To think my Mum has lost the plot with her grandchild?

[limeadelover]

I’m writing to see if I’m being unreasonable with my view of this situation or not but I’m starting to get worried.

My sister had her first baby nearly 2 years ago and ever since then my Mum’s life has become completely focussed on my sister and her grandson. Pre him being born she used to have a very active social life - she volunteered regularly, went to classes, had friends she saw. She also travelled across the world to some incredible places with her husband, my lovely step-father, and had been excited to get back to that after Covid stopped it. But when my sister had her son in late 2021, everything stopped completely. Her whole identity has suddenly become about him.

At first I didn’t notice anything because during my sisters maternity leave they were spending lots of time together (probably 3 to 4 days a week) but I thought that was normal - my sister was a bit lonely and my mum wanted to spend time with them. But it’s never calmed down, and has actually gotten worse. My Mum provides childcare once a week so it’s not like she’s being taken advantage of from that perspective, I’ve got no worries about that, but usually the pattern of the week seems to be that Mum looks after him one day, my sister visits her on one of her days off, they go out to do an activity together on her other day off and then mostly sister, brother in law and my nephew go and visit them for Sunday lunch. And if my brother in law ever goes away for work my sister stays with them overnight. She has never stayed a night alone with just her and her baby.

My sister has a lovely, extremely hands on competent husband who works mostly from home and they have a really good relationship, so she’s not a single Mum or anything. She lives around 35minutes from our Mum, so it’s a lot of driving for them both.

I’m at a point where I’m starting to worry about them both. My Mum has been going through a bout of anxiety recently which I don’t think has been helped by the fact she’s stopped volunteering, stopped seeing her friends and stopped having any social life apart from my sister. Im starting to be concerned that when he starts school she’ll feel bereft and won’t be able to pick any of her old life back up. I also think my step-dad (who is an incredible man and I don’t think would ever say anything) is very sad that it looks like they won’t travel again. Whenever I’ve asked them about it my Mum says she has no interest in it anymore and wouldn’t want to be away from grandson for so long - I’m talking about 2 or 3 weeks! I’m worried for him and their relationship.

I also worry about my sister, who hasn’t seemed to make any mum friends or anything as she hasn’t gone to any baby classes or groups. She just has her husband and my parents. It feels like they’re becoming co-dependent and I worry it’s not very good for any of them.

My Mum’s recent mental health problems have brought this to a head for me, but I don’t know if this is normal or if I should say something.

@limeadelover , it's ok. I did check if you mentioned a DB.

You're free to worry all you want, but you're not free to get involved. Your mother and your sister are adults and can make their own decisions. That you disapprove of their decisions is immaterial.

I think maybe you can encourage her to take a holiday with husband. And tell her she can speak to grandson on FaceTime so needn’t miss him too much? Other than not doing something that she really used to enjoy with her h, I think it’s basically ok. Sis will make friends at school gates probably.

I wonder if it would help to focus on supporting your Mum (and her husband) with her anxiety, rather than focusing on the relationship with your sister.

not least cos it seems to me it could be the other way around. The Co-dependency and isolation could be the result of anxiety, not the cause .

a lot of people withdrew socially during COVID, and became anxious first about travelling and socialising due to COVID, and now have developed deeper anxieties. Your DM may have withdrawn from activities for that reason. She has then focused on DD and DGC because they are “safe”.

Rather than try to disrupt that safe relationship maybe focus on small things she could do to start getting out again.

the suggestion of a weekend away with her DH for example (maybe somewhere local. And even with your Sis and BiL!) , rather than going straight to 2-3 weeks foreign holiday.

I think you are conflating two separate points.

See your grandchild 3-4 times a week is fine and many really lean in when they are young as they know this period is fleeting and very special.

Your mum and sister would still have time to socialise with others the other half of the week. That they aren't doing so is a separate point to how much time they are spending together and bonding.

I agree 100%

I agree with this. I didn’t have this experience, sadly my parents were too far and too frail, and died when my dds were still in primary school.
Friends of mine who are like this have a much happier experience of motherhood and family life generally. Maybe it is just from your perspective that it looks wrong ? Your Mum and sister may be enjoying this stage. My two closest friends with grandchildren both say how they are overwhelmed by the love they feel for their grandchildren, and they want to spend as much time as they can with them as they are aware how short that time is. So to your Mum it might seem a lovely thing, have you talked to her about it at all ?

Yeah, seen this with a friend. She changed overnight with the birth of DGS, from being an active, social, interesting adult into a doting GM whose only topic of conversation was DGS. She gave up work shortly after the blessed advent (rather unexpectedly by all accounts), at her urging, they sold the holiday home where they had spent a lot of time ( even though their other children spent time in it with them). It was just all about the DGS, joined after eighteen months by his brother.

That was when we lost touch. The DH was fairly discontented at the change in his life, though, that was clear.

It sounds like you're actually concerned for all the adults. Your sister, Step dad and your mum?

You sound concerned that this level of intensity won't remain with regards the contact and it'll impact everyone eventually?

Does your sister work? It sounds like she works PT?

Will that continue or does she plan to go back to work FT? Only that the mum friend bit won't matter too much if she's working FT if she makes contact with school mums eventually

Sorry posted I stress of deleting last bit.

I was going to say if she works FT when he attends school the school mums and friends bit won't matter if he's doing before and after school club. So for your sister the level of contact may increase through work with adults outside of this bubble.

It's true that it's your mum who will be left more alone if she doesn't keep up her friendships etc. and she'll only be 67 ish when he starts school so still young.

I'd perhaps just ask your mum gently when you next speak and she says about her anxiety how it is when she visits X friend. Just put the idea into her head that she seems to have drifted from them and if she's noticed then she may give you more insight into why via her answer?

She might not want to pick it back up!

This thread is so interesting to me as I have a sibling that tries to dictate our mother’s daily timetable and who she sees and spends time with and I’m fascinated by it. I find it really controlling and my mother HATES the intrusion.

I don’t understand what business it is of the OPs unless we are saying the parent lacks capacity? Why does the OP think she knows better?

I understand worrying about your mom’s mental health and her life becoming smaller and in your shoes I’d be there for her to support her and help her in any way she sees fit.

However, as a mother with small children I’d love to be able to see my own mother that often (she lives in a different country) as that would be extremely helpful and something that she would absolutely love as well - and as I’m sure you’ve gathered from other responses, something quite normal and desirable for all parts.

I think your mother’s mental health and proximity to your sister and baby are unrelated so I wouldn’t worry about the second aspect and would only focus on helping mom recover her mental health.

@RudsyFarmer bloody hell, is it controlling now to show concern for a parent? Sounds like you’re projecting your own issues onto this thread, because the last thing I am being is dictatory. I don’t think I know better, but I am hoping to be able to help my mother who has spoken to me directly about her current state of mind. Or maybe I should tell her to stop discussing it with me and it’s none of my business, as you seemingly would advise.

Well that’s a very defensive post isn’t it op? I’m not sure I’m the one projecting here. Concern or control? Only you can decide.

I think you have it the wrong way round. She’s made her world smaller to cope with the anxiety - your sister and baby is a safe comforting choice - not that making her world smaller by just socializing with your sister has caused the anxiety.

If I were you I’d stop trying to suggest she gets her ‘old’ life back but instead introduce some very small steps of something different with you in between all the time she spends with your sister.

I think it's worrying that she's dropped so much of her life. It's natural to do less if she's spending more time with family, but sounds excessive to me, co dependent. However, if they are both happy with how it's working, it's really about the other adults affected - DBiL and Stepdad - and whether they raise it with them.

I agree that she will still be young when her GC starts school and can pick up new activities if she wants to, plus travel with her DH .. which can be done in term time and she'd be around to see GC in the holidays.

Keep talking to both of them and encourage your Mum to do other things she loves

@RudsyFarmer I’m not defensive, I’m irritated. Genuinely, do you think I should ignore the fact that my mother is unhappy? Whether you agree that this specific issue is contributing to her current frame of mind or not, I don’t think I’d be a very good daughter to ignore when she’s telling me how anxious she feels in every conversation at the moment. I’m hoping to help her.

I’m giving a lot of thought to the posters who think the anxiety is the cause and spending so much time with my nephew is the symptom, rather than the other way around. The anxiety has been much more recent but maybe it’s been bubbling away for much longer.

I think the issues are separate though! She's struggling with anxiety (probably a post covid contribution!) But I don't think they are spending too much time together. Being around children brings me joy and I'm sure when I become a grandmother (many years away) I'll want to spend as much time with them as possible. So long as both parties are mutually happy with the arrangement then why not?! I'm a firm believer that life is too short to not spend time with people you love and care about. It does sound a little like you're a bit jealous but I think if they live nearby then they should continue the arrangement if they are happy.

Could you suggest some events to do together with your mum?

I've seen this situation many times and it has always worked out fine in the end. I agree it is strange and disturbing to see a formerly interesting and socially engaged adult become consumed with a baby that isn't even hers, but I presume there is some biological imperative. It becomes less obsessive in time, usually because other grandchildren come along, or the child becomes less interested as their own social circle widens and they prefer to be with children their age.

If your stepfather remains patient they will probably be traveling again in a few years, even if shorter trips.

It is very unusual that your DSis has never had a night on her own with her baby who is nearly 2.
Is she struggling herself?
Your mum should try and find a way back to her social activities for her own good.

She might not want to pick it back up!

Maybe not, but she's likely to find herself with a big hole in her life when her GDS goes to school in a few years time and her daughter goes back to work.

It's not healthy for someone to drop everything they love to focus on one tiny aspect of their lives.

@HerMammy I’m interested you say that because I felt like it was unusual, but I don’t know many people with babies to judge. My BIL has had nephew on his own quite a lot.

Baby classes/groups aren't for everyone. I went to one and never went again, not for me at all. Not every mum wants to go which is absolutely fine.

I wouldn't say anything, they are adults and are making their own choices.

Could the pandemic have knocked her confidence? It's maybe not the baby