What’s wrong with me? Want to hear a male perspective

[Namedmyself]

I grew up not thinking I was attractive and used to think who would want to be with me?

but for a long time I have been very confident and comfortable in my body and who I am. Of course, like any woman, I still have wobbles on certain days.

here is my question. Why do guys stare/ give me Attention / talk to me etc but won’t ask me out?

I went into work today, it was a nice hot day in central London so I dressed in a bright summer dress and did my usual make up. Got loads of lovely compliments from my female colleagues and even from women in stores. I noticed the stares / glances of guys and one person even came and introduced himself to me at our work kitchen, I went out after work and could see a few guys glance but that’s it.

its been like this all my life.

In the past I have approached guys I’ve been with and that is how we’ve ended up dating etc. They have always said they find me beautiful/ attractive etc but I know they wouldn’t have made the first move

i believe I’m a good person and people seem to gravitate towards me. I don’t like being the centre of attention but have a good group of friends and have always fitted in with work people very quickly, being invited out and even on holidays. So it’s not because i’m Socially awkward but what is it about me then?

I would especially like to hear from you If you are a guy, is it that you just want to have a quick look / chat etc but don’t care to take it any further?

Flaming imminent, but I miss the days when men used to chat up women in bars. I used to get a thrill coz I thrive on male attention 😁

Now everyone goes out in mixed groups and the men just talk to the women in their group and barely even check other women out let along chat them up (I presume so as to not offend the female friends in the group - fair enough).

Take me back to the 2000s!

Go on a girls' holiday abroad. Everyone chats everyone up.

@Onelifeonly I'm sure you are right but isn't there also the feeling you've got more to lose when you get older?

No, the older you get, the less you care! Not financially anyway-you can protect your own accrued finances, home and stability at that point.

Emotionally- yes, you aways remain very vulnerable . There will always be that be one that one guy that floats your boat and sends you back to 1985!

Are you maybe so beautiful men are intimidated by you??

I’ve been asked out at work, it still happens. Less so in more professional environments but it does happen. In fact in more professional environments you get less open relationships and more sneaky snogs at conference dinners.

Meeting through friends. Happens ALL the time.

Meeting in bars, still happens for me. I seem to be in a minority here but my friend and I always find a group to chat to, male or female whoever, we go out for a drink or a meal and meet loads of people. Often they ask for our numbers and we just politely decline and continue to have a laugh. The odd sleaze appears but they are obvious and we avoid. Festivals, same.

I grew up in a time where you didn’t actually get asked out. You hang about in the park after school with your mates and just ended up hanging out more with someone you liked until eventually you snogged and then it was exclusive - but you never ever voiced it 😂

I’m not quite sure what you are expecting to happen @Namedmyself

Do you think a man you fancy is going to flag you down in the street, supermarket, dentists and ask you out? This is extraordinarily unlikely, and as PP have said, that’s probably the sort of man you’d want to avoid anyway.

It does sound as though you only see men as potential romantic partners, not as potential friends.

Megalolz

I know girls that are very beautiful and men are extremely attracted to them but think they have no chance of a relationship as they feel they would be knocked back.

its made me have flashbacks to this

To the people ‘outraged’ over some posters taking issue with the word ‘female’ - it’s just that it’s usually used by a certain type of man.

It’s dehumanising - all species have females, if you’re a human female, you’re a woman. What’s wrong with just saying women?

Is it something to die in a ditch over? Clearly not. I’m just explaining why some people don’t love it.

As I said in my post, whenever they were wearing a nice suit.

I think you need to get to know someone before they will ask you out (unless they are one of the sleazy ones). I've been asked out plenty of times but it's always come after at least a decent conversation and more often knowing someone for longer. It also happens less often as I have got older - I think most people are paired off after mid 20s. Are you putting yourself out there to meet men of the right age? Are you open to chatting about inconsequential things? If you catch someone's eye and are immediately wondering if they will ask you our before you even know what they are like it probably comes across a bit weird! To be fair I never dress up or wear make up so am probably a different scenario to you. But if you want to meet someone I would either try online dating or join a local activity group where there are likely to be the right aged men (cycling may be a good one!)

at least "female" includes only females. "women" now may also include men, so it's less clear

Rubbish. Men who whinge like this annoy me. In my mixed workplace we all compliment each other without a hint of worry about "losing your job", because we ALL know the difference between a genuine compliment and predatory behaviour.

To be fair if I was a man, I would be petrified of even looking at a woman these days, let alone approaching them and attempting to ask them out nicely.

Our men folk come in for all sorts of criticism these days just for smiling at a woman.

I mean I've seen on this post already that the use of the word female is deemed inappropriate 🤔 really?!

No, what you said in your post was that what you said to men was ‘nice suit’. Not ‘You look nice today’.

Ask yourself what the difference is.

It sounds like you have a very romantic idea of how people meet which isn't reality. Most people meet partners through work or hobbies or online dating.

I am 34/fat/invisible now. I used to be young, beautiful and skinny (thanks to an eating disorder).

I was approached by men like this more between the ages of 14-21 than any other time in my life. It’s never led anywhere positive on long term.

occasionally I miss the attention but for the most part I enjoy the invisibility. Men like that are seedy and gross. It’s much more beneficial to make a meaningful connection

Male opinion 43m.
i would not dream of going up to a female and talking to her in this situation. The world of me too has had a lot of affect and I would be so worried about making someone uncomfortable it is not worth the risk.
I would have done it in 2003 but not 2023

Sorry for the derail, but there are a few different possible reasons for using the word "female" rather than "woman".

It seems to have become a social norm that "woman" now means "anybody who identifies as a woman". I personally find that definition circular (hence meaningless) at best, and misleading at worst, but as I do not control the meanings that people attribute to words, in order to try to be clear I have started using the word "female" instead of "woman" when I am referring to any adult human who has XX chromosomes and whose reproductive system is organised around the capability to produce large gametes and gestate new human life.

I hope that women (as per the definition that used to prevail, ie adult human females) will not take offense at this or find it dehumanising.

Do you also refer to men as 'males' in normal conversation? If it would feel strange to do so ask yourself why that might be?