Can hiding away from the world really make you happy?

[JMSA]

You lot are amazingly insightful, hence this post on here. I suspect it may appear a little jumbled, but I'm thinking aloud so to speak.
I spend all my time at work, with my kids or alone. This is through choice. I'm an introvert - despite getting along with people very well in general - and a homebody. I'm happy pottering about at home. However this is heavily interspersed with doing the wrong things. I'm not a smoker or drinker, but eat too much. And watch too much television. Reading and music feature a lot. I spend too much time on my phone. My sleep schedule isn't the best.
All along, I've considered myself happy with this. But what if I'm not. What if life would be better and more fulfilling if I took up more pastimes? Try it, you'd probably say. But the truth is, I'm 49 and too lazy. I feel flat a lot of the time.
I have a colleague who I get along with fantastically well. She has a partner who really encourages her to be her best self, and who exposes her to new experiences and interests. He is also more sociable than her, and she has met new people through him. She's really happy, despite being an introvert.
Maybe this is what I need, since I lack the self-discipline to do it on my own. I do feel I'd benefit from someone who'd open me up to new experiences.
Life is all about balance, and I have swung too far one way. I can't help but shake the feeling that I need to put myself out there more, but I really do lack the motivation. I AM contented at home but my world has become so small. I'm also overweight (with an unhealthy relationship with food) and have given up on online dating.
I'm sure I could be happier. I'm probably not as happy as I think/say I am. But as I say, I don't try to change things. My mentality is 'I work hard, so I deserve to relax at home'. But what if I'm just hiding away from the world, and there's better out there ...
Hopefully this post doesn't sound too wanky, like some kind of menopausal mid-life crisis! But maybe there's someone out there who can relate
I should add that I'm going to a concert with my colleague next week, and had a week's holiday with a friend during the summer. So I'm not always a total hermit ... just most of the time!

It's really nice to read other people are like this. I am 28 and have withdrawn from society. I've always struggled with people and always hated leaving the house. I was constantly feeling let down and frustrated by my 'friendships' so I just stopped messaging. I don't have any friends now and in a lot of ways it is bliss, but I do get the odd pang for company.

I do work out of the house so I get most of the social interaction I need from that. My job is very people-heavy so it is a relief to spend time alone.

I have a boyfriend who I see a few times a week and that is lovely.

I try to walk to the shops most days but generally all my time is spent inside. I like cleaning and tidying my house, watching lots of TV, browsing the internet on my phone, reading and writing stories. I also love doll houses and miniatures.

I think that a lot of it is because "social" people seem to be getting more social, loud, extreme, etc. There doesn't seem to be the "middle ground" anymore. I see people like myself who are quiet, introverted, and don't go out much at one end of the scale, and "party" people at the other end who are just too "full on" and exhausting for me to be around.

Back in the 80s you could go to the local pub and just "hang out" with friends, neighbours, colleagues etc - just sitting, having a quiet drink with them, a bit of chit chat, etc., no pressure to "perform" socially, often with background music on low volume from a jukebox etc. You'd meet new people in passing, and your "friend circle" would just naturally expand as you met friends of friends etc.

Nowadays, social events are all so loud, busy, etc., you can't just sit quietly chatting to a few people, it's all excessively loud bands, large crowds of loud people laughing, cheering, getting increasing drunk, etc, you can't hear due to the noise, so it's impossible to have a quiet chat with your friends anymore.

I hadn't really realised it until my son explained why he didn't want to go to pubs, clubs, etc at University. He said exactly as I said above. When he first went to Uni, he went out with his flat mates a couple of times to the Uni bars, common rooms, and a local nightclub - he hated it, as he said it was all the loud, drunken, extraverts who were out and were dominating those places . A few of his flat mates said the same, and they just stopped going out to the Uni bars and clubs. This was someone who'd been happily going to local pubs and clubs etc with his school friends during sixth form with no issues at all. He didn't even want to go to his Uni's "sports bar" to watch football matches etc on the big screens as they were the same - just full of loud people getting drunk - he loves his football but that just wasn't his scene at all.

I do think extraverted people (of which there seem to be more than ever) put off the quieter introverted people from doing social things as they just take over.

Then they are probably not true introverts.
I know myself and when I'm happiest/most at peace and Jonathan Heidt wont convince me otherwise

I too am like you and could happily spend all my time at home, alone.

Why I do find though is that socialising with others, and forcing myself out and about, is definitely good for me. I don't enjoy it at the time and am always grateful to be home, but strangely I find I do feel so much happier and more functional in the days after mixing with people, especially other women.

I think these days we equate enjoyment with things that are good for us. But human connection is a basic human need. You might not enjoy it, but you do need it for well being!! Making yourself socialise is valuable, and nourishes the soul even if it doesn't feel like it at the time - in my opinion anyway. And over time you get to enjoy it more.

I rarely enjoy myself when I socialise, but I'm always glad afterwards that I HAVE GONE. Weird to explain but true.

There is a theory that there are two selves - the experiencing self and the remembering self. I find the experiencing self (ie me at the time) doesn't enjoy socialising. However the remembering self (me afterwards) finds it extremely valuable.

I hide away (not sure if introvert or just anxious loner). It doesn’t hurt anyone and it works for me. I’ve learned those are quite important points 😂

I agree. You sound in a rut - I get it myself from time to time and have to force myself out of it, then energy returns.

I totally get where you are coming from. I'm like you. I also lack confidence so it's easy to blame introversion for things but conifidence is often an issue. I don't 'present' like this. You would t know if you met me irl.

My situation is compounded by having two kids under 5. I'm bloomin' exhausted so o have no energy to push the boundaries but I'm worried that I'll actually loose the ability to do anything! I work from home two days a week if not more.

I think for me the issue is there are things I'd like to do but don't. I'd like to learn tennis again. I'd like to join. Writing group. I'd like more friends but I'm to scared /tired. My challenge to myself is just to take small steps. For instance I'm currently trying to do something social once a week. Today I'm having a friend and her kids over. It's not a lot but it's something. I hope when my kids are older I can build my own life a bit more.

I am an introvert but I don’t live like this. I go out for meals alone, cinema alone, theatre alone. Exercise alone, wild swim alone. Shopping alone, afternoon tea alone. When I’m charged enough, I’ll have a series of big nights out with friends which leave me tired enough to revert to books and tv and solitude. Until I get the urge to go out again!

its a cycle for me, people see me as very independent - rather than the truth which is that I’d rather go alone!

I’m just like you but over the past 30 years I’ve done two things that have made a huge difference - sung in a choir and belonged in a small book club I set up with a friend. These two ‘hobbies’ enabled me to build up a small group of very close friends. It’s taken many years and I often do activities alone eg visiting exhibitions etc (actually I prefer to be alone doing this kind of thing) but I feel as if I do have a few good friends and this makes a massive difference to my life. I am often alone but I rarely feel lonely. I also sometimes buy 2 tickets for relatively sought after things eg theatre, live cine theatre etc so I can offer one to a friend. This is a good thing to splash out on. I feel pleased that I am the person taking the ‘action’ and I feel less guilty at never initiating more sociable things eg dinners, parties etc.

As a middle-aged introvert, I completely agree.

There are no quiet places anymore. There's a prevailing 'go big or go home' attitude everywhere now, where everything has to be an event and documented and it's just overwhelming for a lot of us.

No longer can you sit in a cafe with a good book and have only two or three other people in there, now you're lucky to get a table and the music will be blaring not only from the cafe but people's iPads, phones, laptops and ear buds. Everyone making a thing of it and taking TikToks and reels for Insta. Pub gardens are no longer quiet and relaxing for the same reason.

Life outside has never been so noisy or so crowded. Even beaches aren't immune and dont get me started on country parks and attractions.

God, I miss the seventies and eighties. It's an extroverts world out there now. I'm happy to share it but only occasionally.

I’m exactly the same and found the thought of making friends exhausts and not worth the effort. I’d lived in my house 20 years and yet knew no-one in the town as I had no children and no work connections.

I think a lot of inertia is due to lack of fitness, the less you do, the less you feel like doing. In the new year I signed up to a 10k run in the following May. I’ve always been terrible at sport and not done anything since school. To get fit I started Couch to 5k which is great for an extrovert - 30 minutes alone with nothing but your breathing or music if you prefer. It seemed impossible, but I did it. I also joined a ‘social’ running club in the beginners group, it sounded scary but was ideal as actually you say hello but then you’re running or recovering so no pressure to talk . Then, when you’re finished lots of moaning and a ‘see you next week’. Through the club I know know hundreds of people - ok its a nodding acquaintance, but there are so many things I could get involved in. Good luck.

I'm the same but I don't work.

I don't need much social contact at all in order to feel happy. I don't know if I'd be classed as an "introvert" or not, because I work outside the home in a very 'peopley' role and I really love it. But I don't ever really crave social interaction in my free time. I've always liked my own company and I am happiest when I'm at home.

DH is the only person I don't ever really feel I need a break from. I have a few close friends, I love them dearly but we don't live in each others pockets. I often feel like I have to force myself to follow through with social plans, even though when I do I always end up having a good time and feeling glad I went out. But then afterwards I need some time to recharge before I'm ready to be social again. I've definitely let friendships drift in the past because I felt pressure to be in constant contact and meet up really frequently. The friendships that have stuck are the low maintenance ones, people with similarly busy lives and full on jobs who don't have the time or inclination to make themselves available constantly.

All my hobbies and interests are pretty solitary and I don't have any desire to change that at the moment. Maybe I'm just all peopled out from the combination of work and kids, but I think it's just who I am.

I was forced to makes changes to my life by a marriage breakdown. Although things are 'worse' in some ways (money!), I don't think I'd have ever made the changes if it hadn't happened. I go out, have hobbies outside of the house, friends etc. I go to the gym too and am much healthier.

I think even more recently, peri menopause has given me reason to think about doing more before I die. I worry about my life wasting away while I state at my phone

@LadyAstor

God, I miss the seventies and eighties. It's an extroverts world out there now. I'm happy to share it but only occasionally.

I fully agree. I'm not really an introvert, I have friends, I like going out and doing things, but the crowds and noise really puts me off. Everyone is so loud, talking loudly, laughing loudly, shouting, loud music, etc. I just can't cope with it at all. It never used to be like that. People seem incapable of just quiet conversation etc - everyone is "performing" these days and it's utterly exhausting.

It's lovely to meet someone new who is just "normal", just quiet conversation, a bit of small talk, a bit of chat about a common interest, etc., without all the dramatics. If only it could all be like that. But no, most of time, they're just so loud, over-exuberant and self obsessed.

It's definitely an extroverts World these days and that just means the more introverted people do less and less.

It's your party so do what you want. There isn't a test at the end to see if you did it right.