Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To not want to be friends after holiday behaviour

107 replies

Jev82 · 25/08/2023 22:38

I went on a big group holiday with some friends to the coast. I found one of my friends very rude. I drove us and had made plans to collect them all from a different city which took me 2 hours extra for their convenience. I was happy to do this but didn't want to drive in the dark at the end of the trip so asked everyone to be punctual. This friend was very dominant and changed all the pre-arranged plans so they arrived 3 hours late because she thought getting up early was unreasonable. I had to wait for them all this time in a car park.

She was rude to other friends of mine who weren't hers, sulked and shouted and I just don't want to be friends anymore because she was a nightmare. She wanted me to cut my holiday short for a day to drive her home because she had to work even though I was still on holiday. I felt she treated me like her assistant and an assistant to a horrible boss at that.

Other friends want me to forget it because it's making their lives more difficult as I am refusing to hang out with her. I don't care if they spend time together, I just don't want to be friends with someone like that so won't join them. AIBU?

OP posts:

Baldieheid · 26/08/2023 08:42

I'd have sent them a message after I'd sat in the car park for 30 mins, saying they had 30 mins to get to me before i left, and that I WOULD be leaving at (eg) 10am.

Anyone not with me by the time I left would have to make their own way.

You made arrangements. Your plan didn't change.

That level of rudeness from them ALL would have made me doubt their friendship. You were just the taxi, let's face it. Everyone else could have ignored her high handed edict, yet they didn't.

They're not your friends, OP, none of them.

wowthatsharsh · 26/08/2023 08:45

DingDongDenny · 25/08/2023 23:14

Please tell me you didn't sit for 3 hours in a car park waiting for your friends to give them a lift

I would have left after 30mins - and that's being generous

This

WaltzingWaters · 26/08/2023 08:50

I’d ditch them all. Everyone of those friends who didn’t turn up at the time you’d agreed to collect them were extremely rude. I can’t believe you waited that whole time! I’d have sent a message saying “where are you all? We agreed x time. I’ll be leaving in 20 minutes so anyone not here by then I’ll assume is making their own way there”.

user1471538283 · 26/08/2023 08:55

Get rid of her. I promise your life will be better.

I got rid of an awful friend years ago after putting up with her appalling behaviour for years. I felt instantly lighter. And I'm a loyal and good friend.

Your friend, like mine, is sending you a very clear message. You and your time are not as important as her and her time and you are not important to her.

Honestly, I treat strangers better than either of our "friends".

JanieEyre · 26/08/2023 09:04

Other friends are worried that if you disappear then oe of them becomes this woman's personal slave. It may be time to rethink the whole group.

Testina · 26/08/2023 09:04

“This friend was very dominant and changed all the pre-arranged plans so they arrived 3 hours late because she thought getting up early was unreasonable.”

I just don’t really get what actually happened here. The entire group just knows you’re sat there for 3 hours? (why were you waiting in a car park anyway? If you’ll drive 2 hours round trip out of your way to collect someone, plus their holiday bags, why not go to their house? Anyway…)

I can believe it of one selfish arsehole, but what happened to make the whole group do it?

You say she changed the pre-arranged plans, not that they simply didn’t show up.

Did she message you all and say, “fuck getting up at 7am, let’s meet at 11am instead of 8am” and everyone agreed but it was never confirmed with you as driver?

I just can’t get my head round you sitting there for 3 hours!

Willmafrockfit · 26/08/2023 09:18

if it is makes other people's lives different why dont you meet with her and explain she was difficult?

readbooksdrinktea · 26/08/2023 09:20

DingDongDenny · 25/08/2023 23:14

Please tell me you didn't sit for 3 hours in a car park waiting for your friends to give them a lift

I would have left after 30mins - and that's being generous

This.

Don't let people walk all over you. They will never stop.

Original poster

Jev82 · 26/08/2023 09:21

@Neodymium it's a good question. I think they tolerate it from a bit of a place of pity? She doesn't have a large group of friends and people don't put up with it clearly.

@EmilyBrontesGhost luckily this is one group of friends I have had a long time (one group of my uni friends) rather than any of my core friend groups. I would entirely agree!!

@BreadInCaptivity I waited that long because you could only get where we were going by car, so the others who had waited for her the other end would also have been stranded. But yes in hindsight! Obviously a power move.

OP posts:

Occasionalsnaccident · 26/08/2023 09:27

I think you can stop being friends without forcing your other friends to choose. Sure she can attend where everyone is meeting there, but refuse to be her transport in future. That is fair and doesn’t make it a her or me confrontation

Duvetdayforme · 26/08/2023 09:32

I’m also struggling to understand what happened here @Jev82 it does sound as though you have shit/non existent boundaries.

I had a frenemy like this within long standing group. She became very hostile, bitter and angry. I minimised my contact with her, but didn’t say much to other group members. Eventually she really pissed off the Queen Bee of the group and that was that, she was gone.

Take a step back but maintain contact with the group. Maybe do stuff in smaller numbers. However, if they are all responsible for leaving you hanging around a car park for hours, you should ditch the lot of them.

Original poster

Jev82 · 26/08/2023 09:39

@Testina I can see that! I live in one city, they live in another. We had to set off from our respective cities at roughly the same time so that they could get the train, and I could pick them up from the same point. This took me 2 hours off a direct driving route to begin with (an hour detour to the city, an hour back on route).

Initially, I had asked that they travel to me the day before so we could all drive together, and everyone else agreed. But last minute she refused and told the others it wasn't happening. I don't know if she was their envoy on earth or she was just insistent but it's irrelevant because they all did it. The others aren't close friends, which is why they don't figure in my thinking. I was already unhappy about this. The solution was they would leave their city the same time as me - earlier in the morning than I would have had to drive us direct - to meet at this third point so I could pick them up.

I already made the error agreeing to this, I see! I should have said come to me or make your own way, but it would be near impossible to get there without a car for some part of the drive, or walking an hour on fast country roads from the local train. I was pissed off at this point. But if they had turned up as agreed I was OK with that.

So I set off very early to get to the meeting point, and I was informed on route that they had "missed the train". Hence the 3 hour wait. Yes, I am also aware that's more than one missed train!

The friends who want me to let bygones be bygones weren't on the holiday. They weren't part of that group.

OP posts:

TrustMyArse · 26/08/2023 09:39

Who "waited for her the other end"? The car park bit makes no sense. Were lots of people late but you're just blaming her alone?

Testina · 26/08/2023 09:42

But if you had to set off “very early” in the morning, even if you add 3 hours, how were you ever going to be driving in the dark?!

TrustMyArse · 26/08/2023 09:42

So it was the others that missed the trains fault. Even if the rude friend had turned up at the car park you'd just both have had to wait for the train friends?

If the place is only a 1 hour walk from the local train then it can't be longer than a 10 minute drive. Why the fuck didn't you just pick them up there instead of a 2 hour detour?

Testina · 26/08/2023 09:49

So Arsehole + randoms were supposed to leave at the same time as you, to meet you in a train station car park en route to final destination.

Sounds like Arsehole was then late for their planned train, which made everyone else late (except they could have chosen to stick with planned train).

You already had started out, but they told you they hadn’t got the train before you even arrived. Was there no further communication with each subsequent missed train?

As the final destination was only an hour’s walk from the local train (4 miles? Nothing by taxi) I’d have left them to get a taxi and gone straight to the coast. If I was feeling particularly friendly l might have offered to drive the 4 miles on a fast road to pick them up from the station.

Were they texting repeatedly saying, “we’ll be on the next one” (then not) which is why you hung around so long?

Did the others apologise?!

Original poster

Jev82 · 26/08/2023 09:53

@Duvetdayforme I can see that and would think the same! On the way, it's hard to explain without too much detail but, where we were going was near impossible without the car on the way - easier on the way back. I assume they knew full well I would say no, and so waited til it had forced my hand to not leave them. If I left them they would have been able to get close but would have not been able to get to our holiday site. It was a real nasty move with more reflection.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jev82 · 26/08/2023 09:54

@Testina in hindsight me too!! One of them was profusely apologetic and also thankful. The others, no.

OP posts:

Testina · 26/08/2023 09:54

“Initially, I had asked that they travel to me the day before so we could all drive together, and everyone else agreed. But last minute she refused and told the others it wasn't happening. I don't know if she was their envoy on earth or she was just insistent but it's irrelevant because they all did it. The others aren't close friends, which is why they don't figure in my thinking”

I can totally get why someone wanted a change of plan. I wouldn’t want to travel to another city the night before a holiday, to stay over in the house of someone who isn’t my close friend. A whole extra evening used up, someone I’m not close too, a group so maybe not great sleeping arrangements… I don’t blame them for agreeing with a stronger character, sound like wet lettuces who needed rescuing from their bad decision!

None of which excuses them missing the train they agreed to take.

GRex · 26/08/2023 09:55

Initially, I had asked that they travel to me the day before so we could all drive together, and everyone else agreed. But last minute she refused and told the others it wasn't happening.
Ok, you know this was the first major error, but come on! You offer a lift from your house, she says no, you say "fine, I'll see you there", you don't just add two hours of driving onto the day!! Then when they miss the train you say "I'll drive on then, happy to meet you at the station near the cottage, text me when you arrive". Or you let them get a taxi. You made all their logistics into your problem for no reason at all!

daisychain01 · 26/08/2023 09:56

YANBU but be prepared for the friendship group to be fractured and some people take her side, others take your side and others not wanting to get involved.

imo being in a group on holiday will always cause issues with individuals not behaving themselves and their personality taking over.

I have never enjoyed group holidays, the worst I had was when it was a threesome, it just became two's company, three's a crowd (of course I was the crowd

in the end after several not particularly pleasant experiences I decided that it must have been me, I just don't enjoy group dynamics. Fine at work when everyone has to behave themselves, but on holiday people go bonkers for some reason, hey ho, no my problem!

Testina · 26/08/2023 09:58

“If I left them they would have been able to get close but would have not been able to get to our holiday site.”

Why not? Why couldn’t you have driven down the 4 miles (1 hour walk) and picked them up only when they’d arrived? Not that you have to - but if you’re prepared to add 2 hours to your journey, seems likely that you’d be happy to instead add 20 minutes to pick them up instead!

The whole thing is baffling, and I’m still trying to work out if it really was Glasgow to St Ives, as I can’t see where the driving in the dark comes in!

Original poster

Jev82 · 26/08/2023 09:58

@BelieveThemtheFirstTime I absolutely did not! Actually I laughed because I thought it was a joke.

Hard to explain, but getting home from the holiday on public transport was much easier than getting there. I said well obviously you are getting the train? And she said she was absolutely not carrying her luggage to the station. I said she was welcome to wait for a lift but it would be tomorrow, and I would be driving back to my city and she could get a train home from there.

I can see why I look like a doormat and fair, but I am actually not. Because I'm not it all took me a bit by surprise to be honest. The logistics down were a little complicated and I was trying to do a kind thing. They would have arrived at our holiday an entire day later if I hadn't driven them. Instead they took the piss and treated me like a taxi!

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 26/08/2023 09:59

Reading your updates OP I just wouldn't put up with all that naffing about, totally insufferable nonsense. I'd sooner be Billy No Mates than have to deal with the demands of a prima donna

Everydayimhuffling · 26/08/2023 10:00

If your friends want to repair the rift they need to get arsehole friend to apologise profusely. Good luck to them with that! Otherwise it's not you creating a rift, it's her.

I can understand how you ended up waiting once you were there, but my goodness I'd have been pissed off by that!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5