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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost connection with my kids since working full time

91 replies

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 12:06

I went back to work 6 months ago and had a huge promotion last week. Me and DH agreed that it’s probably best for me to go work full time as I should be able to climb up in my career so I have done that and he took a part time job 12 hrs a week.

However I have just found that I have kind of lost that motherlyness in me. I love my kids and I look forward to the weekends with them. But previously I was much more hands on and fussing over them.

I have found that they go to their dad now more for things. DH has been using it against me now that I’m a terrible mum and I don’t even parent anymore “when’s the last time you cooked a dinner”.

It’s hard because I’m earning more than ever now and I can give my kids a much better life I’m not constantly worrying about ooh can I afford that.But then evenings I’m shattered and the weekends go so fast.

am I messing up here? I don’t know :(

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 26/08/2023 14:24

100% he was so happy for me last week after my promotion then yesterday and this morning he’s like oh you think your something special now don’t you. I don’t know how you got promoted you can’t do anything at home.

I treated myself to a pricey watch yesterday just as a pat on the back to myself and he was saying I was erratic and a show off.

He’s a small minded and insecure bellend and he’s jealous because you out earn him.

Fuck being told you are a bad mum by anyone when you are providing for your child.

What does he bring to your life? I would leave tbh.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/08/2023 14:27

Keep the job, lose the husband.

Ylvamoon · 26/08/2023 14:28

StJulian2023 · 26/08/2023 12:21

🤣🤣🤣

AnneAnon · 26/08/2023 14:33

Hm, agree he sounds jealous but there are a good few comments on this thread that wouldn’t be made if we were talking about a SAHM.

“ask him when he last paid a bill” - can you imagine?

Also maybe I’ve misunderstood but if you do most of the cooking why is he asking when you last cooked a meal? I mean either you have or you haven’t surely?

Original poster
Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 14:48

When I was a SAHM I made proper full on dinners and would cook for hours and now I will just come in and slap something in quick. I don’t do all the extras anymore! So he won’t class it as a proper dinner. So that’s what he means.

OP posts:
Iwantmyoldnameback · 26/08/2023 14:53

He was happy with your promotion, you treated yourself to an expensive gift, he got the hump. I wonder what his attitude would have been if you'd bought something for the family?

Bookish88 · 26/08/2023 14:53

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 14:48

When I was a SAHM I made proper full on dinners and would cook for hours and now I will just come in and slap something in quick. I don’t do all the extras anymore! So he won’t class it as a proper dinner. So that’s what he means.

Honestly OP, life is too short. I appreciate it sounds flippant and is easier said than done in reality, but it isn't going to get any better and in your shoes I'd be leaving him.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/08/2023 14:58

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 14:48

When I was a SAHM I made proper full on dinners and would cook for hours and now I will just come in and slap something in quick. I don’t do all the extras anymore! So he won’t class it as a proper dinner. So that’s what he means.

Why can't he do it instead? He has more time than you do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2023 15:00

suckrifice · 26/08/2023 13:43

@miserablebitch I don’t think anyone needs to be a sahp to a 5 and 6-year old and work 12 hrs only. But I’m from a country where it’s equal and don’t know anyone who is a sahp. Most people want to contribute to society (and have a pension) and would be bored out of their brains staying at home all day.

There’s a one year old you’ve forgotten about

StupidCupidKeepsOnCallinMe · 26/08/2023 15:02

It's emasculating for a lot of men to be the stay at home parent and he probably regrets his decision and is lashing out.

The only way he can fix this is for him to go back full time and you get childcare so you can both work. Sorry if that opinion upsets people but by nature men are providers and now he's being provided for and it doesn't feel right for him.

With regards to losing connection with your kids, is the extra money worth it? Do you feel happy with the current set up or were you happier when you were more involved? It seems to me that both of you would be happier if you switched roles back to before. If that's not an option then speak to your husband and see how you can both make things better.

Original poster
Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 15:09

With my promotion I will be dropping a day so I will have 3 days with them now. I just feel fed up of having someone in my head all the time. If he wants to work more hours and make more money he can his work has tons of over time. He chooses not to work to anymore hours because he hates working and that’s the truth.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 26/08/2023 15:25

StupidCupidKeepsOnCallinMe · 26/08/2023 15:02

It's emasculating for a lot of men to be the stay at home parent and he probably regrets his decision and is lashing out.

The only way he can fix this is for him to go back full time and you get childcare so you can both work. Sorry if that opinion upsets people but by nature men are providers and now he's being provided for and it doesn't feel right for him.

With regards to losing connection with your kids, is the extra money worth it? Do you feel happy with the current set up or were you happier when you were more involved? It seems to me that both of you would be happier if you switched roles back to before. If that's not an option then speak to your husband and see how you can both make things better.

Is it nature? Or is it the fact that we live in an incredibly sexist society where it's ingrained in us all from such a young age. Boys grow up thinking they must be 'providers' and girls grow up thinking they must be the 'carers'.

Some men are also just dicks. I earn more than my husband and he would never 'lash out' at me like OP's did.

R4ID · 26/08/2023 15:28

It doesn’t sound like you are giving them a better life though, it sounds like you are too exhausted (understandably) to spend much quality time with them? Some jobs really do take it out of you. You need to have a proper clear conversation with your DH as his passive aggressive comments are not helpful. Hope you can find the balance you want.

Freezyfairy · 26/08/2023 15:35

The same happen to me I'm 3 years into full time he completely twisted kids against me to the point that now they teenagers and hate me. I don't think I have any chance to fix this sytuation and he is jealous of me working and doing well. But if I don't work he won't support me financially. Only one way is to walk out which is hard for me because I don't know if my kids ever will come to me.

Mariposa26 · 26/08/2023 15:45

Your husband is jealous and sounds awful.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/08/2023 16:13

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 15:09

With my promotion I will be dropping a day so I will have 3 days with them now. I just feel fed up of having someone in my head all the time. If he wants to work more hours and make more money he can his work has tons of over time. He chooses not to work to anymore hours because he hates working and that’s the truth.

Lazy and spiteful and disloyal.

I'd be leaving for my mental health. Teens will follow you when they see his true ability to (not) provide for him.

Gcsunnyside23 · 26/08/2023 22:46

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 14:48

When I was a SAHM I made proper full on dinners and would cook for hours and now I will just come in and slap something in quick. I don’t do all the extras anymore! So he won’t class it as a proper dinner. So that’s what he means.

Ask him does he want to do the meals and you can do clean up or something?
I think the tone of the thread responses would be very different if the genders were reversed.
You might say your youngest is a breeze but 6 mths has passed and the 1year old may no longer be a breeze or he's playing up for his dad. Your husband is adjusting too just like you. You're feeling low because you're missing out on the kids but he's feeling low as he might feel Inadequate e.g not financially contributing like he once did. Neither if you sound respectful of changes for the other

miserablebitch · 27/08/2023 10:30

suckrifice · 26/08/2023 13:43

@miserablebitch I don’t think anyone needs to be a sahp to a 5 and 6-year old and work 12 hrs only. But I’m from a country where it’s equal and don’t know anyone who is a sahp. Most people want to contribute to society (and have a pension) and would be bored out of their brains staying at home all day.

I agree nobody needs to be a SAHP to a 5 and 6 year old, though some parents do.

However, there is also a DS who is 1, which you appear to have missed….“he is just at home with DS1 throughout the day”

suckrifice · 27/08/2023 10:42

@miserablebitch yeah, I did miss that actually. Thanks.

Jibo · 27/08/2023 10:47

You're not messing up with the kids but be careful. He is now the lower earner and primary carer. Might be worth spending some of your pay rise on legal advice...

GreenClock · 27/08/2023 10:59

Tell him that you’ll cook more dinners when he at least doubles his hours and salary.

Why are you cleaning? He works 12 hours and has just one child at home. He should be doing it.

Childcare at weekends and evenings should be 50:50 but he should be doing the housework.

You need to be more robust with this lazy man.

Goldbar · 27/08/2023 11:57

I agree that there are double standards on this thread. For a start, the school day isn't very long so a lot of the time there are 3 kids at home. A large chunk of the day will be doing the school run or getting ready for it.

Secondly, OP hasn't said whether there is childcare in place for the 12 hours her H works. If he's working around the baby, that's a miserable existence.

I would not expect a SAHP with a toddler to do all the housework. I would expect them to get some stuff done as they go. But primarily the focus would be on doing things with the toddler. Actual thorough cleaning should be shared at weekends, while one parent can supervise the kids.

They both have unrealistic expectations of the other here - if things are going to work, they need to work together to give each other a break so their children get the best of both of them.

WarOnTheSlugs · 30/08/2023 01:39

StupidCupidKeepsOnCallinMe · 26/08/2023 15:02

It's emasculating for a lot of men to be the stay at home parent and he probably regrets his decision and is lashing out.

The only way he can fix this is for him to go back full time and you get childcare so you can both work. Sorry if that opinion upsets people but by nature men are providers and now he's being provided for and it doesn't feel right for him.

With regards to losing connection with your kids, is the extra money worth it? Do you feel happy with the current set up or were you happier when you were more involved? It seems to me that both of you would be happier if you switched roles back to before. If that's not an option then speak to your husband and see how you can both make things better.

🤣🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

Might want to tuck in that misogynism or you'll trip over it.

WarOnTheSlugs · 30/08/2023 01:42

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 15:09

With my promotion I will be dropping a day so I will have 3 days with them now. I just feel fed up of having someone in my head all the time. If he wants to work more hours and make more money he can his work has tons of over time. He chooses not to work to anymore hours because he hates working and that’s the truth.

Seriously, what is the point of this?

He doesn't make you happy.

He's not pulling his weight at home. He is lazy.

He shows you no respect or love.

You provide the vast majority of the finances.

Just bin him and move on. Life as a single parent is WAY better than this, especially when you have a good career and can provide for yourself and the children.

WarOnTheSlugs · 30/08/2023 01:46

Goldbar · 27/08/2023 11:57

I agree that there are double standards on this thread. For a start, the school day isn't very long so a lot of the time there are 3 kids at home. A large chunk of the day will be doing the school run or getting ready for it.

Secondly, OP hasn't said whether there is childcare in place for the 12 hours her H works. If he's working around the baby, that's a miserable existence.

I would not expect a SAHP with a toddler to do all the housework. I would expect them to get some stuff done as they go. But primarily the focus would be on doing things with the toddler. Actual thorough cleaning should be shared at weekends, while one parent can supervise the kids.

They both have unrealistic expectations of the other here - if things are going to work, they need to work together to give each other a break so their children get the best of both of them.

How do you think lone parents clean their house then, if one parent must "supervise the kids" while one cleans? What nonsense. You just get on with it and the kid comes around with you wherever you are if too small to be left alone. I guess this is how people convince themselves that "life admin" and cleaning and cooking plus caring for a child is a full time job: total inability to multitask. It's actually good for kids to be involved in normal, everyday activities if life like shopping and cleaning and hanging clothes and do it with you (although that obviously means it takes slightly longer 🤣). The idea that you can't do both at once is utter nonsense.