Page 4 | Lost connection with my kids since working full time

Neveregudenough · 2023-08-26T11:06:02+00:00

I went back to work 6 months ago and had a huge promotion last week. Me and DH agreed that it’s probably best for me to go work full time as I should be able to climb up in my career so I have done that and he took a part time job 12 hrs a week. However I have just found that I have kind of lost that motherlyness in me. I love my kids and I look forward to the weekends with them. But previously I was much more hands on and fussing over them. I have found that they go to their dad now more for things. DH has been using it against me now that I’m a terrible mum and I don’t even parent anymore “when’s the last time you cooked a dinner”. It’s hard because I’m earning more than ever now and I can give my kids a much better life I’m not constantly worrying about ooh can I afford that.But then evenings I’m shattered and the weekends go so fast. am I messing up here? I don’t know :(

suckrifice · 30/08/2023 12:52

@WarOnTheSlugs Spot on.

And try working in a nursery I say. 😂

Goldbar · 31/08/2023 05:50

WarOnTheSlugs · 30/08/2023 01:46

How do you think lone parents clean their house then, if one parent must "supervise the kids" while one cleans? What nonsense. You just get on with it and the kid comes around with you wherever you are if too small to be left alone. I guess this is how people convince themselves that "life admin" and cleaning and cooking plus caring for a child is a full time job: total inability to multitask. It's actually good for kids to be involved in normal, everyday activities if life like shopping and cleaning and hanging clothes and do it with you (although that obviously means it takes slightly longer 🤣). The idea that you can't do both at once is utter nonsense.

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I'm used to multitasking, thank you - I work, have a baby and school-age child and do the majority of the household stuff. So I'm quite aware of what you can and cannot achieve with small children about, especially if you're also trying to work without childcare and take the little one to music class/baby groups and get them out of the house each day so they're not just stuck inside watching you clean. If they offered degrees for 'Entertaining Your Baby While Doing Mundane Household Tasks', I'd have a masters: 'And this is a fork. One fork, two forks, three forks. And that's a sock. A blue sock. Oh no, only one blue sock! Poor sock, shall we look for the other one?' Been there (well, still there, actually), got the t-shirt. And there's a reason why we don't expect nannies to do all the housework alongside interacting with and caring for young children.

There are two parents here and when not at work they should be working as a team. There are lots of tasks around the house which are more safely and easily done without children or mobile babies around (especially when bleach is involved), so it makes sense for the parent who doesn't see the kids much during the week to spend time with them while the parent who is at home more gets on with them. It's not about what they can or cannot do, it's just working together as a family. Cleaning is so much more pleasant if you can just plug your headphones in and get on with it without tiny moving encumbrances. Of course I can and have shoved my baby in the playpen or high chair for 20 minutes while I deep clean the bathroom 🙄. But strangely enough I prefer their other parent, who sees them less during the week, to play with them or take them out to the park.

The problem here appears to be that expectations on both sides are hugely out of whack and both partners appear to resent the other. The OP's husband seems to think she should both be working and doing the full SAH role, which is clearly bonkers. Whereas she seems to resent him not working more when there's a mobile baby at home to be cared for, he's already cramming in work around the baby and there's all the stuff for the older ones (school run, homework, activities etc.) to be done as well. They need to have a sensible discussion about roles and responsibilities, which includes a plan to have childcare for the baby in place if her DH is working and her DH stepping up with cooking/cleaning and other chores so she can spend more time with the kids in the evening and at weekends.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 31/08/2023 06:09

StupidCupidKeepsOnCallinMe · 26/08/2023 15:02

It's emasculating for a lot of men to be the stay at home parent and he probably regrets his decision and is lashing out.

The only way he can fix this is for him to go back full time and you get childcare so you can both work. Sorry if that opinion upsets people but by nature men are providers and now he's being provided for and it doesn't feel right for him.

With regards to losing connection with your kids, is the extra money worth it? Do you feel happy with the current set up or were you happier when you were more involved? It seems to me that both of you would be happier if you switched roles back to before. If that's not an option then speak to your husband and see how you can both make things better.

Nah, he’s only working 12 hours because he’s lazy and hates working - he’s not a provider at all. But he’s jealous of OP’s success and doesn’t want her to feel good about herself.

Hopelesscynic · 31/08/2023 06:14

miserablebitch · 26/08/2023 13:37

So your dh is a SAHD @Neveregudenough
You think looking after your youngest DC is a breeze, but as you’re shattered in the evenings, your DH is likely having to do all the homework, bedtimes etc. with your older DCs as well.

I actually think you’re jealous (I would probably be the same), that your DCs turn to their father now instead of you, as he is the default parent. Maybe you need to re-look at the status quo, as it doesn’t seem to be working and you and DH are beginning to resent each other.

To be honest, if this had been the other way round and you were the SAHM, everyone on here would be saying that your DH wasn’t pulling his weight and should be doing more with the DCs and about the house, once he was home from work. Mumsnet’s usual double standards!

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Haha, so true @miserablebitch
OP, I don't think you're much better than your husband to be honest as you've no respect for the work involved in looking after the kids. You go and buy yourself a pricey watch, if a mumsnet DH did this he'd be crucified for not discussing with wife as it's considered family money, or for not getting her a 'treat' of similar value.

Feelinglow27 · 31/08/2023 06:16

Shocked by this. Why on earth sre both of you expecting you to still cook the dinners? Come on OP you must know this should be down to him, at least in the week.

He sounds like a right loser. No wonder you feel disconnected from your kids, your running round like a blue-arsed fly while he sits on his last ass.

RantyAnty · 31/08/2023 06:56

Nothing worse than a jealous lazy petty man.

Hobbitfeet32 · 31/08/2023 07:02

So do we all agree then that SAHP should also be working more than 12 hours per week.

if this was the other way round the answers would be quite different.

Hobbitfeet32 · 31/08/2023 07:05

Sorry I meant SAHMs

DryHair · 31/08/2023 07:14

‘DH has been using it against me now that I’m a terrible mum and I don’t even parent anymore “when’s the last time you cooked a dinner”.’

Regardless of anything else, I could not forgive this attitude. He is a resentful jealous dick.

Promise me, you will never ever give up work.

DryHair · 31/08/2023 07:20

StupidCupidKeepsOnCallinMe · 26/08/2023 15:02

It's emasculating for a lot of men to be the stay at home parent and he probably regrets his decision and is lashing out.

The only way he can fix this is for him to go back full time and you get childcare so you can both work. Sorry if that opinion upsets people but by nature men are providers and now he's being provided for and it doesn't feel right for him.

With regards to losing connection with your kids, is the extra money worth it? Do you feel happy with the current set up or were you happier when you were more involved? It seems to me that both of you would be happier if you switched roles back to before. If that's not an option then speak to your husband and see how you can both make things better.

‘The only way he can fix this is for him to go back full time and you get childcare so you can both work. Sorry if that opinion upsets people but by nature men are providers and now he's being provided for and it doesn't feel right for him.

With regards to losing connection with your kids, is the extra money worth it? Do you feel happy with the current set up or were you happier when you were more involved? It seems to me that both of you would be happier if you switched roles back to before.’

Gross. Sexiest people like you keep the gender pay gap and inequality going.

DryHair · 31/08/2023 07:22

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 15:09

With my promotion I will be dropping a day so I will have 3 days with them now. I just feel fed up of having someone in my head all the time. If he wants to work more hours and make more money he can his work has tons of over time. He chooses not to work to anymore hours because he hates working and that’s the truth.

Lots of people are lazy. Men and women use the sahp role to get out of going to work but don’t admit it.

Maray1967 · 31/08/2023 07:32

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 15:09

With my promotion I will be dropping a day so I will have 3 days with them now. I just feel fed up of having someone in my head all the time. If he wants to work more hours and make more money he can his work has tons of over time. He chooses not to work to anymore hours because he hates working and that’s the truth.

So throw that straight back at him. Well, you can’t even work more than 12 hours - some provider you are.

Petty, yes, but he needs it. Stand up for yourself.

bigageap · 31/08/2023 07:38

miserablebitch · 26/08/2023 13:37

So your dh is a SAHD @Neveregudenough
You think looking after your youngest DC is a breeze, but as you’re shattered in the evenings, your DH is likely having to do all the homework, bedtimes etc. with your older DCs as well.

I actually think you’re jealous (I would probably be the same), that your DCs turn to their father now instead of you, as he is the default parent. Maybe you need to re-look at the status quo, as it doesn’t seem to be working and you and DH are beginning to resent each other.

To be honest, if this had been the other way round and you were the SAHM, everyone on here would be saying that your DH wasn’t pulling his weight and should be doing more with the DCs and about the house, once he was home from work. Mumsnet’s usual double standards!

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This!

i cant believe how many hypocrites there are on MN. it the roles were reversed people would be saying the second DH walks through the door he needs to take up childcare!!

TheMoth · 31/08/2023 08:06

bigageap · 31/08/2023 07:38

This!

i cant believe how many hypocrites there are on MN. it the roles were reversed people would be saying the second DH walks through the door he needs to take up childcare!!

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But usually that's because the sahm is usually chief Cook and bottle washer too. In this case, she comes home from work and still does cooking and cleaning.

He works 12 hours a week. At busy times, I can easily do that at a weekend after a full week in work. He's a lazy bastard.

MrsBinx · 31/08/2023 08:09

I would ditch the man baby husband and spend the money you’re wasting accommodating and feeding him on getting help around the home so you can spend more quality time with the children.

SkankingWombat · 31/08/2023 08:32

You are both struggling to adjust, not supporting each other and actually being quite horrid to the other.
A big sitdown is required. You need to be kinder and listen to each other, but also readjust the housework to fit your new set up. It makes sense, for instance, for the person who is home to do the cooking (and meal plan and shop, so they know they have everything they need and it fits around their schedule of school runs and extra curriculars) does that job. It is then also fair that the working parent washes up after the meal.

The watch: it is fine to get this as your reward for your hard work, but your success was also due in part to your DH making it possible with his labour. I don't think you are recognising that. Also, as a team, the money you earn is 'family money', so any large purchases should be discussed. In our household, when DH gets a bonus or pay rise, we discuss what to spend it on. It is never just on him, and usually is something nice for the whole family. Sometimes it might be something just for him like a watch as well as a similar-value thing for me.