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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be friends after holiday behaviour

107 replies

Jev82 · 25/08/2023 22:38

I went on a big group holiday with some friends to the coast. I found one of my friends very rude. I drove us and had made plans to collect them all from a different city which took me 2 hours extra for their convenience. I was happy to do this but didn't want to drive in the dark at the end of the trip so asked everyone to be punctual. This friend was very dominant and changed all the pre-arranged plans so they arrived 3 hours late because she thought getting up early was unreasonable. I had to wait for them all this time in a car park.

She was rude to other friends of mine who weren't hers, sulked and shouted and I just don't want to be friends anymore because she was a nightmare. She wanted me to cut my holiday short for a day to drive her home because she had to work even though I was still on holiday. I felt she treated me like her assistant and an assistant to a horrible boss at that.

Other friends want me to forget it because it's making their lives more difficult as I am refusing to hang out with her. I don't care if they spend time together, I just don't want to be friends with someone like that so won't join them. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jev82 · 26/08/2023 10:02

@TheLadyofShalott1 thank you that's very kind. I think she has less and less friends as she gets older. She does have a hold that's hard to explain without too much information. But she held a position of power over people many years ago and she seems to have forgotten that firstly she doesn't anymore, but also that power was relative to a specific role. So yeah like basically she used to be some people's boss in a fashion (not mine) and she walks through life like it too.

She always has to be right. Even in situations where she has no expertise on a matter she will argue with someone about it. She can't drive and was telling me how to, things like that.

I really have no issue with cutting her out and I actually no issue with telling her why either! But my other friends who are friends with her are struggling with it. I suspect I was the only one who would say no to her and tell her to do one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jev82 · 26/08/2023 10:05

@Testina it wasn't in August - if only, forever sunlight. I haven't spoken to her for quite some while and it's only starting to become a talking point with my other friends now.

OP posts:
Baldieheid · 26/08/2023 10:05

Yeah, your mistake was agreeing to drive them at all

Collect from the closest station to the holiday location, fair enough, although frankly, I'd have told them to get a bloody taxi. Between 3 or 4 it would have cost nothing.

In future, the rule you need to go with is everyone is an adult and are responsible for their own travel arrangements. Invent a bloody aunty that you're stopping with overnight on your way down to the cottage, whatever it takes if you're not gutsy enough to say "no, sort yourself out".

Original poster
Jev82 · 26/08/2023 10:07

@hylian I am more than happy to be in a larger group space. I spend enough time in big group settings where lots of people don't like each other, with exes and such. I realise the waiting three hours makes me sound like a real loser haha! But it was so specific to getting there and I would have not even entertained it for a normal situation. I'm not adverse to conflict either. But I'm not going to go for dinner with her in a small group with them, or meeting her one on one and hang out with her. They want me to resume the role I played in her life.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 26/08/2023 10:12

They want me to resume the role I played in her life.

Time for you to take back control and do what's right for you.

Your description of the group dynamic is bringing me out in hives.

Duvetdayforme · 26/08/2023 10:15

Jev82 · 26/08/2023 10:07

@hylian I am more than happy to be in a larger group space. I spend enough time in big group settings where lots of people don't like each other, with exes and such. I realise the waiting three hours makes me sound like a real loser haha! But it was so specific to getting there and I would have not even entertained it for a normal situation. I'm not adverse to conflict either. But I'm not going to go for dinner with her in a small group with them, or meeting her one on one and hang out with her. They want me to resume the role I played in her life.

Well one of the others can take up your previous special role…

Oh! They don’t want to? Funny that.

Stick to your guns OP. She’s a user.

Original poster
Jev82 · 26/08/2023 10:16

@Testina I found them a very cheap hotel. They didn't need to stay with me. They all earn 6 figure salaries, much higher than me.

The type of holiday it was meant that once you parked the car you could only move it when you left. You couldn't use the car to travel around the area when you were there. It was a festival. It was also a very long way away, but well served by public transport once open.

It was logistically impossible to drive to the local train station because they closed the roads to traffic and we arrived early because I had special access to the site. The public couldn't arrive until the day after. So I was doing them a big favour getting them in early.

Does that help it make a bit more sense? I had basically offered them early access if they travelled up to me the day before, and slowly it chipped away to me waiting 3 hours and them treating me like their caddy.

OP posts:
Baldieheid · 26/08/2023 10:20

Maybe you've outgrown this particular group?

It doesn't sound like anyone spoke up and said "hang on, we can't just change things at the last minute". Did they?

The others could have been on time. They chose not to be, assuming the main gal was the one calling all the shots. I'd be holding them ALL at arms length. It was very disrespectful of them ALL.

One person may be the ringleader but the rest danced to her tune. You refusing to play now is embarrassing them. They look like spineless wimps.

Original poster
Jev82 · 26/08/2023 10:22

Thanks everyone I have read every comment and tried to reply to them all. I absolutely get that I look like a mug! I also feel like one. I made the fundamental error allowing my offer to change in the first place, I recognise that, but I was trying to be a bit accommodating.

I will certainly be firmer in future in such situations. I know it's odd but I have such a brilliant group of kind and mutual supportive friends that this behaviour took me by surprise. I'm not lacking for winners thankfully but I won't put up with this. I would happily go out of my way usually for a friend because they would do the same for me and be thankful and reciprocal.

I realise I need to speak to the other friends who weren't there and are confused, explain why, and it's up to them then. It's only one small part of my friendship circle. I haven't made a drama out of it. I haven't discussed it with anyone really. Lots and lots of people I know don't like the friend I am cutting out and I see why.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 26/08/2023 11:54

You live and learn @Jev82 and I hope starting this thread is helping you to process what happened and I’m sure you will have firmer boundaries in future where necessary.

cansu · 26/08/2023 11:55

Just don't arrange anything alone with her or get involved in any trips etc. Making a big drama of never socialising with her is fine but then expect to miss out on events where others choose to invite her.

Original poster
Jev82 · 26/08/2023 12:09

@cansu no drama from me! I don't care if she's somewhere I am? I just don't want to be friends with her. That's not what's giving me pause for thought, it's just my other friends feel awkward about it. I suspect because she's putting pressure on them? Either way this has been super useful and very thought provoking so very grateful for everyone who has given their time to reply.

OP posts:
knobkopf · 26/08/2023 12:11

She's awful.
If someone else if giving you a lift somewhere you show up at the agreed meeting point at the agreed time and that meeting point and meeting time should be decided, for the most part, by the driver. Others can chip in with ideas, but the final decision rests with the driver.
I'm generous with things like time and lifts and so on but if someone takes the piss, that's it. She wouldn't be getting a lift from me anywhere again and I'd be cooling the "friendship" too.

Astrella · 26/08/2023 12:17

She’s not a friend but a bully, and the friends who are backing her behaviour will only see this once she treats them the way you were treated. I’d probably reevaluate the whole group tbf.

billy1966 · 26/08/2023 12:20

Your friends discomfort is of no concern of yours, stop taking it on board.

She is a rude user and you have zero interest in closely socialising with her again.

End of.

Not up for discussion or negotiation.

You are stating a final fact.

You are done, and rightly so.

I would be wary of any friends who don't respect your right to choose whom you socialise with, and I would tell them that.

You do not owe her your time or your friendship.

She had it, squandered it, and has now lost it.

The end.

NalafromtheLionKing · 26/08/2023 16:30

It’s a shame, you should have just gone ahead and let them join with the rest of the public the next day. If there’s a next time, don’t tie yourself up in knots for their convenience.

Mellowautumnmists · 26/08/2023 20:37

Did they contribute to the cost of the petrol?

NorwayLass · 26/08/2023 21:01

You sound very sensible, avoiding meeting up with her

MackenCheese · 26/08/2023 21:34

Crikey. The vote says it all!

BaconChops · 27/08/2023 17:52

Nope!

LlynTegid · 27/08/2023 18:19

The three hours late would be enough to end a friendship for me.

Please tell her why though, it might spare some other people such unacceptable behaviour.

GentlemanJay · 27/08/2023 18:27

Don't avoid going out with this group just because of her. Just do your own thing and don't be bullied or pushed around by this woman.

Merapi · 27/08/2023 18:28

YANBU and you have my sympathies. I went on an absolutely shit holiday with 'friends' a few years ago and it was the pits. Never again.

CantFindMyMarbles · 27/08/2023 18:31

I’d tell them I’m happy for them to hang out and don’t want to ruin their friendship with her. But, you don’t want to be friends - happy to be civil but not friends. You’re not a door mat to watched on.

BooRadleyBoo · 27/08/2023 18:32

Yanbu!!