Feeling sad for my son. AIBU?

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NC for this.
So I come from a very small family, it was only my mum and two grandparents, both have passed away now. I have very close and good relationship with my mum, she lives in mainland Europe.
And then I met my DP. He has quite a big family, both parents and 3 siblings, all of whom have a children of their own. His parents and sister lives outside of the UK, his 2 brothers are in London. Despite of this his family is absolutely the worst, according to DP. They are not close at all, they have their problems, which I’m not gonna go into, they just kinda like a bunch of strangers to each other.
His mum and sister is lovely tho and we always have a small chat when DP calls them, he sends them pictures of our DS.
So now our DS comes into the picture. He’s 3. And there are days when I feel incredibly sad for him, that he won’t have any of the “normal family stuff”. From my side he has only grandma and from his dads side…well no one really. And sadly none of them really cares about him too. His grandma lives too far, his grandpa is an a*, his uncles and their kids don’t care about him and basically are strangers to him. Even when he was born all we got was and WhatsApp message saying Congratulations.
My DS will never have a joy of big family gatherings, playing with his uncles, his cousins, his grandparents, visits, days out, nothing. I’m just feeling so incredibly sad that he will grow up and potentially look back at his life like there was no one there basically, only me and his dad.
And I shed many many tears about this, looking at his sweet innocent face and knowing that so many things he won’t experience because of this. And somehow sometimes I feel that it’s my fault, why did I choose this man to have a family with.

AIBU for feeling the way I’m feeling?

You quite frankly sound like hard work. If you want your ds to be close to your family, move back to where your mum lives. If you'd like him to be closer to his gran and aunt on dh's side then make the effort to visit them and return the invitation, facilitate weekly video calls, nurture a relationship. Assuming you are in the UK and his uncles are in London have you ever visited with ds?

Just because they are related by blood doesn't mean you will have a relationship with them if you don't reach out and nurture it. It requires you as a family to put in some effort so picking up the phone, showing an interest in other people's lives and their kids. You build bonds that way. You can't expect them to fawn over your child if you've never really made any effort with them. You've alluded to some family issues and if your dh isn't on board with it then at least try with his mum and sister.

Jesus. Big family gatherings are basically my idea of hell. I don’t see most of them from one year to the next. One of my cousins I saw when she was a baby, next time she was double figures.

Friends become the family you choose.

Just to say my husband is one of 5 siblings and they are the most dysfunctional family I have ever met. I wouldn’t want my daughter getting involved with them.

The whole fantasy of a jolly happy family is very over rated, a bit like Christmas. Enjoy what you have and make the most of it, children soon grow up.

One word
Estrangement.

Many families don't speak to each other.

But only children, with loving parents (like my mum) make friends where ever they go.

That's said my mum did have my sister so I always had a friend.

Guess what?
She hasn't spoken to me in the last 18 months.

Your ds will be fine.

Remember you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends.

Families are all different and in no way do I mean this offensively but you have a very idealised image of how a family ‘should’ be.
Enjoy your son give him lots of experiences. Do you have friends with kids a similar age that can be playmates/ play dates?
Once he starts school you will realise that families come in all forms.

YABU.
You can't change it. So you have to make the best out of it. Build up friendship groups - both for yourself and for your child. He's not going to miss out on trips out etc because he can go with you and DP or you can go with another family with a child the same age, whatever.

I think you are idealizing these big family gatherings and playing with uncles/cousins etc. It rarely works out the way you think. Families fall out. People move away. Some family members are just not interested in their nieces and nephews or their cousins.
I'm from a big family on my mother's side and we did have those big family Christmases and get-togethers but most of the time the cousins were all scrapping and falling out. And over the years, people have moved on. When my cousins started to have kids they weren't interested in maintaining contact with their cousins from their generation and the family gatherings petered out as people concentrated on their own nuclear families.

I find your response to this situation a bit odd to be honest. You need to stop with these thoughts because your child will pick up on them.
He won't miss what he never had - so for him it will be normal not to have cousins. He doesn't know any different.
But it is important to build up friendships over the years
And it's really important that you start to have a positive attitude rather than dwelling on what you feel is missing.

And I shed many many tears about this, looking at his sweet innocent face and knowing that so many things he won’t experience because of this.

You need to stop that. For starters it's not really about him, it's about what you feel you lacked, and the rosy and highly idealised image of extended family that you have built up.

Your son has two parents and probably siblings in the future. He sees your mum and chats to a few relatives on his dad's side occasionally. He will be absolutely fine and when you are ruminating on what he lacks, you should remember that your husband comes from a large family and it isn't always like Disney.

This will be normal for your son as it's what he will grow up with. Big families aren't all great - look at your husband's. Often they're fraught with family politics. Your son needs you, his Dad and if he's also got your mum, excellent. That's plenty enough.

Not unreasonable but it’s not uncommon. I have a big family, nephews, nieces etc and I don’t talk to any of my brothers and sisters . I fell out with my sister over 15 years ago, the others have all just drifted away. We all live with 20-30 minutes if each other too 😂 My kids don’t know their cousins. It doesn’t bother them at all. I don’t know many families that have big family get togethers.

I'm one of 5, 4 of us have children, making 11 in total, but we live all over the world, none of the cousins really know each other, and my mum died before most of the grandchildren were born anyway. I can only remember once in all the childhood years when three of the families were together for Christmas.

It's not that we are not close, we just live to far away from each other.

the into regret I have about not having children is that my niece and nephew don’t have cousins on this side of the family.

I do lots with them - holidays, days out etc. but I always guilty that when I host Christmas they are the only children.

we all have insecurities and I don’t think any family is perfect.

you son is loved and secure. You will give him an amazing life and while you will focus on what is missing her will focus on what he has

Inclined to agree with this.

I am one of 4 siblings and dh is also one of 4. We only see one of my siblings (the rest of both his & mine are in different continents/don’t care). Kids only have one living grandparent (who we do see regularly which is great). It’s one of those things you can’t predict and doesn’t always go to plan. Just make the most of what you have, your child won’t know any different!

I've got similar v small family - estranged from my father's side of the family completely, my mother is an only child and I don't know any of her extended family. I've got one much younger sibling that I haven't seen in almost 20 years who my children have never met, oh and my mother moved abroad when my youngest was 3 and they barely know her. It is what it is. OH has a bigger family but the contact, although friendly, really isn't that frequent. I think that the big family that live in each other's pockets is a bit of a glossy TV ideal really. Lots of people are in the same boat as you. It's just as normal for a family to not get on/be small as it is for one to be big and close. OH and I and our children are close as a family unit, we enjoy each other and make the most of it. That's all you can do.

i felt the same, until i remembered how over rated the family thing is,

i grew up with alot of " family" dad had 12 siblings all had 2-5 kids each, mum had 6 siblings all had 2-3 kids
we all grew up together, family gatherings, holidays, cousins running around,
ask me how many i talk to now? zero

its the same thing with siblings, some people feel sad for only children,
but some people with siblings dont even like eachother, theyre not inbuilt friends
ive got 3 brothers , 2 sisters, not close,
family only communicate at christmas or when a death happens

it would be nice to have involved grandparents and surrounded by family but not evryones so lucky,
or you can just have a big family yourself , have more kids

My daughter has loads of cousins but doesn't like any of them and never wants to spend any time with them. She much prefers her friends whom she actually chose 🤷‍♀️

I agree. You can choose who you do extended hols etc with - do it with your friends and their kids- you have so much choice. So much better than being forced to spend time off work with in laws you may not like

My best friend is one of 4 siblings and one of them is her twin! She is much much closer to me than to her family 😅

Build a community where you are. Make proper friends who become like family for you and for him. Stop focusing on what he doesn’t have and think about everything you can give him. Including siblings.

Yanbu.
I'm in a similar boat. I have two kids (12, eight), and am separated from their father.
I have one half-cousin who keeps in touch and sends cards occasionally, but she is a recluse and my kids have only met her once. That is the extent of my family in this country.

Their father isn't close with his siblings, they live 500 miles away anyway. My kids therefore do have cousins, but hardly see them. They do have paternal grandparents, again 500 miles away, and they don't seem interested in my children.

I have cousins in Australia, there are three sisters, with six daughters between them. They are so close, the cousins are all close, they are always posting photos on FB of all their family gatherings. I know what my kids are missing, as I too grew up without family, and I think it's such a shame. It regularly makes me feel sad for my kids. Just have to get on with it though. I am a good mother to them, they are utterly adored by me, so I have to count our blessings that they at least have this.

I am a very happy only child thanks

I understand where you’re coming from here. I’m an only and my husband has no nieces or nephews and his birth family is…. Questionable at best. I have cousins but I’m only in contact with 2 out of 6 of them as the other four are not nice at all. My paternal uncle I want less than nothing to do with because he is just an evil abusive man.

im very conscious that my daughter is a bit on her own so we have created our own family - our best friends are like us and we make our own rag tag family and the kids play and we share christmas and the big ‘family occasions’. They are very close and it’s lovely to see.

we can’t help the families we are born into but we are lucky that we have had the opportunity to pick and choose and build our own extended family with people who put in as much effort for us as we do for them.

Snake a big effort with your own Mum to ensure he has a close relationship with a grandparent. He’s got 3 close relatives the same as you,
did you feel sad about it growing up? We supply just accept what we have as kids and don’t worry about what other parole are doing.

Also is there anyway you could lake the effort to take him to see any of your DH family, even if the effort is not reciprocated he may well get on well with them as build relationships from there.

Also just make loads of effort to get out and about if you can and make a close curl I’d of friends for your LO, lots of hobbies, goes to school, invite other kids over for play dates etc

Your DS has you and his father. That’s already a lot and arguably the most important thing!

it sounds like he also has a nice grandma somewhere in Europe (summer holidays? Christmas) and maybe an other grandma and aunt that he may have a somewhat distant but friendly relationship with.

quality over quantity when it comes to family. Saying this as somebody with a fairly large family, am very very low contact with quite a few people (and an entire “branch”, so to speak)