To think my Mum has lost the plot with her grandchild?

[limeadelover]

I’m writing to see if I’m being unreasonable with my view of this situation or not but I’m starting to get worried.

My sister had her first baby nearly 2 years ago and ever since then my Mum’s life has become completely focussed on my sister and her grandson. Pre him being born she used to have a very active social life - she volunteered regularly, went to classes, had friends she saw. She also travelled across the world to some incredible places with her husband, my lovely step-father, and had been excited to get back to that after Covid stopped it. But when my sister had her son in late 2021, everything stopped completely. Her whole identity has suddenly become about him.

At first I didn’t notice anything because during my sisters maternity leave they were spending lots of time together (probably 3 to 4 days a week) but I thought that was normal - my sister was a bit lonely and my mum wanted to spend time with them. But it’s never calmed down, and has actually gotten worse. My Mum provides childcare once a week so it’s not like she’s being taken advantage of from that perspective, I’ve got no worries about that, but usually the pattern of the week seems to be that Mum looks after him one day, my sister visits her on one of her days off, they go out to do an activity together on her other day off and then mostly sister, brother in law and my nephew go and visit them for Sunday lunch. And if my brother in law ever goes away for work my sister stays with them overnight. She has never stayed a night alone with just her and her baby.

My sister has a lovely, extremely hands on competent husband who works mostly from home and they have a really good relationship, so she’s not a single Mum or anything. She lives around 35minutes from our Mum, so it’s a lot of driving for them both.

I’m at a point where I’m starting to worry about them both. My Mum has been going through a bout of anxiety recently which I don’t think has been helped by the fact she’s stopped volunteering, stopped seeing her friends and stopped having any social life apart from my sister. Im starting to be concerned that when he starts school she’ll feel bereft and won’t be able to pick any of her old life back up. I also think my step-dad (who is an incredible man and I don’t think would ever say anything) is very sad that it looks like they won’t travel again. Whenever I’ve asked them about it my Mum says she has no interest in it anymore and wouldn’t want to be away from grandson for so long - I’m talking about 2 or 3 weeks! I’m worried for him and their relationship.

I also worry about my sister, who hasn’t seemed to make any mum friends or anything as she hasn’t gone to any baby classes or groups. She just has her husband and my parents. It feels like they’re becoming co-dependent and I worry it’s not very good for any of them.

My Mum’s recent mental health problems have brought this to a head for me, but I don’t know if this is normal or if I should say something.

I think op is getting some harsh comments. Nothing about her post suggest jealousy and just because that frequency of contact for some is normal and fine doesn’t mean it is for this family.

op have you ever broached it with your mum and if not why not? Is it lonely to cause waves? My view is the only way you can reassure yourself or initiate change, is to speak to your mum?

It's not necessarily the case that spending time with your sister and nephew is causing the anxiety.
I too suffer from anxiety during .and I am just now after COVID starting to do things again. But I continued seeing my grandchildren.
I didn't give up activities because of them though that was for totally different reasons. Seeing family helped me, if I hadn't seen them I would have seen noone as I didn't want to see anyone else or take part in activities.

Perhaps the relationship with her daughter, grandson and son in law is more rewarding than her previous social life?

As long as everyone is happy with the level of seeing each other, I can't see the problem?

As I've got older I much prefer seeing my family than doing anything with friends.

I agree with you OP and I think she'll struggle as DGS gets older and goes off to school and presumably your sister returns to work.

I’m with you OP. I’ve seen this happen to a friend (I’m of your mother’s generation) and it’s unhealthy. And 64 isn’t old to be so limited.

I think you should speak to your sister. Explain your concerns and ask her to encourage your mum to be more independent. Ask her what will happen if she meets friends her own age ~ she’ll feel pressure to give them up to be with mum. And where will mum be at 68/69 when her grandson is at school and your sister is at work?

Rather than focusing on what you think might be a relationship that is damaging your mum's mental health, why don't you encourage her to pick up some of her old activities? Sort of help her by stealth?

For example, if she used to regularly attend a certain group or event, suggest that she do that again. Pick things/people/activities that won't necessarily make her feel she has to spend less time with your sister and nephew, but that will start to give her an outlet.

So if her and your stepdad often used to do day trips, suggest something you've seen. They could do it on a day that isn't one they usually spend with your sister. If she used to attend a walking group, suggest she picks that up again on days she's not with your sister or perhaps attend a walk before meeting your sister for lunch.

When my mum died, my dad's world got a bit smaller for a while for lots of reasons, grief, of course, and also because at a practical level, she had been the one who organised things. Slowly but surely, me and my sister would make gentle suggestions, "oh dad, have you seen Mary and Dave recently?" and he'd usually say they'd rung him but he hadn't contacted them (so probably they stopped calling him thinking they were intruding) so we'd encourage him to call them up and sure enough, things have settled down again and over time he's got back a lot of the social and other activities. He just needed a bit of a prompt. We never said, "right dad, well mum's dead now so get over it and change things up" but tried to offer ideas that we thought he could manage.

I agree with another poster I don't understand why you're getting a hard time for voicing your very reasonable concerns. You don't sound jealous at all, you're rightly worried for both you mum and sister as they don't appear to have much of a life outside of each other and the child.

I would absolutely mention it to both of them because whilst lovely to spend time together the current set up is not healthy or sustainable long term for either of them.

Your nephew will be off to school in a matter of just a few years and then what's left for your mum? If she's lucky your step dad and some old friends will have stuck around but to be honest who could blame them if they didn't?

My youngest is a teenager but when mine were very young I saw my mum loads. In fact, we were talking about it the other day - all the places we used to take them together and what nice summers we used to have. Looking back, it was a bit like being in a nice little bubble of new parenthood. We would also go over for Sunday lunches and things and we never do that now. I wasn't a single parent either and my mum lived 50 minutes away.

It's probably a phase like most other stages of life.

Have you spoken to your sister? Maybe not mention your mum but ask about mum and baby/toddler groups etc?

i also wondered about post natal depression.

I also feel that there's some sort of co-dependency happening between your mum and your sister which isn't healthy in the long run.
I saw this developing with my MIL and her DD (my SIL).
Consequently my SIL made no 'Mum friends' and I am sure this contributed to her poor mental health over subsequent years. My SIL would comment no one spoke to her at, for example, Tumble Tots, whereas I had made a couple of friends at my local group, but I discovered she had taken her Mum with her, so it was unlikely anyone would start a chat when someone has obvious company.
I didn't want to make any comments about the intensity of their relationship for the reasons shown by some of the comments here; it looked as if I was envious of their closeness, SIL always had free childcare etc.
15 years down the line, my SIL's marriage ended and I think she would say she is a lonely person. My MIL still relies on her DD for 90% of her social life but as she is now pretty elderly that suits her well.

It’s a snapshot in time while your niece is a baby. Once she starts to grow and the times table shifts to accommodate preschool/school everything will move again.

Obviously another child might be born and the newborn intensity will be as intense once again, but I think it’s actually a nice thing for your sister and your mum. It sounds like you are catastrophising it to suit your own agenda. Perhaps you haven’t had children yet it or don’t plan to/yours are older and your mum didn’t act the same. There’s something else at play here in my mind and you’ve decided you are worried when really it’s a bit of envy creeping in.

I also think this is a perfectly reasonable concern. I would mention it to both of them, but without bringing your DN into it. Just focus on the things your DM is missing out on and the effect that seems to be having on her.

This ... ^ @limeadelover You do you sound like you feel left out, your nose has been put out of joint, and you're jealous.

Nothing wrong with that, and it's understandable, but at least own it.

Your mum and your sister are doing nothing wrong.

Maybe your nephew is the son your mother never had.

Ha - maybe, but I won’t tell my brother that! 😂

It’s a snapshot in time while your niece is a baby. Once she starts to grow and the times table shifts to accommodate preschool/school everything will move again.

It's not that simple @RudsyFarmer , because the people and activities she's dropped may not still be there when she decides to pick them back up again - that's the OP's concern and it's a valid one.

You can't just drop everything for several years and expect to just pick up where you left off. Actions have consequences.

Thanks to the people offering advice, some of it is really helpful and I’ll definitely be implementing some of it. I think there’s clearly people who have some experience of this and ‘get’ what I’m worried about. For the people who are saying I’m jealous, I really am not. I knew some people would think that when I posted though, it’s a strange situation.

Exactly. Ignoring people for years and expecting them to just be at your beck and call when the little boy starts school is inevitably going to also do more damage to the OPs mums mental health because the vast majority will naturally have moved on and won't give her the time of day.

@limeadelover , sorry, I missed that you had a DB.

I'm one of a daughters-only family, and DM's DGS is definitely the favoured DGC. I was projecting.

Is your sister trying to keep out of the house so that BIL can work?

@KirstenBlest its all right, I was joking! I hadn’t mentioned him because he’s only 23 so he’s not really involved in this situation, very wrapped up in his own life and not the most emotionally intelligent person I know. The only thing he’s ever said about it is “seeing mum that much would drive me f*cling nuts”!

Another (not very nice I'm afraid) possibility is that your mum's health is deteriorating and the anxiety is a consequence of a health issue and not due to who she is or isn't socialising with. She might have reduced her socialising outside of the family if she felt she wasn't coping well with it.

If she hasn't already seen her GP about her anxiety it might be worth an appointment.

We had this with SIL and PIL who live next door to each other.
Twenty years on PIL are old, frail and dependant and SIL is having the worst time of her life with no end in sight.
Not normal or healthy.

Maybe she doesn't want to travel since covid . Alot of people have been put off since covid. And if its her first grandchild she is probably just a really hands on grandparent . Has your step dad voiced his concerns or your mum made comments about your sister taking up to much of her time?
When I had my children it definitely made me closer to my mum . It just naturally happened . They may be very happy with the situation.
And your mum's anxiety linked to somthing she hasn't told you about

I also worry about my sister, who hasn’t seemed to make any mum friends or anything as she hasn’t gone to any baby classes or groups.

This isn't going to happen with your mother around constantly around will be inhibiting her. Not only will she fail to make outside friends, it will thwart her role as a mother.

I don't have any ideas on how you can say something though.

Ive stepped back from my own dd as I want her to make her own path and friends and whilst I can visit and help its not helpful if Im there to much and not letting her flourish as a mum