To not want to help inlaws?

[lovecakess]

So my inlaws are getting on a bit now and have various operations coming up.

It has been hinted that they expect me to help but I dont want too for various reasons.

For years including lockdown I helped them endlessly and I feel it was never appreciated as I never even got a thank you.

MIL is a very nasty woman, she is always making snippy comments and isnt very friendly towards me and blames it on having various vitamin deficiencies.

During lockdown I did not work for 18 months and lost my beauty business and literally had to live of credit cards and universal credit.

MIL and FIL are multimillionaires, instead of offering to help ( as I have always done to them ) my MIL just advised me to go to a food bank.

As MIL is a keen sewer I would often give her clothing I did not want so she could use it for her projects. Never even thanked me.

I really do feel like an unpaid carer and they have a son who was absent for 25 years and I have basically been covering his role.

I have my own family to look after, people who are grateful and speak to me with respect unlike MIL.

I have said to partner he needs to be arranging help and not expecting me to help as I have done plenty for them.

Partner is making me feel bad, but I am done being an unpaid carer to such a nasty woman.

Am I being unreasonable?

Your time has a value.

Value your time appropriately and don't waste it on these people.

Personally, I'd consider ditching the DP too, based on what you've written.

A million per cent this!

Have a response ready to go along the lines of the above:
"Oh, that's very sad. You should look into whatever the community caring equivalent is of a food bank. They should be able to help you out."

They are not only mean and tight with their money (which they can't take with them when they're gone) but they are cruel with it too. Why wouldn't they have made an altruistic donation to the wife of their son to help her out, to help him out?

You need to sit down with your husband and tell it to him straight - that you're not going to look after his mother or his father in their dotage. They have enough money to pay for whatever they might need but they just refuse to.

Perhaps it would be beneficial for him to seek lasting power of attorney in both health and financial matters now, while they are both of sound mind and body (for the moment anyways)? Especially if his brother has fecked off somewhere and isn't helping out.

I'm just wondering if you should even consider going further down this path of a relationship with your DP, if he really feels that you should be carer to his parents when you're not even married.

I'd have to think long and hard about whether I would want to stay in a relationship which is so blatantly unequal in the division of work.

As someone else suggested, your DP needs to change his hours so that any caring for his parents comes from him and not you. You are essentially nothing to these people. You're not a DiL so they are not your 'in laws' at all. Even more reason to step back from them.

They aren't your in-laws if you have a partner, they are your boyfriend's parents. Why would they give their son's gf handouts because your business went tits up during covid? Stop doing stuff for them, but equally you aren't entitled to handouts no matter how wealthy they are, you aren't even married into their family.

Tell your dh to look after them himself as you won’t be doing it, otherwise they can pay for help. Put your foot down!

I wouldn’t stay with a person who assumed me into a servants role with his family and tried to bribe me to accept it with a future faking story about being included in their will! Fuck me: you are not even included in your partner’s finances and assets—he doesn’t care enough about you to secure your present, let alone your future. And nor do they.

What did you say when she suggested you visit a food bank? That's horrible. I would've lost it at that point. Though I often react impulsively

That's very judgmental not everyone chooses to get married! Why should they treat her any differently just because they don't have a marriage certificate? Plenty of people spend their whole lives together without marrying

This is 100% a DP problem. If his parents refuse to pay for care then he has a choice whether to provide that care or not as their son, but he has no right to guilt trip you into picking up his slack.

My DH's parents are not in good health and they arrogantly refuse to take the advice of HCP's so things are bound to get worse. I have been very clear that I have no intention of doing any caring for them, ever. My main reason for this is that they have always treated DH like shit. They openly favour his Dsis and her DC despite her never doing anything for them. I understand that DH still feels a certain amount of obligation towards them because they're his parents, but I have no such obligation. Fortunately, DH completely accepts that and would never make me feel bad.
PIL can easily afford to pay for care, but if they choose not to then my suggestion will be that SIL step up since she has benefited her whole life from a high level of financial, emotional and practical help that was never given to DH.

I would suggest care agencies/ cleaners etc or whatever they needs help with in just same same bright and breezy manner she suggested the food bank to you if I was you.

DP will try and make me feel guilty when I say it is not my job to help your parents

Tell him to stfu about it, sort his on parents out or you'll be rethinking the whole relationship.

Where was he when you were struggling for money to the point of being advised to use food banks?

When she suggested visiting a food bank I was just so stunned to even reply.

I cant ever discuss how I feel with DP as he gets very defensive of his parents and make excuses for them such as blaming her nastiness on vitamin deficiencies.

I used to go round as they get lonely and I wouldnt even be offered a cup of tea.
MIL would look at her watch and say “oh what time is it?”, making me feel very unwelcome.

When I stopped going round they asked DP why I dont go round anymore.

DP is good to me and it really is his parents which is the downfall of the relationship.

I have practically cut of contact with his parents after how rude MIL spoke to me for no reason at all last Friday.

DP has a very good relationship with his parents and his parents have often said DP will inherit everything with the other siblings cut out the will as they never help.

Ah, so that's what he's up to. He thinks that if you skivvy for them on his behalf, he'll inherit their millions.

Well they might be lying about the inheritance (one of my parents often said they'd leave money to my kids, but didn't leave them a penny). But if it's true, he'll just have to help them himself.

If you're not married, he could use you to "earn" his inheritance, which would be his alone not yours as well, and then leave you. You'd have no claim on his money.

And he can fuck right off with the idea that since you WFH and he doesn't, you're somehow more available. When you're at work, you're at work regardless of location, and you're not working any less hard.

Just keep saying no .they are very lucky and can afford to pay for the care they need moving forward.
Don't allow your husband to push you into helping .They haven't built a relationship with you nor helped by the sounds of it.

My advice would be to say

'I really need to concentrate my time on salvaging my business, it really suffered when I was spending all my time solving xyz.

Why not hire in xyz, you can afford it".

This is not passive aggressive, it is a clear communicated boundary. It also sets a clear expectation for DP and PIL.

DP can moan all he likes, or he can give his own time. If anyone makes any noises about you not being supportive then I would walk away from all of them. Support goes 2 ways in a healthy family dynamic.

Good luck OP

DP is good to me

No he isn't. He's trying to guilt you into being an unpaid servant to his wealthy, vile parents.

DP was struggling himself in lockdown and his mum gave him financial help.

Anytime DP has a problem his parents will help him without any hesitation.

As I have been spending alot more time with my family as I have a relative who is in hospital, MIL does not like this at all.

She even text last Friday to say “what are we doing with your stuff? My son is lonely” etc which is when I snapped at her to mind her own business and blocked her.

Do you and your DP live together?

It matters as she could slave away for years, dp inherits then could ditch her without paying a penny.

I don’t think so. Bad manners sets me right off. Thank you is 2 words!!!

You don’t have to be mean about it but like others have said, suggest carers because you are trying to rebuild your business and you won’t have the time to dedicate and can’t promise to be there. They need someone with experience and enough time to care for them properly etc

Yes they have been mean to you but you’ll end up being the outcast annoyingly if you are mean about it. Absolutely shouldn’t be the case but chances are that’s what would happen.

Catch those flies with honey, not vinegar!

They are not your parents.

They are not your responsibility.

They're not even nice people.

They don't appreciate you.

They make you feel shit.

Having a vagina does not make you a qualified carer. Let him care for his damn parents if it's so important to him.

Yes we live together but I have been staying with family for the last few weeks helping out a relative who has not been too well.

It maybe a permanent thing - me living close to my own family, something MIL has made clear she has a massive issue with.

I live 2 hours away from my hometown where all my family reside.

This is so like another poster who has just left her partner due to his mum's behaviour!

Maybe you should think about what you get out of the relationship Op?

Exactly this.

So, you live together, but your DP received help from his extremely wealthy parents during lockdown, and your DP just sat by and watched you struggling on universal credit and getting into debt, instead of sharing that help from his parents with you? And now he expects you to fucking nurse them? When they told you to go to a food bank??

Your DP is as bad as his parents.

Do not help any of them with anything.

blaming her nastiness on vitamin deficiencies

”Spend some of your millions on some fucking Sanatogen, then,” would be my answer to that.