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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lost connection with my kids since working full time

91 replies

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 12:06

I went back to work 6 months ago and had a huge promotion last week. Me and DH agreed that it’s probably best for me to go work full time as I should be able to climb up in my career so I have done that and he took a part time job 12 hrs a week.

However I have just found that I have kind of lost that motherlyness in me. I love my kids and I look forward to the weekends with them. But previously I was much more hands on and fussing over them.

I have found that they go to their dad now more for things. DH has been using it against me now that I’m a terrible mum and I don’t even parent anymore “when’s the last time you cooked a dinner”.

It’s hard because I’m earning more than ever now and I can give my kids a much better life I’m not constantly worrying about ooh can I afford that.But then evenings I’m shattered and the weekends go so fast.

am I messing up here? I don’t know :(

OP posts:

Iwantmyoldnameback · 26/08/2023 12:40

What would the hive mind say about a man treating himself to an expensive watch?

CovertMumTum · 26/08/2023 12:42

Iwantmyoldnameback · 26/08/2023 12:40

What would the hive mind say about a man treating himself to an expensive watch?

Assuming there were no financial issues within the family, it'd say, 'Well deserved! Congrats on the promotion'.

Nepmarthiturn · 26/08/2023 12:47

@CovertMumTum exactly.

JE17 · 26/08/2023 12:48

DH sounds like a shit. He needs to get on board with being the main caregiver/ home maker.
When my DC were small, DH stayed home, ran the household and dealt with all DC related topics. Never once did he make me feel like your DH is. What really surprised me was the attitude of some men at work who asked me how my DH coped with me earning the money and not providing for himself. I was shocked as it seemed like such an old fashioned attitude but clearly there's some men out there who still think like that.
Congratulations on your promotion.

Mamai90 · 26/08/2023 12:49

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/08/2023 12:32

How old are the children. I believe the usual advice is when they are at home time should be spent looking after them, when they are at nursery or in school then that time should be spent on household chores and life admin. When you are home everything should be 50/50

I agree with this. I don't have time to do housework when at home all day as my toddler doesn't nap and we are usually out anyway.

I do my housework in the evening when she goes to bed. My DH cooks dinner every night even though he's working full time. If I'm being honest he gets more relaxing time in the evening because I do bath and bedtime while he gets things sorted for work the next day. Then when he sits down to relax I spend an hour cleaning. But I'm happy with our arrangement. I do every night wake up too, even if its the weekend. I always have.

Obviously things will be different when she starts school but by that time I should be back to work part time anyway.

UsingChangeofName · 26/08/2023 12:50

Haven't voted as can't work out which way round it is.
Clearly YANBU to work. Therefore YABU to doubt yourself.

Have to agree with all the first posts. The issue here is your "D"H, not your career.

Step5678 · 26/08/2023 12:53

Agree with all the other PPs re your husband. But your original post was about the connection you feel to your children... if you take your husband's nastiness out of the equation, do you genuinely feel you have lost some of that connection? Or is it just his negativity making you doubt yourself?

Silvers11 · 26/08/2023 12:55

CandyLeBonBon · 26/08/2023 12:07

You have a DH problem, not a work problem

This - in spades. He's only working 12 hours and now appears to be resentful about how much he needs to do in the house/with the kids

Nepmarthiturn · 26/08/2023 12:55

He's working 12 hours per week. He should be able to do all cleaning, "life admin" and household chores, meal planning etc etc in the remaining time while OP is working. Then care if the children will obviously be shared jointly the rest if the time, OP is actually missing the time with her kids so it's not like she's buggering off all weekend cycling or golfing or whatever and leaving him to it when she is not working. 🤣

Goldbar · 26/08/2023 12:56

Taking a step back...

I think you're both doing each other down a bit.

Of course he will be seeing the kids more and doing more for them if you're working FT and long hours, so his comments to you are unfair.

But I think you're being unfair to say things are a breeze for him. He's got one little one at home the whole time, who presumably he has to watch like a hawk, and the school day is not very long so presumably he has pick ups and drop offs to do too and then all 3 kids for the rest of the afternoon (and school holidays!).

Do you have childcare in place for while he is working or is he trying to fit his 12 hours a week around the children?

I think you need to divide this into three separate questions:

Do you both spend enough time with the kids?
Do you both get a break from kids/work?
Is everything else (house/chores) shared fairly?

I would have thought an easy change would be him making dinner when you get home, so you can then spend time with the kids after work. You can then do bed/bath to connect with them, and he can tidy the kitchen and then have down-time away from them since he's had them all day.

Goldbar · 26/08/2023 12:58

Silvers11 · 26/08/2023 12:55

This - in spades. He's only working 12 hours and now appears to be resentful about how much he needs to do in the house/with the kids

Show quote history

It depends on whether the LO is in childcare (breeze) or whether he's trying to work around them (nightmare).

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 26/08/2023 13:06

Yep dh is a prick.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 26/08/2023 13:06

OP it is difficult to maintain the same degree of closeness to your kids when you work F/T, as it's just not possible to be everywhere at once, and of course if you're in a stressful job, you're bound to be more tired than if you only do P/T hours. If you feel that you really want to spend more time with the kids, then you have to make a choice, cut back your hours at work, and get your DH to do more hours, or continue as is, and be able to give your kids the things you think they want in life. Personally, I'd cut back my hours, as there will be plenty more working years left in life once they have grown up, but you won't ever get the childhood years back again. Plus, if you do this, then your DH, can get off his lazy backside, and earn his fair share of the family income, instead of sitting back and criticising you all the time, just because he feels threatened by your earning ability.

Tinkerbyebye · 26/08/2023 13:14

I would be sitting him down and telling him the truth

Did you say the same to him when he worked full time and you don’t? No, so you d9nt expect this from him

He agreed that you would go for the promotion ( congrats) and he would reduce hours to look after the kids, ie role reversal

either he stops with the comments and supports the decision he made, or you will refuse the promotion, go back part time and he can revert to full time

suckrifice · 26/08/2023 13:19

Why is he only working 12 hrs a week, that’s ridiculous and lazy. He sounds nasty too. And jealous of your success.

Yellowlegobrick · 26/08/2023 13:25

I think a lot of men like their partner to be contributing financially and like the trappings of 2 incomes but fail to recognise it means they must take on more at home to compensate.

I personally think its because there is a sweet spot, where perhaps a mum has been at home with preschoolers, and starts some part time work and actually its in time that would otherwise have been leisure time when children were at school (housework and life admin does not take up the 30 hours children are at school). In that situation the family gets better off financially, but most housework etc can still be fitted in around part time work - so its a win win for Dad - they are all better off financially but he doesn't have to take on a full 50/50 share at home.

But that doesn't apply when its someone moving to full time work, the time for parenting/housework has gone completely & both parents need to share the load. The family get more money in but it only works if dad pitches in more.

miserablebitch · 26/08/2023 13:37

Neveregudenough · 26/08/2023 12:28

DS 6 DD5 and DS1 so both at school he is just at home with DS1 throughout the day and I am sorry but it’s a breeze.

So your dh is a SAHD @Neveregudenough
You think looking after your youngest DC is a breeze, but as you’re shattered in the evenings, your DH is likely having to do all the homework, bedtimes etc. with your older DCs as well.

I actually think you’re jealous (I would probably be the same), that your DCs turn to their father now instead of you, as he is the default parent. Maybe you need to re-look at the status quo, as it doesn’t seem to be working and you and DH are beginning to resent each other.

To be honest, if this had been the other way round and you were the SAHM, everyone on here would be saying that your DH wasn’t pulling his weight and should be doing more with the DCs and about the house, once he was home from work. Mumsnet’s usual double standards!

budgiegirl · 26/08/2023 13:40

I think that anyone looking after 3 kids (even if two are at school), plus working 12 hours and doing all the washing is doing ok. They could also be doing some housework/cooking on top, but certainly not all of it - looking after small kids is hardwork!

However, his attitude to you is awful. I think you both need to sit down and work out who does what, when, and how it's all going to work in future.

With regard to the expensive treat, does your DH also get to buy himself an expensive treat? Do you both have equal access to equal spending money. If not, then I can certainly see that this would breed resentment.

suckrifice · 26/08/2023 13:43

@miserablebitch I don’t think anyone needs to be a sahp to a 5 and 6-year old and work 12 hrs only. But I’m from a country where it’s equal and don’t know anyone who is a sahp. Most people want to contribute to society (and have a pension) and would be bored out of their brains staying at home all day.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/08/2023 13:43

I agree that you have a DH problem. Talking to you like that is unacceptable.

I'd be considering making plans to leave.

Saraooo · 26/08/2023 13:45

I don't see the posters lashing out at the husband in this scenario. You just have to accept that having 2 working FT parents is great financially but will impact on quality of home life.

FedUpMumof10YO · 26/08/2023 13:45

Ask him when he last paid a bill.

Tbh he's now in a fairly precarious situation, if you split 12 hours a week ain't gonna cover the bills.

He needs to STFU.

chillyjilly · 26/08/2023 13:49

I read it that the OP went back to work 6 months ago so before that was probably a sahm to all 3 children up until that point. That is why she is saying it is a breeze because he hasn't had to do the baby/toddler years by himself just one at home now during the day.

I agree you have a Dh problem. As a sahm I was the default parent but if I bought some sort of treat and then it was given to the children I would often say your Dad chose that for you. Because given the opportunity he would have but he was working full time.

I am thinking that your Dh thought working only 12 hours and being at home would be a breeze and realised it is a bit more work than that. Congratulations on your promotion though. You need a sit down talk with your Dh to work out what he wants to change.

bladebladebla1 · 26/08/2023 13:53

Gosh I had the same feeling when I opened my business and had so much guilt over it but my husband would NEVER make me feel bad about it. This is on him!

forgotmyusername1 · 26/08/2023 14:18

My husband is a stay at home dad
He does 90% of all the housework
Cooks 6 out of 7 evening meals (I do sundays)
Does school pick up and drop offs.

Him doing what he does enables me to do what I do (I am self employed so work longer than normal hours)

We are a team

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