To not want to help inlaws?

[lovecakess]

So my inlaws are getting on a bit now and have various operations coming up.

It has been hinted that they expect me to help but I dont want too for various reasons.

For years including lockdown I helped them endlessly and I feel it was never appreciated as I never even got a thank you.

MIL is a very nasty woman, she is always making snippy comments and isnt very friendly towards me and blames it on having various vitamin deficiencies.

During lockdown I did not work for 18 months and lost my beauty business and literally had to live of credit cards and universal credit.

MIL and FIL are multimillionaires, instead of offering to help ( as I have always done to them ) my MIL just advised me to go to a food bank.

As MIL is a keen sewer I would often give her clothing I did not want so she could use it for her projects. Never even thanked me.

I really do feel like an unpaid carer and they have a son who was absent for 25 years and I have basically been covering his role.

I have my own family to look after, people who are grateful and speak to me with respect unlike MIL.

I have said to partner he needs to be arranging help and not expecting me to help as I have done plenty for them.

Partner is making me feel bad, but I am done being an unpaid carer to such a nasty woman.

Am I being unreasonable?

As is usually the case with these threads, you have a dp problem.

Nope you are not being nasty at all.

Let your partner provide any care and support they want to. Let your PILs pay for anything else that they need.

Say No and keep saying No. Sounds like you have already done more than your fair share and not been appreciated. If partner wants to help he can or organise outside help.

They are multi millionaires . They can pay for their own care surely. No way should you be expected too .

Why on earth would this be on you rather than their actual children??

Is this a cultural thing?

"a nasty person and blames it in vitamin deficiency"!!

That's absolutely hilarious!!

You would think so, but they are very tight with money.

I'm not sure why you are even considering this. Stop doing anything at all for them, they sound horrible. If someone was horrible to me I would not even consider helping them. Besides which, they are multimillionaires, they can pay for whatever they need.

Just back off and dis-involve (is that a word??) yourself completely.

Bright and breezy tone, “sorry to hear that you/they should get someone in to help” every time they or he suggests that someone should be you.

Id be busy rebuilding my business etc.

One of the sons is just not bothered and does his own thing.

My partner works 3am -1pm and is always shattered, I now work from home so it makes me the most viable option.

I think because I have helped them so much in the past it is just expected.

I would've cut them off after they suggested the food bank.
Tell your partner you no longer care if they live or die and he's on his own.
Absolutely revolting people.

No sorry. They can pay or lean on their sons.

Like hell would I be helping people who treat me badly. Why do you feel bad, do they feel bad? You are the only one putting this expectation on yourself. If your dp expects this of you, then he's also treating you badly.

Why does your DP think you should be doing this stuff for HIS parents?
Are they even your inlaws you call him DP not ?

Here’s your line: Oh I won’t be able to but <vague tone> I’m sure there is some kind of food bank for nursing and health support. You should look into that. <op exits room/ house/situation

They sound really selfish. Hold your boundaries.

Your partner needs to rearrange his work shifts to enable him to fulfil his caring responsibilities . Just like millions of women do.

Tell him you won’t be doing it anymore and it’s time for him to step up.

My in laws are in their 80s and in poor health. It's my DH, not me, who has stepped up and is giving extra help, because they're his parents and he's not a misogynist. I support him but that's all.

Very much this

Vile people. TBH they will reap what they sow if their closest family aren't willing to put themselves out. I think you had a view of your future during COVID and quite rightly don't want to put yourself through that again

Your DP needs to be looking after his parents. It's not your job. And don't let him give you this 'it's easier for you as you WFH'

No - they are rich, they can pay. The absolute cheek expecting you to give your time and effort for free for no thanks or appreciation!!!

I'm in almost same position.

My in laws have favoured other grandchildren and excluded ours from loads of things. Persuaded us to move hours away from my siblings (the only family I have) to near them so they could help with childcare. It made financial sense to us, we were struggling. We moved, they withdrew the offer leaving me with no family support and broke.

So yeah this last 2 years they've become frail. As I'm not in work atm it was expected of me to provide care for them. And I said no.

No guilt. They are not my parents. I support my dh in whatever way he needs to help care for his parents who incidentally are very very well off and can afford care. But no it's not physically coming from me.

Would of been different if they'd ever shown me any care or actually took any interest in our dc.

they aren't your parents, this isn't your role. Your DH and his siblings need to take responsibility for their parents.

You lost your business and they pointed you towards a food bank? Well now they're losing their health its only fair to point them towards help available through carers etc

Yep, this.

Your "help" extends to pointing them in the direction of local carers and that's where it ends.

I would struggle to retain any contact with multimillionaire in-laws who would send me and my children to a good bank rather than provide support through a crisis. When you say your family, does that mean their own grandchildren?

YANBU. They can pay for care.

I agree with all the advice given.

They are not my parents and not my responsibility.

Inlaws treat DP very well, he is always being treated and MIL is always doing things for him.

MIL is very snippy with me and very cold towards me but yet DP claims she see’s me like a daughter?

DP will try and make me feel guilty when I say it is not my job to help your parents.