To not want to help inlaws?

[lovecakess]

So my inlaws are getting on a bit now and have various operations coming up.

It has been hinted that they expect me to help but I dont want too for various reasons.

For years including lockdown I helped them endlessly and I feel it was never appreciated as I never even got a thank you.

MIL is a very nasty woman, she is always making snippy comments and isnt very friendly towards me and blames it on having various vitamin deficiencies.

During lockdown I did not work for 18 months and lost my beauty business and literally had to live of credit cards and universal credit.

MIL and FIL are multimillionaires, instead of offering to help ( as I have always done to them ) my MIL just advised me to go to a food bank.

As MIL is a keen sewer I would often give her clothing I did not want so she could use it for her projects. Never even thanked me.

I really do feel like an unpaid carer and they have a son who was absent for 25 years and I have basically been covering his role.

I have my own family to look after, people who are grateful and speak to me with respect unlike MIL.

I have said to partner he needs to be arranging help and not expecting me to help as I have done plenty for them.

Partner is making me feel bad, but I am done being an unpaid carer to such a nasty woman.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP - your partner sees you as a partner when it suits him - to provide free labour for his family - but let you go to a food bank in lockdown when his parents were happy to give him money.

the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. I’d move home permanently.

*So, you live together, but your DP received help from his extremely wealthy parents during lockdown, and your DP just sat by and watched you struggling on universal credit and getting into debt, instead of sharing that help from his parents with you? And now he expects you to fucking nurse them? When they told you to go to a food bank??

Your DP is as bad as his parents.*

This. Your DP is not a good person.

@lovecakess Please WAKE UP.
They are horrible, stingy, don't like you and treat you like dirt.

Your not so "D" P wants their money. He thinks he'll get it if he bullies you into waiting on them. He doesn't want to do it himself but he'll get the credit.

You are being used, by all of them.

@lovecakess - In relation to this bit in one of your posts:
"I cant ever discuss how I feel with DP as he gets very defensive of his parents and make excuses for them such as blaming her nastiness on vitamin deficiencies" I'd imagine that he gets defensive because he realises that if you didn't do these visits, he can't do them so they wouldn't see either of you. Take the vitamin deficiencies bit out of it because she is just plain old-school nasty towards you.

In relation to this bit in your post:
"When I stopped going round they asked DP why I dont go round anymore." you simply reply - "They're your parents and I was doing you a favour by visiting them. They aren't my parents and oh, they are out-and-out rude to me so I'm not putting myself forwards to be anyone's punching bag. If you want to visit them, I'm not going to stop you do that. I won't be visiting any more and if they ask, you can tell them it is because they were so rude and nasty to me. Manners cost nothing. They appear to have heaps of money but no manners!" and leave it at that.

Best of luck to you.

The whole family sound like a bunch of colossal twats. Jesus.

Your last post said you’d both decided to split up and just hadn’t gotten around to telling his parents, so why would he expect any help from you at all?

Absolutely not being unreasonable. Don’t do another minute of free care.

I was forced by proxy and lack of carers to take care of my mil as she dyed of cancer. Because I was one of two available females, we did it together, it was absolute hell on Earth with no training or experience.

Ot makes me quite angry to hear of women being assumed as carers now. Just NO. You are a person with your own life, not just a handy female. Keep telling them she needs someone qualified! It only gets worse as they get older and more unwell.

That's the poster I was thinking of!

Went round to collect her things?

Yeah, I thought this situation sounded familiar!

It's the working hours of 3am-1pm!

I think the hints were there in that post that OP hasn't made the break yet...

Your DH is an arsehole.

Also their his parents, he can nurse them. Put your feet up and ignore him trying to guilt you.

Of course one would always try to help family in need (you during lockdown) but they have no need. They are wealthy and have two sons so just keep saying no.

I bet their health issues have suddenly come out to play while you were off helping your relative. You’re not their maid and DP’s family should never think that they deserve to be prioritized over you.
I am not afraid to be petty. If they message demanding your help, I would say “You can try a food bank.” Same with the messages about DP. “He can cook for himself or find a food bank.” It would be my standard answer to virtually everything they said.

On your other thread you said you'd split up with him and moved away to be nearer your family - is that not correct?

YANBU to bin them all off anyway. Your MIL treats you abysmally and your DP is just as bad for standing up for her rather than protecting you. Do not give this woman (or your shitty excuse for a partner) a second more of your care and attention - you deserve better than this. Find your backbone and stand up for yourself.

He’s blatantly trying to guilt trip you into caring for them so he can get his inheritance. He’ll probably leave you after that and as you’re married you won’t be entitled to any of it. Your “DP” is not a good man.

I think the hints were there in that post that OP hasn't made the break yet...

Perhaps!

I mean what's the deal with telling his parents?

Just leave him & never look back!

My MIL (not a terrible relationship there but she does do my head in more often than not) was getting into the habit of expecting me to pick her up every week and take her shopping in the village. It's bloody hard work because she insists on a certain day at a certain time (no reason at all for this as she does literally NOTHING else all week) and she's a shop complainer. It gets embarrassing when she starts having a go at random minimum wage shopworkers about the price of this, the quality of that or them being out of stock or an item having new packaging.
Thankfully DH goes instead now and whenever she asks me stuff I just say, "Sure, I'll let DH know/Ask DH". Thankfully he's a modern man who doesn't think looking after parents is wife-work like MIL does.

cant ever discuss how I feel with DP as he gets very defensive of his parents and make excuses for them such as blaming her nastiness on vitamin deficiencies

this would be v unattractive to me. So you are not his priority then?

YANBU. Your MIL sounds awful and your DP not a lot better honestly.

Do you have kids together? Own a home? Are you happy together otherwise?

I'd be seriously re-thinking the relationship with him. I couldn't cope with this constant bullying from MIL, and even worse the utter lack of support from DP.

No sorry thats not correct - whilst they do sound like horrors you still have a DH problem if he's never called them out on their behaviour. He's allowing them to have a negative impact on your relationship.

Imagine this scenario: OP slaves for years to care for her partner's parents because they're as good as married, right? Her partner then inherits a fortune, partly off the back of her hard working looking after his parents, but he decides he doesn't want OP in his life any more. They split, she gets next-to-nothing.

If they were married in the above scenario, things would be very different.

No you are not being unreasonable. Stick to your guns and tell DP to support you.

His parents have often said DP will inherit everything with the other siblings cut out the will as they never help

If this is true at all, that would explain why DP wants you to dance to their tune - the flipside being that if he doesn't get all their money, or even if it's shared, it'll be all your fault

Frankly I'd tell the whole lot of them to go to hell, but only you can make that decision

Thanks for all the advice and support.

The break between me and DP has changed him for the better to be honest, but his parents is the downfall of an otherwise great relationship.

All the issues were addressed to DP tonight and he will relay everything back to his parents over the weekend.

Basically I do not want anything to do with his parents and they are not to contact me (MIL is blocked anyway) in any way.

DP has agreed not to disclose any of my business to them (MIL has a habit of broadcasting my business to everyone).

DP said he understood to an extent and that she dosent mean it etc but that is not my problem.

As in relation to the care with the various operations coming up DP will arrange the care between himself the other siblings and the grandkids.

I feel a lot better getting it all out there to be honest.