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Original poster

Lost connection with my kids since working full time

91 replies

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 12:06

I went back to work 6 months ago and had a huge promotion last week. Me and DH agreed that it’s probably best for me to go work full time as I should be able to climb up in my career so I have done that and he took a part time job 12 hrs a week.

However I have just found that I have kind of lost that motherlyness in me. I love my kids and I look forward to the weekends with them. But previously I was much more hands on and fussing over them.

I have found that they go to their dad now more for things. DH has been using it against me now that I’m a terrible mum and I don’t even parent anymore “when’s the last time you cooked a dinner”.

It’s hard because I’m earning more than ever now and I can give my kids a much better life I’m not constantly worrying about ooh can I afford that.But then evenings I’m shattered and the weekends go so fast.

am I messing up here? I don’t know :(

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 26/08/2023 12:07

You have a DH problem, not a work problem

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 26/08/2023 12:10

CandyLeBonBon · 26/08/2023 12:07

You have a DH problem, not a work problem

Yes 100%

PinkPlantCase · 26/08/2023 12:11

CandyLeBonBon · 26/08/2023 12:07

You have a DH problem, not a work problem

This

continentallentil · 26/08/2023 12:12

CandyLeBonBon · 26/08/2023 12:07

You have a DH problem, not a work problem

Yep.

Has he always been a dick or is it a recent thing?

Bookish88 · 26/08/2023 12:15

He's working 12 hours a week? I should bloody well hope you're not cooking him dinner.

Crunchingleaf · 26/08/2023 12:16

Your DH is the problem here.

Was he always like this or is he missing work.

I am on maternity leave so it’s me cooking dinner right now.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/08/2023 12:18

When I have maternal guilt, I ask myself if the average father feels this way?

Working to provide for your children is good parenting.

Your partner sounds like a dick. Surely him doing to lion's share of the parenting was part of the deal with him working only a few hours? 12 hours a week is not much at all.

StJulian2023 · 26/08/2023 12:19

Bookish88 · 26/08/2023 12:15

He's working 12 hours a week? I should bloody well hope you're not cooking him dinner.

This

Original poster
Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 12:19

No I still cook dinner or get a takeaway if I’m too knackered. But he does all the washing and I clean when I can but it’s not good enough for him ideally he would like me to be like his mum but his mum never worked full time.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 26/08/2023 12:22

You have a serious problem, and that is your husband. Not the fact you’re working full-time.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 26/08/2023 12:22

How old are the children? Washing and 12 hours a week of work isn't enough, but surely you don't need me to tell you that.

I work 21 hours and when DS starts school I reckon 5 nights of 7 I'll cook and I'll do 80% of the housework because I have a full day off.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 12:22

Your DH is a dickhead.

ReluctantFishLady · 26/08/2023 12:24

He called you a terrible Mum? That's awful! He should be supporting you in this transition and should understand that it is difficult to adjust to this mutually agreed situation.

You don't say how old the kids are but if they aren't in school and he has them all day I imagine it is a tough adjustment for him too, and perhaps you should consider doing some meals at the weekend.

Wishitsnows · 26/08/2023 12:25

Why is your DH only working 12 hours a week? When you were home more did you give your DH constant digs that he was a terrible father? Sounds like he is jealous of your success and an asshole of a DH

Original poster
Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 12:26

StJulian2023 · 26/08/2023 12:21

100% he was so happy for me last week after my promotion then yesterday and this morning he’s like oh you think your something special now don’t you. I don’t know how you got promoted you can’t do anything at home.

I treated myself to a pricey watch yesterday just as a pat on the back to myself and he was saying I was erratic and a show off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 12:28

DS 6 DD5 and DS1 so both at school he is just at home with DS1 throughout the day and I am sorry but it’s a breeze.

OP posts:
babbi · 26/08/2023 12:29

I’d be getting rid of your DH and getting childcare in place to be honest.
His attitude is appalling and you don’t need that negativity in your life .
congratulations on the job and good luck with your career .

kalokagathos · 26/08/2023 12:30

He is jealous of you now and cannot hide it. On top, he is a cheap shot, cannot hide his jealousy, and lowers himself even more by belittling you to make sure you are not too happy with yourself. I do not know how you fix it but he is not a big person and this can fester

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/08/2023 12:32

How old are the children. I believe the usual advice is when they are at home time should be spent looking after them, when they are at nursery or in school then that time should be spent on household chores and life admin. When you are home everything should be 50/50

Goodadvice1980 · 26/08/2023 12:33

I don’t like the sound of your “D”H 🙄

Nepmarthiturn · 26/08/2023 12:34

StJulian2023 · 26/08/2023 12:21

Lol. If so, he needs to get over his misogynism.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/08/2023 12:35

Meant to add, he certainly shouldn't be calling you names and making you feel bad for working

Nepmarthiturn · 26/08/2023 12:38

100% he was so happy for me last week after my promotion then yesterday and this morning he’s like oh you think your something special now don’t you. I don’t know how you got promoted you can’t do anything at home.

I treated myself to a pricey watch yesterday just as a pat on the back to myself and he was saying I was erratic and a show off.

So your own husband is negging you? He sounds sexist, thoroughly unpleasant, emotionally immature (hence lashing out at you about his own perceived inadequacies and wanting to take you down rather than work as a team and celebrate your success), unable to express his own feelings or resolve conflicts in a healthy way... and also lazy, to be working so little and yet moaning that you should do more at home. I would lose all respect for someone like that.

I'd divorce him before him being the main carer becomes an established status quo. Enjoy your new salary without someone trying to trash your self-esteem and hire a nanny/ housekeeper instead.

CovertMumTum · 26/08/2023 12:39

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 12:26

100% he was so happy for me last week after my promotion then yesterday and this morning he’s like oh you think your something special now don’t you. I don’t know how you got promoted you can’t do anything at home.

I treated myself to a pricey watch yesterday just as a pat on the back to myself and he was saying I was erratic and a show off.

Show quote history

He's jealous! Jealous of your success and being really unsupportive. Thisnisnhis problem but it does need resolved before it erodes yours relationship. Congratulations on the promotion by the way 👏

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