What’s wrong with me? Want to hear a male perspective

[Namedmyself]

I grew up not thinking I was attractive and used to think who would want to be with me?

but for a long time I have been very confident and comfortable in my body and who I am. Of course, like any woman, I still have wobbles on certain days.

here is my question. Why do guys stare/ give me Attention / talk to me etc but won’t ask me out?

I went into work today, it was a nice hot day in central London so I dressed in a bright summer dress and did my usual make up. Got loads of lovely compliments from my female colleagues and even from women in stores. I noticed the stares / glances of guys and one person even came and introduced himself to me at our work kitchen, I went out after work and could see a few guys glance but that’s it.

its been like this all my life.

In the past I have approached guys I’ve been with and that is how we’ve ended up dating etc. They have always said they find me beautiful/ attractive etc but I know they wouldn’t have made the first move

i believe I’m a good person and people seem to gravitate towards me. I don’t like being the centre of attention but have a good group of friends and have always fitted in with work people very quickly, being invited out and even on holidays. So it’s not because i’m Socially awkward but what is it about me then?

I would especially like to hear from you If you are a guy, is it that you just want to have a quick look / chat etc but don’t care to take it any further?

Once I saw a stunning man on the Dehli metro. He was looking at me, I was looking at him. There were smiles. Then I had to get off and he didn't say anything. Damn! But I guess there are a million reasons why he didn't approach me, and I certainly couldn't approach him in that environment. I wonder if, had it been in the UK on the tube, would I have said something? Probably not. He was wearing dodgy shoes anyway. Men are probably just shy or unsure how they'd be received tbh OP. It won't be that there is anything wrong with you or the way you are coming across.

What is wrong with me?

I know you wanted men to reply but as a woman- I’d guess that you are still carrying around insecurities about your looks and are seeking constant validation from others to reassure yourself?

Try to stop seeing a mirror when you look at other people if that makes sense.

And be realistic.
Life isn’t like that advert where “men can’t help acting on impulse”.
Most respectful men know women want to be treated as equals. You need to put some effort in yourself (other than looking decorative) and that’s actually a good thing.
It’d get irritating if men chased women down in the street clutching flowers like bloody Hugh Grant. 😬

Oh I had this with a beautiful man on the tube in London. I’d never have spoken to him, I am not single. But it’s a nice moment that you know will never go anywhere so enjoy it.

I am probably guilty of the same thing the men do in OP’s post. Look but don’t touch. That’s why for me, gigs or pubs or house parties (where I met my DH) are the way forward. Every boyfriend I have ever had has been either in a band, a DJ or a friend of a friend. Online dating I never did but I think I’d enjoy that tbh.

TV’s perpetuate this kind of unrealistic way of dating too. Everyone I ever met on the street has been a creep (except a guy in NY who randomly started chatting to me and sat with me a little way on the train as I was lost) so maybe it is different in the US?

if men chased women down in the street clutching flowers like bloody Hugh Grant

Or clutching a beer can, like my Islington high street experience hahahahha

Honestly, @Namedmyself , you sound pretty unapproachable if the kitchen incident is anything to go by - you shut the conversation down because you weren't interested in him after a few seconds/minutes; doesn't matter that the conversation might have gone somewhere interesting.

Men generally know this - Matthew Hussey's already been brought up, he's got a great video about why they don't approach:

Basically, if there's any reason at all to think they're getting bounced, they move on. The only ones who don't are exactly the kind of guys who're always excoriated on here for being players/creeps, but they're only a tiny proportion of the population. You'll never meet the other 99% unless you do something to invite them into an interaction.

Yeah, this isn’t a woman.

You need to figure out why you give a shit about mens opinions on you then work to resolve that. Your self worth is not defined by men.

VeniVidiWeeWee - I agree. Men aren't going to just ask you out and will be very cautious in a work environment. Women should also treat men with the same respect.

Stop waiting to be asked out and go and socialise and get to know people. Descent relationships only happen when you get to know someone. It takes time.

Why do you want to be asked out by randoms? Maybe they’re just looking? Maybe they already have a partner? Maybe you’re of an age that they assume you have a partner or are married?

Look nice for your own sake not anyone else’s. I like make up too and feel good when I’ve done it nicely. People do look but I just take that as a compliment that I’ve done it well. I’m not expecting them to ask me out because they don’t know me! The one time I was chatted up in a very minor way was on a train when I had minimal make up and wasn’t dressed up at all. We just hit it off - liked the same things, had a similar background, just seemed to click. That’s far more important. Nothing came of it but the attraction was between two people who clicked not for superficial reasons like clothes or make up.

Another man asked for my number at a train station but I found it creepy. He’d followed me up the stairs and was obviously impressed by my mini skirt and heels. He hadn’t spoken to me until he complimented me and asked for my number. Er, no thanks! Why would you want attention like that?

I once had a complete stranger ask me out on my way out from a shop in the daytime, who actually seemed genuinely nice and interested, and when I said no he thanked me anyway and moved on and never saw him again, but the whole 3 minute interaction was so bizarre mainly because I didn't realise such levels of confidence existed! Of course I said no, I didn't know anything about him apart from a first name and his number if I changed my mind. It's just not the done thing, apart from in bars/clubs. If you do know them, they may have their own self confidence issues, and thinking the same way you once did ('why would she want to go out with me?').

Call me old fashioned, and I understand how the change in social norms that made it unacceptable to approach women in any environment other than a bar or an app has helped to reduce creepy behaviour and allow especially women to have a better professional environment, but at the same time it just seems kind of sad that it has become completely inappropriate to try to date most people who are encountered in real life, when that is probably the best way to develop an initial attraction that is not only about physical appearance.

Years ago, it used to be the case that most long-term couples met either through mutual friends or at work. The benefit of being able to meet at work was that people get to see one another's normal behaviour before making any sort of approach, and also, for many good workplaces there is a sort of quality filter or common set of values or ways of thinking. Also, being a total shit to somebody met at work or through mutual friends is more likely to have reputational consequences and blowback, so people might be a little bit more well-behaved. Whereas with a random person met over an app on the internet, neither person has anything to go on other than whatever the other person chose to share about themselves, and there is really almost no downside at all to treating a person like shit when the meeting happened online through an app.

I do not know a good way to change how this works since it seems clear we are not going back, and for me personally it is irrelevant anyway because I am married, but I think it will be a lot harder for my kids to meet and choose good partners than it was for my generation, due to this change in norms.

I’m not a man but what comes across in your post is that you crave male attention. Loads of focus on your clothes and makeup etc.

The thing about this is that you will attract certain sorts of males who are attracted to women as if they are pretty butterflies. They may think you look beautiful but not get much sense of who you are as a person.

Theres nothing wrong with this per se but it doesn’t really lend itself to building long lasting relationships based on compatibility. It just draws out the slightly creepy or predatory men who are looking for pretty girls to conquer.

If you’re serious about finding someone you actually connect with you need to find someone who is like minded, not necessarily identical to you but with whom you click. If you’re looking for men who want pretty butterflies you’re never going to get a sense of who they are.

Probably because they're not 15 years old. They might think you look attractive, but they don't know you. They might see several women they think are attractive every day - would you expect them to approach every single one?

Loads of couples meet at work or in real life encounters still!

Op is disappointed that men (she doesn’t know from Adam) that give her a “look” walking round stores, or at work or in a bar aren’t approaching her and asking for a date?

My advice would be to build rapport with your colleagues- male and female, widen your social circle, attend work do’s , get to know people first?
And stop viewing all men as some sort of alien species you have to peacock in front of. Most are as normal as you are, with their own insecurities and inhibitions.

I think people still meet at work and get together - it’s just not appropriate to hit someone up at the photocopier.

Colleagues (especially young) go out and socialise together, and that’s where it can happen.

I agree - it’s far better to meet and get to know someone organically, but I suspect that ship has sailed….

Why did you shut the kitchen conversation down? It's as if you will only speak to men if you fancy them .

“Calling women “females” ain’t great either”’🤣🤣🤣🤣This is a new one.

Jesus Christ.

Op any decent bloke would be too bloody scared to ask you out for all the reasons you can see here.

I think what Op might being trying to say on this thread is that men ( she likes) don't ask her out. I may be wrong but Op , for want of a better phrase, is setting her stall out as most of us do and, no takers. I do not think she means guys on the street, I think she means guys she knows, guys she likes. I think Op has had a hard time on this thread largely. I also think men now are between a rock and hard place. I suspect that Op is very lovely and very attractive but men are afraid to just ask her out now for fear of consequence, not based on how she looks but what the consequences for them will be. Although attraction is a massive part of that. I also think Op is shy, for some people, flirting is not something they can do, however much they want to and try.

Op, dating has changed a lot since I was young. I was dating in the late 80's , 90's and early noughties and it was easy. Some 25-30 yrs later I am divorced now and men literally hold their hands out in front of themselves in fear and submission for even fancying you. There are so many "red flags" now that we are expected to look out for, it is totally ridiculous. He has banter and is single 🚩, he has a wank 🚩, he is in the police 🚩, he is ex army 🚩, he has an ex wife 🚩, He is separated 🚩, he has a female friend 🚩,he has 2 children with 2 people that he sees and takes care of 🚩, he smokes 🚩, he drinks 2 cans of Magners cider a week 🚩. He cares about his mum and goes to see her every Saturday 🚩. He texts his work colleagues and some are women 🚩, he works on the bin's, 🚩, he is a secret agent🚩. Jesus!!!

I have 2 DS and they honestly are finding it difficult to navigate this dating world. They are petrified of doing or saying anything wrong as young men.

I do suspect, of which i am one , that a guy should ask out . It may be an old fashioned view but, I think it shows that a guy is interested in you. I think men are largely reluctant now and many possible happy relationships are the worst for this.

There is something very off about all this.

Maybe people aren't noticing you for the reason you think

@MugsMug I think Op exhibits certain spectrum traits and hope that she will come back to this thread.

Back in the day when I was in my 20s, I met loads of men through parties, events and in pubs etc. If someone asked me out, out of the blue, I'd think they were a creep. Usually we met, chatted and got on well. If I liked them enough, I knew how to flirt to let them know I was interested and then they would suggest going for a meal or whatever. Sometimes getting to know them would take place over a series of meetings. I knew if they 'liked' me without them necessarily saying something direct about it - body language, eye contact or whatever.

I guess society may have changed as my last first date was over 30 years ago, but it didn't seem to be rocket science or some big mystery back then. It does help though to feel confident that you are attractive and interesting enough for someone to be interested in and attracted to you. Self belief is what you need.

Men who just approach with the "hello gorgeous' type line were never the type I'd want to go out with.

I'm sure you are right but isn't there also the feeling you've got more to lose when you get older? When you're very young you feel more adventurous and willing to see where things take you, whereas when you're older you have more sense of who you are, what you want or don't want, what you have learnt from experience etc. I haven't dated since my 20s but I imagine that's how I'd feel.

It is not culturally the norm for men to ask women out in the daytime in a public place 🤯

On a night out, yeah it's normal, men will approach you.

But not during the day. Thank god

A bloke did once slow his car down and offer to give me a ride to wherever I wanted to go. I was 20 and in my work uniform. I think we called it kerb crawling then though