To think my Mum has lost the plot with her grandchild?

[limeadelover]

I’m writing to see if I’m being unreasonable with my view of this situation or not but I’m starting to get worried.

My sister had her first baby nearly 2 years ago and ever since then my Mum’s life has become completely focussed on my sister and her grandson. Pre him being born she used to have a very active social life - she volunteered regularly, went to classes, had friends she saw. She also travelled across the world to some incredible places with her husband, my lovely step-father, and had been excited to get back to that after Covid stopped it. But when my sister had her son in late 2021, everything stopped completely. Her whole identity has suddenly become about him.

At first I didn’t notice anything because during my sisters maternity leave they were spending lots of time together (probably 3 to 4 days a week) but I thought that was normal - my sister was a bit lonely and my mum wanted to spend time with them. But it’s never calmed down, and has actually gotten worse. My Mum provides childcare once a week so it’s not like she’s being taken advantage of from that perspective, I’ve got no worries about that, but usually the pattern of the week seems to be that Mum looks after him one day, my sister visits her on one of her days off, they go out to do an activity together on her other day off and then mostly sister, brother in law and my nephew go and visit them for Sunday lunch. And if my brother in law ever goes away for work my sister stays with them overnight. She has never stayed a night alone with just her and her baby.

My sister has a lovely, extremely hands on competent husband who works mostly from home and they have a really good relationship, so she’s not a single Mum or anything. She lives around 35minutes from our Mum, so it’s a lot of driving for them both.

I’m at a point where I’m starting to worry about them both. My Mum has been going through a bout of anxiety recently which I don’t think has been helped by the fact she’s stopped volunteering, stopped seeing her friends and stopped having any social life apart from my sister. Im starting to be concerned that when he starts school she’ll feel bereft and won’t be able to pick any of her old life back up. I also think my step-dad (who is an incredible man and I don’t think would ever say anything) is very sad that it looks like they won’t travel again. Whenever I’ve asked them about it my Mum says she has no interest in it anymore and wouldn’t want to be away from grandson for so long - I’m talking about 2 or 3 weeks! I’m worried for him and their relationship.

I also worry about my sister, who hasn’t seemed to make any mum friends or anything as she hasn’t gone to any baby classes or groups. She just has her husband and my parents. It feels like they’re becoming co-dependent and I worry it’s not very good for any of them.

My Mum’s recent mental health problems have brought this to a head for me, but I don’t know if this is normal or if I should say something.

@limeadelover

@Daffidale posted:

I wonder if it would help to focus on supporting your Mum (and her husband) with her anxiety, rather than focusing on the relationship with your sister.

not least cos it seems to me it could be the other way around. The Co-dependency and isolation could be the result of anxiety, not the cause .

a lot of people withdrew socially during COVID, and became anxious first about travelling and socialising due to COVID, and now have developed deeper anxieties. Your DM may have withdrawn from activities for that reason. She has then focused on DD and DGC because they are “safe”.

I think this could well be the case, tbh. I am nearly 70 and I know the Covid Pandemic badly affected my Mental Health and it hasn't, yet, recovered. I do try, but I feel I wasn't old when the Pandemic started - and now I am. So it may be the same for your Mum?

I get where you are coming from, and I think you have every right to be concerned, but maybe focusing on getting your Mum to do some of the things she used to do might be more effective than actually voicing your concerns to either of them, as some PP have suggested.

I get your concern. Whatever the reason, when someone goes from being a person who likes to socialise, travel and have a varied life, to then decide to get so involved in one activity at the expense of everything else, it's a concern.

I would be worrying about your stepdad. I don't know what your situation is, but could you arrange to do something with him? Theatre trip or day out. Obviously don't specifically exclude your mum, but suggest something and say "do you two fancy coming along - but if you are busy with grandchild mum, then maybe dad might like to come anyway"

It might give your mum a bit of a push to do something else?

I think this is the crux of it. As people get older and the body is not as healthy as it once was, anxiety is common. I’ve seen the same with grandmother, and now my mother. With my mother it’s had the opposite effect in that she has become very insular and not very engaged or interested in my young dc. It sounds like your do has found a role she feels comfortable in and is putting all her focus into that.

personally I would not mention your concerns but I would try to facilitate or encourage some positive steps towards both of their respective health. Make them great food. Take exercise with them. A holiday WITH the dc? A low key event involving some of their old network? That sort of thing. I don’t think saying anything will go well.

the pattern of the week seems to be that Mum looks after him one day, my sister visits her on one of her days off, they go out to do an activity together on her other day off and then mostly sister, brother in law and my nephew go and visit them for Sunday lunch.

This part jumped out at me - do you sister, BIL and nephew get time just the three of them.
Evenings after work/childcare aren't quite the same as often the bedtime rush.
Weekends it sounds like they don't get a full day together the three of them as always with your Mum.
How does your BIL feel about it?

I agree with all of what this PP said and will add my own concerns based on my own experience.

Both my parents went loopy like this over my sibling's kids. When I had mine my patents couldn't accept that I didn't want so much involvement. They couldn't adjust to being grandparents rather than a second set of parents and it ended up with us going NC.

I'd be concerned for both your sister and your mum.

I'm wondering if Dsis had some post partum depression that resulted in over dependence on your mum, while your mum's constant presence meant she never had a chance to get properly diagnosed and treated.

I think many people have co-dependant relationships and anything too intense makes them vulnerable. My dad died early and I was so pleased my mum had a great network of friends so she had something to build on when getting herself back 'on track'.
I wonder if your mums anxiety was worse than you realised and spending time with her daughter and the grandchild fills the void. So even if your sister wasn't around she still wouldn't want to holiday or meet up for lunch.
Don't assume that your sister 'needs' friendship in the same way you might. Its not unusual for mums of young children to prioritise family. She might also not want to be overestimated and stressed by addition relationships. What they both have might be enough.
Tbh even if they're making an horrendous mistake, they're adults and are allowed. Maybe drop a few 'thought seeds' into a conversation eg if you're talking about something you've done with your best friend ask if sister and her friends meet for lunch (or whatever). Don't push it, just casually mention it and let her deduce that actually she doesn't have friends. She might think on it and decide she wants to change things....or not care, but there's no judgement from you.
As for your mum, we'll it's your step dad I feel sorry for. Again I'd drop something into the conversation like 'Oh gosh, OH would not be happy if I said I would not go away anymore. I mean I'm his wife, he wants to do things with me."
Ultimately though...not your business

I am a similar age to your mum and have DGC but have what I would call a healthy level of interaction with my DDs and DGC and still maintain a social life with hobbies etc and my DH and I still travel. I would drop anything to help family at a moments notice for emergencies and I do regular childcare but we all have our own lives to live and the DGC will eventually grow up and do their own thing too. A friend of mine is similar to your mum and virtually her whole life revolves around her DGC so she literally has very little else to talk about. Now they are growing older and at school and preschool though she is making an effort to do other things and maybe eventually your mum will too.

If she suffers with anxiety maybe interacting with family is all she can do for now. I would be interested to know what your stepdad says as surely this is affecting him too.

I know someone who cut her whole friendship group off in favour of being available for GC. I would say she was obsessed with them.Her son has taken advantage of her greatly in terms of childcare etc.
The children are now getting to secondary age and they don’t need her in the same way and she’s been cast aside, now with a broken support network.

I also think the anxiety might be seperate to the relationship you dm has with diss.

it’s also possible that dm didn’t enjoy the travelling the way she made out to everyone. It could also be that she has outgrown the friendships (although I agree that’s a concern).

Has she got underlying health conditions, has she had a gp review recently? Any vitamin deficiencies? The suddenly seeming old is a bit of a red flag for physical health. Anxiety can also be a symptom of physical health conditions .

I intend helping with GC if I’m lucky enough to have them but people can neglect aspects of their lives and this is what your Mum is doing. It’s not so much lots of time with your sis and her GC it’s the neglect of her DH and her friends.

Three of my friends have died in the last 5 years that’s been hard and one of my friends has just relocated 4 hours away as her DH wanted to retire to his home town. If your Mum drops her friends and they feel a bit aggrieved then she will have to make new friendships. It’s not easy, I’m lucky and find chatting to people easy and have formed a couple of new friendships. But many people have established friendships and commitments and no time.

I think the issue here is you thinking you know better than they do. If this arrangement suits them, it's not for you to say otherwise. I'd say keep out of it - your mum and sister are both adults, they can make their own choice over this.