a huge amount of ignorance and blind assumption on this thread regarding the availability and accessibility of specialist mental health treatment on the NHS for the problems that OP is describing.

Sorry, haven’t read any of the replies, but what do you mean by subsidise? As in your partner gives you money? If you don’t live together/ aren’t married I would find this weird and entitled. However, if you live together I don’t see what the problem is - he works full time and you work part time due to aforementioned reasons. Do you not just pool your money together?

I was diagnosed 3 years ago with ADHD, due to extreme executive disfunction and sensory issues amongst other symptoms that i’ve had all my life. I don’t have a job because, like you, they make me miserable and extremely overstimulated. We have a DS6 though, so I guess I could be classed as a SAHM, but he goes to school all day, and I manage the house. My husband is extremely hands on with the house, cooks and spends a lot of time with DS6, he does this naturally but it helps me to have the downtime I need.

What i’m trying to say is, ADHD/ASD etc. can make it extremely hard to hold down a job - so if your partner is okay with being the breadwinner than I don’t see a problem. Being the partner to someone with ADHD is a big undertaking, but I’ve always believed the phrase “if he wanted to, he would”. I don’t know if this applies but I always find “women of a certain age” to be very possessive over their sons - maybe she’s resentful of you / wanted better for her son, not realising that he has made is choice.

Hugs to you, OP. Raw-dogging being neuro-spicy is hardcore. If you ever get a diagnosis, I recommend the medication Elvanse.

I think statistically your parents are more likely to be ND themselves than both be narcs. Whatever their diagnosis though and whatever your diagnosis I don't think it helpful to stay stuck in blame. If you still have to see your parents then do but there is no need for them to know all the ins and outs of your personal finances and work life.if you know how they are then you should know how the conversation goes.

As for the rest of it so long as you are both happy then good for you but I would try and make some type of plan for the long term where I thought of ways/jobs I could do that I could manage because you are leaving yourself very vulnerable.

A label doesn't automatically exempt you from functioning as an adult.

There are legion undiagnosed people who somehow get through life and do "life admin!"

Apportioning blame to those before you is, similarly, not going to help you through life.

So many, many people cope with jobs, children, work and home life who do not have a diagnosis of something when probably they do.

If your partner is happy then it's no one else's business.