To say to parents of fussy eaters…

[dogssaywoof]

That it’s not your fault?

I’ve seen lots of posts on here where parents of fussy eaters are told that it had just fed their child a better diet/didn’t give any other options/let them try different foods as a baby etc etc that they wouldn’t be such a fussy eater. it always sounds like there’s an underlying blame on the parents for not trying different or more adventurous foods because someone else said they fed their baby a better diet and now they eat quinoa and olives and honey smoked salmon etc.

i just wanted to post to say that this is NOT always the case.

as a baby, I was fed a multitude of different foods from weaning. As a 2 year old I ate mussels, asparagus, garlic mushrooms, and all sorts of other weird and wonderful foods. I ate every fruit and vegetable. Was as far from a fussy eater as possible. But as I got older as a child that changed completely. I like vegetables now but only a few types vs every type as a 4 year old. I used to love seafood and physically don’t think I could swallow it out of disgust now. I don’t like egg yolk, again, something I loved and had no problems with it. There’s a list of things I dislike now. If I get a burger I have to get absolutely everything off it. No cheese. No salad. No pasta. No pizza. No red meat. No dressings/dips/sauces. You get the drill

im not saying it’s good to be a fussy eater because obviously it can be restrictive but what I am saying is that it’s not always to do with the foods etc you feed them as an infant. Otherwise I would be the most adventurous eater in the world! My mum took me to the dr as a child who said it’s just the way some people’s tastebuds are and it’s normal. Sometimes tastebuds change over time and people can dislike things, some people will dislike more things than normal but if your child is fussy please don’t blame yourself because actually it’s probably nothing to do with what you fed them and it’s just the way they are!

I have 2 DDs. Realistically they weren't both parented exactly the same, but not far off. DD1 eats almost everything and is always willing to try new things.

DD2 has been an issue since we started weaning. I tried to follow the HV advice of not feeding purees, that everything should have done texture. That would make her vomit copiously. I came close to telling the HV that I'd happily follow her advice if she'd come round and clear up the mess every mealtime. Since then DD2 has had a fairly restrictive diet. She also has some sort of neuro divergence, albeit mild. I assume that's somewhat related, but not sure how.

Interestingly I think it bothers me more than her at this stage. I worry about what she's going to eat on playdates or school residentials. I've spoken to a colleague who is a massively picky eater and he has reassured me quite a bit.

"You can learn to like any food"

"They won't starve themselves"

Both utter bollocks spoken by people lucky enough to have not had to walk this particular pathway, who think they have it all correct and those who struggle have parented incorrectly in some way. They don't realise how fortunate they have been!

Ds absolutely would starve himself if told "it's that or nothing." Currently on (v long) pathway to ASD assessment. With him, it's all about texture. Anything with liquid (so gravy, sauces) is a big no. As is anything fibrous like chicken or other cooked meat. He would happily exist on cheese, toast and jacket potato given the chance - although to be fair, he is actually pretty good with a wide range of fruit and veg. Dd will eat pretty much anything and everything. Both weaned in exactly the same way, wide range of flavours and textures.

It's not (necessarily) pandering parents and those of us desperately trying to expand our children's options for food or having to somehow or other work around them in order to actually get food into them find it hard enough without all the judgement and implied criticism.

OP- thank you! It's helpful to know that some people get it!

I’d be seen as a fussy eater. And I really don’t know why people care so much about other people’s eating habits. Why would me eating a plain burger affect someone else? I don’t get it. I never inconvenience anyone.

My older ASD child was fussy, will now eat almost anything. My younger NT child was brought up on everything as a result of her older sibling being fussy, in a bid that we wouldn’t have the same situation - but she is now fussy 😒 we can’t bloody win. She is healthy and happy, and I would love for her to get into more of a range of foods , because it can be really restricting when out and about. We’re working on it, but I also completely get it

And when I say restricting, I mean restricting for her.

There are so many reasons as to why a child is labelled a fussy eater.

The 3 main things I noticed with my DC:

• the temperature of the food
• strong flavours especially savory
• the texture of food

I was a 'fussy' eater as a child and was brought up in the 'they will eat if they are hungry' school of parenting. I didn't. There was no amount of hunger in the world that could make me eat what are considered even 'normal' foods. I ended up with an eating disorder and have been diagnosed with ARFID.

It's not that I want to be like this but it seems to be hardwired. I have had hypnotherapy etc without any success. Being invited out for dinner causes a huge level of anxiety and I miss out on lots of social events because of it.

I would love to be able to explore and enjoy food but it's never going to happen for me which is a shame as my partner is a real foodie. Luckily he accepts me for who I am & understands.

I offered DS1 a massive variety of things as a baby. I offered him home cooked, organic, free range everything. He has always been massively fussy, would only eat beige food. I felt like shit when friends and acquaintances told me their kids ate what they were given and were quite smug about the fact that it was because they’d introduced them to a wide variety of food at a young age. I felt like I must have got weaning wrong with my son for him to be so fussy.

DS2 came along and he eats everything. DD does too, they are the most unfussy children who eat anything they are given. If I didn’t have DS1 I’d probably be smugly giving myself a pat on the back too.

It made me realise how little to do with the parenting it is. They are all different.

For what it’s worth ds1 is now 6 and while he still has some sensory issues with food, he can’t eat anything in a sauce, food can’t be mixed up or touching eat other he actually eats a healthy range of things. As a toddler he wouldn’t even look at a vegetable but he now eats peas, carrots, sweetcorn and broccoli so I’m over the moon with how far he’s come.

Careful OP don't feed them chicken pops they are the devil's work apparently....😂 Just check the cooking instructions first 🤦

Dd has been a fussy eater since the moment I weaned her....and still is (she's 17!)
I tried all the purees, Anabel Karmel recipes, got her involved in cooking etc etc , but she just likes a limited variety of foods.
In the past year or 2 she has started to try a few new things but it's really not been through lack of trying that her diet is so limited.

Sleep, food, potty training, nighttime dryness - I think they all involve a degree of luck....but people fortunate enough to breeze through all those congratulate themselves on their superior parenting!

One thing that interests me is that more children seem to be fussy eaters these days and only eat very beige foods. My son is like this but I know several others. Why is there an an increase in fussy eating?! Is it that parents are less strict? I feel in the past there might have been more of an "you eat what you're given or you go hungry" attitude. I always thought I was a fussy eater as a child but looking back I ate very nutritious meals like home made curries, various pasta dishes, shepherd's pies, lots of fruit and veg. I know a lot of kids who wouldn't touch these foods.
My neice only eats chicken nuggets, pasta, pain au chocolate and chips. I find diets this limited quite concerning - I mean where on earth are they getting their vitamins from?!
I also find it interesting that my neice seems to be absolutely thriving on this diet - she's tall, sporty, doing well academically. Age couldn't be any healthier! So is healthy over rated or is it that she's simply storing up problems for the future?

I was born in the 80s and there definetly was lots of children around my age who only ate beige oven food and their Sunday dinner was the meat, potato's and a fallon of ketchup, so it's not new (unless you count 35-40years ago as new!).

Pre the 80s maybe just reduced range of foods, no freezer foods, costs of products vs income a challenge, lots of hunger if kids actively avoided food stuff for undiagnosed disorders. Usually mum home to cook everything from scratch. Kids being smacked for disorder, so eat or beat.

We know more about why kids act and think the way they do, and accommodate differences a bit more. It's not without its own subsequent problems, but generally lids are given more autonomy than in the past.

Growing up, I was pretty much forced to clear my plate at every meal, yet had zero say on what portion size I had. How can a grown man decide how much a 3,4,5yo girl should eat? And then be defiant about her then saying she was full. My kids are allowed to finish eating because they are full, because I'm the one who has played an amount I think they may eat.

Never blamed myself. But the fussiness could be annoying.
None of DC are half as food fussy as MIL, mind.

Since we’re all being open on this subject…

can all the fussy eaters or parents of fussy eaters just get on with it and quit making it everyone else’s problem? Sorry if little sparkles only eats green food on Tuesday and food that starts with the letter M on Wednesday… provide something she can eat.

If you can only consume food with no seeds, smells, and is ripened in the light of a full harvest moon sort your own and don’t expect me to only go out to eat at the restaurant that mange’s all of this (or worse cook it for you).

And most of all don’t drone on about it!

I was labelled fussy as a child, and my siblings were labelled would eat anything.

As an adult I've realised that actually I wasn't fussy; I just didn't like the basic English food that we were always served, but they did. They're actually much fussier than me-as was shown the only time we went to a posh restaurant with my grandparents and I was pondering over several things I really wanted to try and had never had the choice and my older sister said there was only one thing she liked (which was something we had at home) and my brother issued in ringing tones the words "I'd rather have bangers and mash, I don't want this stuff".

I'm not sure why we stuck with such a single diet. I didn't have pizza until I went to secondary school and had it in the canteen there. We didn't have pasta or rice-I have half a feeling dm thought children wouldn't like either. Why she didn't try me on it (her and df used to sometimes have it) as I hated potatoes which we had to have almost every hot meal, I don't know.

I've never expected other people to cater specifically for DDs fussiness. She knows if she goes somewhere she might not like everything and will eat what she does like (and then eat at home afterwards if needed)
If we go out as a family we will try to choose somewhere that accommodates everyone's tastes which invariably means going to italian/more boring restaurants with DC and then me and DH will eat eg Thai food if we go out by ourselves. DS likes a wider variety of food and occassionally well get a take away and DD will make her own beige food at home!

Bollocks.
Pardon my french

No, you cannot 'learn to like any food'

Hell will freeze over before I eat cauliflower(or swede, or...lots of things really)

I started my child on real food. All sorts of vegetables, meat, and a bit of fruit. Whole grains for carbs. I was the perfect baby-led weaning disciple.

she ate and explored and then one day she just stopped. Her weight started to drop. We saw doctors. We saw experts. I started adding butter and sour cream to everything. At one point I was told to feed her Nutella daily. It was years until we got the autism diagnosis and the guilt stopped.

we still struggle to keep up her weight. At this point my only concern is her developing a full-blown eating disorder and ending up hospitalized. I don’t care if she only eats 10-20 things for the rest of her life as long as she eats.

I have only read your posts but fully agree with you.

when DS was weaned I was one of those annoying “my baby will eat anything” type mums and he really would. He loved mousaka when we went to Greece when he was about 10 months old. It was great.

By the time he was 4 he increasingly became fussy. Age 6 he was diagnosed with autism. Age 7 he was losing weight at a rate of knots and by 9 he was mainly tube fed. At 13 he mainly eats lettuce, carrots and apples (I’m sure he was a rabbit in a previous life)

his is an extreme example I know, but if the “perfect” start to eating can still lead to that it goes to show that often there is nothing that anyone can do to change these things

Anyone with a child who’s been labelled as ‘fussy eater’ by DGPs, other parents or friends with unsolicited advice, know that unless there’s a specific diagnosis regarding their health, you don’t have to feel any guilt whatsoever for your child not liking a wide range of food.

It’s really bloody stressful when they are young (it was for me anyway) but if you find a way forward and if that’s only pasta and butter, or only yoghurt (specific flavour only) that gets you through, then that’s what you do.

The one thing I can still look back and laugh at now is
‘why doesn’t he like olives?’ Directed at me when DS was 4🤦‍♀️
Stay away from these people. Instead, surround yourself with the fellow pasta and butter parent club members and those that understand it’s your child, not theirs and you’ll be fine.

Ds ate all sorts of things when he was little. I thought we'd nailed it. He didn't like fizzy drinks for a long time though, and claims that lots of food is too spicy, or tastes 'funny'. He will eat clothing, wires and plastic though.

When I read your title I was all fired up ready to defend myself and my picky eater yet again!

I'm constantly blamed for all his difficulties and get all these ridiculous comments. Everyone tells me he'll eat if he's hungry, he really won't if I don't provide him with something he'll eat. People have no idea of the challenges and complexity of it.

Whenever people tell me they cannot make sense of it, or question why will he eat the green grapes but not the red.. I just say I'm not asking you to get it, I'm asking you to accept it.

Round our way, a lot of the older generation in our wider circle will say "what??? They won't eat a pork chop? Pfft I wouldn't be putting up with that nonsense" then in the next breathe they themselves refuse to eat "forrin muck" like a dhal or lasagne.

Another one who came on to give you grief!
Just once I wanted to take the "ooh they won't starve" brigade and sit them down and go right, exactly how many hours /days are you wanting me to starve my child for? Produce the sliding scale for age/time. How much do I watch them suffer for. When would be the tipping point when they were willing to recognise there WAS an issue.
But I went for a weak smile everytime....

From 6 months to 2.5 DD would eat anything and everything. All vegetables, stuff like curry, chickpeas, strong cheeses, olives. I was smug. At 5 she now eats about 4 beige meals on rotation. I didn’t start to do anything differently to how I was when she was younger, she just chose this area of her life to exert control.

There’s all sorts of foods that I’ve liked and disliked through my life and that makes sense to me. Couldn’t eat beef for years and then suddenly wanted steak. Hated, I mean HATED tomatoes for my entire childhood and now I love them. Loved blue cheese as a kid and now cannot stand it.
My BIL has very strong food preferences and I think saying someone is ‘fussy’ is a bit mean.