To think my Mum has lost the plot with her grandchild?

[limeadelover]

I’m writing to see if I’m being unreasonable with my view of this situation or not but I’m starting to get worried.

My sister had her first baby nearly 2 years ago and ever since then my Mum’s life has become completely focussed on my sister and her grandson. Pre him being born she used to have a very active social life - she volunteered regularly, went to classes, had friends she saw. She also travelled across the world to some incredible places with her husband, my lovely step-father, and had been excited to get back to that after Covid stopped it. But when my sister had her son in late 2021, everything stopped completely. Her whole identity has suddenly become about him.

At first I didn’t notice anything because during my sisters maternity leave they were spending lots of time together (probably 3 to 4 days a week) but I thought that was normal - my sister was a bit lonely and my mum wanted to spend time with them. But it’s never calmed down, and has actually gotten worse. My Mum provides childcare once a week so it’s not like she’s being taken advantage of from that perspective, I’ve got no worries about that, but usually the pattern of the week seems to be that Mum looks after him one day, my sister visits her on one of her days off, they go out to do an activity together on her other day off and then mostly sister, brother in law and my nephew go and visit them for Sunday lunch. And if my brother in law ever goes away for work my sister stays with them overnight. She has never stayed a night alone with just her and her baby.

My sister has a lovely, extremely hands on competent husband who works mostly from home and they have a really good relationship, so she’s not a single Mum or anything. She lives around 35minutes from our Mum, so it’s a lot of driving for them both.

I’m at a point where I’m starting to worry about them both. My Mum has been going through a bout of anxiety recently which I don’t think has been helped by the fact she’s stopped volunteering, stopped seeing her friends and stopped having any social life apart from my sister. Im starting to be concerned that when he starts school she’ll feel bereft and won’t be able to pick any of her old life back up. I also think my step-dad (who is an incredible man and I don’t think would ever say anything) is very sad that it looks like they won’t travel again. Whenever I’ve asked them about it my Mum says she has no interest in it anymore and wouldn’t want to be away from grandson for so long - I’m talking about 2 or 3 weeks! I’m worried for him and their relationship.

I also worry about my sister, who hasn’t seemed to make any mum friends or anything as she hasn’t gone to any baby classes or groups. She just has her husband and my parents. It feels like they’re becoming co-dependent and I worry it’s not very good for any of them.

My Mum’s recent mental health problems have brought this to a head for me, but I don’t know if this is normal or if I should say something.

We have similar with DH DSis and her kids and DMIL. I think it's driven more by DSIL though and DMIL kind of goes along with it. It's been going on for years. We haven't said anything as we know it wouldn't go down well with DSiL so we just do our own thing and leave them to it. I does upset DH sometimes though as he thinks our DC are missing out.

I don't think seeing each other three or four times a week is hugely unusual for close families tbh, and it's lovely that she's bonded with her grandson.

I image the intensity of the feelings may abate as the baby gets older.

Ultimately, they are all adults and can make their own choices. I wonder if you are feeling a little left out?

Same with my mother, sister and nephew (20!). In the end I went VLC with the whole mad, co-dependent mess. Just sticking to the odd email and birthday card now.

I don't think there is much you can do as you've already made suggestions to your DM about reclaiming some of her interests. She doesn't want to and I'm not sure that making these suggestions when she is feeling anxious is the best timing.

She may well feel bereft when her GC goes to school but she'll recover. She had to see you and your sister off to school I assume?

I wonder if your DM knows how fleeting the early years are from experience, and she just wants to make the most of it. I think she is taking it too far but other than making suggestions, there is nothing you can do.

Life is filled with various stages and personalities. Some people like to be very cut and dry with these stages and immerse themselves fully. Perhaps your DM got bored of her previous life and routine.

But if the feelings abate as the baby gets older then, like OP says, what's left for her mum? She's dropped her entire social life and basically cast her husband aside. When the feelings abate she won't have anyone or anything to do and her relationship won't be the same. I'm sure her friends and husband will be hesitant to just pick up and run with it eg planning holidays because what if OPs sister has another baby and they're cast aside again?

I don't think it's a huge problem (apart from the fact she has anxiety although it's not necessarily related). As long as both your sister and your mum are happy with this level of contact, I'd let them crack on!

However, maybe you feel a little pushed out? Which would be totally understandable if you did.

@Wheredo you’ve summed up my concerns exactly.

I saw my mum every day when my DC were young. I see my DGC every day now. None of us are developing any anxiety issues, struggle with friendships or became 'bereft' when the natural passage of time changed our patterns. We just found/ find it easier and more fun to have company and more hands on the job when raising young DC.

I really don’t think I feel pushed out, I’ve really considered it but I don’t think the relationship I have with either of them has changed at all really. I live elsewhere so the frequency of my visits haven’t changed. It’s just this feeling that it’s not actually good for either of them.

@5128gap but my Mum is struggling with anxiety and has abandoned friendships. And I worry it’s also impacting her relationship. So it’s nice that that worked for you but I don’t necessarily think it is working well for my Mum, hence the post.

Its hard to see your mum's anxiety as being caused by her engagement with your sister though as it clearly gives her pleasure. Surely more likely that she has developed anxiety as a separate issue, and as a response is feeling more comfortable putting her volunteering and socialising on hold? After all it's very common for people to take time off their paid jobs with anxiety.
If it were me, rather than looking for a causal link between her anxiety and relationship with your sister, I'd be pleased she had some distraction from what is most probably an unrelated health event.
With regards to her friendships and relationships, as an adult, that's up to her to prioritise and navigate. If her partner has an issue it's really up to him to broach that.
As for the future, well, most of us cope with life change. Our own DC starting school, leaving home etc and we move on and find ways to fill the gap. I don't think the sadness of the gap left when things end is a reason not to do them. Otherwise we'd never devote ourselves to anything that wasn't permanently guaranteed.

I found the early years of motherhood very hard and needed a lot of support from my mum. Maybe your sister is the same?

Your post comes across as very disapproving verging on jealous (which I do understand- you feel like your sister is the “important” child and you pale into insignificance). I also think blaming your mum’s mental health struggles on seeing too much of her daughter and grandchild is, frankly, a bit of a reach.

In my experience, grandmothers can be a bit intense with their first grandchildren but the relationship evolves and calms down as the child gets older.

They are adults. Let them get on with it. You can not dictate how they spend their time. If it all goes pear shaped (I doubt it will) then they can work it out themselves.

What age is your Mum @limeadelover ?

@Jellycats4life I’m really not disapproving, I am worried. I suppose I’m not seeing the day to day situation but I do speak to my Mum and I just feel like her life has gotten very small and isolated, and she was never like that. She’s aged a lot in the last few years, very suddenly. I think probably Covid didn’t help, maybe she would always have gotten like this after Covid whatever happened. I think the anxiety isn’t linked to being close with her grandson at all, but I do think it’s massively related to being so isolated.

@Silvers11 shes just turned 64. Not old but she suddenly seems very old recently.

I suppose that’s how I have to be but they’re my Mum and sister and I do worry. But they are adults and I can’t do much about it other than make sure I’ve said that I think Mum should start doing a bit more again.

I'd be concerned for your stepdad in all this.

It sounds like he's been pushed to one side .

I also feel that there's some sort of co-dependency happening between your mum and your sister which isn't healthy in the long run.

However, there's not much you can do about it all but try to keep an eye on him.

You are not being unreasonable to be concerned but they are adults. A friend 's son is emigrating with wife and child and the state my friend has got into is dreadful, almost as if it's her own child being abducted and taken abroad. Some grandparents are more involved than others.

You're catastrophising about every single relationship your DM has - those thoughts are your's - your response is concerning tbh. Do you have anxiety?
Because your DM and DSIS seem fine. But you are looking for 'reasons' in every area of their life to justify that you don't like that they're spending so much time together.

I mean my Mum very much isn’t “fine” - that’s why I’m posting. She has been having a really bad period of mental health lately, something which we’ve been talking about a lot when we chat. I think a big part of the problem is how small her life has become. I don’t know why me feeling concerned about my Mum telling me about her poor mental health and trying to help her is a concerning response?

Yeah I feel quite sorry for him. I haven’t spoken to him directly about it all as he’d never go against my Mum but I’m sure he must be feeling sad about the change in their lives, and I know he is worried about my Mum’s anxiety recently as well. But he’s a wonderful Grandad to my nephew so he does get joy from him being around, so I think he wouldn’t necessarily want to vocalise this. Which is sort of how I feel as well!

I see my mum three or four times a week because we like each other 🤷‍♀️

@BubziOwl and that’s nice, and my Mum and sister obviously do like each other! But this is a very new thing - previously to baby they saw each other once a month, if that, and now it’s at the exclusion of all other socialising. That’s what feels slightly off to me. The sudden change and the dropping of everything else.

Is it possible that your sister has post natal depression / anxiety (which might explain why she can't manage on her own) which means your mum feels unable to change this pattern.
I don't think you're being unreasonable to have concerns. I don't think codependency is ever very positive.
But I would wonder if your mum's anxiety is due to her feeling that she is trapped in this situation but not feeling able to say so?
If it was me and I could afford it, I would be buying my mum and stepdad a long weekend away somewhere (when I knew bil was at home) to try and help break the pattern.