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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling sad for my son. AIBU?

107 replies

User4847484982 · 25/08/2023 08:01

NC for this.
So I come from a very small family, it was only my mum and two grandparents, both have passed away now. I have very close and good relationship with my mum, she lives in mainland Europe.
And then I met my DP. He has quite a big family, both parents and 3 siblings, all of whom have a children of their own. His parents and sister lives outside of the UK, his 2 brothers are in London. Despite of this his family is absolutely the worst, according to DP. They are not close at all, they have their problems, which I’m not gonna go into, they just kinda like a bunch of strangers to each other.
His mum and sister is lovely tho and we always have a small chat when DP calls them, he sends them pictures of our DS.
So now our DS comes into the picture. He’s 3. And there are days when I feel incredibly sad for him, that he won’t have any of the “normal family stuff”. From my side he has only grandma and from his dads side…well no one really. And sadly none of them really cares about him too. His grandma lives too far, his grandpa is an a*, his uncles and their kids don’t care about him and basically are strangers to him. Even when he was born all we got was and WhatsApp message saying Congratulations.
My DS will never have a joy of big family gatherings, playing with his uncles, his cousins, his grandparents, visits, days out, nothing. I’m just feeling so incredibly sad that he will grow up and potentially look back at his life like there was no one there basically, only me and his dad.
And I shed many many tears about this, looking at his sweet innocent face and knowing that so many things he won’t experience because of this. And somehow sometimes I feel that it’s my fault, why did I choose this man to have a family with.

AIBU for feeling the way I’m feeling?

OP posts:
Prescottdanni123 · 25/08/2023 08:33

I was also born into a small family. I'm an only child. My dad was also an only child. His parents died when I was young. My mum's sister had one child who was an adult son by the time I was born. He lives in Spain with his wife and kids. We hardly see them. One uncle is a twat. We never see him or his wife and 2 teenage kids. The other uncle is lovely and we seem him loads but he and his wife never had kids. Both my mum's parents are dead now so it is only me, my parents, my uncle and his wife, my aunt and her husband and occasionally my much older cousin and his family.

I used to wish for a larger family, but there is no guarantee that a large family would be close knit. My friend is from a large family and none of them really like each other. I have a small group of close relatives who I love to bits, which is better than a large but distant family.

OleMioSole · 25/08/2023 08:37

YABVVU OP.
You and his dad are his PARENTS, it's not 'basically no one'. Many kids don't even have that or if they do, abusive, violent homes. Your DS is very lucky. He has all he needs.
He's not going to miss things he never had.

Also you can make adult friends, some of my best memories are being taken out with family friends.

Stop moping and blaming your DH. It's very insulting actually to say you wouldn't choose him because of his family if he's a good husband and father.

OleMioSole · 25/08/2023 08:38

Also OP interesting you don't flip the question..you're even worse than he is with no family. Why are you blaming yourself for choosing him when actually maybe he shouldn't have chosen you.

Madness

Theborder · 25/08/2023 08:39

Similar set up here and I thinks it’s sad for my kids but they know no different. They have two loving parents. I remember my loving aunties and uncles and meals/celebrations etc so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You would be unreasonable to dwell on it for too long though.

Theborder · 25/08/2023 08:40

Forgot to say my husband has five siblings. They’re all strangers.

BounceyB · 25/08/2023 08:42

It shouldn't be sn issue. Your child has more than most. Be grateful.

5128gap · 25/08/2023 08:43

Your son won't have this one thing, no. But of all the things life has to offer, he will have many more. Two loving parents clearly focused on wanting the best for him, stability, security and Iove focused on him as an individual rather than one of a crowd. You don't need to be related by blood to have people round you who care, who can be part of big fun get together. Increasingly people aren't in close enough proximity to extended family for this to be more than an occasional thing. Often they create their own groups from friends. If you want your son to be part of a community, there is plenty you can do to create that. Develop the friendships you have, make new ones. Extend invitations to people.
I was in your sons position except I had no GPs either but still remember the sort of occasions you describe but with friends.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 25/08/2023 08:43

Is there a reason you can't give him a sibling if you feel so badly about him being on his own?

Holidaystress11 · 25/08/2023 08:44

I have 0 cousins and no contact with my mum who has my 2 young siblings. My dad passed. My mum's parents passed. She was an only child so that side is basically non existent. I have my nan who is 84 from my dad's side and her 2 sons who didn't and won't have children. Me and dh have 4 kids. So basically no one on that side as we only see them a couple of times a year.

On dhs family he is 1 of 9. Kids have roughly 30 cousins and they only speak to 4 cousins who are siblings because they are in the UK. Everyone else is outside the UK and only call for money so not really a relationship.

Big famous don't guarantee family gatherings like you see on the TV unfortunately. And to be honest sometimes that's a good thing. It would be exhausting and never ending drama!

quietnightmare · 25/08/2023 08:44

I'd rather a few close family than loads that don't get on

WhenIWasAFieldMyself · 25/08/2023 08:45

I'm the only daughter of an only father and also have an only daughter.
YABVU.
Dp is from a massive family and none of them are ever all speaking to each other at the same time for various spurious reasons usually connected to money.

Think about the quality of your relationships and not the quantity. And remember all those perfect huge family gathering photos might not be all they seem.

NoSquirrels · 25/08/2023 08:46

My DS will never have a joy of big family gatherings

Gently, OP, neither did you growing up, and you’re OK, aren’t you? Or was it something you felt you missed out on as a child, and that’s why it’s upsetting you now?

Scienceadvisory · 25/08/2023 08:48

Ouch, your poor partner. Does he know you sometimes regret having a child with him just because he isn't close to his family? How would you feel if he blamed you for giving your child a poor life because you don't have any wider family?

BackOfTheMum5net · 25/08/2023 08:48

I don’t think your son will miss what he’s never had. Big families can be over whelming and come with their own set of problems, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

GameOverBoys · 25/08/2023 08:48

If you aren’t already, make a big effort to become friends with people with similar aged children. Go camping or youth hosteling where there are other kids about. Join community groups etc. there are many ways to make a wider ‘family’.

TrishM80 · 25/08/2023 08:50

FFS, get a grip OP.

Thisbastardcomputer · 25/08/2023 08:53

I came from a pretty large family, can't remember any family events on my mother's side but the ones on my father's side weren't particularly happy events.

One of my dad's sisters had four kids, us four kids were close to them and still are, we are mostly in our sixties now.

phoenixrosehere · 25/08/2023 08:53

As someone who comes from a massive family, it’s not always as nice as it sounds especially if you’re the odd one.

Most of my cousins growing up I saw a handful of times a year and once I hit uni even less. The last time I saw some of them in person was five years ago others 10. I don’t live in the same country as them and I’ve not met most of their children. We all keep in touch on Facebook though so see tons of pictures and post messages, but we’re not close.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 25/08/2023 08:54

Honestly, I’ve got a tiny family and loved it!
DP has a huge family and the politics of it all are utterly ridiculous. That many adults are unlikely to all get on and throw a divorce or a black sheep into the mix… honestly it’s ridiculous.
I’m so grateful for my tiny unit,

Thesearmsofmine · 25/08/2023 08:59

It doesn’t sound that unusual really. Many families are small or aren’t clsoe(or both) and don’t do the big family gatherings etc. mine certainly don’t. It’s never occurred to me to worry about my dc as they have a lovely life with us.

alloutofcareunits · 25/08/2023 09:03

I have cousins on my late fathers side who I haven't seen for over 35 years, no falling out my Dad just didn't ever visit his siblings. My DH has no cousins at all both his parents were only children so just him and his brother and sister, she now lives in Australia and brother has MH difficulties and lives in a care home. He's not lonely and has never thought about not having any uncles, aunts or cousins. He had lots of friends as a child and knows no different. Our child is an only child and she loves it! She's 25 now and never wanted siblings, she has one cousin in UK but they rarely contact each other. People choose their social groups and socialise that way

CrossStitchX · 25/08/2023 09:06

I think this is one of those "rose coloured spectacles" things. OP has seen the adverts with a jolly, happy family gathered around the table at Christmas, or all happily going on holiday together in the movies.

But families are not all like that, some are close and others are not. Some people absolutely loathe the close family dynamic which often means living in each other's pockets and not being able to do anything independently. Lots of us don't have cousins/aunts/uncles, I do have cousins but they are all 15+ years older than I am so no playing with them when I was little.

You need to make the best of what you have, rather than moaning about something you don't have, will never have, and might be awful if you had it anyway.

quitethelittlekoala · 25/08/2023 09:07

My DC have no aunts, uncles or cousins.

DH and I are both only children.

Kids are perfectly fine, well adjusted and have loads of friends each! It's never crossed my mind to worry about it.

sobeyondthehills · 25/08/2023 09:18

I am one of the three. Cousin wise, there is I think 30, most of them have had kids, so throw in another 60 odd and some of those have had kids now.

Rarely seem them, including my two siblings. My son is not going to have the kind of childhood I did. Its going to be different that doesnt mean worse or better just different. I have made different memories with him

Pinkdelight3 · 25/08/2023 09:30

The joy of big family gatherings is overrated. I know you'll miss what you never had, but you do need to take the rose-tinted specs off and be glad he doesn't have to endure the downside of such gatherings which can be anything from utter tedium and grind to active discord and conflict. Playing with uncles etc is also not something to be sad about missing out on. Your DS has plenty of love and the fantasy you're crying about is often a facade with lots of problems within. Focus on what your DS has got and not on what he hasn't.

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