What’s wrong with me? Want to hear a male perspective

[Namedmyself]

I grew up not thinking I was attractive and used to think who would want to be with me?

but for a long time I have been very confident and comfortable in my body and who I am. Of course, like any woman, I still have wobbles on certain days.

here is my question. Why do guys stare/ give me Attention / talk to me etc but won’t ask me out?

I went into work today, it was a nice hot day in central London so I dressed in a bright summer dress and did my usual make up. Got loads of lovely compliments from my female colleagues and even from women in stores. I noticed the stares / glances of guys and one person even came and introduced himself to me at our work kitchen, I went out after work and could see a few guys glance but that’s it.

its been like this all my life.

In the past I have approached guys I’ve been with and that is how we’ve ended up dating etc. They have always said they find me beautiful/ attractive etc but I know they wouldn’t have made the first move

i believe I’m a good person and people seem to gravitate towards me. I don’t like being the centre of attention but have a good group of friends and have always fitted in with work people very quickly, being invited out and even on holidays. So it’s not because i’m Socially awkward but what is it about me then?

I would especially like to hear from you If you are a guy, is it that you just want to have a quick look / chat etc but don’t care to take it any further?

Anyone out there who can shed some much needed light? Perhaps your experience

I think there's only a very specific (and usually undesirable type of man) that approaches a woman he doesn't know and asks them out. Most people have to build some rapport before they feel confident enough to ask to move a relationship along, eg ask to meet outside of work or to add eachother on social media and even then theres usually lots of points where a man or woman may want to check that the collegue etc isnt about to turn around and say sorry I'm not interested, or check that they dont already have a partner etc. Compatability is complicated and approaching somebody based on how they look is very unlikely to work out people need more runway and to get the right signs from the other person. As I said though some men do behave that way but they tend to be bell ends. I'd never agree to a date with a man who approached me knowing nothing about me

I'm a man. When I started work, in the 80's, I would have said something like "you look very nice today". And it would have been taken how I meant it, not as a predatory move. I would also have said to a male colleague, "nice suit".

Today, in a work environment, men don't want to lose their job if they ask the wrong female out, or compliment them, (see Mumsnet posts on creepy men ad nauseum).

Of course men will glance at you if they perceive you as attractive. Don't you do the same to men?

Basically we've been trained, at least in a work environment, not to approach any female in anything other than a professional capacity.

You need to give them an in, or at least an indication that you’d be receptive to them. Very few men would just approach a woman without some reason to speak to them, and as pp said the ones that do are often the wrong sort. Matthew Hussey’s video on dropping the handkerchief is worth a watch.

The sort of man that you describe in your opening post are the sort of men you should be running a mile from anyway.

Agree with pp, you do not want to be approached in this way, it’s creepy. But if you do want to, then a) go clubbing or b) keep looking over and smiling. I read once that a woman has to look over at a man 13 before he notices that she is looking/ or would consider going over.

I agree that the type of men that approach random women are not desirable. Think about how many women they likely approach every week. They are playing a numbers game.

If you want to date someone you work with/know then play the long game and get to know them.

Don't seek out your self worth from random strangers.

It sounds like you’re dressing to impress others and keeping a tally of compliments and glances. You’re also assuming people are looking admiringly when they may just be noticing anyone who goes past.

If you’re that desperate then try online dating. It’s very unlikely a stranger is just going to walk up to you and ask you out.

God. Please don’t encourage men to ask out women in work kitchens. Maybe these men have decided (rightly so!) that it’s inappropriate to ask a colleague out on a date in the middle of a working day, in a work environment. It’s not the 90’s anymore.

Calling women “females” ain’t great either

I agree with the above. You need to find someone who you connect with, not someone who sees you as a model/doll etc.

"I went into work today, it was a nice hot day in central London so I dressed in a bright summer dress and did my usual make up. Got loads of lovely compliments from my female colleagues and even from women in stores. I noticed the stares / glances of guys and one person even came and introduced himself to me at our work kitchen, I went out after work and could see a few guys glance but that’s it."

Loads of compliments from colleagues and more from women in stores, lots of stares and indeed glances from random men AND then a male colleague deliberately making himself known to you. In one regular working day when you're dressed like a normal working person. Yowzers.

Sounds to me like you are excessively fixated on how your physical appearance is received by others OP. And you're letting your self worth be determined by this. This could likely lead to a slightly odd/manic/desperate energy being projected.

Attractive people are rarely the textbook lookers and moreso the confident, assured people who are happy in their skin and aren't cutting about seeking validation from strangers in the Costa queue.

Also, by asking for male opinions on a site called mumsnet, are you just looking for men to message you?

I know exactly what you mean and I’m going to sound like an up myself arsehole here but I often get double takes from people on the street or that weird long stare thing where they hold your eye while you walk past.

I also never get approached or have any one make the first move - and this is the important part - by nice men on the street. I have however, had men open their car windows and shout “oi woman, come here, come here”, a man chase me down the road on his electric scooter for my number, homeless men ask me hows my fanny etc and various other horrible things.

Nice men won’t be doing those things. As someone said unthread, the nice ones just don’t do that kind of thing unless it’s maybe chit chat first like while you are waiting for a bus, or if you meet in a bar. I get chatted up a lot by nice men at gigs for instance (I’m happily in a relationship but still). You dont want a road man

If you want attention and validation from random men in the street there are plenty of countries where the men do more than just look at passing women and girls.

My parents didn't take us back to Morocco or Tunisia a after my sister and I turned 12.

And you can still get really harassed on the street in New York and Rome too.

Maybe a lot of the men are married/in relationships? So even though they note that you're attractive to them, they aren't compelled to do anything about it

Is this for real? I don’t know any women who would post something like this.

exactly what I was thinking. feels like this was written by a man.... my spidey senses are tingling. if you are genuine OP, my apologies and just ask out whoever you fancy? nothing stopping you....

Thank you this is helpful, in particular @SisterAgatha that is how I feel.

I don’t want those sleezy guys asking me out - nor am I interested. It’s just that I’m able to see I get noticed.

To the poster who said I only get dressed up to get noticed. I actually didn’t get dressed up for years to avoid the attention but I decided I love dressing up- and I mean the actual applying make up etc so why should I let that stop me when it is for me?

to the other poster who said I was trying to date the guy in the kitchen- he approached me, I wasn’t interested and shut the convo down in this instance.

why do peope try to and embellish a post? I’ve got nothing to lose by being open and honest on an anonymous forum, it only works in my benefit to be honest in order to receive as accurate feedback as possible.

anyway, it would be nice if a nice guy had asked me out all those years instead of just wanting to talk / glance my way. It just gets disheartening at times

Surely it's incredibly rare to be approached by a stranger in the street who asks you out?! I've only ever been asked out by someone I already knew, or got together with someone in a bar/club/etc. I think you may be expecting something that doesn't really happen OP.

@HamishTheCamel thats not what I meant. Perhaps I didn’t explain myself very well - I never get asked out, I used those examples to show that I get interest (even if it is sleezy) but nothing has come out of any of the other interest too.

I don’t want to be asked out on the streets based on looks only. I would never agree to a date with someone based on their looks

People don’t really ask each other out randomly on the street though.

I guess if that’s what you are after then there are still bars and clubs that have a reputation as pickup joints. But more normally, people get to know each other through common interests, or OLD.

OP is it possible that you are seeking out something you feel you missed out on in the past? Those days have gone though, times have moved on. And they weren’t a good thing even at the time.

You’ve come on to MN to get the male opinion?

Look. Men aren’t going to hit you up at work. Well, decent ones aren’t.

Stop waiting to be asked out! As PP have said men in the current climate are so afraid of any kind of “advance” being misinterpreted/unwelcome that they will not do it. This is why online dating is so popular: by definition everyone participating is actively looking to hook up/form a relationship and there will be no misunderstanding about flirtation etc

PPs - how are you meant to meet people if all men that approach women in all settings are necessarily creeps you shouldn't want to be approached by? Genuine question.

Obviously random guys on the street is different but in a bar or at work, why is a man striking up conversation creepy?

I'm surprised anyone manages to get in a relationship anymore, apart from via apps. Reminds me of the post recently where a woman fancied and flirted with her tradesman, but thought she'd been 'played' when she had to reach him near him to check his repair. It's like flirting and fun is gone now. I wonder if apps and dating sites feel sort of safe and you know what they're for, rendering all other settings inappropriate for romance or flirting?

OP if it feels appropriate, just a welcoming smile when eye contact is made can be enough to signal you aren't going to declare a guy creepy if he dares talk to you. You can also talk to men yourself. I do think norms have changed and some men can be quite anxious to speak or approach in case they're seen as Bad.

Odd that you’ve come to a majority female site for male opinions.

Have you recently had a change in style, like wearing more dresses or new style of clothes, that makes you feel you should get noticed more? How old are you?
I’ve only ever had other women or men I know well compliment my clothes.