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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say to parents of fussy eaters…

143 replies

dogssaywoof · 25/08/2023 09:31

That it’s not your fault?

I’ve seen lots of posts on here where parents of fussy eaters are told that it had just fed their child a better diet/didn’t give any other options/let them try different foods as a baby etc etc that they wouldn’t be such a fussy eater. it always sounds like there’s an underlying blame on the parents for not trying different or more adventurous foods because someone else said they fed their baby a better diet and now they eat quinoa and olives and honey smoked salmon etc.

i just wanted to post to say that this is NOT always the case.

as a baby, I was fed a multitude of different foods from weaning. As a 2 year old I ate mussels, asparagus, garlic mushrooms, and all sorts of other weird and wonderful foods. I ate every fruit and vegetable. Was as far from a fussy eater as possible. But as I got older as a child that changed completely. I like vegetables now but only a few types vs every type as a 4 year old. I used to love seafood and physically don’t think I could swallow it out of disgust now. I don’t like egg yolk, again, something I loved and had no problems with it. There’s a list of things I dislike now. If I get a burger I have to get absolutely everything off it. No cheese. No salad. No pasta. No pizza. No red meat. No dressings/dips/sauces. You get the drill

im not saying it’s good to be a fussy eater because obviously it can be restrictive but what I am saying is that it’s not always to do with the foods etc you feed them as an infant. Otherwise I would be the most adventurous eater in the world! My mum took me to the dr as a child who said it’s just the way some people’s tastebuds are and it’s normal. Sometimes tastebuds change over time and people can dislike things, some people will dislike more things than normal but if your child is fussy please don’t blame yourself because actually it’s probably nothing to do with what you fed them and it’s just the way they are!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/08/2023 16:31

Lacew1ng55 · 25/08/2023 20:25

We are a very foody family, cook everything from scratch, every cuisine and every type of fruit and veg. 1 meal round the table. You don’t like it, you go without.

Still got a son weaned from the same pot as his twin who has always struggled
and now at 18 eats very little other than beige dry. Many many nights he went to bed hungry.

What horrible way to treat a child

You knew he couldn't eat the food and you still punished him

How vile

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2023 16:32

Lacew1ng55 · 25/08/2023 20:36

Not sure because now I’d be blaming myself but looking bank meals must have been hard for him.

Torture.

You go to bed hungry most nights and see how it feels

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2023 16:32

MargaretThursday · 25/08/2023 22:37

Fussy eating = attention seeking.

Totally disagree. If I didn't want to eat then I would have far rather had no attention and been ignored. The worse thing about not liking the food was the attention about it.
I still struggle to eat if I feel attention is on what/how much I'm eating or there's an expectation to eat it all.

^^This

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2023 16:35

Ylvamoon · 26/08/2023 15:39

I just came back to think thread. And reading some of the replies makes me wonder. Were the fussy eaters breast or formula fed. If breast fed, what was the mother's diet?
Maybe there is a link? Or its just pot luck...

Pot luck

I was bottle fed

Lacew1ng55 · 26/08/2023 16:36

Was the way I was raised and previous generations. You do what you are advised to do at the time. Not going to feel guilty about it at all.

VictoriaVenkman · 26/08/2023 16:36

I think the issue is the term 'fussy eater'. To me it does not imply a medical diagnosis that explains why certain foods cannot be consumed. It implies a child who will one day eat spaghetti bolognese for example yet the next will refuse to eat it.

When growing up, I was brought up with limited food available as a young child due to budget. If I didn't eat what was in front of me, there was nothing else. It was standard to say that if you refuse food you will eventually eat it as you are hungry, and you did. Nothing else could have made me eat liver and onions at primary school as it was bitter and nasty but I knew that only two slices of bread and jam would be available at home for dinner so I'd be hungry.

FasciaDreams · 26/08/2023 16:37

Merapi · 26/08/2023 16:09

I hear you OP.

What I loathe is the term 'fussy' in itself, which makes it sound like the child is just being pandered to. Nobody would describe someone with arachnophobia as just being 'fussy' around spiders, would they?

Until you have had to contend with a toddler frantically trying to escape from a high chair simply because they are utterly terrified of a single pea on their plate, you have no idea what parents who have kids with eating disorders have to go through.

While OP is definitely not being U I do think there are some nuances.
MN is a UK, mostly MC site so parents can try all sorts of different foods. But people on the breadline where that is genuinely all they have... child going hungry isn't an idle threat, they just can't go out and buy loads of different types of food.

I'm ND (so is DH) and while there are some things we genuinely cannot stand some things we just don't like. As a kid I refused to eat anything mushy (legend has it that I spit baby food straight into granny's face). Didn't quite like veggies but if left long and hungry enough would eat it. Absolutely looooved tinned sardines. etc. Unlike others with more severe sensory issues I don't think ours are particularly 'ND' I'm sure NT people have some things they absolutely cannot stand either.

I just trust parents to know their kids. Of course, if they've tried everything and the child has a very narrow range of acceptable foods that's fine. But the other way saying 'well that's just what they are ' not fine.

Kids are all so different. People should share their experiences without judging.

Sirzy · 26/08/2023 16:46

Lacew1ng55 · 26/08/2023 16:36

Was the way I was raised and previous generations. You do what you are advised to do at the time. Not going to feel guilty about it at all.

You don’t feel bad for letting your son go hungry even though you knew that approach didn’t have any impact?

There are lots of things previous generations have done which we now realise were wrong. We don’t just keep doing things because that’s how it was.

Hubblebubble · 26/08/2023 16:49

I ate stinging nettles boiled up with lentils as a child. I ate it because the other option was hunger. It was sometimes served for days in a row and I had to listen to my SF harp on about its health benefits. So for neurotypical children, the eat it or starve approach does work.

However, as an adult I will never again eat stinging nettle dahl. My own child has the option of buttered toast if they don't like their (nettle free) meal.

crushercreel · 26/08/2023 16:49

Lacew1ng55 · 26/08/2023 16:36

Was the way I was raised and previous generations. You do what you are advised to do at the time. Not going to feel guilty about it at all.

You should.

My grandparents had a similar attitude to you. I ended up in hospital because of it.

Lacew1ng55 · 26/08/2023 16:49

Nope we were advised that just eating chips , pasta and nuggets wasn’t healthy and if he was hungry enough he’d eat. Not to coax with alternatives . He didn’t moan or cry and was a good weight.

Lacew1ng55 · 26/08/2023 16:49

crushercreel

Definitely won’t be.

crushercreel · 26/08/2023 16:52

Lacew1ng55 · 26/08/2023 16:49

crushercreel

Definitely won’t be.

If you have grandchildren I hope you're never allowed to look after them.

Any one who repeatedly makes a child go hungry is a cruel, disgusting person who should never be allowed to have kids.

Lacew1ng55 · 26/08/2023 16:56

I’m sure I’ll be a great grandmother and my son loves me dearly. We learn and move on. There are hoards of things we’d do differently when we look back at parenting. I followed the advise we were told at the time and my son had zero health issues and has never been underweight.

Hubblebubble · 26/08/2023 16:56

@crushercreel a neurotypical child who has a plate of food infront of them that they refuse to eat isn't being made to go hungry.

crushercreel · 26/08/2023 17:31

Hubblebubble · 26/08/2023 16:56

@crushercreel a neurotypical child who has a plate of food infront of them that they refuse to eat isn't being made to go hungry.

The PP mentions that many many nights her son, with struggled with food, went to bed hungry. And seems almost proud of that fact.

unicornhair · 26/08/2023 18:09

I think people forget not that long ago that diets were much less varied. DH grew up having potatoes, over cooked meat and a small amount of over cooked veg for almost every single meal.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/08/2023 08:35

I think people forget not that long ago that diets were much less varied. DH grew up having potatoes, over cooked meat and a small amount of over cooked veg for almost every single meal.

How long ago? This wasn't universally the case!

Lacew1ng55 · 27/08/2023 09:00

Nope not proud but absolutely don’t feel bad about it as it was the advice at the time.We also tried to make meals palatable and include things he liked in the first place without subjecting the rest of us to his restrictions.Simply pointing out it didn’t make him less fussy and we did everything we were supposed to do. So you can step away from your pitchforks,there is no resentment from him and I won’t be tying myself up in knots about it

unicornhair · 27/08/2023 10:09

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/08/2023 08:35

I think people forget not that long ago that diets were much less varied. DH grew up having potatoes, over cooked meat and a small amount of over cooked veg for almost every single meal.

How long ago? This wasn't universally the case!

The 70s. I must say I wasn’t very different, we didn’t really eat ‘foreign food’ my parents were born in the 1930s.

NoPazuzu · 27/08/2023 11:08

Hubblebubble · 26/08/2023 16:56

@crushercreel a neurotypical child who has a plate of food infront of them that they refuse to eat isn't being made to go hungry.

That assumes that Lacew1ng55's son is NT. And she doesn't strike me as someone who would care or do anything different if he wasn't. Generally people who are happy to let a NT child go hungry are also happy to let a ND child go hungry.

GCSister · 27/08/2023 12:47

Ylvamoon · 26/08/2023 15:39

I just came back to think thread. And reading some of the replies makes me wonder. Were the fussy eaters breast or formula fed. If breast fed, what was the mother's diet?
Maybe there is a link? Or its just pot luck...

Pot luck.
Both my parents were very adventurous with food and my siblings eat a very varied diet.

I have a very small list of safe foods that I can eat. Thanks to hypnotherapy I have managed to add some items to that list but it's still quite small.

Kwasi · 27/08/2023 23:37

DS ate whatever was put in front of him until he was almost two. He’s five now hasn’t eaten a single vegetable in over three years. He’ll try stuff but just doesn’t like it. He has even been offered extremely generous gifts in exchange for chewing AND swallowing but he simply can’t bring himself to chew and swallow food he doesn’t like.

He doesn’t eat meat and only likes a handful of fruits. He eats very plain, carby foods and also has a raging sweet tooth. He eats the same breakfast and lunch every day, and dinner is a three-meal rotation. We never get to go out for lunch, which is a real shame.

HV has told me he will get there eventually and the important thing is that he’s eating. I am not convinced, though.

Craycraycatbaby · 28/08/2023 07:40

I do agree to extent - sometimes it IS the parents fault as they only ever offered plain foods, sweet foods etc and now there's no going back. I was fed loads as a baby, became fussy at about age 4/5 but now as an adult I eat everything. There are only a few foods I don't like. Hate chips and rice but will eat them. Just find them plain, boring and claggy.
My 8 year old DS only dislikes mozzarella and McDonald's so I'm extremely lucky with that little weirdo 😅

Mummyof32023 · 28/08/2023 10:03

As a kid I was so fussy with food especially when aboard with my grandparents. Now as an adult I'm still fussy and will only eat what I like but being pregnant it's also what baby will let me eat!

Now as a parent I have two very fussy eaters and I accept that it could be because I was so fussy as a child. Karma right. So congrats if your child will eat everything under the sun but some kids are fussy especially SEN children!