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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help inlaws?

103 replies

lovecakess · 25/08/2023 09:48

So my inlaws are getting on a bit now and have various operations coming up.

It has been hinted that they expect me to help but I dont want too for various reasons.

For years including lockdown I helped them endlessly and I feel it was never appreciated as I never even got a thank you.

MIL is a very nasty woman, she is always making snippy comments and isnt very friendly towards me and blames it on having various vitamin deficiencies.

During lockdown I did not work for 18 months and lost my beauty business and literally had to live of credit cards and universal credit.

MIL and FIL are multimillionaires, instead of offering to help ( as I have always done to them ) my MIL just advised me to go to a food bank.

As MIL is a keen sewer I would often give her clothing I did not want so she could use it for her projects. Never even thanked me.

I really do feel like an unpaid carer and they have a son who was absent for 25 years and I have basically been covering his role.

I have my own family to look after, people who are grateful and speak to me with respect unlike MIL.

I have said to partner he needs to be arranging help and not expecting me to help as I have done plenty for them.

Partner is making me feel bad, but I am done being an unpaid carer to such a nasty woman.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Howyiz · 25/08/2023 10:43

So what if he gets snippy?

Tell him, his parents his responsibility. Completely different story of they had ever been supportive of you.

My In-laws tried to rope me into a rota system to help with their mum, I pointed out that my husband was her son, I was not blood related.

Mil was awful and her nasty comments about my much loved mother when she was dying in hospital was the last straw for me.

I stopped visiting, stopped buying her presents, stopped helping with her banking etc, etc etc. Just completely washed my hands of her. It was incredibly freeing.

DingDongDenny · 25/08/2023 10:45

I would get some leaflets from a couple of local care agencies and send them to them,

RhymesWithTangerine · 25/08/2023 10:47

Are you even married OP?

Sicario · 25/08/2023 10:54

Your DP is manipulating you (call it gaslighting if you want) by saying his parents think of you as a daughter. That's bullshit.

What it actually means is that you are FEMALE and therefore all the caring and running around is your job.

Well fuck that.

You really do need to grow a thick skin and stick to your guns. Tell him outright to stop piling on the guilt because it's not your responsibility and you are not going to change your mind.

Look up FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). It's something that is drilled into a lot of women from early girlhood - that they should do as they're told or else.

Distance yourself from your in-laws as much as you can and practice emotional detachment (including not caring what they think of you and ignoring your DH when he tries to get you to do the work he doesn't want to).

dahliadazed · 25/08/2023 10:58

My in laws have a reached a point where their health is declining and they need help - DH can’t say no to them but I refuse to help them.

My in laws made it very clear that we were not allowed to ask them for help, we had to wait for them to offer. As a result despite them visiting regularly we have never asked for help.

Now my children are teens. my husband is around more - we are on the other side of a very difficult period of our lives and we did it without help from in laws.

I am a nurturing person but in the case of my in laws I can’t bring myself to help such cold people.

SeulementUneFois · 25/08/2023 11:02

saltrocking · 25/08/2023 10:14

I'm in almost same position.

My in laws have favoured other grandchildren and excluded ours from loads of things. Persuaded us to move hours away from my siblings (the only family I have) to near them so they could help with childcare. It made financial sense to us, we were struggling. We moved, they withdrew the offer leaving me with no family support and broke.

So yeah this last 2 years they've become frail. As I'm not in work atm it was expected of me to provide care for them. And I said no.

No guilt. They are not my parents. I support my dh in whatever way he needs to help care for his parents who incidentally are very very well off and can afford care. But no it's not physically coming from me.

Would of been different if they'd ever shown me any care or actually took any interest in our dc.

Well done@saltrocking for not letting yourself being taken advantage of.
Really I think your DH should remember what they did, or more specifically didn't do, for you two as a team, and pull back on his support as well.
But I understand they're his parents ...

Truemilk · 25/08/2023 11:09

You reep what you sow on life, if she'd been decent towards you in the past you'd be more than happy to help her now.

Stand your ground on this one

dahliadazed · 25/08/2023 11:10

Distance yourself from your in-laws as much as you can and practice emotional detachment (including not caring what they think of you and ignoring your DH when he tries to get you to do the work he doesn't want to)

Absolutely this! I used to feel really hurt by my in laws, when I stopped caring it was a great weight off me. MIL had an accident and I was shocked by my lack of care but then I remembered that they created this feeling and I don’t feel like that about anyone else.

shelbaby · 25/08/2023 11:13

No way, your absolutely right. They sound like the type of people that will take advantage. U give them an inch they take a mile all while not even being nice to you!

They have the money and therefore can afford to get hired help. Don't let ur dh make u feel guilty. They aren't ur problem. Sounds like he's maybe projecting his guilt on to you. He can help them if he wants or arrange the help. Don't get involved.

whynotwhatknot · 25/08/2023 11:17

bugger that-go to a food bank? tell them theres plenty of carer agencies and give them a list of numbers

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/08/2023 11:17

My mother had a saying, "Eaten bread is soon forgotten." Your in-laws and to some extent your DP have been CFs in this instance. Demanding help whilst not respecting you or even being polite.
You can bet that saying now will immediately erase any help you've given in the past. Its the CF way.
You need to remind DP of everything you've done so far, the cost even in time and petrol - at a time when you yourself are struggling. It is not fair for him to volunteer you as a substitute for him.
If they were nice or kind to you it would be different. its easy for him to say they love you, when there's no actual evidence of that so he needs to acknowledge that.
BTW, my in-laws now give DH petrol money if he comes to help (not if its social of course - but when it's something they need his help with.) This started during the petrol crisis and he was going there a lot. He felt bad at first but it makes them feel better about asking. Why isn't something like that even being offered if they are advising food banks? So judgemental.

With people who are dyed in the wool CFs you need to clearly ask for what you want and tell them firmly what you are prepared to do and not prepared to do and repeat and mean it. The worst that can happen is that they try to make you feel bad. But Its not like helping them so far has changed their opinion or made them better disposed towards you so what have you got to lose?

Admitedly they are getting more frail and probably find it hard to organise or trust getting people into help but that is something that DH could start researching. Age Concern in MILs area would have some advice on organising cleaners, extra help etc. That's a starting point for DP.

feathermucker · 25/08/2023 11:20

Put your foot down and do not let your DP make you feel bad.

Keep repeating that it does not work for you and stand firm.

If they have millions, they can pay for any care themselves. Your partner sounds unsupportive and draining.

littlefireseverywhere · 25/08/2023 11:26

I second this. I had similar from MIL who expected me to do a lot for them. Unfortunately my DM was ill for a time so I said I can’t do anything, you need to speak to DH. This acted as the buffer I needed, but in your situation I think you’d just need to say no. Would be totally different if you wanted to do it but you don’t! Support your DP to get more involved or buying in care but it’s not you organising it.

LlynTegid · 25/08/2023 11:29

MIL can be nice and is to DP, chooses not to be to you. Enough reason to say no.

jolies1 · 25/08/2023 11:34

OP I would find it really hard not to say ‘you had the opportunity to help me when I was struggling and refused, what makes you think I am responsible for voluntarily helping you now? I’m prepared to take on x hours of work a week to help you once I have finished my actual job. My hourly rate is £25 an hour with added petrol costs. You think I’m being a CF? Oh well, you’ll need to speak to your GP.’

saraclara · 25/08/2023 11:36

Inlaws treat DP very well, he is always being treated and MIL is always doing things for him.

Did they tell him to go to a food bank, too?

Knittedfairies · 25/08/2023 11:46

Tell them you're too busy queuing at the food bank to help out.

MsRosley · 25/08/2023 11:48

I can't get past them telling you to go to a foodbank when they have piles of cash. I mean, I'm all for not bank-rolling entitled kids, but that's extraordinary. Did they not at least offer to lend you money?

I too would be tempted to tell them to go fuck themselves, but perhaps your DH is worried they'll cut him out of their will out of spite.

nappiesandcontracts · 25/08/2023 11:51

You describe your partner as DP not DH - does this mean you're not married? If so they're not your in-laws, they're your partner's parents.

If they're multimillionaires your partner has a vested interest in helping them but - being blunt/mercenary - there's nothing in it for you!

You have absolutely no duty - legally or morally - to help them unless you want to - which it sounds like (understandably given their past conduct) you don't.

CherryMaDeara · 25/08/2023 11:51

You are absolutely right not to help!

DP is a dick expecting you to help just because you have a vagina.

What is your financial situation? I hope you’re not paying DP’s mortgage?

pikkumyy77 · 25/08/2023 11:57

Oops it ate my comment. Briefly: if you are not married (and even if you are) they and DO clearly regard you as a servant and not a family member. They believe you should silently serve and no thanks or consideration need be given. DO wants to preserve good relations in case they leave him money. They want service without the necessity of gratitude or payment someone they see as an outsider.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/08/2023 12:00

Good grief no. They can pay for the help they need. If your husband doesn’t like it, he’s free to pick up the slack.
Why do so many women continue to tolerate this crap?

Fecksakereallygodreally · 25/08/2023 12:00

Sod them! You are a person not a slave!

Original poster
lovecakess · 25/08/2023 12:08

Were not married but have been together a number of years.

MIL will do DP washing, buy his lunch, buy him anything he wants etc.

In the past I have spent hours helping them from the goodness of my heart, all I wanted was to be appreciated and spoken to with respect.

I do feel as if DP tries to brainwash me into thinking that “they see me as a daughter” so that he has someone else to help them.

He even told me that they had included me in their will, which I do not believe and makes no difference to me at all.

DP has a very good relationship with his parents and his parents have often said DP will inherit everything with the other siblings cut out the will as they never help.

OP posts:
whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 25/08/2023 12:09

I told my dh that I am not/will not ever be reduced to being a carer. He began sort of expecting it as his parents age.I held firm and at one point it nearly cost me my marriage but I was willing to walk away on principle. They disrespected me for years too. They cannot pick and choose on when to be decent for their own ends. I was having none of it. State your position clearly and stick to it.