Entitled AIBU

[Fuckallthewayoff]

Long back story, I apologise. DM likes to make a repeated comment during arguments that I am entitled because I expect my partner to support me financially. And I do, but this is why:

I do not have any diagnosis but I have trained in SEN and it has literally been my job to flag up where I think children need to be referred to the ASD pathway and other concerns like possible ADHD and other causes developmental delay or difficulties. After 10+ years of this I am fairly certain I am on the spectrum, have ADHD and due to the emotional abuse I received from my pre teens to this very day, I also meet all of the criteria for BPD.

I have been failed by my parents, the schools I attended and the NHS. I was a child who slipped through the cracks because I was so good at masking it and the behaviours that weren’t so hidden were made to be other things. I was accused of being lazy but I’d have stayed awake all night using sleep procrastination as a form of self harm. I was called unmotivated even though I’d spend 8+ hours staring at a blank page not knowing why I couldn’t put my intelligence onto a page. I am still called explosive for lashing out when I was so unbearably overstimulated but didn’t know that’s what it was. I grew up to be an adult who can’t hold down a job, has failed relationships because my partners can’t understand why sometimes I can’t bare to be touched even by them, self medicates with alcohol and drugs because it makes my sensory issues easier to handle. I don’t even know what my real personality is because I am so angry and resentful for the abuse I received that my family attempt to gaslight me didn’t happen and all I know is depression and anger and I could never understand why until my realisations that I was neurodivergent. Those are only some examples, I still am coming to terms with what is coming from the true me and what are behaviours caused by being ND.

The NHS advised a 6+ year waiting list for an assessment and then wouldn’t even put me on the list. When I work full time, it’s horrendous. My alcohol and drug usage to cope increases, I am not a nice person as I’m so irritable and burnt out by being in an over stimulating environment all day with no escape and no diagnosis to be entitled to help or any accommodations.

I work part time now and this has helped so much. I can manage a lot better and since meeting my partner I have been honest about why I work part time and he realises that he would have to subsidise what j would be earning if I was FT. AIBU to think this is okay since I was upfront about what I can contribute financially and he is happy with it and understands it’s not laziness? I recently had to cover full time hours in my job after one week of it and seeing the affect it has on me he understood more than ever why I don’t work FT. He also understands that I carry the mental load of household things and organising and agrees I deserve to be compensated for that.

It’s not ‘ entitled’ to work part time if that’s all you can physically manage.

But if you are pooling resources and sharing finances with your partner, you will both have a lower standard of living than if you worked full time. I don’t get where the ‘subsiding’ comes in.

Apart from working part time, are you taking other steps to look after your well-being?

You can still request an OH assessment at work even when you are waiting for a diagnosis or seeking a different GP to refer you.

I'd have the same response.
The thing is, even if someone with no issues wanted to be supported and not work, and has a partner happy to support that, so what? It's an agreement between two adults. Not anybody else's business.

The key word is 'entitled'. The support is given out of partner's choice. They don't HAVE to, morally, but they agreed to,

I would say a PT woman taking care of kids however is definitely entitled to partner support because she is saving him money! I don't agree with the last line of the OP that she deserves to be compensated for doing household stuff. Again, if her BF agrees that's his choice, not an entitlement.

To be brutally honest, there are nothing but excuses for why you behave the way you do, and I don't think you can blame drug use and volatile behaviour on being ND. If you recognise all of these things, and you are trained in SEN - surely you are the best person to know the tools to help yourself?

It's a difficult one. It could be argued that you are a bit entitled but most of all it does seem like you are blaming others for your mental health and expecting your partner to pick up the pieces financially. We all have agency and I'm wondering what you are doing to improve your health. Meditation? Somatic work? CBT? All available for free online.

Also am I the only one wondering why OP is always arguing with her DM?
@Vallmo47 it's not other people's business to pass judgement but this sounds like there's a massive backstory. The DM isn't just walking up and passing snide comments she's using it in an argument... what argument and why?

Whatever arrangement works for you and your partner is up to you. It's no-one else's business.

However, this stands out to me:

due to the emotional abuse I received from my pre teens to this very day, I also meet all of the criteria for BPD.

Do you really blame your children for your mental health issues? 'Emotional abuse' is a very strong description to use about the behaviour of a young child. Children lack the emotional regulation required to perpetrate genuinely 'abusive' behaviour.

That one sentence does indicate that you have a tendency to blame your problems on other people, even when it isn't reasonable to do so.

Not really sure what you want to achieve here.

I am really surprised no one will even put your forward for a diagnosis of either Autism or BPD if it’s impacting your life so much. I think the accusations of entitlement come from you pursuing no diagnosis and working PT and the expectation that you are financed by someone else.

However, if he is happy with the set up. It’s no one else’s business.

I do wonder how long you have been together. I must admit I am skeptical of a man who gets with someone so vulnerable and is happy to take financial responsibility for them. Especially, if they describe themselves as explosive and so on. And agrees they will do that very early on in a relationship.

whilst its not the subject of the threads, I think you being so financially reliant on someone is worrisome. What happens when/if he changes his mind?

How do you afford to live if he leaves? Benefits won’t be very helpful if you have no diagnosis.

No, op means when she herself was a pre-teen. Ie she blames her parents/mum for her condition.

My two close relatives mentioned upthread do the exact same. But in reality it's most likely entirely genetic.

Ah, OK, I get it. The sentence was a bit ambiguous but makes more sense if she's blaming emotional abuse that started when she was pre-teen.

Although if there are no children involved, this makes even less sense:

He also understands that I carry the mental load of household things and organising and agrees I deserve to be compensated for that.

Two adults living together doesn't generate that much "household mental load", unless one of them really is utterly bone idle.

Also mental load when no kids are involved doesn't seem to make much sense to me.

As a pp said you should have the tools to deal with your MH issues with or without a diagnosis.

You're completely misunderstood what the OP meant there...

Yes, I know - see upthread.

For the replies saying why is there so much arguing with my parents - as I said I have been emotionally abused. My parents are narcissistic, they will argue with me regardless. I was a bright, talented child with lots of interests and hobbies. None of it was ever quite good enough, no matter how well I did with things, in their eyes I could have always done better. It beat any motivation to pursue my talents as I was made to think I’d still never be good enough.

I also don’t expect my partner to completely support me as if I have his children. I do everything I am able to. I will always pick up extra shifts that are short and within my capabilities.

I have had many a mental health crisis From becoming so overwhelmed by work and life. I have tried to commit suicide 3 times.

If I had a diagnosis, I’d be able to access financial help such as PIP and then it wouldn’t be questioned so much. But with the NHS not being interested, the world perceives me as able. Even my own parents, who refuse to believe me about my mental health problems as that would mean they had to admit they caused them

The position in the OP isn’t about whether it’s okay for her partner to choose to do this, which I agree is probably fine. It’s about whether OP is entitled to expect her partner to subsidise her. And yes, I think that’s pretty entitled.

Seems like having nothing to do with your parents would be a good step. You describe them as awful, why keep seeing them?

Also mental load when no kids are involved doesn't seem to make much sense to me.

My partner works nights. So food shop, house keeping, arranging social time, gift buying, all that falls to me. Which is fine. But going to do a food shop is a very big task for me. I get incredibly overwhelmed and over stimulated. The lights, the people, the noise. All that causes disorientation from the task I’m doing. Then I feel sick, then I feel faint. Then I’m at full capacity and just need to leave. It is a mental load to me.

For the replies saying why is there so much arguing with my parents - as I said I have been emotionally abused. My parents are narcissistic, they will argue with me regardless.

So go no contact then?

You have agency here.

I don’t think you’re entitled, but are doing what’s best for you both in your relationship.

Hiwever, I’m not sure anyone owes you compensation for your issues.

The NHS advised a 6+ year waiting list for an assessment and then wouldn’t even put me on the list.

Did they explain why they weren't putting you on the list? If you have genuinely attempted suicide more than once, you should be high priority for support/assessment.

(I appreciate mental health in the NHS is a bit of a lottery, but even so it sounds like you'd be high priority.)

It's up to you and your other half but does sound slightly. How you cope if you split up. Just something to think of if you argue so much with his mother. Can you pay for private diagnosis. What do you gain by being diagnosed

If your partner is happy to subsidise you then it's fine.
But be aware that it is somewhat unfair.

You really need therapy.

What bullshit. No everything needs to be judged through the prism of parenthood.

There absolutely is mental load in a household of just a couple.

Some really judgemental views on this thread.

OP, do what works for you and ignore people here telling you you need to do more.

I would love to but there are young children in the family I would lose contact with if I did that and they are not yet old enough to be able to maintain a relationship if I didn’t have contact with my family. I’m not able to close of my relationship to those children.

@tofutti no its not BS imo. Don't be so rude.