Feeling sad for my son. AIBU?

[User4847484982]

NC for this.
So I come from a very small family, it was only my mum and two grandparents, both have passed away now. I have very close and good relationship with my mum, she lives in mainland Europe.
And then I met my DP. He has quite a big family, both parents and 3 siblings, all of whom have a children of their own. His parents and sister lives outside of the UK, his 2 brothers are in London. Despite of this his family is absolutely the worst, according to DP. They are not close at all, they have their problems, which I’m not gonna go into, they just kinda like a bunch of strangers to each other.
His mum and sister is lovely tho and we always have a small chat when DP calls them, he sends them pictures of our DS.
So now our DS comes into the picture. He’s 3. And there are days when I feel incredibly sad for him, that he won’t have any of the “normal family stuff”. From my side he has only grandma and from his dads side…well no one really. And sadly none of them really cares about him too. His grandma lives too far, his grandpa is an a*, his uncles and their kids don’t care about him and basically are strangers to him. Even when he was born all we got was and WhatsApp message saying Congratulations.
My DS will never have a joy of big family gatherings, playing with his uncles, his cousins, his grandparents, visits, days out, nothing. I’m just feeling so incredibly sad that he will grow up and potentially look back at his life like there was no one there basically, only me and his dad.
And I shed many many tears about this, looking at his sweet innocent face and knowing that so many things he won’t experience because of this. And somehow sometimes I feel that it’s my fault, why did I choose this man to have a family with.

AIBU for feeling the way I’m feeling?

Make friends? Large families and family gatherings are dreadful he wont miss anything.

if It bothers you that much, maybe you could move to where your mum lives, or where your husband’s mum lives. Or you could have another child.

You are being ridiculous!

Op don't get your son caught up in quantity over quality. You want the perfect picture based on what? Your very example of dh family disproves your idea of a big family. You do realise that people live and move all over the world without being tied to their families? Do you think those people are worse off?

Arr you going to have any more children?

If you're that fussed about about him having a bigger family (and presuming you're still fertile- apologies if you can't have any more), then that is one option?

You need to build an urban family. That is family by choice not by blood.

They can be just as good. I have several children in my life that aren't related to me but I treat them as nieces/ nephews - I just have a good relationship with their parents. For one family it's because there are not biological aunts/ uncles and for another because they live a long way away. For a third family there is bio family but I count too.

It's mutually beneficial.

The kids are mostly teenagers now and it's interesting to see the way things have evolved. They actively maintain their relationship with me via text messages/ arranging meet ups. So it obviously matters to them.

To be honest I'm delighted that all the hours doing small child things (park/ zoo/ bedtime/ rows over tooth cleaning - which I did enjoy at the time, mostly because I got to see their parents) has resulted in these lovely, funny teenagers in my life.

This is SUCH a silly thing to wallow in?!

To start with, this is your DS’s normal - he has nothing to compare his life with, so he’s not going to feel short changed.

But - you think he’s going to look back and think there was no-one in his life? That’s totally within your control?!

My only brother doesn’t have kids. One of DH’s brothers has kids - they’re 20 years older than our DC and on the other side of the world. So, really, they have no cousins.

But we fill their life with other people - people who we choose - friends! Their friends, our friends - people.

It’s never even occurred to me that my DC might be missing out. Because they’re not.

Presumably many or most of DS's friends at nursery/ locally now have a younger sibling, especially if the first born? Is this triggering the anxiety, I wonder?

You’re being ridiculous. He has two loving parents, that’s all he needs and can’t be classed as hardly no-one. 😂

My DS is loved by two parents too, so he’s doing well. He has no grandparents because they’re all dead but I don’t feel remotely sorry for him.

I know of a friend of DS’s who’s mum died a couple of years ago and who initially went to live with his gran but then she moved, so he went to live abroad with his dad and step mum. He missed out on sitting GCSE’s in U.K. and their equivalent exams abroad, because of being moved around during those two important years.

He’s now back in the U.K. trying to find an apprenticeship at 17yrs but with no formal qualifications at all, he’s struggling. He’s clearly a resilient bright boy so I think he will do ok in life, but I do feel sorry that after his mum died, he was effectively left to fend for himself.

I can't believe you are crying about this! How ridiculous.
I have cousins that I haven't seen since childhood, I saw them a couple of times before adulthood and that was it. I am NC with my parents (awful people) and have 1 sibling that I see when we have time.
Most of my husband's family are dead or NC.
My children have a full and active social life despite my family issues. We have had Christmas with friends for example, you can still have plenty of people around that are not blood related.
Stop the self pity about your family or your attitude will rub off on your child and he will feel like he's missing out, show him he's not and he will be fine.

You feel how you feel, it's not unreasonable to feel a particular way. This is something you value and attach importance to. Realistically big families are sometimes good and sometimes bad. Stbxh and I have about 15 aunts and uncles between us, the last time we saw any of them was our wedding day, well over a decade ago. While the feelings aren't in themselves unreasonable the intensity of them, to have wept many tears over this and regret your marriage is a very extreme reaction. You're imagining some ideal family, but the reality is that many families large or small are less than ideal, some aren't close, some are too close, codependent, nasty, some are the type you need to go NC from. Yes some people have wide and deep family support networks which sounds lovely, but you're really not comparing your current circumstances to something that is realistic.

Is it possible this is a feeling from your own life, that you are imagining your DS facing this one day, feeling alone and unsupported? If you can afford it I'd suggest seeing a psychologist to work out where these feelings are coming from and trying to resolve them or meet the need that's causing them. There may be a practical solution to your fears, or an emotional one, but you do need to address this. The level of distress you're feeling over this needs to be addressed.

I know you're trying to make the op feel better but this is not necessarily true at all.

Generally I do think it's beneficial to have extended family. My family is relatively small. I'd like to have more relatives. I'm grateful for the ones I have and luckily my DC have cousins they adore.

I do think though that huge families and huge family gatherings are becoming less and less common. People are generally having less children nowadays so those people with lots of aunts and uncles and hundreds of cousins will not be the norm any more.

I mean if everyone has one/two DC, each child would have 0-4cousins max and one or two sets of aunts and uncles .

There's not much you can do except extend your own circle with friends. I'm sure your DC will grow up happily regardless

honestly this is not something to beat yourself up about. There is no guarantees a big family means closeness and there is sometimes conflict involved somewhere regarding time and resources . my friend is an only child of only children and married an only child. She is completely unbothered by this. Happy in her life and has lots of friends.

Well you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends so maybe that’s what you need to concentrate on to widen your circle and opportunities for your son?

I understand what you mean, op, but these memories can be created in different ways, and without the underlying tension of families.

We used to have big gatherings of mum and baby groups - we used to picnic in the park together - even sometimes go home, cook tea and then bring it to the play park on sunny days and all sit around chatting as DC played in the late sunshine. I thought it was idyllic. They don't remember it at all!

You can join a church group or befriend some like minded families and have camping weekends away together where all the children run free. Or days at the beach where all the kids play rounders and volley ball. That sense of belonging doesn;t have to exist within family a lone.

If one granny and aunt seem friendly, encourage that. Suggest a meet up or a visit or invite them to stay. Keep meet ups short and easy at first so they don't feel cornered into a level of commitment they aren't used to. Maybe all go to a panto together at Christmas, or out for a pizza together.

DC love their cousins but tell me that among their friendship group everyone else they know loathes their cousins and it's a real effort when they get together. As PP have said, he has loving parents and nothing is more important than that.

I was an only child with both sets of grandparents already dead. Never did me any harm.

I think you’re probably projecting your feelings onto your child but I understand how you feel. We have a similar set up BUT I have more than one child. My kids are never lonely because they get on really well together. Also, now that they are teenagers, they have their own friends too.

You can't be blamed for how you feel, but you can unpack it and see how to make the best of where you are.

Maybe you're projecting your feelings about your own childhood onto your son? Have you any evidence your son wishes he had a bigger family or is he happy with the family he has?

What I know is there are happy big families and unhappy big families, there are happy small families and unhappy small families. All each of us can do is try to make a safe loving home in the situation we find ourselves in. I don't actually always feel confident I know how to do this, but I try to reassure myself that if I focus on trying to do what is right and healthy it'll be enough.

Your DS will only know his 'normal' and will only think it is something to be unhappy about if you tell him that through your behaviour. Families come in all shapes and sizes. Be happy for what you have, not sad for what you don't (which may not actually make you happier!).

YANBU

My DD is in the same situation and I always feel guilty.
She doesn’t see her dad or any of his family.

Both my parents have MH issues and seeing them is not fun and it is mentally draining and they are not supportive, so it is literally me and her.

It makes me so sad for the future and if I died she’d be all alone.

I regret not giving her a sibling and if I was you I would think about having another child.

You sound exactly like my best friend and her family situation. Her son may not have a big extended family but he is so loved and she has a wide network of friends who have children a similar age and/or are like aunts and uncles to her son (including me and my DH).

Your OP literally makes no sense. What is 'normal' family stuff?

You say your very small family is lovely and close, and your DPs large family is a mess, yet you want your DS to have a lovely large family!

You are his family, you give him the security and love he needs, good aunts, uncles and cousins are just nice add ons, but they are hardly necessary, and bad aunts and uncles and cousins can be a complete nightmare!

Make the most of what you have got.

Small family here and only one DC. I just made lots of friends of people with kids so my DC grew up with loads of people around. You don't need to be related to have fun.

Can you give him siblings? I value mine immensely but many people don't or have distant relationships with them as adults.

Other than my two siblings and parents, the only relatives I truly knew well and cared for were my maternal grandparents. I have 3 cousins, too much older and one younger. Older ones never showed any interest, younger I rarely see and have little in common with. Now I have 4 nieces and nephews but I'm not that close to them - one I have a relationship with but not the others really.

My DH also had two siblings, one now deceased and the other single with no kids. He has a niece living in another country. Since their mother died, it's basically just the two of them as they barely know their cousins.

It's not going to make your son's life unhappy even if he does stay as an only child. There are so many other factors involved in making life good or otherwise - try to get past this feeling that you are letting him down. By being a good parent you are doing the absolute opposite.

This!

We had a big gap so it sometimes felt youngest was a singleton. Lots of afterschool and clubs really helped. Also arranged lots of outings with friends. They knew they could always invite people round or bring a friend on a trip to town.
Another friend got theirs a dog so always an excuse to get out and about and friends clustered around said dog at the school gate and wanted to help walk it.

I don't think it is your DH's fault that his family are so distant. He probably wishes they weren't and you've said his mother and sister are lovely, so that's something to focus on that relationship.