Entitled AIBU

[Fuckallthewayoff]

Long back story, I apologise. DM likes to make a repeated comment during arguments that I am entitled because I expect my partner to support me financially. And I do, but this is why:

I do not have any diagnosis but I have trained in SEN and it has literally been my job to flag up where I think children need to be referred to the ASD pathway and other concerns like possible ADHD and other causes developmental delay or difficulties. After 10+ years of this I am fairly certain I am on the spectrum, have ADHD and due to the emotional abuse I received from my pre teens to this very day, I also meet all of the criteria for BPD.

I have been failed by my parents, the schools I attended and the NHS. I was a child who slipped through the cracks because I was so good at masking it and the behaviours that weren’t so hidden were made to be other things. I was accused of being lazy but I’d have stayed awake all night using sleep procrastination as a form of self harm. I was called unmotivated even though I’d spend 8+ hours staring at a blank page not knowing why I couldn’t put my intelligence onto a page. I am still called explosive for lashing out when I was so unbearably overstimulated but didn’t know that’s what it was. I grew up to be an adult who can’t hold down a job, has failed relationships because my partners can’t understand why sometimes I can’t bare to be touched even by them, self medicates with alcohol and drugs because it makes my sensory issues easier to handle. I don’t even know what my real personality is because I am so angry and resentful for the abuse I received that my family attempt to gaslight me didn’t happen and all I know is depression and anger and I could never understand why until my realisations that I was neurodivergent. Those are only some examples, I still am coming to terms with what is coming from the true me and what are behaviours caused by being ND.

The NHS advised a 6+ year waiting list for an assessment and then wouldn’t even put me on the list. When I work full time, it’s horrendous. My alcohol and drug usage to cope increases, I am not a nice person as I’m so irritable and burnt out by being in an over stimulating environment all day with no escape and no diagnosis to be entitled to help or any accommodations.

I work part time now and this has helped so much. I can manage a lot better and since meeting my partner I have been honest about why I work part time and he realises that he would have to subsidise what j would be earning if I was FT. AIBU to think this is okay since I was upfront about what I can contribute financially and he is happy with it and understands it’s not laziness? I recently had to cover full time hours in my job after one week of it and seeing the affect it has on me he understood more than ever why I don’t work FT. He also understands that I carry the mental load of household things and organising and agrees I deserve to be compensated for that.

Sorry OP, my previous comment wasn't particularly directed at you... more to some of the other posters.

Sorry, haven’t read any of the replies, but what do you mean by subsidise? As in your partner gives you money?

No. I pay for the basics to get myself by. Food, hygiene, travel costs for work, very rarely get new clothes but if I do, it’s second hand Vinted/charity shops.

I mean I could not afford exactly half of the rent/bills. So he makes up the distance from what I can pay.

How is his mum getting blamed? Op says it’s her DM. Not MIL

I’ve at no point said my DP is resentful though as some suggest.

Also as for taking accountability for my mental health, I was at the doctors about my mental health the week after I turned 16 and knew it would be confidential from my parents. That was 15 years ago. I have since been back many times a year for help just to get robbed off with anti depressants that don’t treat my sensory issues, black and white thinking, attachment issues, the dissociation and other symptoms. I’m passed off because I unfortunately seem intelligent, coherent and able. But it isn’t the case. Every time I’ve attended hospital, the crisis team say to call the GP the next working day and the cycle continues.

If you’re both happy then it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks.

However most of what you’ve described can be done online (food shop/gift buying) if you find it that overwhelming. I imagine you have a lot of free time. There will not be that much housework to do. But if he’s happy with the arrangement who cares?

I think I’m probably going to leave the thread here as I’m unable to argue with the idea that I need to help myself. This is the stigma people with MH issues face. It’s an illness. You wouldn’t expect any other ill person to manage a long term illness without the help of professionals. Which I’ve attempted to access for almost 2 decades.

And to be honest, my mental health is mostly what I have a handle on. It’s the neurodivergance that is ruining me.

Up to you and your partner. Why does your DM need to know. I would worry if you split though? What then….

I agree. It's all about you and how hard your life is. Other people struggle and just get on as best they can with what they have. Your finances have nothing to do with your mother, but you sound as though you aren't doing anything to help yourself, and maybe she thinks you are taking your partner for granted. Also you appear to be blaming everyone else for what is wrong in your life, which gets rather wearying.

Having paid for a private assessment for a child, I do know how much it costs and it could easily be earned back by being able to work some extra days each month. Plus, OP would feel a lot happier.
I'm not sure who would investigate suspected BPD except a GP? But that it not something I know about, unlike private diagnoses for ADHD.

It's so easy to say 'my parents were narcissistic' and blame all your problems on them.

However, from your comments so far, the shoe seems to be on the other foot. You sound like a narcissist yourself, irrespective of your own personal struggles. It's a very me, me, post. It maybe explains you mother's "entitled" comments.

So, unless your new partner is an absolute saint, you may yet end up on another failed relationship.

Ehh, see this is hard because we don't have all the back story.
Tbh Ist does come accros as s bit of a chip on the shoulder.
As in I've had a hard life, abuse, undiagnosed issues etc, I need you to subside.

I have no problem with one spouse earning more than the other. I mean that happens often, there is loads of stay at home mums/dads out there. Also some people have higher paying jobs than others. I'm principle there's nothing wrong with that.

But to be completely honest, the whole 'I've been up front' thing sounds like you expect and deserve to be financially looked after, you know?
Not the way that a couple structured their household once they have kids, but as a up front, 'this is what I expect out of you for this relationship to work'

I've read your update that said, ' you don't think you're entitled to it, more that you won't be able to contribute as other people could' but I'm still getting the 'I am entitled to it because of my hard life'

I mean I don't think a women who works in Tesco, dating a solicitor
, will make a thread saying she thinks her partner mees to subsidise her as he earns more and she works in Tesco. It's a bit obvious that the higher earner will pay more?

Uhh might I suggest online grocery shopping?

But would your partner not pay for a private diagnosis? Surely it would be cheaper in the long run if you could get a diagnosis, access treatment and be able to work full time? If he's happy to support you financially already it seems like a reasonable ask.

For the food shop - can you not do it online to avoid having to go into the supermarket?

I mean there's no way you'll believe me if you're accusing me of being a flying monkey, but all the abuse I witnessed was in the opposite direction, the dm in that case was the one being constantly bullied by her dd, history being rewritten, the dm being manipulated to pay for all kinds of extravagances in a fog of guilt. Some of it only came out later when I asked to see some of the messages between them and was blown away by how abusive they were. You've probably guessed that the dm is my own dm - she would randomly call me up in tears apologising for something specific that happened in my childhood that my dsis had accused her of and I'd have to say, erm, dm it's fine, stop apologising for random stuff like buying me the wrong size trousers 25y ago (that really happened, dsis really drove our dm to tears a few years back convincing her that she'd been an abusive mother forgetting what size trousers I needed this one time).

Anyway you don't need all this detail... all I'm saying is, it's bafflingly unproductive to dwell constantly on the faults of your mother and your upbringing rather than try and improve your current situation with practical steps. I buy my own trousers now...!

Yes you sound very entitled. From what you have written, it sounds like me but at the end of the day only I am responsible for me not anyone else. What if you split up?
think of yourself and if you can't afford to contribute more, do what others do and get a better job an stop expecting to be supported

Yes you’re being entitled saying that a partner has to subsidise you.

I have diagnosed BPD and I’d never in a million years expect to be subsidised by my husband because of this.

It's so easy to say 'my parents were narcissistic' and blame all your problems on them.

I was threatened every day, squared up to (if you can even call it that when you’re a much smaller child than a grown man), experienced minor violence. Witnessed father breaking things in anger, smashing things against walls. Told I was being sent away constantly. Threatened with violence for spilled drinks, untidy room or accidental breakages. I was a very shy and quiet child who hid in their room constantly to avoid being in the line of fire. So much more and I’m now told by parents none of it happened. But by all means, imply that I shouldn’t blame them for their emotional abuse.

For the food shop - can you not do it online to avoid having to go into the supermarket?

Im unable to do this as I don’t spend anywhere close to the amount needed. Also have to buy a lot of things in the food shop from places like home and bargains.

If it works for you and you've both agreed, fine, it's no-one else's business.

Purely from my opinion, you do sound entitled and like you deserve to be supported, and won't hear anything against it. I am autistic, have ADHD and GAD, and understand a lot of the neverending issues which stem from extremely poor MH and ND. I didn't realise how much of a shitty Jeremy Kyle show my childhood was until my partner literally looked horrified after a few anecdotes and said "that's not normal, parents don't usually DO that". Relationships are never a guarantee, it would be so much more beneficial to figure out how to best cope and support yourself. It is difficult, and all going well it won't be necessary, but it helps in so many ways.

Goodness, this place gets nastier every year. What a shitty, hot mess of a comment to make to someone with MH issues.

I have seen the OP's response and accept that what she went through was not acceptable and no child should live in that atmosphere or be abused.

However, some people with mental health issues can also be narcissists.

I have an adult DS, who has psychosis, is on the Autism spectrum and he is a very, very manipulative. I see him most days and if I miss one I get so, so many calls from him that day trying to emotionally blackmail me into doing what he wants. It is exhausting.

This probably wasn't the best place to post @Fuckallthewayoff , the vipers and snipers will love to pick apart your post, highlight irrelevant things you left out etc.

You certainly sound ND to me - I'd put in a PIP claim if you can face it - you do not need a DX, though it is easier if you have one. I'd also explore the possibility of private DX on the grounds that if you had access to the help you need you may well increase your earning capacity on top of generally being happier, finding life easier to negotiate. Though, in itself, applying for PIP is a mentally and emotionally draining task of course.

I didn't think a DX mattered to me - my partner got a DX (AS, PDA) mostly because I pushed for it and it really helped him but I have myriad other health issues all much more urgent than this, and crucially, I cannot take any of the medication options available for ADHD, so I didn't see the point.

However relatively recently, I could afford to do it privately and... as I suspected, I am AuDHD, some similar issues to DP but with the ADHD on top... It explains so much and it DOES make it easier to ask for help, to say to people 'I need to do x this way because... '

Its not a magic wand mind, for some people it wouldn't matter if you had a neon sign and a letter from the King, they'd decide it doesn't exist/its not a valid reason/you're making excuses etc etc.

This whole post is void of accountability - instead of all the excuses for being all over the shop, get therapy quickly. Even just the NHS local talking ones.

As someone with chronic mental health issues, I was taught that 'mental illness is not a choice, but it is my responsibility' which has helped me alot.

Have you not actually read my posts that said I have sought for NHS therapy? I have tried it but it was beyond their ability to help with the issues I have. They have always said I needed assessment but the GP won’t refer me.

OP, working part time seems to suit both you and your partner. Stuff everyone else's opinions.

Having said that, I think it would do you the world of good to see if you can seek help to address your health issues rather than accepting that this will be your life going forward. A formal diagnosis will help you in so many ways.

Can you change GP?

Are there charity helplines that might guide you through getting a diagnosis?

Can you borrow the money for a private diagnosis?

Can you work out a saving plan so that you can pay for it yourself in x months?

Perhaps working an extra shift every month will raise the money you need by this time next year (sorry, I have absolutely no idea of the cost)?

Make a plan for how to make life easier for yourself. Simply working part time is ok for the moment, but it doesn't give you much quality of life, which you undoubtedly deserve from what you've said about your childhood.

It's £25 minimum for a click and collect shop or around £40 for an online delivery from most supermarkets. Would this really not be an option for a big shop every week - ten days?

If you're spending way under than that on food and household goods for yourself and your partner it sounds like things are incredibly tight, and your life would be a lot more comfortable if you could get some help so that you could work FT.

I am surprised to hear that the NHS are refusing to help at all given you've tried to commit suicide 3 times. I think it would be worth persevering with this, or as I said, see if your partner would help fund a private diagnosis.