Feeling sad for my son. AIBU?

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NC for this.
So I come from a very small family, it was only my mum and two grandparents, both have passed away now. I have very close and good relationship with my mum, she lives in mainland Europe.
And then I met my DP. He has quite a big family, both parents and 3 siblings, all of whom have a children of their own. His parents and sister lives outside of the UK, his 2 brothers are in London. Despite of this his family is absolutely the worst, according to DP. They are not close at all, they have their problems, which I’m not gonna go into, they just kinda like a bunch of strangers to each other.
His mum and sister is lovely tho and we always have a small chat when DP calls them, he sends them pictures of our DS.
So now our DS comes into the picture. He’s 3. And there are days when I feel incredibly sad for him, that he won’t have any of the “normal family stuff”. From my side he has only grandma and from his dads side…well no one really. And sadly none of them really cares about him too. His grandma lives too far, his grandpa is an a*, his uncles and their kids don’t care about him and basically are strangers to him. Even when he was born all we got was and WhatsApp message saying Congratulations.
My DS will never have a joy of big family gatherings, playing with his uncles, his cousins, his grandparents, visits, days out, nothing. I’m just feeling so incredibly sad that he will grow up and potentially look back at his life like there was no one there basically, only me and his dad.
And I shed many many tears about this, looking at his sweet innocent face and knowing that so many things he won’t experience because of this. And somehow sometimes I feel that it’s my fault, why did I choose this man to have a family with.

AIBU for feeling the way I’m feeling?

Frankly families are overrated. The majority of mine were or are toxic.

Build your own ‘family’. Good friends of your own/DH and support your DS’s friendships. Make friends with school mums when the time comes.

I remember my good friends from childhood; my family, apart from my grandmother, not so much. There was always an undercurrent of nastiness.

Honestly, he will be fine. YOU are his world and he is safe, secure and happy in it. That is all he needs to be a well adjusted adult. My oldest friend is an only child. She has a photo of us all in a frame that says 'Friends are the family we choose for ourselves'. You can do this for him and make sure he has fulfilling relationships with others.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be sad but a big family is guarantee, growing up on my mums side her mum was dead and as a result her family kind of fell apart. He older brother and his new wife looked down on my mum and dad for being too working class and they never invited us to anything. Her other 2 brothers were just really young and so they were never really close to my mum and now live overseas and all she gets is the odd card from them. We did visit with my grandfather but when he remarried his wife made it clear she didn't want us around.

On my Dad's side the family was massive and pretty close until my Grandmother died almost 40 years ago now and then family gatherings got rarer and rarer. I am oddly in the middle age wise and so my cousins are all much older or younger and I am not close to any of them so as our parents die I doubt we will ever see each other again and I think many would walk right past me in the street even now and I don't feel that I could ask any for help or that they would ask me although I wouldn't mind if they did. A big family can be just as lonely as no family.

DH's family is much closer although mostly down to the efforts of his mum who is getting quite old herself now and I think once she goes the wider family will drift apart.

Op I have a small family. I made local friends my family. We help each other out, go on days out, go on holiday together. At least I got to choose them.

You’re being very silly. To shed tears over this is ridiculous.
My family is small and it’s great, we don’t lose multiple days over the year to family events or meet ups, don’t have to see people I don’t really like but are unfortunately linked to. I wouldn’t enjoy being part of a big family.

I think this is very unfair. Of course there are lots of benefits and joys that come with having a large, close-knit and healthy wider family. That doesn't mean that people who have smaller families are automatically unhappy, but it's completely reasonable and understandable for OP to feel that she wishes her child could benefit from some of the positives of a big, happy family. And it's also a reasonable consideration when you're choosing a partner to start a family with. It's sensible to think about practicalities and bigger picture stuff. It's obviously too late for that now, but clearly it's coming from a place of concern for her son. She's not a monster for having that thought.

I really hate when people try and invalidate the feelings and experiences of others by pointing out that they are "lucky" in comparison to someone else, in this case children in "abusive, violent homes". It's not a race to the bottom. There's always someone - probably millions of people - much worse off, but we are still allowed to feel negative emotions about our own situations. Everybody does.

But it's not great for OP, and she doesn't prefer it. She's not ridiculous for having different opinions and feelings to you.

YABVU. I don’t have family anywhere near, several hours for the closest. No one I know has this (although Mumsnet says I’m incredibly strange for this😵‍💫). So our kids have always known our friends and their kids as Uncle/Aunt/Cousin type relationships. But disturbing about how you only mention uncles only and not aunts though 😳.

I have a large family and it was a lot of fun growing up, although we're quite spread out now

My children won't have the same experience as I did. It's a pity. But I think it's becoming more common, as people have fewer children than in the past

It is what it is

I think it's far more worrying that you have that thought in your head - that you regret marrying your husband because of feelings you are projecting onto your son. Stop wallowing ( because these are most definitely your feelings and not your son's) and show the other constant in your life some respect.

OP I have a big family and half of them are just horrible. I have one sister I'm very close to and would be lost without but all the others I could never see again and not be bothered.

Big family does not mean close family

My DH has 27 cousins. My kids have never met any of them. We have plenty of people in our lives.

I did turn up to say YANBU, you feel what you feel.. but you do seem to be unneccesarily mopey about this. Surely in a situation like this you look to what you can do not what isn't there.

On large involved families. I didn't have it growing up - didn't miss it. But strangely enough do feel sad for my kids about it. I put it in same category of other things my kids don't have - pots of money; musical talent; national level ability in sport or academia. They all might have been nice too but I've got the kids I've got and we live the life we live and make that as good as possible.

You can create that sense of community with good friends. Once you get to know families as your DS's nursery or school, spend the time trying to get to know some and you might find other families in a similar position who want to spend time together. I met two really good friends when my children were young (we clicked and the kids get on really well too) and we still do things together: go on holiday occasionally, camping, festivals, barbecues and just regular meet ups for dinners/bbqs.

Lots of things aren’t great, or aren’t preferable, but this definitely isn’t worth losing tears over. It doesn’t really matter what OP thinks- it’s supposedly about her child missing out, and he will be oblivious unless OP chelps on to him and cries to him that she’s sad about his small family.

Do you hope to have more children? Maybe he'll end up with a large family after all 😉

And if not, it'll have to be a family of friends.

The joy of big family gatherings is overrated. I know you'll miss what you never had, but you do need to take the rose-tinted specs off and be glad he doesn't have to endure the downside of such gatherings which can be anything from utter tedium and grind to active discord and conflict.

Fuck yeah.

Nothing wrong with a small happy family and definitely better that a big dysfunctional one.

I think you are overthinking too much.

I feel for you. Me and my husband are only children aand I feel sad my children don’t have any cousins or aunties or uncles.

my father lives abroad and I hear from him once in a blue moon and see him even less.

I am however so so lucky that my mum. My dh parents and his family are super close (even though there’s only like 5 of em!)

they make up for it often and it’s so lovely. I have two children and it’s so strange because our mums both sy I don’t know how to cope with the sibling stuff because none of us went through it. Infact it’s the reason I wanted more than 1 child. I wanted 5…..sadly it wasn’t meant to be.

Honestly, OP, relatively few children have the "joy" of big family gatherings, and they don't miss it. My mother was an only child, my father's brothers and sister lived 300 miles away, so I grew up without that, and it made zero difference to my life. I get on fine with my uncle and cousins, but I really don't feel I missed out in the least because I played with my siblings and my friends when I was a child.

Nor are big family gatherings inevitably a joy. They can be a total pain in the neck. Families vary an awful lot, you only have to have a look through AIBU to see the sort of nonsense they can come out with. My children get on fine with my parents, but seeing DH's is a chore as FIL can bore for England. You really seem to have an extremely unrealistic and idealised view of what family life actually is.

So relax. So long as you and DH are good parents, and your child has the opportunity to make and see friends, he's missing out on absolutely nothing.

I understand how you feel but must tell you I have just one child, well into adulthood, who doesn't have extended family. When he was small we had a few but not his age (or mine), though he enjoyed seeing them and they him.

He is a very well adjusted person and has always had a great social life, has good friends, etc, also meets and communicates with many people he knows through work. He can be a lot of fun too. Earns quite well and (currently), lives alone.

Things have a way of working out and your situation is not your doing, just how it is. Make sure you allow him to be himself and see his friends, at your house or wherever, whenever he wants, don't restrict him. He'll probably grow up and say he had a 'cool mother'.

DH and I both come from huge families. DD is an only (by choice).

We saw my parents, two of my siblings and their kids last weekend - for the first time since last xmas.

Last saw DH's parents, 3 siblings and all the cousins on that side well over a year ago.

We tried a couple of big family holidays... it was mainly hell. Kids all fought and wanted to do different things. Nightmare when you have people at different life stages and with different income levels.

It's a bit of a myth the idea of big families all being jolly together.

Yes YABU. Make a family. We have several friends we made when our dc were little, who have children the same age. We spend time together, go on holidays, celebrate big occasions together etc…that’s their family.

You're not bring unreasonable but surely the love you & his dad are enough than just 'people' which is effectively what his family are?

I'm in the same set up as you although I do have my dad and a brother, however, my DP's side just don't exist anymore. MIL sadly passed a few years ago, his sister is a vile human being and his dad was never there for him so won't be there for our son.

You don't need people. You and his dad are enough! When he grows older he'll have friends from school for big gatherings, you'll make friends with moms and they will be more like family.

Just remember quality over quantity.

This. What an odd thing to be sad about compared to what some children's lives are like. I have a reasonably big family but we never see each other and didnt' when I was a child. You seem to have a very idealised idea of what having a big family is like. It's not your fault at all, the idea of choosing a partner/father because they have a big family is incredibly weird.